When your spouse loves you, but is in love with someone else

[Anonymous]

I recognize how this this could be hard for you, especially if you don't keep in touch with an ex. But I hope you can come to see it as: your husband is a caring person and - as PP stated - it is reasonable to care for someone that you were once in love with.

I'm still in contact with 2 exes from significant relationships. I'm also happily married. Granted, my husband has since become friends with the exes. We're all friends (their spouses and myself included). I was in one of their weddings, one was in ours. I think it's ok to continue to care for someone you love(d). I still love them on some level, but at some point I loved them enough to recognize that they weren't my forever person. Watching them fall in love was truly a life joy...because I do continue to care about them. I wanted to find my forever partner and I wanted the same for them. I adore their spouses all the more bc I can appreciate that they love these guys for all the shit that drove me nuts

It sounds like your husband may be in a similar situation.

Please, for both your sakes, find a couples counselor and a personal counselor to work through this insecurity. He loves you. He cares about her...cares in the sense that he cares that she's happy and content. It's not a bad trait. Please don't punish him for this because I think THAT could cause larger issues in your relationship...because then it's questioning his trust, loyalty, etc.

[Anonymous]

I’d walk. I don’t put up with that crap. Leave for a few months so he realizes what he’ll be missing out on and he can decide what’s more important to him, his family or chatting with an ex.

Second choice- This is probably getting into crazy territory, but I’d contact her. “Just so you know, Larlo recently admitted to me that he’s still in love with you and has been since you broke up. We’ve been married 10 years and have 3 kids, plus I’m pregnant with our fourth. Just want to let you know what you’re getting into by continuing to talk to him”

[Anonymous]

You are reading things into this that aren’t there.
You may need counseling, but for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recognize how this this could be hard for you, especially if you don't keep in touch with an ex. But I hope you can come to see it as: your husband is a caring person and - as PP stated - it is reasonable to care for someone that you were once in love with.

I'm still in contact with 2 exes from significant relationships. I'm also happily married. Granted, my husband has since become friends with the exes. We're all friends (their spouses and myself included). I was in one of their weddings, one was in ours. I think it's ok to continue to care for someone you love(d). I still love them on some level, but at some point I loved them enough to recognize that they weren't my forever person. Watching them fall in love was truly a life joy...because I do continue to care about them. I wanted to find my forever partner and I wanted the same for them. I adore their spouses all the more bc I can appreciate that they love these guys for all the shit that drove me nuts

It sounds like your husband may be in a similar situation.

Please, for both your sakes, find a couples counselor and a personal counselor to work through this insecurity. He loves you. He cares about her...cares in the sense that he cares that she's happy and content. It's not a bad trait. Please don't punish him for this because I think THAT could cause larger issues in your relationship...because then it's questioning his trust, loyalty, etc.

Your situation is so completely different. OP’s husband hid things. That is very telling. It could be that he was just worried she would be a bigger deal about it than it is, but it’s possible that he knew he crossing a line and needed to hide it.

[Anonymous]

You say that you need reassurance that he really does move you and hide things from you and pining for another woman, because you deserve better than all that. Together, come up with a plan about what that might look like. For me, that would mean cutting off contact for now.

It’s okay for this to bother you. A lot. Just because others think it’s not a big deal doesn’t mean it has to not be a big deal to you. Your husband isn’t married to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d walk. I don’t put up with that crap. Leave for a few months so he realizes what he’ll be missing out on and he can decide what’s more important to him, his family or chatting with an ex.

Second choice- This is probably getting into crazy territory, but I’d contact her. “Just so you know, Larlo recently admitted to me that he’s still in love with you and has been since you broke up. We’ve been married 10 years and have 3 kids, plus I’m pregnant with our fourth. Just want to let you know what you’re getting into by continuing to talk to him”

Yeah and watch yourself be divorced with four kids. This is idiotic.

[Anonymous]

Realistically it is possible they will have an affair down the road. This is more likely to happen among “nice” people than others IMO. But he will stay with you. And you will get through it. When you marry someone you marry a specific set of possible futures both good and bad and possible bogeymen intrinsic to that person and relationship; this is yours. Overall I think you will make given what you both have in the jar already so don’t worry too much don’t overreact and make sure he maintains transparency and comes to you with any weakness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop with the drama. You seriously wrote that title to this thread??? He’s NOT in love with her! There’s no smoking gun here.

+1 total overreaction. You are shadow boxing with his memories.

[Anonymous]

He is not in love with her. He may still care about her, but he loves you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is not in love with her. He may still care about her, but he loves you and your family.

If he wasn’t in love with her, wouldn’t he just say “no I’m not in love with her?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d walk. I don’t put up with that crap. Leave for a few months so he realizes what he’ll be missing out on and he can decide what’s more important to him, his family or chatting with an ex.

Second choice- This is probably getting into crazy territory, but I’d contact her. “Just so you know, Larlo recently admitted to me that he’s still in love with you and has been since you broke up. We’ve been married 10 years and have 3 kids, plus I’m pregnant with our fourth. Just want to let you know what you’re getting into by continuing to talk to him”

Yeah and watch yourself be divorced with four kids. This is idiotic.

DP. Not all of us think that marriage is so amazing that it’s worth putting up with being with somebody who doesn’t care about you enough to cut off context with a woman he loves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Realistically it is possible they will have an affair down the road. This is more likely to happen among “nice” people than others IMO. But he will stay with you. And you will get through it. When you marry someone you marry a specific set of possible futures both good and bad and possible bogeymen intrinsic to that person and relationship; this is yours. Overall I think you will make given what you both have in the jar already so don’t worry too much don’t overreact and make sure he maintains transparency and comes to you with any weakness.

When you say “you will get through it,” do you mean that they will stay married, or that they will actually work through their issues and have a strong marriage at some point?

I have seen the way people talk about the trauma they deal with when their partners have affairs and there is no way I would be okay with just accepting that possibly and not making a big deal about preventing it just for the sake of keeping the peace. I don’t know what I would do in OP’s situation but I’m not sure that she is in danger here of overreacting.

[Anonymous]

You have 3 small children and another one on the way. I honestly don't think you really have a choice but to ignore this and hope for the best, at least for a few years. People can nostalgically contact their ex without having an affair or plans to leave their current relationship. I suggest you focus less on how he feels and more about how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I fear you are making this bigger than it needs to be. Not saying that there isn’t work to do, but I’m wondering if pregnancy hormones are blowing up your perception. Let’s review the facts:

He loves you. He loved his life with you and your family.
He has shown you the communications.
There is nothing sexual in the messages.
She is married.
He did NOT admit to loving her. That was YOUR interpretation.
He got together with her when you two were NOT together.
It is reasonable to care for someone that you were once in love with.

Take a deep breath. He is with you. You’re having another kid together. This woman has started her life with someone else. She’s not coming for your husband and he’s not leaving you.
That’s it.

+1

Do nothing. There is not a problem here unless you make it one. I would absolutely NOT go to marriage counseling over this. You will make an issue in your marriage that is not there. He had a past. He has a soft spot for her. You are married. Stop creating drama.

[Anonymous]

Perfect example of how women blow things up:

1. Your husband has shown you all the messages between his ex and him. NONE OF THEM point to a possible relationship or sexual nature.

2. He has four kids with you and has not shown ONE sign if leaving you or cheating on you. Talking to an ex IS NOT CHEATING SO STOP WITH THE BS.

3. Not all wives are their husband's first choice. Mine isn't. I love a girlfriend I had in college more than I do my wife. Why? We were more compatible. But, that doesn't mean I don't love my wife. The person you marry is not going to bet the #1 love of your entire life. That's fairy tale BS.

4. Stop making your husband feel guilty for caring about someone she CLEARLY cared about a lot years ago. There is nothing wrong with caring about an ex. You realize they had a life together right?

You need to take a chill pill. I think you are making the entire scenario worse. Unless your husband is seeing her behind your back or sending her gifts, etc you need to just stop with the jealousy.