Husband opposed to/uncomfortable with ART

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me from someone who wasted too much of my life and my fertile years with a man-child who couldn't make an important decision like this: don't wait too long. You've been with him for 8 years, married for 3. You might have 10 years left in which you could still have a baby, but your chances are lower and lower each year. If he doesn't go along with your ultimatum, are you ok with being childless or do you want to divorce and try to start a family with someone else? Let's say it takes 2 years for you to finally let go of this guy. You'll be 35. You start dating again and maybe find a good guy by 37. Give the relationship at least a year before you decide to get married and a year before the wedding itself and you're now 39. Then you want to give yourselves at least a year as newlyweds before pregnancy so you're now 40 and trying to get pregnant, which is a WHOLE different ballgame than 33.

Life is REALLY short. Please don't waste too much more time with this guy if his dreams don't align with yours. Your fertility is much more limited than his.

+1. He really took his sweet time deciding marrying you at his age. There are probably other red flags about him being an indecisive/immature man child other than TTC but since this is the topic at hand and really at your age you risk being childless - I would lay down an ultimatum.

To be fair, he would have married me years earlier, the holdup was all me. I thought if I waited, I would be making a better, more confident decision. And then of course things started falling apart after the wedding. So much for my careful approach.

That is precisely the point, OP. Yes, "you" were the holdup in getting married. How convenient for him! Oh, he would have married you much, much sooner, but wouldn't you know, he's in love with a woman who "just isn't ready yet." Again, please discuss this aspect with yoiur therapist and how it may relate to the current issues you are facing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk with him about it about again and again. What happens if you cry and tell him about your issues. In all likelihood the issue probably isn't his if SA came back normal. If he feels like he is supporting you and helping you will he be more apt to go through with it?

I think it can be more difficult for men when it is planned out rather than spontaneously happening. It gives him more of a chance to think and get scared.

Not every man. Not mine. If a man truly wants a child, he's on board. Manipulating her husband to have a child isn't the answer either.

I agree. "What happens if you cry and tell him about your issues" is terrible advice out of a soap opera script.

My DH wanted kids and was there with and for me through every damn step of our infertility journey. And every step since we were lucky enough to have kids.

How he's acting now, OP, should tell you something about how he will act as a parent.

+1 This, exactly. OP if the best you can do is "I can't imagine myself with anyone else, it's been to long." and he is being such a dick about this, I think it's time for you to consider moving on. If only for your future children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unexplained fertility is very common. That's what my DH and I had.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I will say to you as someone who is on the other side of the fertility struggle (and very grateful to have that be the case), think carefully about the choices you're making right now. I think it is very easy to get singularly focused, obsessed really, on having a baby. However, having a child with the wrong person is hell. If you have stress and conflict and unhappiness in your marriage now, just get ready for what adding a kid will do. It's not pretty. Even if you get divorced from this person, he will be your child's father. It's forever.

Is this REALLY the person you want to have children with?

You're 33. You're not super young, but I'm sorry you're not old enough to be settling and making decisions out of desperation and feeling like this is your one shot to have a baby. Just try to keep a clear head and think long-term.

I'm sorry if this is very blunt. I wish someone had said these things to me.

No worries about being blunt, I get it. If this weren't my own life, I would probably say the same thing. And I have discussed this with my therapist quite a lot. He knows alllll about my husband's "selfish child" attributes. If I thought my husband was a bad guy or totally hopeless, it would be easy to leave. But that's not how it works, does it? There's enough good stuff that I don't want to pull the plug. And if we do have a baby, I could see him rising to the challenge and being great. Or maybe he will be terrible and I will divorce him. I don't know. I guess I am playing the odds as I see them and right now staying with him seems like the best bet.

[Anonymous]

I don't think that your husband being scared/hesitant to do ART makes him a terrible husband or potential father. He's been having unprotected sex with you and went through all the testing. I really just think he is scared and needs a push. Most men get the "push" when their partner says she is pregnant one day. In your situation, he is able to think about it continuously- money, responsibility, oh shit what am I doing? These thoughts are not bad. I had them when I was pregnant with both my kids and I am not a bad mother or wife. It's a fear of the unknown. Everybody has it before big life changing moments- birth, new job, moving, marriage, divorce, new home, retirement, etc. It's not like you guys got horny and had great sex and happened to easily pregnant.

I think therapy is a good idea but, again, you have limited time. What if something is wrong with your egg quality? You wouldn't find this out until IVF. Get started now. If you need to plead a little and let him know how unhappy you are then do it. It doesn't mean that he's not going to be a support to you. He's scared.

Don't let these posters who tell you that their husband was great and went to every monitoring appt get to you. My husband is a great husband and father and only went to 2/4 of the actual IUI's and only the 12 and 20 week OB scans. I was fine with that. Everyone has different relationships and needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that your husband being scared/hesitant to do ART makes him a terrible husband or potential father. He's been having unprotected sex with you and went through all the testing. I really just think he is scared and needs a push. Most men get the "push" when their partner says she is pregnant one day. In your situation, he is able to think about it continuously- money, responsibility, oh shit what am I doing? These thoughts are not bad. I had them when I was pregnant with both my kids and I am not a bad mother or wife. It's a fear of the unknown. Everybody has it before big life changing moments- birth, new job, moving, marriage, divorce, new home, retirement, etc. It's not like you guys got horny and had great sex and happened to easily pregnant.

I think therapy is a good idea but, again, you have limited time. What if something is wrong with your egg quality? You wouldn't find this out until IVF. Get started now. If you need to plead a little and let him know how unhappy you are then do it. It doesn't mean that he's not going to be a support to you. He's scared.

Don't let these posters who tell you that their husband was great and went to every monitoring appt get to you. My husband is a great husband and father and only went to 2/4 of the actual IUI's and only the 12 and 20 week OB scans. I was fine with that. Everyone has different relationships and needs.

I'm one of the previous posters with a supportive husband. My husband didn't come with me to every IUI (he came to none, to be exact) and with my second child, he came to exactly one OB appointment. When we did IVF, I did almost everything by myself except for office consults and retrieval days. The point isn't showing up for every appointment. The point is we talked about it, this is what I wanted and I was ok going alone a lot (I'm very independent), and he was there for me in a heartbeat when I did need him. Most importantly, he was there for me emotionally. This stuff is brutal and when I had terrible days (especially when we had a toddler and we were trying for #2), he would tell me to go to bed and read my book and he would take care of everything. Of course everyone has different relationships and needs. It is very clear that the OP's DH is not meeting her needs in the least at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that your husband being scared/hesitant to do ART makes him a terrible husband or potential father. He's been having unprotected sex with you and went through all the testing. I really just think he is scared and needs a push. Most men get the "push" when their partner says she is pregnant one day. In your situation, he is able to think about it continuously- money, responsibility, oh shit what am I doing? These thoughts are not bad. I had them when I was pregnant with both my kids and I am not a bad mother or wife. It's a fear of the unknown. Everybody has it before big life changing moments- birth, new job, moving, marriage, divorce, new home, retirement, etc. It's not like you guys got horny and had great sex and happened to easily pregnant.

I think therapy is a good idea but, again, you have limited time. What if something is wrong with your egg quality? You wouldn't find this out until IVF. Get started now. If you need to plead a little and let him know how unhappy you are then do it. It doesn't mean that he's not going to be a support to you. He's scared.

Don't let these posters who tell you that their husband was great and went to every monitoring appt get to you. My husband is a great husband and father and only went to 2/4 of the actual IUI's and only the 12 and 20 week OB scans. I was fine with that. Everyone has different relationships and needs.

Thanks, this is really helpful. I think he is very scared. When I asked him last night why he is opposing ART, in addition to the ego thing, he said it was "daunting." And I was like, wtf, you have to jack off into a cup, what is so daunting? But I think it's the "having a kid" thing that is scaring him and he just can't put that together or say it out loud.

Also, on the "emotional support" point, I will admit that he is pretty much sucking, but he does try. When I get upset because I got my period or see yet another facebook pregnancy announcement, he really tries to comfort me and cheer me up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yup, have thought about this, due to my history of depression/anxiety. Have talked to my shrink about it, and if I ever do get knocked up, plan to be followed by some specializing in pre/post-natal.

Also, our plan for when we have kids is for my MIL to be our main childcare provider, so I plan to have her with me for the postpartum period, and ask her to keep an eye on me for signs of trouble.

Can you have your MIL talk to him? Maybe she can convince him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think that your husband being scared/hesitant to do ART makes him a terrible husband or potential father. He's been having unprotected sex with you and went through all the testing. I really just think he is scared and needs a push. Most men get the "push" when their partner says she is pregnant one day. In your situation, he is able to think about it continuously- money, responsibility, oh shit what am I doing? These thoughts are not bad. I had them when I was pregnant with both my kids and I am not a bad mother or wife. It's a fear of the unknown. Everybody has it before big life changing moments- birth, new job, moving, marriage, divorce, new home, retirement, etc. It's not like you guys got horny and had great sex and happened to easily pregnant.

I think therapy is a good idea but, again, you have limited time. What if something is wrong with your egg quality? You wouldn't find this out until IVF. Get started now. If you need to plead a little and let him know how unhappy you are then do it. It doesn't mean that he's not going to be a support to you. He's scared.

Don't let these posters who tell you that their husband was great and went to every monitoring appt get to you. My husband is a great husband and father and only went to 2/4 of the actual IUI's and only the 12 and 20 week OB scans. I was fine with that. Everyone has different relationships and needs.

Thanks, this is really helpful. I think he is very scared. When I asked him last night why he is opposing ART, in addition to the ego thing, he said it was "daunting." And I was like, wtf, you have to jack off into a cup, what is so daunting? But I think it's the "having a kid" thing that is scaring him and he just can't put that together or say it out loud.

Also, on the "emotional support" point, I will admit that he is pretty much sucking, but he does try. When I get upset because I got my period or see yet another facebook pregnancy announcement, he really tries to comfort me and cheer me up.

It's fine to be scared. We're all scared. Who wouldn't be? It's a huge life transition. More for you (the woman), btw. The issue is how you and your DH handle these feelings. Shutting down and refusing to participate isn't an acceptable option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yup, have thought about this, due to my history of depression/anxiety. Have talked to my shrink about it, and if I ever do get knocked up, plan to be followed by some specializing in pre/post-natal.

Also, our plan for when we have kids is for my MIL to be our main childcare provider, so I plan to have her with me for the postpartum period, and ask her to keep an eye on me for signs of trouble.

Can you have your MIL talk to him? Maybe she can convince him.

I don't think my husband would appreciate her trying. I might try to get his BFF to talk to him, though. BFF's wife is a good friend of mine, so she basically knows all. Not sure how much she has told her husband, but I bet he'd be willing to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Yup, have thought about this, due to my history of depression/anxiety. Have talked to my shrink about it, and if I ever do get knocked up, plan to be followed by some specializing in pre/post-natal.

Also, our plan for when we have kids is for my MIL to be our main childcare provider, so I plan to have her with me for the postpartum period, and ask her to keep an eye on me for signs of trouble.

Can you have your MIL talk to him? Maybe she can convince him.

I don't think my husband would appreciate her trying. I might try to get his BFF to talk to him, though. BFF's wife is a good friend of mine, so she basically knows all. Not sure how much she has told her husband, but I bet he'd be willing to help.

This doesn't sound like a good idea to me. It sounds like you are trying to convince him to do ART, which sounds like a recipe for disaster as others have already noted. You two should be able to discuss this and work through it. If you can't, then, honestly, I wouldn't have kids together.

[Anonymous]

It was the other way round in our house. My husband wanted to seek medical help since we were 30. I dragged it until 32. I didn't want the infertility brand.. I think I was just scared that I would get in to the roller coaster and won't be able to come out of it. Sadly, that's what happened. I am still cycling!
Maybe your husband wants to give some more try at home and then seek help. I felt very optimistic somehow and wanted to keep trying. Since it didn't happen at all, I finally dragged myself along to an RE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It was the other way round in our house. My husband wanted to seek medical help since we were 30. I dragged it until 32. I didn't want the infertility brand.. I think I was just scared that I would get in to the roller coaster and won't be able to come out of it. Sadly, that's what happened. I am still cycling!
Maybe your husband wants to give some more try at home and then seek help. I felt very optimistic somehow and wanted to keep trying. Since it didn't happen at all, I finally dragged myself along to an RE.

But they've already been trying for nearly two years using a Clear Blue monitor. How much longer is she supposed to wait?

[Anonymous]

OP, you don't know that your husband is not the problem, because morphology and motility can change. I have had tests where it showed a problem with morphology and then two weeks later it looked fine.

My first thought was that he was reluctant about the masturbation, because that is an issue for a number of guys. But take it from a guy who went though over 5 years of fertility treatment with his wife, you get over it. In fact, you quickly realize that it is more awkward to do it at home and bring the cup in than it is do complete the entire process at the clinic.

You have described the emotional toll the process has had on you so far, so perhaps when he says it is a daunting undertaking he is referring to the fact that the he does not know how he will handle the emotional situations you will encounter during treatment, which he may anticipate will be more intense compared to what you have experienced to date. If that is what it is, that is something you can work on together.

It could also be that he is worried about having a child when he is over 40 years old. I'm 46 and we are expecting our first child this summer. I don't see it as a problem because people in my family and my wife's family live have generally lived well into their 80s. But for some people this is an issue. I may not be able to play basketball with my child like I could if I were 20 years younger, but I will still take him/her hiking and kayaking.

Whatever his issue is, he does owe you an explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was the other way round in our house. My husband wanted to seek medical help since we were 30. I dragged it until 32. I didn't want the infertility brand.. I think I was just scared that I would get in to the roller coaster and won't be able to come out of it. Sadly, that's what happened. I am still cycling!
Maybe your husband wants to give some more try at home and then seek help. I felt very optimistic somehow and wanted to keep trying. Since it didn't happen at all, I finally dragged myself along to an RE.

But they've already been trying for nearly two years using a Clear Blue monitor. How much longer is she supposed to wait?

I understand. He needs to see an RE. What I was saying is maybe he is trying to be optimistic that it will work at home.
OP, you have to deal with this diplomatically and not use arm wrestling. You should tell him how your other friends have kids and how you feel left out. Some sort of emotional persuasion. That's how I got ready to go an RE. Friends started announcing their 2nd pregnancies and I got really worried I would be left out!

[Anonymous]

Honestly this sounds f'd up, but I started fertility treatment (clomid at least) before my husband was on board. I didn't need him to go to appointments with me, but he certainly wasn't complaining abt the timed intercourse. He was mad at me for abt a year for forcing him on this shitty trajectory before he was ready bc obviously our situation kept getting more and more dire. By the time we started IVF 18 months later, he was ready. It just takes men longer to come to terms with reality. Had I not forced the situation, we would have been in a holding pattern forever. Many times I doubted whether I had done the right thing, but now I have my answer after all of these failed IVFs and MC. We are licking our wounds together and moving onto donor eggs completely on the same page. I hope he gets over his denial soon!!