Please help me stop letting my mom get to me
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Anonymous
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This is going to be a bit long, so please stay with me if possible.
My mom gets upset if I let more than 2 days go without speaking to her. This past week has been crazy as we've been house hunting pretty much every day and getting affairs in order so that we could bid on a house (which we did Friday) Needless to say I've been exhausted and not much in the mood for long conversations about nothing in particular. But I still have picked up when she calls and have tried to have a conversation, but she gets mad when I'm not very talkative. Anyways... today she calls while I'm in the middle of trying to get some packing done while DS is napping. I had already received 2 texts and 1 email from her today, so I knew if I didn't pick up I'd likely get more texts asking if everything is ok because I'm ignoring her. So I pick up and she's talking about the weather, etc. Then she asks if I've heard from the house yet and I said the realtor called yesterday with some good news but didn't go into specifics (it was that the other bid was rejected but no word on ours yet) and we hadn't spoken to her yet. So she asks if we are looking at more houses and I say no because we want to wait and see with this one since it looks pretty good so far. Which causes her to go into me at length about how I should keep looking for houses, I don't need DH to go with me (even though I've said I need DH to go because he is much more critical than me and picks up on things that I never even notice), etc. So then she starts in on me about what I'm doing with DS (who is 20 months and I SAH with). I said well last week was kind of a wash because we carted him to and from different houses (in a state 45 min away) pretty much every day. Said today we were going to the park and tomorrow we will hit up the library and maybe go to the petting zoo later this week. I should mention that we just moved to this area from living abroad, and we know no one yet (we've been here about a month) and are currently staying at a friend's house who is overseas. So then she lays in on me how he needs to do more, how I'm not doing enough for him, how he needs to be around other kids, etc. EVERY TIME, I talk to her,she gets in on me about this, even though we do something every day. So she jokingly says that "just me nagging again" to which I respond "yup. And you say this every time we talk and it is really starting to make me feel like you think I'm a terrible mother". Instead of apologizing or even trying to say that that's not what she thinks, she starts yelling at me that talking to me is like pulling teeth, how I obviously don't care about her because I don't want to talk to her, that I'm miserable to be around, and just gets into a huff. I told her I was in the middle of packing when she called so wasn't exactly int he conversation mindset. She then just says well then forget it, I guess I'm not good enough for you to talk to. And hangs up This was about 30 min ago and I'm still stewing. This stuff happens ALL THE TIME. I've talked to her so many times about it. That I'm not much of a phone talker and will gladly email or text but talking on the phone during nap time is pretty much not going to happen as DS takes 1 nap and that is my only time during the day to get stuff done. She calls me a bitch for not being more open with her and that I hate her because I don't share eveyrhting that goes on in my life. I've tried to explain that I'm a private person and calling and discussing my day isn't really something I do with anyone. It's boring to me to hear me talk about my day! Anyways, I just can't move on rightnow. I feel like calling her and apologizing, but I'm just SO sick of her putting me through this all the time. It has to be at least once a week at this point. I've often times thought about cutting her out of my life, but she's actually a fantastic grandmother, and it would kill my dad, who is already sick. Maybe I just needed to vent. And to that I thank you guys. I'm starting therapy soon because I have a lot of issues caused by my mom and my therapist will definitely get her money's worth! |
Anonymous
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Sorry OP. She sounds, just from what you are saying, like she possibly has a personality disorder. Those are tough to deal with, because of course the person who has them thinks they are fine. Everyone else gets blamed for everything, etc.
Its a big red flag that she looks for opportunities to put you down about your child, then turns around and makes it all about HER in some way. Most therapists are not going to have great advice on what to do with a personality disorder, sorry to say. While its a "controversial" diagnosis and was recently removed from the DSMII (I think) most people understand that it still DESCRIBES a lot of people very well in terms of their behavior and responses to things (off base almost all the time). What makes her such a great grandmother, I have to ask? HOw is that actually possible? Unless she is putting on the Good Grandparent Act for her (possibly/probably) disordered reasons? |
Anonymous
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Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Stop telling your mom each detail of the house-buying process. Instead it goes like this. "We're moving to the Americas! I'll let you know when we buy a house." and "Mom, we've bought a house in Maryland! Here are the pictures of it. I'll let you know as soon as you can come visit!"
When she texts you, text her back "Hey, got your texts and email, can't chat now, love you, will call Wednesday night!" Keep it light and breezy. Vague is your best friend. Send emails showing your son playing in the sandbox with another kid or sharing a book with a toddler at the library. "Hey mom, Larlo and I made it to the park today - see the attached pics!" You are partially at fault - on one hand you are using your mom as a friend to tell little details to, but then getting angry at her for wanting more details. |
Anonymous
Op here. I agree she has some sort of personality disorder and has since I was a child. It took me until college however to realize that the way she acted wasn't normal, but by then, damage had been done and I think why I have a hard time standing up to her. It's weird. With DS she's so engaged, loving, kind, sweet, etc. I mean, I remember her being like that when I was a kid, but also remember being terrified to tell her I broke something. I think because she's not "responsible" for DS, she acts differently. I mean, she really is a fantastic grandmother to him. For awhile, she was putting me down to him "oh we can't find all your puzzle pieces because mommy is disorganized and she misplaces everything. How are you supposed to do your puzzle if mommy isn't putting things in the right place" (and yes, that is an exact quote because I wrote it down for my therapist) But DH has largely put the squash on any of that behavior because if she does it in his presence, he immediately intervenes and she apologizes. She mostly treats me like dirt whereas my brother is amazing and anyone who does the same thing as me gets a pass while I get shit for it. I am just exhausted and emotional (I'm 7 weeks pregnant but haven't told her yet because last time I had a miscarriage, she turned the miscarriage into more of her grief than mine and got mad at me for not being as emotional about it as she thought I should be). Lol don't get me started on even more crap haha |
Anonymous
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When I went to Al-Anon I started thinking of my mom as the alcoholic in the family (at the time the alcoholic was my dad) and every time I wanted her to be different I just kept reminding myself that she was incapable of changing. I also started setting boundaries with her. Not fighting or trying to convince her to be different, just not engaging on certain things.
It was hard for me to change. And my mom did get mad at me when I told her that I didn't want to hear how horrible my father was. But setting boundaries helped me find some relief and eventually my relationship with her got better. But I was the one who changed. She never did. Good luck, OP. This will be hard to do but you can do it! |
Anonymous
OP here. I tried that for about a year or so. It was worse than what I'm going through now because she would bitch about me to my dad and how I was breaking her heart by not being open with her and not wanting to talk to her, and then my dad would call me because he really had no choice but to and lay in the guilt trip on me while saying "I know I know, but please, just appease your mother" So I gave up on the vagueness part because it was worse than giving details. |
Anonymous
| I agree with setting boundaries. I have similar issues except that she doesn't call me and I have to call her. Honestly, I went to therapy and spent 2 years figuring out that it's not about me and I need to stop over sharing and looking for approval. She loves me in a super insence way and tries to control/protect me (and I'm over 30). Laying it all out for the therapist made it clear how unreasonable it all was. I got some techniques to deal with it. You have to come to terms that she will not change (not dramatically) so you just have to deal with how you react and your response and what you share. Good luck. It's way better for me but there are still comments that get to me, I just try really really hard not to dwell on it. |
Anonymous
| Cut her for a while....you will be so happy |
Anonymous
No. I do not accept your answer, OP. It just means you need to set boundaries with your father, too. "Sorry Dad, appeasing mom doesn't work for me. Here's what I can do: I'll call/Skype twice a week. You keep saying "this is just how Mom is." Well, this is just how *I* am. You just want me to do what Mom wants so she doesn't bitch about me to you. You have to set boundaries with her too. I'm sorry this puts you in an awkward position - that's definitely not my intention. But the only reason it puts you in an awkward position is because you're not setting boundaries with her." OP, you must be getting something out of all these talks with your mom if you refuse to stop them. Your dad is a grown man. He can totally wake up tomorrow morning and say to your mom "Barbara, stop bitching to me about Larla. She's a grown woman with her own family now, and she's busy. If you continue on with her this way, you'll push her away. And if you continue bitching to me about her, then you're pushing me away. I know you don't want to push all your loved ones away." |
Anonymous
OP here. I really do appreciate your advice. Unfortunately my dad is sick and will continue to deteriorate (there is no hope for a reversal) so there is a certain element of trying not to upset him as that can make his symptoms worse. It would be much easier if my dad was well, but unfortunately it is a fairly complicated scenario that isn't as easy as just standing up to them. |
Anonymous
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OP here.
Just wanted to thank you all for your advice. Its tough because its one of those situations that I'd be on DCUM for forever trying to explain. But you have all brought up some great things to discuss with my therapist, so thank you again. |
Anonymous
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Oh, good, you're in therapy.
So, is this therapist any good at helping you set boundaries? It's way past time that you didn't call so much, and when she starts nagging say, "Mom, I don't have time to listen to you nag at me right now, have a great day!" and hang up the phone and don't pick it up again for a few days. Keep hanging up if she starts in on you (Pretend you're your husband...if he can't stand you being treated like that, how can you?). Seriously, let her flip out, hold your ground, and show her that you mean it. She'll either adjust or she won't, and her behavior will be bad enough that you'll realize how bad she is and drop her more drastically. It sounds terrible, but you need to reclaim your own mental health. |
Anonymous
I'm the one who did not accept your answer (my word, am I ballsy!). Your dad dying puts a wrinkle in things. You should ask him what he wants. If he wants his last years to just be in peace, if you can do it while staying sane, then suck it up and give your mother everything she wants. If he's of that mindset of "You only have one life, now that I'm dying I see we should make that one life as happy as it can be; do what you need to do" then revisit my earlier post on boundaries and ask your new therapist for help on how to make them work when last time they didn't. I'm sorry about your dad. Maybe HE could come visit you, alone, once you're settled into your new house. 
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Anonymous
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Three things--one, you need to decide on a call frequency that works for you. If you can do twice a week, then tell your mother, "Mom, I want to keep in touch with you, but every day is too much for me. I can call you on Sunday night and Skype with you and the kids once during the week--does Wednesday afternoon work for you?'' (or whatever). She'll bitch and moan, and you just say, "I hear that you want to talk more often, but that just isn't going to work for me. Do those two days sound good?" Then when she texts or emails, you just say, "Busy with the kids now--talk to you on Sunday!"
Two, stop offering so many details. Tell her what you're comfortable telling her. And don't argue with her about your choices. Say, "I hear you, but this is what DH and I have decided on." Or, "Okay, we'll think about that." Three, end the conversation when she calls you names or otherwise behaves inappropriately. "Mom, it's not okay for you to call me a bitch, and I'm not going to listen to you call me names. We'll talk again on Sunday, and I hope you're in a better mood then. Bye!" Then hang up. |
Anonymous
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