Husband opposed to/uncomfortable with ART

[Anonymous]

Like PP, I did the process mostly by myself too. We did 3 IUIs and 1 IVF (and fortunately I got BFP from the first IVF). DH went to RE’s office exactly twice, once for the shot class, and once for ER. I did the initial consultation with RE by myself, so DH never met my regular RE. I went to ET by myself. I am fine about it though because I understood how he felt. I myself was very uncomfortable and reluctant about going through ART. We previously got pregnant naturally and then miscarried. But we felt we should be able to get pregnant naturally because it happened once. Even though I was older (36) than OP, we were in denial that we needed ART. So I didn’t push him to go to the RE’s office with me. I just told him I don’t want to do those procedures either, but I know I would regret it in the future if I don’t try now. To be honest, I didn't tell most of my friends that we did IVF to get pregnant. I know I was very fortunate that it worked for us, but I don’t know, I guess I still feel inferior. On the other hand, DH’s view on ART has changed dramatically since we had our DC. We recently started talking about trying for #2, and he wants to go straight to IVF. He (half jokingly) says IVF gave us this perfect child because we get the best egg and the best sperm through the process.

I think OP’s husband is in denial too because OP is young. I totally understand that. As long as he is not refusing to provide his sample, I would just try to do IUI myself and see what happens. I think that saves your sanity. The worst part for me was just waiting and nothing was happening. Once I started the process, yes, I got disappointed when IUI didn’t work but at least I had plans for the next treatment and felt hopeful. I think that was good for our relationship too because I was generally in better mood.

I really hope it works out for OP and her DH.

[Anonymous]

NP here, not sure what to make of any of this, but all of you telling OP her husband is a man-child for not being on board and it-just-takes time stuff are out of your mind. He's a man, he has a hard time articulating how he feels because, feelings are complicated!

THIS is complicated is it not, complicated and heartbreaking and a massive way to spend time and money in pursuit of this thing we just KNOW will make us happy, and then.... Well, then?

Talk to your MIL?!? Really?! Jesus.

[Anonymous]

OP here: to be fair, I kind of asked for the man-child thing when I agreed with the first poster who called him a selfish child. We have some other issues (basically, I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything) for which that description is more apt, but of course it bleeds into this issue too.

FWIW, he has Asperger's and is pretty terrible at communicating, especially about emotions. I get that he is scared, that his feelings are complicated, that he's not the best at articulating them. But calling a veto on the plans we've been working on for months and months was infuriating.

For an update, when I got home tonight he told me he's decided he's willing to do ART. I asked him when and he tried to do the whole "why don't you tell me when we should do it and I'll fall in line" thing, but I told him I'm not playing that game and he needs to make a decision. I suggested he think about it for 24 hours then tell me. He also expressed some previously unstated fears, including what if IUI doesn't work and then we try IVF and that doesn't work. He said he realized I was right that it's better to try and find out rather than do nothing and not know.

Anywayyyy, thanks for all the responses and helping me stay sane today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I'm one of the previous posters with a supportive husband. My husband didn't come with me to every IUI (he came to none, to be exact) and with my second child, he came to exactly one OB appointment. When we did IVF, I did almost everything by myself except for office consults and retrieval days. The point isn't showing up for every appointment. The point is we talked about it, this is what I wanted and I was ok going alone a lot (I'm very independent), and he was there for me in a heartbeat when I did need him. Most importantly, he was there for me emotionally. This stuff is brutal and when I had terrible days (especially when we had a toddler and we were trying for #2), he would tell me to go to bed and read my book and he would take care of everything. Of course everyone has different relationships and needs. It is very clear that the OP's DH is not meeting her needs in the least at the moment.

NP here. My situation was very similar...there were logistical reasons (work travel) that he wasn't there physically for many of the treatments (e.g. never saw me administer a single shot through 3 rounds of fresh IVF).

What gives me pause is that you've had issues and misgivings absent the IF. I get the desire to be willing to play the odds on how your DH will react to a new baby if it were easy to get and stay pregnant. But in your situation, it's not. ART may work for you, or it may not. And even if it does, the process is likely to be an emotional roller coaster. It honestly sounds like you've already got misgivings about your marriage. I think it would be harder, not easier to do ART while trying to manage a relationship with an unsupportive partner than to do it alone. Because if a cycle is unsuccessful, you might worry about his reaction if you know he's not on board.

Sorry, this is a web forum so I may be reading too much into your post. But you sound ambivalent at best about moving forward with ART with your DH. And, think about this very long and hard, but if having a child is more important to you than your marriage (and one of your posts implies that), then don't discount your abilty to undergo ART and raise a child outside of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: to be fair, I kind of asked for the man-child thing when I agreed with the first poster who called him a selfish child. We have some other issues (basically, I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything) for which that description is more apt, but of course it bleeds into this issue too.

FWIW, he has Asperger's and is pretty terrible at communicating, especially about emotions. I get that he is scared, that his feelings are complicated, that he's not the best at articulating them. But calling a veto on the plans we've been working on for months and months was infuriating.

For an update, when I got home tonight he told me he's decided he's willing to do ART. I asked him when and he tried to do the whole "why don't you tell me when we should do it and I'll fall in line" thing, but I told him I'm not playing that game and he needs to make a decision. I suggested he think about it for 24 hours then tell me. He also expressed some previously unstated fears, including what if IUI doesn't work and then we try IVF and that doesn't work. He said he realized I was right that it's better to try and find out rather than do nothing and not know.

Anywayyyy, thanks for all the responses and helping me stay sane today.

So it seems like he's told you his fears and is on board. Just tell him you're going in for monitoring on day 3 of your next period and will start then. I would not have given him 24 hrs to get in line. It is really scary to think about IUI or IVF not working. Then you need to start down the road of donor eggs, adoption, being childless. Good luck with everything!!

[Anonymous]

You need to get that responsibility issue taken care of ASAP. It will only magnify with a kid, and in a biiiig way. Kids are a ton of work and responsibility. Maybe this is the heart of his misgivings.

[Anonymous]

We had unexplained infertility and I was not comfortable with ART. In fact, I decided being childfree was preferable. Your DH is not selfish or immature to feel this way. He is well within his rights to have an opinion on how he wants to bring a life into the world. Decide if you want to be childfree or divorced. The decision lies entirely with you.

[Anonymous]

Accurately describing your relationship in an online forum and escaping judgment is dam near impossible for everyone. Good luck op!

[Anonymous]

OP if your DH becomes reluctant again or starts to drag his feet, consider having your eggs vitrified. This is something that was not a good option for people like me when we were your age - I'm 10 years older than you and moved on to donor egg. The freezing methods for eggs are so good now, and you're young enough that your egg quality could still be quite good. Having your eggs vitrified ASAP gives you options in case your husband gets cold feet again or you end up divorcing and starting again with another partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here: to be fair, I kind of asked for the man-child thing when I agreed with the first poster who called him a selfish child. We have some other issues (basically, I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything) for which that description is more apt, but of course it bleeds into this issue too.

FWIW, he has Asperger's and is pretty terrible at communicating, especially about emotions. I get that he is scared, that his feelings are complicated, that he's not the best at articulating them. But calling a veto on the plans we've been working on for months and months was infuriating.

For an update, when I got home tonight he told me he's decided he's willing to do ART. I asked him when and he tried to do the whole "why don't you tell me when we should do it and I'll fall in line" thing, but I told him I'm not playing that game and he needs to make a decision. I suggested he think about it for 24 hours then tell me. He also expressed some previously unstated fears, including what if IUI doesn't work and then we try IVF and that doesn't work. He said he realized I was right that it's better to try and find out rather than do nothing and not know.

Anywayyyy, thanks for all the responses and helping me stay sane today.

That is going to suck with a baby in the picture. Heck, even with a pregnancy.

Get some marital counseling. None of what you're saying sounds good for having a baby.

[Anonymous]

OP, leaving aside the "he does what he wants all the time" thing...

I've known two couples where the husband was opposed to ART. The first was a Jesus freak who thought that going through ART meant telling God he doesn't have trust in him, and that was a big no-no. Luckily, the wife got pregnant (after 6 years of trying) and they are happy now.

The second husband was opposed to ART because he had misgivings about having a child, period, but ART was a convenient thing to hang it on.

My own DH was on board for the 2nd child initially (we had DS1 naturally) but then became opposed for inexplicable reasons. I kept the pressure on with periodic checks (at 41, I couldn't bloody well wait forever) and then I did a super-mature thing - called up his best friend and asked him to talk to DH casually without referencing me when I knew they were supposed to have lunch together. He obliged, DH came back with "let's try right now!" I sent the friend a fruit basket.

Am 22 weeks right now and DH is happy as could be and talking about #3 down the road. So, do whatever works. Also, make it as easy on your DH as possible. I had to jerk mine off at SG offices on the day of the ER. It's not fun with an IV line stuck down your arm but I was a woman on a mission.

[Anonymous]

OP, the more you write, the more concerned I get. First of all, if he agreed, why are you now being passive and making him make the decision for when you should start. You need to accept your DH for who he is if you are going to stay with him. Stop trying to make him into someone else. He is NOT going to be the driver of the ART process. If he's now willing to go along, you drive. Start next month.

Second, you say, "I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything."

That is REALLY bad, OP. Really bad. If he does that with everything else, why do you think it will be different with a child? You are blindly hoping and not operating on the evidence that you have before you. Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe him.

I met my husband at 38 and had a baby at 41. It can be done. Do not think you are trapped into this guy or no one. But if you stay with him, don't think you're going to change him or that a baby magically will. You'll be doing 80-90% of the work of this, at least. Is that ok with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more you write, the more concerned I get. First of all, if he agreed, why are you now being passive and making him make the decision for when you should start. You need to accept your DH for who he is if you are going to stay with him. Stop trying to make him into someone else. He is NOT going to be the driver of the ART process. If he's now willing to go along, you drive. Start next month.

Second, you say, "I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything."

That is REALLY bad, OP. Really bad. If he does that with everything else, why do you think it will be different with a child? You are blindly hoping and not operating on the evidence that you have before you. Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe him.

I met my husband at 38 and had a baby at 41. It can be done. Do not think you are trapped into this guy or no one. But if you stay with him, don't think you're going to change him or that a baby magically will. You'll be doing 80-90% of the work of this, at least. Is that ok with you?

This is exactly right. He said he was willing to do it and you left the timing up to him? No, that's not what either of you want. Tell him you're starting on X date and his responsibilities are X, Y, Z. Usually I'm not in favor of unilateral decisions in a marriage but in this case it's what you need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more you write, the more concerned I get. First of all, if he agreed, why are you now being passive and making him make the decision for when you should start. You need to accept your DH for who he is if you are going to stay with him. Stop trying to make him into someone else. He is NOT going to be the driver of the ART process. If he's now willing to go along, you drive. Start next month.

Second, you say, "I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything."

That is REALLY bad, OP. Really bad. If he does that with everything else, why do you think it will be different with a child? You are blindly hoping and not operating on the evidence that you have before you. Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe him.

I met my husband at 38 and had a baby at 41. It can be done. Do not think you are trapped into this guy or no one. But if you stay with him, don't think you're going to change him or that a baby magically will. You'll be doing 80-90% of the work of this, at least. Is that ok with you?

This is exactly right. He said he was willing to do it and you left the timing up to him? No, that's not what either of you want. Tell him you're starting on X date and his responsibilities are X, Y, Z. Usually I'm not in favor of unilateral decisions in a marriage but in this case it's what you need.

Agree with this completely!! Unilateral decisions are great and all, but you don't unilaterally decide how you're going to treat one person's strep throat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the more you write, the more concerned I get. First of all, if he agreed, why are you now being passive and making him make the decision for when you should start. You need to accept your DH for who he is if you are going to stay with him. Stop trying to make him into someone else. He is NOT going to be the driver of the ART process. If he's now willing to go along, you drive. Start next month.

Second, you say, "I think he does whatever he wants all the time and leaves me to be responsible for everything."

That is REALLY bad, OP. Really bad. If he does that with everything else, why do you think it will be different with a child? You are blindly hoping and not operating on the evidence that you have before you. Your husband has shown you who he is. Believe him.

I met my husband at 38 and had a baby at 41. It can be done. Do not think you are trapped into this guy or no one. But if you stay with him, don't think you're going to change him or that a baby magically will. You'll be doing 80-90% of the work of this, at least. Is that ok with you?

I don't think I'm being passive aggressive. I'm tired of him leaving all the decision-making to me (unless he feels like vetoing me) and I want him to actively make a choice, not throw up his hands and say "you get to decide." Him saying okay to ART is only halfway to a decision. The "when" matters. His original vetoing (and maybe I wasn't clear) wasn't saying "no, never," but "no, not now." So the "when" question is still up in the air.

And I'm aware that the pattern of him doing whatever he wants and me being the responsible one is terrible. I don't think this thread is the place for me to detail everything I/we are doing about that, but trust me, I know it is huge.