Husband opposed to/uncomfortable with ART

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me from someone who wasted too much of my life and my fertile years with a man-child who couldn't make an important decision like this: don't wait too long. You've been with him for 8 years, married for 3. You might have 10 years left in which you could still have a baby, but your chances are lower and lower each year. If he doesn't go along with your ultimatum, are you ok with being childless or do you want to divorce and try to start a family with someone else? Let's say it takes 2 years for you to finally let go of this guy. You'll be 35. You start dating again and maybe find a good guy by 37. Give the relationship at least a year before you decide to get married and a year before the wedding itself and you're now 39. Then you want to give yourselves at least a year as newlyweds before pregnancy so you're now 40 and trying to get pregnant, which is a WHOLE different ballgame than 33.

Life is REALLY short. Please don't waste too much more time with this guy if his dreams don't align with yours. Your fertility is much more limited than his.

+1. He really took his sweet time deciding marrying you at his age. There are probably other red flags about him being an indecisive/immature man child other than TTC but since this is the topic at hand and really at your age you risk being childless - I would lay down an ultimatum.

This is a really good point. If he is 7 years older than you are, you may not have really noticed that he was dragging his feet about marriage -- in fact, you were probably attractive to him because you are younger and therefore were not "ready" to get married within a couple of years of meeting! What does that have to do with this current situation? A lot, actually. Please discuss that with your therapist!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me from someone who wasted too much of my life and my fertile years with a man-child who couldn't make an important decision like this: don't wait too long. You've been with him for 8 years, married for 3. You might have 10 years left in which you could still have a baby, but your chances are lower and lower each year. If he doesn't go along with your ultimatum, are you ok with being childless or do you want to divorce and try to start a family with someone else? Let's say it takes 2 years for you to finally let go of this guy. You'll be 35. You start dating again and maybe find a good guy by 37. Give the relationship at least a year before you decide to get married and a year before the wedding itself and you're now 39. Then you want to give yourselves at least a year as newlyweds before pregnancy so you're now 40 and trying to get pregnant, which is a WHOLE different ballgame than 33.

Life is REALLY short. Please don't waste too much more time with this guy if his dreams don't align with yours. Your fertility is much more limited than his.

+1. He really took his sweet time deciding marrying you at his age. There are probably other red flags about him being an indecisive/immature man child other than TTC but since this is the topic at hand and really at your age you risk being childless - I would lay down an ultimatum.

To be fair, he would have married me years earlier, the holdup was all me. I thought if I waited, I would be making a better, more confident decision. And then of course things started falling apart after the wedding. So much for my careful approach.

[Anonymous]

Is he embarrassed about the masturbation part? I would tell him to do it at home and leave it in the sample cup. You take it to the facility and "check it in" so he doesn't have to deal with it. He can then meet up with you a couple hours later for the IUI or you just do that part alone too. The IUI is nothing and you can easily do it alone- feels like a Pap smear- no big deal.

[Anonymous]

PP here: I know some people will jump on me about allowing DH to not be supportive but this is your life. I would not waste months of therapy to hear that your husband is embarrassed about everyone at SG knowing he masturbated or that his pride is hurt. You are not young. Make it as easy as possible for him. If you both want kids then you better get the ball rolling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Trust me from someone who wasted too much of my life and my fertile years with a man-child who couldn't make an important decision like this: don't wait too long. You've been with him for 8 years, married for 3. You might have 10 years left in which you could still have a baby, but your chances are lower and lower each year. If he doesn't go along with your ultimatum, are you ok with being childless or do you want to divorce and try to start a family with someone else? Let's say it takes 2 years for you to finally let go of this guy. You'll be 35. You start dating again and maybe find a good guy by 37. Give the relationship at least a year before you decide to get married and a year before the wedding itself and you're now 39. Then you want to give yourselves at least a year as newlyweds before pregnancy so you're now 40 and trying to get pregnant, which is a WHOLE different ballgame than 33.

Life is REALLY short. Please don't waste too much more time with this guy if his dreams don't align with yours. Your fertility is much more limited than his.

+1. He really took his sweet time deciding marrying you at his age. There are probably other red flags about him being an indecisive/immature man child other than TTC but since this is the topic at hand and really at your age you risk being childless - I would lay down an ultimatum.

To be fair, he would have married me years earlier, the holdup was all me. I thought if I waited, I would be making a better, more confident decision. And then of course things started falling apart after the wedding. So much for my careful approach.

I just want to warn you that things will get much worse once a child arrives. Be prepared for post partum depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here: I know some people will jump on me about allowing DH to not be supportive but this is your life. I would not waste months of therapy to hear that your husband is embarrassed about everyone at SG knowing he masturbated or that his pride is hurt. You are not young. Make it as easy as possible for him. If you both want kids then you better get the ball rolling.

He doesn't like that part, but he'll do it. He already did the SA.

As for "get the ball rolling," I thought I did when we started going to SG. I didn't expect to be stymied, especially after we made a plan, together, in the doctor's office.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I just want to warn you that things will get much worse once a child arrives. Be prepared for post partum depression.

Yup, have thought about this, due to my history of depression/anxiety. Have talked to my shrink about it, and if I ever do get knocked up, plan to be followed by some specializing in pre/post-natal.

Also, our plan for when we have kids is for my MIL to be our main childcare provider, so I plan to have her with me for the postpartum period, and ask her to keep an eye on me for signs of trouble.

[Anonymous]

So if both of your tests came back fine, what is it that you've been doing that hasn't been working?

Are you using a monitor? Like CB Easy? You could be missing your window every cycle without knowing it. That's what was happening to me and I didn't even realize it through 14 months of trying, testing (HSG, day 3, u/s for me and SA for DH). We got a monitor and got pregnant the first month trying.

I'm just saying, if you haven't pursued absolutely everything (I don't know though from your post what you have tried! Not being snarky!) try it.

Although frankly, 40 is awfully old for a guy to be dragging his feet if he really does want kids.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are not old. However, you do not have too much time on your hands. Don't wait.

[Anonymous]

Talk with him about it about again and again. What happens if you cry and tell him about your issues. In all likelihood the issue probably isn't his if SA came back normal. If he feels like he is supporting you and helping you will he be more apt to go through with it?

I think it can be more difficult for men when it is planned out rather than spontaneously happening. It gives him more of a chance to think and get scared.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk with him about it about again and again. What happens if you cry and tell him about your issues. In all likelihood the issue probably isn't his if SA came back normal. If he feels like he is supporting you and helping you will he be more apt to go through with it?

I think it can be more difficult for men when it is planned out rather than spontaneously happening. It gives him more of a chance to think and get scared.

Yes, I think you are right. He is maybe taking a general male tendency to an annoying level.

I can't really cry on command, but I have told him how I feel many times. Maybe I have been a little too clinical in explaining things and should just say "please support me in this thing that matters to me." And then say it again...

I mentioned in my first post that I had polyps removed in October. The Dr. thought that might help conception, but he wasn't optimistic about it. Other than that, our infertility is unexplained, which I understand is fairly common. There isn't always an identifiable reason.

I have been using the CB monitor for almost a year, so I don't think timing is an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Talk with him about it about again and again. What happens if you cry and tell him about your issues. In all likelihood the issue probably isn't his if SA came back normal. If he feels like he is supporting you and helping you will he be more apt to go through with it?

I think it can be more difficult for men when it is planned out rather than spontaneously happening. It gives him more of a chance to think and get scared.

Not every man. Not mine. If a man truly wants a child, he's on board. Manipulating her husband to have a child isn't the answer either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk with him about it about again and again. What happens if you cry and tell him about your issues. In all likelihood the issue probably isn't his if SA came back normal. If he feels like he is supporting you and helping you will he be more apt to go through with it?

I think it can be more difficult for men when it is planned out rather than spontaneously happening. It gives him more of a chance to think and get scared.

Yes, I think you are right. He is maybe taking a general male tendency to an annoying level.

I can't really cry on command, but I have told him how I feel many times. Maybe I have been a little too clinical in explaining things and should just say "please support me in this thing that matters to me." And then say it again...

I mentioned in my first post that I had polyps removed in October. The Dr. thought that might help conception, but he wasn't optimistic about it. Other than that, our infertility is unexplained, which I understand is fairly common. There isn't always an identifiable reason.

I have been using the CB monitor for almost a year, so I don't think timing is an issue.

Unexplained is VERY common. Would your husband consider going to an infertility support group like Resolve? Then it's not "therapy" but it gives him a chance to hear and see that there are tons of other people out there who go through this.

[Anonymous]

Unexplained fertility is very common. That's what my DH and I had.

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I will say to you as someone who is on the other side of the fertility struggle (and very grateful to have that be the case), think carefully about the choices you're making right now. I think it is very easy to get singularly focused, obsessed really, on having a baby. However, having a child with the wrong person is hell. If you have stress and conflict and unhappiness in your marriage now, just get ready for what adding a kid will do. It's not pretty. Even if you get divorced from this person, he will be your child's father. It's forever.

Is this REALLY the person you want to have children with?

You're 33. You're not super young, but I'm sorry you're not old enough to be settling and making decisions out of desperation and feeling like this is your one shot to have a baby. Just try to keep a clear head and think long-term.

I'm sorry if this is very blunt. I wish someone had said these things to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Talk with him about it about again and again. What happens if you cry and tell him about your issues. In all likelihood the issue probably isn't his if SA came back normal. If he feels like he is supporting you and helping you will he be more apt to go through with it?

I think it can be more difficult for men when it is planned out rather than spontaneously happening. It gives him more of a chance to think and get scared.

Not every man. Not mine. If a man truly wants a child, he's on board. Manipulating her husband to have a child isn't the answer either.

I agree. "What happens if you cry and tell him about your issues" is terrible advice out of a soap opera script.

My DH wanted kids and was there with and for me through every damn step of our infertility journey. And every step since we were lucky enough to have kids.

How he's acting now, OP, should tell you something about how he will act as a parent.