MIL getting up when baby cried: what would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Walking around your own house isn’t “prowling”.

I questioned this too. She likely wanted to help butdidnt know how to. My mil would take my baby at night to let me sleep during visits.

After the first night, she knew full well what was helpful: Please lower your voice and leave the parents to handle it. Because that’s what they asked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you can't complain about ILs in their OWN house. You were b*tchy to MIL. You are in the wrong here.

It’s pretty b*tchy to continue to speak loudly and try to get involved every night when the parents ask you not to. Good thing OP has already declared more than 20 or so pages ago that they’ll be staying in a hotel from now on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, look in your beautiful baby’s eyes and imagine yourself as the grandmother of her kids. Wouldn’t you want to be included? Letting a grandparent help with basic things, also makes future relationships so much closer. God willing, you will be older one day. I hope your kids/spouses show you more grace.

Grandparent hours are from the time the *parents* say it is wake-up time until the *parents* say it is bedtime. It is also not grandparent time when baby needs to be breastfed (unless mom is comfortable with grandparents in the room) or during nap time (unless parents say it is OK for the grandparent to put the baby down).

4 a.m. is not grandparent time. Deal with it.

PPs message does not contradict yours. Are you against empathizing? Do you not want your kids to empathize with you as you get older. You can set rules and limits and parent only times, and still empathize. Empathy makes relationships stronger. The assumption in all of this is that these particular relationships are important. If they are not important to you, that is fine also. But any important relationship requires empathy and grace. I do think MIL should have left them alone to deal by the third and fourth night. In OPs shoes I would have been annoyed, frazzled, and self-conscious. But I can also understand why grandma didn’t leave them alone for this first visit. This is new to her. She thinks she is supposed to be doing something. This is early in the newly changed relationship, with a new baby and new roles and boundaries, and they are figuring it out. Showing grace doesn’t require relinquishing boundaries. PP is only suggesting some grace after a tough trip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't call it "prowling" in her own house. I read that she was wanting to be helpful, but you've got your mind made up, so best of luck!

I don’t know why people are jumping on “prowling” as a pejorative. When I can’t sleep I definitely prowl around my house, while my dog gives me stink eye for disrupting his slumber.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also, look in your beautiful baby’s eyes and imagine yourself as the grandmother of her kids. Wouldn’t you want to be included? Letting a grandparent help with basic things, also makes future relationships so much closer. God willing, you will be older one day. I hope your kids/spouses show you more grace.

Grandparent hours are from the time the *parents* say it is wake-up time until the *parents* say it is bedtime. It is also not grandparent time when baby needs to be breastfed (unless mom is comfortable with grandparents in the room) or during nap time (unless parents say it is OK for the grandparent to put the baby down).

4 a.m. is not grandparent time. Deal with it.

PPs message does not contradict yours. Are you against empathizing? Do you not want your kids to empathize with you as you get older. You can set rules and limits and parent only times, and still empathize. Empathy makes relationships stronger. The assumption in all of this is that these particular relationships are important. If they are not important to you, that is fine also. But any important relationship requires empathy and grace. I do think MIL should have left them alone to deal by the third and fourth night. In OPs shoes I would have been annoyed, frazzled, and self-conscious. But I can also understand why grandma didn’t leave them alone for this first visit. This is new to her. She thinks she is supposed to be doing something. This is early in the newly changed relationship, with a new baby and new roles and boundaries, and they are figuring it out. Showing grace doesn’t require relinquishing boundaries. PP is only suggesting some grace after a tough trip.

Ignoring parents who tell you, straight out, what would be helpful to them in the middle of the night is simply rude. There’s no “empathy” there. Help that isn’t wanted is not help. What MIL was looking for was either attention or to make some kind of point that the family was disturbing her sleep, even after they offered to stay at a hotel before the visit even began.

If you’re so concerned about empathy, what about empathy to the new parents who are making it clearly known what would be helpful, and being ignored? They drove five hours with a baby. Their needs and wants should be respected and supported.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to just lie there listening to a baby cry (which I would hear even with a closed door and noise machine). Should she have stayed In her room? Yes. But I can understand the urge to get up and do something since you are already awake.

Well, I guess MILs who cannot control their “urges” don’t get to have grandbabies stay overnight. What a pity!

I had the urge to help an elderly neighbor who uses a cane down from her front porch to her car on the street, and offered once. She said no thank you. The second time she offered, she explained to me that she truly prefers to do what she can for herself, and she will let me know if she needs help. Do you think I act on my urge to help her every time I see her in this situation, or do you think I respect her choices and her autonomy?

If I had DIL’s remotely like the ones who post here, I would be thrilled not to have you in my home.

OK, cool! You won’t be seeing much of your grandchild.

Oh, but I do. Sleepover this weekend. My DD and DIL aren’t high maintenance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is hard to just lie there listening to a baby cry (which I would hear even with a closed door and noise machine). Should she have stayed In her room? Yes. But I can understand the urge to get up and do something since you are already awake.

Well, I guess MILs who cannot control their “urges” don’t get to have grandbabies stay overnight. What a pity!

I had the urge to help an elderly neighbor who uses a cane down from her front porch to her car on the street, and offered once. She said no thank you. The second time she offered, she explained to me that she truly prefers to do what she can for herself, and she will let me know if she needs help. Do you think I act on my urge to help her every time I see her in this situation, or do you think I respect her choices and her autonomy?

If I had DIL’s remotely like the ones who post here, I would be thrilled not to have you in my home.

OK, cool! You won’t be seeing much of your grandchild.

Oh, but I do. Sleepover this weekend. My DD and DIL aren’t high maintenance.

Mind your Ps and Qs and you’ll be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you can't complain about ILs in their OWN house. You were b*tchy to MIL. You are in the wrong here.

It’s pretty b*tchy to continue to speak loudly and try to get involved every night when the parents ask you not to. Good thing OP has already declared more than 20 or so pages ago that they’ll be staying in a hotel from now on.

No, MIL was obviously trying to help out of concern that DIL and son were perhaps overwhelmed. Maybe OP didn't have it under control and that's why she was so sensitive. To totally ignore the MIL in her own house is beyond rude and DIL should apologize.

[Anonymous]

Is he hard of hearing? Is she aware how loud she speaks? Is she normally anxious?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you can't complain about ILs in their OWN house. You were b*tchy to MIL. You are in the wrong here.

It’s pretty b*tchy to continue to speak loudly and try to get involved every night when the parents ask you not to. Good thing OP has already declared more than 20 or so pages ago that they’ll be staying in a hotel from now on.

No, MIL was obviously trying to help out of concern that DIL and son were perhaps overwhelmed. Maybe OP didn't have it under control and that's why she was so sensitive. To totally ignore the MIL in her own house is beyond rude and DIL should apologize.

MIL ignored her son and his wife repeatedly, so it’s a wash.

[Anonymous]

Op I think you are tired. Broken and interrupted sleep will do that. It makes you irritable.

You seem to want your MIL to understand that you had everything under control like her asking you constantly if everything was ok was her questioning your ability. I think you have taken a defensive attitude. Did you feel judged by her coming to help, like you weren't handling it?

Her feelings are now hurt. She obviously didn't mean to intrude. I would say you are sleep deprived and leave it at that. You don't need to be right at the expense of her feelings. She wasn't being mean or insulting, she was just being clueless.

Also driving 5 hours is not that long especially with a young baby who probably slept for most of the drive. You are making this more dramatic than it is which is why I come back to you being sleep deprived and irritable. Apologize and move on. Show grace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I think you are tired. Broken and interrupted sleep will do that. It makes you irritable.

You seem to want your MIL to understand that you had everything under control like her asking you constantly if everything was ok was her questioning your ability. I think you have taken a defensive attitude. Did you feel judged by her coming to help, like you weren't handling it?

Her feelings are now hurt. She obviously didn't mean to intrude. I would say you are sleep deprived and leave it at that. You don't need to be right at the expense of her feelings. She wasn't being mean or insulting, she was just being clueless.

Also driving 5 hours is not that long especially with a young baby who probably slept for most of the drive. You are making this more dramatic than it is which is why I come back to you being sleep deprived and irritable. Apologize and move on. Show grace.

People who are asked not to intrude three or four times most certainly do mean to intrude by the fourth time. Where is the “grace” in not respecting the expressed and repeated wishes of the parents?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I think you are tired. Broken and interrupted sleep will do that. It makes you irritable.

You seem to want your MIL to understand that you had everything under control like her asking you constantly if everything was ok was her questioning your ability. I think you have taken a defensive attitude. Did you feel judged by her coming to help, like you weren't handling it?

Her feelings are now hurt. She obviously didn't mean to intrude. I would say you are sleep deprived and leave it at that. You don't need to be right at the expense of her feelings. She wasn't being mean or insulting, she was just being clueless.

Also driving 5 hours is not that long especially with a young baby who probably slept for most of the drive. You are making this more dramatic than it is which is why I come back to you being sleep deprived and irritable. Apologize and move on. Show grace.

People who are asked not to intrude three or four times most certainly do mean to intrude by the fourth time. Where is the “grace” in not respecting the expressed and repeated wishes of the parents?

I think this GM just felt like she had to offer help. It's a new situation to all of them. I think she was clueless and annoying but she wasn't insulting or being mean.

The trip ended with her son saying they wouldn't be visiting again for a while and let her know they were irritated with her. I would bet it's not how she wanted the visit to go. I would bet she had a cry after they left.

Sometimes you don't need to be right. Sometimes you just shrug and think it's just a moment. Life isn't perfect and neither are people. They make mistakes. So she made a mistake. Op could have said 'it's all OK, go back to bed' then rolled her eyes to herself. She didn't, she ignored her twice, which is rude. Both of them made mistakes that night.

Perhaps op was out of her normal routine and simply tired. To me the MIL didn't do anything amazingly bad. I would reach out and clear the air. Imagine all the other stuff GM is going to do. This is the small stuff. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is the woman who raised the man you love and your child’s grandmother. This one trip is really the hill you want to die on? I feel so badly for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is the woman who raised the man you love and your child’s grandmother. This one trip is really the hill you want to die on? I feel so badly for her.

Did I read wrongly that it was OP’s husband who made the decision to stay in a hotel until baby was STTN? How interesting that you lay this at OP’s feet.