WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.
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Anonymous
Why would someone who is not OP ask to delete this thread? It’s her decision. |
Anonymous
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OP, sounds like you've made the decision about what to do or not do, but for you and others out there, don't stop with the coach. If it's high school, go to the athletic director.
Coaches often are teachers with more narrow views of how to deal with teens. Some are great; some aren't. The athletic director is the coach's boss, first of all, and also, he/she has a high-altitude understanding of what good coaching and leadership look like, what bullying and hazing look like, and how to handle all those things. The AD will have perspective -- and can make a good decision about whether the girls who did this deserve to play any sport at that school. |
Anonymous
My comment was written for OP. |
Anonymous
because it is way too personal and that upset me. Some of the comments were inappropriate and sounded like the people involved were responding. |
Anonymous
This depends greatly on the athletic director. If there is a problem with a coach concerning a team issue then the athletic director is step one. This is not a coach problem. This is a bullying issue. If the kids were on a varsity team I would start and likely end with the coach. They are not. If the coach is an experienced teacher at the school (and not anyone else lower on the totem pole) then you could start with the JV coach. Lots of JV coaches are not an experienced teacher though. So, the place to go would be the discipline person for the school. I would say that all of my kids played high school sports. One played 4 years in college. I have seen and heard about lots of typical teen stuff on teams - parties, drinking, getting with someone else’s significant other, and fights over stupid stuff. This is pretty darn stupid. For the kid who was excluded it obviously is a big deal with much to be sorted out. For the kids who went along and said nothing - it is a school punishable offense but more important would be some time spent analyzing why they went along. For the kids who planned it - again a bigger deal and they and their parents all need to consider why they thought it would be fun and okay. Parents of the leaders need to be involved as there are discipline ramifications that could and should apply. Example: no school sports until a paper is written and another meeting, with parents, is held. |
Anonymous
So don’t open it. It’s OP’s thread FFS. |
Anonymous
Sounds like those involved posted in the heat of the moment and now regret it. |
Anonymous
I felt bad for OP's daughter, who obviously likes to keep her own counsel. |
Anonymous
| I have been following this thread since the beginning, posted a few times and really hope if the OP feels up to it she will pay an update. Something similar happened to my daughter this summer re club lacrosse and so I am really cheering for a positive outcome for OP and her family. Mean people really suck. |
Anonymous
I was accused twice of being involved and yet I don't even live in the USA. It seems anyone who advocated for a tempered response or for validating the daughter's input were accused of being involved. |
Anonymous
Same here (though I live in the US). Also, previous PP, "a thread that I didn't start, have no connection to at all, and that numerous people are posting on and following upset me, so the administrator should delete it?" Really? Come on, that's ridiculous. |
Anonymous
| OP, any updates? |
Anonymous
| OP - please give us an update! |
Anonymous
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This is OP back with an update. I have been having trouble figuring out where to begin but want to give you some answers to some of your questions and let you know which pieces of advice we ultimately followed and where we plan to go from here.
So many of you urged going to the coach or the administration while another contingent urged listening to my daughter’s feelings and advised caution (particularly with respect to going to the other parents involved or using social media in any form). But it was two posts, one right after the other, that really jolted me. Here they are: First post: One of the early posters on the thread here. People who are posting ever longer and more aggressive posts on this are missing an important point. There is no father involved in the thread; OP is likely a single mom. Perpetrator girls are "well connected". OP is aware of this. The excluded kid and her mom, the OP, have some kind of a social reason to "eat it", stay quiet, keep playing the sport. I would guess private school and academic scholarship, since the child would be on Varsity if it were athletic. Or perhaps the child is "living with a family friend" to attend a well-regarded public. That is why the mom is painfully looking for the way through without demanding any resolution. That is why she is unsure of the social norms (was it really bullying?). That is probably why the child was excluded to begin with. Second post, immediately following the first one: Wow, you are quite a jerk. My DD went through a similar experience in high school several years ago and only now after reading this thread do I realize it was actually bullying. When it happens to your child, it stuns you and you think that surely this can’t be what really happened. In our case, yes, it was at a private school AND we were full pay AND dad is fully in the picture, but understands teen girl dynamics even less than I do, so he let me take the lead on this. Take your crazy conspiracy theories elsewhere I have to say, each of the posters kinda hit the nail on the head. The second poster is right: When it happens to you, you are stunned. You just can’t believe it. Not only did my daughter wonder why she was targeted and whether she did something to cause this, so did I. I wondered if I had done something to offend the other girls’ parents. Or was our family considered socially unacceptable in some way that I was not aware of? We each victim blamed ourselves. I did some deep soul searching to see whether I had consciously or unconsciously signaled that we were not “one of them” in some way that caused my daughter to be the target of this particular prank. And she also did some self-reflection to see whether she had led these girls to believe that she would in some way just take it. Or that she had led them to believe that she was a “safe target” because she would not retaliate (and neither would her mom). I realized, like the first poster above, that my own sense of the parent social and political dynamics at the school were such that I did not feel like I could go to the coach or the administration even if my DD had not asked me not to. We are not a single parent family, our financial situation is not notable in any way, we are not immigrants nor a diplomat/World Bank family just here for a few years, we are neither helicopter parents nor absent parents. But I did let the power balance get out of whack. I didn’t step up when there were volunteer calls as often as others. I have not held leadership positions on any committees, fundraisers, school foundations, booster clubs, or PTAs. I wasn’t snack mom as often as others over the years. I had a low profile and, as it turns out, it was too low. Other parents made splashy donations, became President of this or Chief Fundraiser for that. And those parents made friends with the other parents who did that and they, in turn, had the ears of the teachers, coaches and administration and I did not. It is as much a condemnation of how our school works as an admission of a strategic error on my part. So, when my DD was pranked and asked me not to go to the coach or the administration, I agreed. Because, after all, how could I affect any change and who would listen to me over the other parents? Those other parents whose volunteer help and money they need. All while cognizant of the college admission cycle that we will all be going through together in a couple of years. So…first poster, you were right. I, along with my DD, was seeking the easiest path to resolution because neither of us felt we had any power. Except…a funny thing happened. After a little more reflection, my DD decided to do something. She confronted the team and essentially told them how destructive to the team environment their prank was and that while they can expect her commitment to winning they should not expect her friendship or respect. This has apparently shifted the atmosphere in a fabulously unexpected way – the other girls have been chagrined and walk on eggshells around her. And the more they do that the more confident and unwavering my DD has become, so much so that the coach has remarked on her new bearing. I underestimated both my DD’s grace and her grit and I am so proud of how she has conducted herself. I, on the other hand, have learned a valuable lesson. I have other children and will have eyes wide open now. I’m sure many of you are disappointed that I did not go to the coach or the administration, particularly those of you that wondered how the bullying would ever end unless people spoke out. I understand and appreciate that point of view but could not be the person to take on the establishment in that way -- the establishment is not built to listen to one person coming forward. It is built to favor the hyper-involved or affluent or socially powerful. Rather than approach the school about what happened to my DD, I would love to approach the school about changing the environment in a way where everyone feels like they could pick up the phone. For example: board positions should rotate frequently and be distributed evenly among levels (to avoid concentration among a few, close friends), parents should not be allowed to donate directly to teams but rather just to the school (to avoid special treatment of child), etc. I’m sure we could brainstorm a ton. So that’s it. Many thanks, again, to all of you who contributed to this thread. All of the replies were invaluable during this process. With best wishes to each of your and your families- OP |
Anonymous
| I think your DD handled it in the best possible way. This will probably end up being a powerful learning experience for her and she will be a much stronger woman as a result. I hope the best for you both going forward. |