Partner and I can't agree on a surname after marriage and now I'm wondering if marrying him is even worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just call the whole thing off. I'm serious. If you can't even do this to reach a mutual goal, how will you handle all life will throw at you?

Not OP, but how exactly would you handle this? He's the own that refuses to compromise. She offered to hyphenate and he didn't want to. She offered him to change his name, he didn't want to, but he expects her to change hers. there's not much to agree on.

Not PP. but this is a talk that should have happened long ago. Long before this time. My DH kept her name. I could care less. Not important at all but big deal to her feminist self. We have been married 30 years. She wishes she changed her name. She said would have been much easier. I still don’t care. She was good with the kids taking my name. We both absolutely hate double names. These were conversations long before we talked about marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

Exactly. People make it sound like it's hard. I'm very disappointed that men don't take a hyphenated name. The expectation that women must bear this burden is absurd.

The hyphen names do not work for the future. Smith-Thomas marries Brown-Jones. What do they do with their kids? Doing a hyphen names is selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say your kid has to go to the er..do they make you show a birth certificate or some other proof that you’re the legal guardian? Or crossing the border into Canada? Seems like it would be a lot easier for everyone if you had the same last name.

Yes crossing into Canada may be an issue. I had remarried and had a different last name from my teen kid. I had to take their birth certificate (showing I was the mom), my marriage license showing my current last name, all our regular ID, my divorce decree showing I had custodial rights, and I had to get a notarized letter from my ex approving the trip. Usually he would have forced me to court to get it, but since our kid was old enough to see what was up, he gave it to me.

He later took our kid to Canada and sailed right through the border with just their IDs, no notarized letter from me or divorce decree showing he had visitation rights. I'm sure many cross into Canada with far less, even if they are married and have the same last name as their kid, but it did put some stress on me having to show the progression of my last name changing since the birth certificate, as well as the custody papers.

These documents are always required from parents travelling with their minor children alone regardless of name:
https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/visit-canada/minor-children-travelling-canada.html

These documents might not always be checked at the border but everyone should have them. Sharing a name with a minor doesn't mean you're the custodial parent or that you're even related to the child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

Exactly. People make it sound like it's hard. I'm very disappointed that men don't take a hyphenated name. The expectation that women must bear this burden is absurd.

The hyphen names do not work for the future. Smith-Thomas marries Brown-Jones. What do they do with their kids? Doing a hyphen names is selfish.

I have a hyphenated name and I'm giving my child a hyphenated name. A couple where both are hyphenated can choose a single last name or choose one part of their lastnames each and combine them. Selfish is the expectation that only one partner gets to slap their name on both kids and wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was easier to change names when this trend started as most women married between 16-24 and didn’t have many degrees, bank accounts, professional licenses, LinkedIn, passports, driving license, homeownership, credit history etc.

It doesn't really matter. You can be 18 and unemployed, and you still don't need to justify keeping your name

It doesn’t but it did to people back then.

[Anonymous]

Keep children’s lives simple, don’t hyphenate their names to proof your point.

[Anonymous]

Yes, first wives took names of their presidential husbands but first daughters kept their last name. Married daughters of Clinton, Bush, Trump, Biden etc all use their dad’s names, not of their husband’s.

[Anonymous]

There shouldn’t be societal rules or pressures, every man and woman should decide for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he was surprised by the conversation, his first reaction may not have been the best reaction. Don’t blow this out of proportion.

Double barrel names aren’t common outside of certain cultures and they can be a burden.

This is a good chance to use communication skills that will serve you both well in marriage. Good luck!

Long live the patriarchy, right?

Exactly. People make it sound like it's hard. I'm very disappointed that men don't take a hyphenated name. The expectation that women must bear this burden is absurd.

The hyphen names do not work for the future. Smith-Thomas marries Brown-Jones. What do they do with their kids? Doing a hyphen names is selfish.

Who cares? Conventions change, and it will be your child's problem to decide about their own name! They can be Brown or Jones or Smith or Thomas or Tombrown or Smithjo or Adamski or whatever the heck they want to be. Or Smith-Thomas-Brown-Jones. It does not matter. You don't make a decision now because MAYBE! COULD BE! MIGHT HAPPEN! that you meet another person with a last name that is difficult. Nobody cares about your double hyphenated name any more than they care about your collection of Beanie Babies.

It's easy to get caught up in stupid what ifs, but if you just remember - nobody cares, do whatever you want as long as you don't hurt others - they you are all set. And not taking your spouse's name hurts nobody.

[Anonymous]

If you guys can’t agree on this, do not marry him. You should not feel pressured to take a name that is not yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say your kid has to go to the er..do they make you show a birth certificate or some other proof that you’re the legal guardian? Or crossing the border into Canada? Seems like it would be a lot easier for everyone if you had the same last name.

Yes crossing into Canada may be an issue. I had remarried and had a different last name from my teen kid. I had to take their birth certificate (showing I was the mom), my marriage license showing my current last name, all our regular ID, my divorce decree showing I had custodial rights, and I had to get a notarized letter from my ex approving the trip. Usually he would have forced me to court to get it, but since our kid was old enough to see what was up, he gave it to me.

He later took our kid to Canada and sailed right through the border with just their IDs, no notarized letter from me or divorce decree showing he had visitation rights. I'm sure many cross into Canada with far less, even if they are married and have the same last name as their kid, but it did put some stress on me having to show the progression of my last name changing since the birth certificate, as well as the custody papers.

These documents are always required from parents travelling with their minor children alone regardless of name:
https://www.canada.ca/en/immigration-refugees-citizenship/services/visit-canada/minor-children-travelling-canada.html

These documents might not always be checked at the border but everyone should have them. Sharing a name with a minor doesn't mean you're the custodial parent or that you're even related to the child.

Yeah this justification is a headscratcher. My kid and I share the same surname, but border patrol is supposed to assume I'm the parent simply because we're two of the million Americans with that name? Doesn't make sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Partner and I are talking about marrying next year. The topic of surnames came up and he just assumed that I'm taking his. I said I'd rather keep mine and he said he didn't liked the idea and hit me with the "what name are the children gonna have?". I told him we can double-barrel as it seems to be working fine for latinos/spanish people to which he took offense. He said tht as a family unit we need to have a single last name, so I proposed that he takes mine and he was visibly very uncomfortable. We didn't finish talking about this, but I'm already feeling disappointed and wondering what other ideas he's got about gender. I'm not sure what to expect next.

100% think you are right to be questioning this marriage.

He doesn't respect you and your feelings.
He isn't open to compromise.
He isn't open to other cultural norms.
He makes assumptions based on his needs and his world view.

[Anonymous]

My son and I have a different last name. I have traveled with him (including out of the country) multiple times and have never had to show a birth certificate or any other doc that proves he’s my child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find this ridiculous, my mom kept her last name, as did I. My sons have my last name as a middle name and my husband's as a surname. My spouse and I have been married over 15 years, my parents have been married over 60 years.

I don't personally care if someone socially calls me Mrs. Husband's name, but I didn't want the legal hassle and I quite like my name. Literally never had issues.

It's your name, it's your day to day life.

This is what I and most of my friends did. It's becoming increasingly common.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say your kid has to go to the er..do they make you show a birth certificate or some other proof that you’re the legal guardian? Or crossing the border into Canada? Seems like it would be a lot easier for everyone if you had the same last name.

You are a fu4king idiot.