When your spouse loves you, but is in love with someone else

[Anonymous]

I think it’s crazy how so many people here are advocating for doing nothing. Don’t you guys share your thoughts and feelings with your spouses? Don’t you lean on each other for support? Don’t you work through issues together? Why not? Will having mature, adult conversations with your spouse be bad for your relationship ship?

I guess that kind of marriage works for some people but I’m so glad I don’t have one of those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's married to you. She just got married. Exes are allowed to talk. You do need to have a series of conversations with him and quality therapy is useful, but know these two will always have a special place for each other in their hearts. All of us married folk have the one (or two) who got away, and sure, we might think, what if. But he's building a life with *you* and he ultimately didn't choose her, so try not to feel so insecure. Many of my male fiends have told me my husband is lucky to have me. My girlfriends have also told me I'm lucky to have my husband. It's a compliment you shouldn't read into too much. Finally, he showed you the messages, please consider how hard all this is on him too.

Ummm. No we all don't. I have nobody that I love more than my husband of 23 years, and do not reminisce or wonder about any past boyfriends. We saw my husband's ex-first love at the 20-year high school reunion and she was on her 4th baby daddy and in the process of moving out from the last one. 4 kids- 4 different men. Yeah, no love left there.

I didn't have 'messy' or hateful breakups with my 2 serious relationships before meeting my husband, but I have zero longing for them. I did not keep in touch. I was not in love of them when it ended and, feeling what I did when I met my spouse---I never was truly in love with those guys. It was overpowering, the 'you know' fireworks from first meeting with my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I fear you are making this bigger than it needs to be. Not saying that there isn’t work to do, but I’m wondering if pregnancy hormones are blowing up your perception. Let’s review the facts:

He loves you. He loved his life with you and your family.
He has shown you the communications.
There is nothing sexual in the messages.
She is married.
He did NOT admit to loving her. That was YOUR interpretation.
He got together with her when you two were NOT together.
It is reasonable to care for someone that you were once in love with.

Take a deep breath. He is with you. You’re having another kid together. This woman has started her life with someone else. She’s not coming for your husband and he’s not leaving you.
That’s it.

Cannot say this enough. This post 100000%. You are making the situation worse because there is no situation. You created it. Stop. Let it go. Stop being insecure. Stop being jealous. Live in the now.

[Anonymous]

I absolutely CANNOT fathom the posters that say there is someone else out there they love more than their spouse. WTF?? Seriously, WTF?!?! That sounds an awful lot like 'settling'. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Perfect example of how women blow things up:

1. Your husband has shown you all the messages between his ex and him. NONE OF THEM point to a possible relationship or sexual nature.

2. He has four kids with you and has not shown ONE sign if leaving you or cheating on you. Talking to an ex IS NOT CHEATING SO STOP WITH THE BS.

3. Not all wives are their husband's first choice. Mine isn't. I love a girlfriend I had in college more than I do my wife. Why? We were more compatible. But, that doesn't mean I don't love my wife. The person you marry is not going to bet the #1 love of your entire life. That's fairy tale BS.

4. Stop making your husband feel guilty for caring about someone she CLEARLY cared about a lot years ago. There is nothing wrong with caring about an ex. You realize they had a life together right?

You need to take a chill pill. I think you are making the entire scenario worse. Unless your husband is seeing her behind your back or sending her gifts, etc you need to just stop with the jealousy.

Oh good grief.

1. He only showed the messages when she insisted. He hid what he was doing. That’s shady and the husband saying there is nothing wrong with is gaslighting.

2. You’re making it sound like anything that might lead up to cheating is fine, like cheating is the only thing people are allowed to be upset about it. Wrong.

3. Just because you love another woman more than you love your spouse doesn’t mean that anybody has to put up with that. I love my husband more than anybody else and if I loved somebody more than I loved him, he would not put up with that. Just loving somebody is not enough for a strong marriage, and a strong marriage is what we want. I think it’s fair to expect to be #1 in your spouses eyes. The idea that you think that’s a fairy tale is frankly disturbing and shows that nobody should be taking relationship advice from you.

4. Caring about somebody is not the same as loving somebody more than your spouse.

[Anonymous]

I can’t believe how many posters are saying that OP is overreacting. OP, as you know, the fact that he knew this past relationship bothered you and he continued to communicate with her AND HID IT is a problem. At a minimum, it’s hurtful and disrespectful. He is immature and living a bit in a fantasy world. A good marriage counselor would tell him that he needs to prioritize your feelings about this. There should be transparency with his social media, etc. Your DH needs to grow up and lean into the life he has and let go of his fantasy world. It’s unhealthy for everyone involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s crazy how so many people here are advocating for doing nothing. Don’t you guys share your thoughts and feelings with your spouses? Don’t you lean on each other for support? Don’t you work through issues together? Why not? Will having mature, adult conversations with your spouse be bad for your relationship ship?

I guess that kind of marriage works for some people but I’m so glad I don’t have one of those.

No one shares every single thought and feeling with their spouse. There isn't enough time in the day to share every thought you have.
You select which thoughts are important enough to share. These aren't the ones to go with.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think he’s in love with her. But rather still has a soft spot for her, which is not the same thing as “in love”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely CANNOT fathom the posters that say there is someone else out there they love more than their spouse. WTF?? Seriously, WTF?!?! That sounds an awful lot like 'settling'. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfect example of how women blow things up:

1. Your husband has shown you all the messages between his ex and him. NONE OF THEM point to a possible relationship or sexual nature.

2. He has four kids with you and has not shown ONE sign if leaving you or cheating on you. Talking to an ex IS NOT CHEATING SO STOP WITH THE BS.

3. Not all wives are their husband's first choice. Mine isn't. I love a girlfriend I had in college more than I do my wife. Why? We were more compatible. But, that doesn't mean I don't love my wife. The person you marry is not going to bet the #1 love of your entire life. That's fairy tale BS.

4. Stop making your husband feel guilty for caring about someone she CLEARLY cared about a lot years ago. There is nothing wrong with caring about an ex. You realize they had a life together right?

You need to take a chill pill. I think you are making the entire scenario worse. Unless your husband is seeing her behind your back or sending her gifts, etc you need to just stop with the jealousy.

Oh good grief.

1. He only showed the messages when she insisted. He hid what he was doing. That’s shady and the husband saying there is nothing wrong with is gaslighting.

2. You’re making it sound like anything that might lead up to cheating is fine, like cheating is the only thing people are allowed to be upset about it. Wrong.

3. Just because you love another woman more than you love your spouse doesn’t mean that anybody has to put up with that. I love my husband more than anybody else and if I loved somebody more than I loved him, he would not put up with that. Just loving somebody is not enough for a strong marriage, and a strong marriage is what we want. I think it’s fair to expect to be #1 in your spouses eyes. The idea that you think that’s a fairy tale is frankly disturbing and shows that nobody should be taking relationship advice from you.

4. Caring about somebody is not the same as loving somebody more than your spouse.

So what's your suggestion? Divorce him and be a single mom with four kids? For what? Because her dh wished an old girlfriend well in her upcoming marriage? You think she'll find another spouse without any past relationships who'll put her and another man's children on a pedestal?

[Anonymous]

Was the ultimatum you gave him to not communicate with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I absolutely CANNOT fathom the posters that say there is someone else out there they love more than their spouse. WTF?? Seriously, WTF?!?! That sounds an awful lot like 'settling'. No wonder the divorce rate is so high.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfect example of how women blow things up:

1. Your husband has shown you all the messages between his ex and him. NONE OF THEM point to a possible relationship or sexual nature.

2. He has four kids with you and has not shown ONE sign if leaving you or cheating on you. Talking to an ex IS NOT CHEATING SO STOP WITH THE BS.

3. Not all wives are their husband's first choice. Mine isn't. I love a girlfriend I had in college more than I do my wife. Why? We were more compatible. But, that doesn't mean I don't love my wife. The person you marry is not going to bet the #1 love of your entire life. That's fairy tale BS.

4. Stop making your husband feel guilty for caring about someone she CLEARLY cared about a lot years ago. There is nothing wrong with caring about an ex. You realize they had a life together right?

You need to take a chill pill. I think you are making the entire scenario worse. Unless your husband is seeing her behind your back or sending her gifts, etc you need to just stop with the jealousy.

Oh good grief.

1. He only showed the messages when she insisted. He hid what he was doing. That’s shady and the husband saying there is nothing wrong with is gaslighting.

2. You’re making it sound like anything that might lead up to cheating is fine, like cheating is the only thing people are allowed to be upset about it. Wrong.

3. Just because you love another woman more than you love your spouse doesn’t mean that anybody has to put up with that. I love my husband more than anybody else and if I loved somebody more than I loved him, he would not put up with that. Just loving somebody is not enough for a strong marriage, and a strong marriage is what we want. I think it’s fair to expect to be #1 in your spouses eyes. The idea that you think that’s a fairy tale is frankly disturbing and shows that nobody should be taking relationship advice from you.

4. Caring about somebody is not the same as loving somebody more than your spouse.

So what's your suggestion? Divorce him and be a single mom with four kids? For what? Because her dh wished an old girlfriend well in her upcoming marriage? You think she'll find another spouse without any past relationships who'll put her and another man's children on a pedestal?

Plus one million. The posters telling her to freak out over this are idiots. You found your one in a million and never loved anyone other than your spouse? Good for you. Hope you feel great humble bragging in an anonymous forum. That's not the reality for most people. This lady is about to have four kids with this guy. Should she leave him over this non issue? See her kids 50% of the time over this non issue? Please. I've been the "other woman" in this situation. I will always be the great and first love of my ex. And we probably lived each other more than any other partner. But there were religious, cultural and other barriers. Love is one component in a happy and long lasting partnership. You have to weigh all of them. I am infrequently in touch with my ex. Maybe once an year at most (after many years of no communication). I will always love him and wish the best for him which I know is not being with me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s crazy how so many people here are advocating for doing nothing. Don’t you guys share your thoughts and feelings with your spouses? Don’t you lean on each other for support? Don’t you work through issues together? Why not? Will having mature, adult conversations with your spouse be bad for your relationship ship?

I guess that kind of marriage works for some people but I’m so glad I don’t have one of those.

No one shares every single thought and feeling with their spouse. There isn't enough time in the day to share every thought you have.
You select which thoughts are important enough to share. These aren't the ones to go with.

Well gee do you think “hey I feel insecure about the idea that you love somebody else more than you love me, maybe we talk about it” is in the same level as “I wish my husband would wear different pants?”

A thought that goes to the very heart of the strength of your relationship seems like it’s important enough to share and have a conversation about. Being concerned about your spouse hiding conversations with somebody he loves more than you seems to fit into this category. I’m really surprised that people think that you shouldn’t even bring it up, even in a non-accusatory manner. It seems doing so means you think you’re obligated to hide feelings and accept an emotionally distanced relationship. This makes me so grateful for the relationship I have with my husband; we can have a mature, respectful conversations about things that are bothering us and work through them, without conflict. But again whatever floats your boat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Perfect example of how women blow things up:

1. Your husband has shown you all the messages between his ex and him. NONE OF THEM point to a possible relationship or sexual nature.

2. He has four kids with you and has not shown ONE sign if leaving you or cheating on you. Talking to an ex IS NOT CHEATING SO STOP WITH THE BS.

3. Not all wives are their husband's first choice. Mine isn't. I love a girlfriend I had in college more than I do my wife. Why? We were more compatible. But, that doesn't mean I don't love my wife. The person you marry is not going to bet the #1 love of your entire life. That's fairy tale BS.

4. Stop making your husband feel guilty for caring about someone she CLEARLY cared about a lot years ago. There is nothing wrong with caring about an ex. You realize they had a life together right?

You need to take a chill pill. I think you are making the entire scenario worse. Unless your husband is seeing her behind your back or sending her gifts, etc you need to just stop with the jealousy.

Oh good grief.

1. He only showed the messages when she insisted. He hid what he was doing. That’s shady and the husband saying there is nothing wrong with is gaslighting.

2. You’re making it sound like anything that might lead up to cheating is fine, like cheating is the only thing people are allowed to be upset about it. Wrong.

3. Just because you love another woman more than you love your spouse doesn’t mean that anybody has to put up with that. I love my husband more than anybody else and if I loved somebody more than I loved him, he would not put up with that. Just loving somebody is not enough for a strong marriage, and a strong marriage is what we want. I think it’s fair to expect to be #1 in your spouses eyes. The idea that you think that’s a fairy tale is frankly disturbing and shows that nobody should be taking relationship advice from you.

4. Caring about somebody is not the same as loving somebody more than your spouse.

Thank you! I think pp is projecting his own issues and guilt onto op