Husband opposed to/uncomfortable with ART

[Anonymous]

Background: We have been TTC for 20 months with no luck. I'm 33, he's 40, so we are not young. We started going to Shady Grove last August. Husband's SA was perfectly fine. My testing all came out normal, except for the discovery of some polyps, which I had removed in October. We made a plan with the Dr. to give it a few months and then start IUI in January (i.e., now). But husband has since decided he's not comfortable moving forward with treatment.

I've tried to talk to him a few times about it in the last month since he proclaimed he wanted to wait. (Wait till when? I don't know. At one point he agreed to February, but I expect he won't stick to that.) I can't really get him to articulate what the problem is. I thought maybe money, but I went over the financials and told him IUI is a drop in the bucket compared to what raising kids costs. He says it's an ego thing, but I figure, we know he is not the problem, so why does this burst his ego/threaten his masculinity? I ask him if he'd rather adopt, he says no. I ask if he'd rather do ART or be childless, he won't give me a straight answer, he just says he wants a baby.

What I'd like to do is drag him to therapy with me and hash this out with a third party, but that probably won't happen. Anyone have similar experience, tips on how to help him figure out what the problem is and articulate it? I really don't want to strong-arm him into anything, but I'm not sure how much longer I can put up with this.

[Anonymous]

Does your husband have kids from a previous marriage Are you recently married?

I have no idea what the problem is. My husband was 40 when we started to see doctors and he wanted children so going forward was a non-issue.
If he doesn't want to go to counseling with you maybe you should go on your own.

[Anonymous]

I would probably lay down an ultimatum - go with me to therapy to work out issues related to this, or divorce.

Girl, you don't have time to wait for a man who still doesn't know what he wants at 40. He's acting like a selfish child.

[Anonymous]

OP here: neither of us has kids, we've been together 8 years, married 3.

I already go to therapy on my own. I just would like my husband to come too. He did once a year ago, and it was very helpful (dealing with other issues besides infertility). If I could get him into occasional couple's therapy, I would love that, but I can't even get him back to my therapist's office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably lay down an ultimatum - go with me to therapy to work out issues related to this, or divorce.

Girl, you don't have time to wait for a man who still doesn't know what he wants at 40. He's acting like a selfish child.

This sounds drastic, but it's true. Take it from someone who waited and then spent years and over $100K pursuing ART.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would probably lay down an ultimatum - go with me to therapy to work out issues related to this, or divorce.

Girl, you don't have time to wait for a man who still doesn't know what he wants at 40. He's acting like a selfish child.

OP again: "selfish child" is very accurate. I think you are also right that an ultimatum will be necessary. I don't feel like I'm at a point where I could leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably lay down an ultimatum - go with me to therapy to work out issues related to this, or divorce.

Girl, you don't have time to wait for a man who still doesn't know what he wants at 40. He's acting like a selfish child.

OP again: "selfish child" is very accurate. I think you are also right that an ultimatum will be necessary. I don't feel like I'm at a point where I could leave.

PP here. I'm sorry your husband is an ass. There is an epidemic of overgrown man-children in our generation. And then they wonder why we move on and do shit without them - advanced education, higher salaries, single parenting - while they hem and haw and cry like babies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably lay down an ultimatum - go with me to therapy to work out issues related to this, or divorce.

Girl, you don't have time to wait for a man who still doesn't know what he wants at 40. He's acting like a selfish child.

OP again: "selfish child" is very accurate. I think you are also right that an ultimatum will be necessary. I don't feel like I'm at a point where I could leave.

If it came down to it, would you choose to stay married or choose to have a child? Something for you to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably lay down an ultimatum - go with me to therapy to work out issues related to this, or divorce.

Girl, you don't have time to wait for a man who still doesn't know what he wants at 40. He's acting like a selfish child.

OP again: "selfish child" is very accurate. I think you are also right that an ultimatum will be necessary. I don't feel like I'm at a point where I could leave.

Then you may have to consider a marriage without children. I wouldn't recommend forcing him to do fertility treatments with you. This is something he has to want otherwise he may end up resentful of you and the child and you probably will find yourself doing the parenting mostly by yourself. Personally I would prefer to raise a child as a single mom than with an unhelpful husband.

I find it very troubling that you say he is like a selfish child. Please re-assess the marriage before doing IUIs.

[Anonymous]

Trust me from someone who wasted too much of my life and my fertile years with a man-child who couldn't make an important decision like this: don't wait too long. You've been with him for 8 years, married for 3. You might have 10 years left in which you could still have a baby, but your chances are lower and lower each year. If he doesn't go along with your ultimatum, are you ok with being childless or do you want to divorce and try to start a family with someone else? Let's say it takes 2 years for you to finally let go of this guy. You'll be 35. You start dating again and maybe find a good guy by 37. Give the relationship at least a year before you decide to get married and a year before the wedding itself and you're now 39. Then you want to give yourselves at least a year as newlyweds before pregnancy so you're now 40 and trying to get pregnant, which is a WHOLE different ballgame than 33.

Life is REALLY short. Please don't waste too much more time with this guy if his dreams don't align with yours. Your fertility is much more limited than his.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would probably lay down an ultimatum - go with me to therapy to work out issues related to this, or divorce.

Girl, you don't have time to wait for a man who still doesn't know what he wants at 40. He's acting like a selfish child.

OP again: "selfish child" is very accurate. I think you are also right that an ultimatum will be necessary. I don't feel like I'm at a point where I could leave.

If it came down to it, would you choose to stay married or choose to have a child? Something for you to consider.

OP here: Child, definitely.

The problem is he SAYS that is what he wants. If he didn't want kids and said so, I'd be out of there immediately. But I believe that he does want them, he just wants it to happen "naturally," whereas I think it's obvious that won't happen.

I was hoping to keep this thread to the one issue, but you all are right that there is more going on and I am angry at him for more than the ART thing.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to have someone else - preferably a doctor - tell him that it likely isn't going to happen naturally. My husband is stubborn too - not really to this degree but when he decides on something he's hard to budge - and I think he'd probably want to hear that it isn't going to happen the natural way. THEN you can discuss options since you both want children - adoption/ART/etc.

I think guys often don't know the stats on these things and aren't as realistic as women are. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust me from someone who wasted too much of my life and my fertile years with a man-child who couldn't make an important decision like this: don't wait too long. You've been with him for 8 years, married for 3. You might have 10 years left in which you could still have a baby, but your chances are lower and lower each year. If he doesn't go along with your ultimatum, are you ok with being childless or do you want to divorce and try to start a family with someone else? Let's say it takes 2 years for you to finally let go of this guy. You'll be 35. You start dating again and maybe find a good guy by 37. Give the relationship at least a year before you decide to get married and a year before the wedding itself and you're now 39. Then you want to give yourselves at least a year as newlyweds before pregnancy so you're now 40 and trying to get pregnant, which is a WHOLE different ballgame than 33.

Life is REALLY short. Please don't waste too much more time with this guy if his dreams don't align with yours. Your fertility is much more limited than his.

OP here: I've definitely thought about this. I don't think I have time to meet someone else. I have been with my husband so long, I can't even imagine being with someone else. So I feel like it is try to have kids with husband, or leave and do it by myself. And the latter seems far more difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust me from someone who wasted too much of my life and my fertile years with a man-child who couldn't make an important decision like this: don't wait too long. You've been with him for 8 years, married for 3. You might have 10 years left in which you could still have a baby, but your chances are lower and lower each year. If he doesn't go along with your ultimatum, are you ok with being childless or do you want to divorce and try to start a family with someone else? Let's say it takes 2 years for you to finally let go of this guy. You'll be 35. You start dating again and maybe find a good guy by 37. Give the relationship at least a year before you decide to get married and a year before the wedding itself and you're now 39. Then you want to give yourselves at least a year as newlyweds before pregnancy so you're now 40 and trying to get pregnant, which is a WHOLE different ballgame than 33.

Life is REALLY short. Please don't waste too much more time with this guy if his dreams don't align with yours. Your fertility is much more limited than his.

+1. He really took his sweet time deciding marrying you at his age. There are probably other red flags about him being an indecisive/immature man child other than TTC but since this is the topic at hand and really at your age you risk being childless - I would lay down an ultimatum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you need to have someone else - preferably a doctor - tell him that it likely isn't going to happen naturally. My husband is stubborn too - not really to this degree but when he decides on something he's hard to budge - and I think he'd probably want to hear that it isn't going to happen the natural way. THEN you can discuss options since you both want children - adoption/ART/etc.

I think guys often don't know the stats on these things and aren't as realistic as women are. Good luck!

+1 I would like to be a 6 foot tall blond with large breasts, but that isn't happening either.