Please help me stop letting my mom get to me

[Anonymous]

Look, OP, I have sympathy for your father's illness and the situation, but that is NOT an excuse to sacrifice your mental well-being.

Your father presumably chose to marry your mother, you did not choose to be her daughter. If she complains to him and it upsets him, it's a natural consequence of him marrying someone who complains and/or has a personality disorder.

I agree 100% that you need to set boundaries with her. Your dad is not your responsibility. YOU and YOUR CHILD are your primary responsibility.

I'm obviously not saying you don't love your dad, but you are allowing your mother to manipulate you through him and it has to stop. If she hastens his death, there's no one to blame but her. You can't control another person, so stop kowtowing to her craziness and set those boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP, I could have written your post. My mom is like this too. I was able to cut back our calls to once a week because I started to find that talking to her was causing me a lot of stress. I hardly come away from a conversation with her feeling good about life. She and my father are retired, they do nothing, have no interests, find every excuse not to travel based on what's going on in the news, they do not participate in any volunteer activities or charities.... talking with her has become a bore because if it isn't about what my DC needs or should be doing or what I should be doing as his parent, it's about the news or her wonderful special furniture. We literally have nothing to talk about. I can't imagine what the future will be if she doesn't take on some other purpose than being a grandmother.

I'd recommend you cut down on the length of your calls with her as well. The best thing that happened with a recent call with my mother was that the phone didn't have enough power to begin with a died about 10 minutes later when the conversation started to become too much for me. Give yourself a limit and remind yourself of all the other things YOU need to do and WANT to do. Awful conversations can take up waaaay too much time in one's life.

[Anonymous]

OP: I have a mother with BPD. I am 53 and finally blocked her from phone and email. It took about 3 weeks to stop feeling guilty. It has been over a year and the quality of my life is significantly improved. She mind f&vks people. Not me anymore!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Stop telling your mom each detail of the house-buying process. Instead it goes like this. "We're moving to the Americas! I'll let you know when we buy a house." and "Mom, we've bought a house in Maryland! Here are the pictures of it. I'll let you know as soon as you can come visit!"

When she texts you, text her back "Hey, got your texts and email, can't chat now, love you, will call Wednesday night!" Keep it light and breezy. Vague is your best friend. Send emails showing your son playing in the sandbox with another kid or sharing a book with a toddler at the library. "Hey mom, Larlo and I made it to the park today - see the attached pics!"

You are partially at fault - on one hand you are using your mom as a friend to tell little details to, but then getting angry at her for wanting more details.

Agreed 100 percent. OP, my mother is very much like yours. It is absolutely okay for you to not share every detail with her. You are allowed to not always answer the phone. Decide what you're willing to share and get comment on and keep the rest to yourself. It took me therapy to set boundaries with my mother and we still butt heads but I know now that much of this is her issues, not me being mean or unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. She sounds, just from what you are saying, like she possibly has a personality disorder. Those are tough to deal with, because of course the person who has them thinks they are fine. Everyone else gets blamed for everything, etc.

Its a big red flag that she looks for opportunities to put you down about your child, then turns around and makes it all about HER in some way.

Most therapists are not going to have great advice on what to do with a personality disorder, sorry to say. While its a "controversial" diagnosis and was recently removed from the DSMII (I think) most people understand that it still DESCRIBES a lot of people very well in terms of their behavior and responses to things (off base almost all the time).

What makes her such a great grandmother, I have to ask? HOw is that actually possible? Unless she is putting on the Good Grandparent Act for her (possibly/probably) disordered reasons?

Op here. I agree she has some sort of personality disorder and has since I was a child. It took me until college however to realize that the way she acted wasn't normal, but by then, damage had been done and I think why I have a hard time standing up to her.

It's weird. With DS she's so engaged, loving, kind, sweet, etc. I mean, I remember her being like that when I was a kid, but also remember being terrified to tell her I broke something. I think because she's not "responsible" for DS, she acts differently. I mean, she really is a fantastic grandmother to him. For awhile, she was putting me down to him "oh we can't find all your puzzle pieces because mommy is disorganized and she misplaces everything. How are you supposed to do your puzzle if mommy isn't putting things in the right place" (and yes, that is an exact quote because I wrote it down for my therapist) But DH has largely put the squash on any of that behavior because if she does it in his presence, he immediately intervenes and she apologizes. She mostly treats me like dirt whereas my brother is amazing and anyone who does the same thing as me gets a pass while I get shit for it.

I am just exhausted and emotional (I'm 7 weeks pregnant but haven't told her yet because last time I had a miscarriage, she turned the miscarriage into more of her grief than mine and got mad at me for not being as emotional about it as she thought I should be). Lol don't get me started on even more crap haha

Im the one who posted about personality disorder. This all really does fit the profile, if you will, of personality disorder.

Sounds too like men get her approval and she desperately wants their approval. And she fawns over your son. This sounds so toxic, OP, so sorry.

My father married one of these types after my mom died. A real narcissist, but she comes across all nicey nice to others under her "control".

The puzzle piece thing was very believable and unbelievable at the same time. Very creepy.

I would encourage you to go to the forum online for people dealing with narcissists and similar.You will feel alot less alone. Im glad to hear you have a supportive spouse who can SEE what is going on. Thank GOD. I dont have the precise link, but start here and click around http://samvak.tripod.com/journal79.html

Although setting boundaries will not work in terms of changing her behavior, you need to do it anyway. But, based on my experience dealing with that woman my dad married, you want to put your own stress level into front of center because you are pregnant (best wishes and congrats, btw!!!). I would recommend not drawing, at this time, ANY attention to the fact that you are setting these boundaries, but do it anyway. As a previous poster suggested limit calls, and set forth what is going to happen in what you say as best as you can. Save the big moment when you tell her to literally back the f off when your child is born.

DO NOT TELL HER YOU ARE PREGNANT. Just dont do it. She will be a nightmare just as you already know.

Op there is the real possibility that you will need to really cut her out of your life because the damage she can do to your kids is real, as you know. This being nice to your son thing is classic manipulative behavior to gain his loyalty and turn him against you in insidious ways. She aint subtle about it, actually. She already began with the puzzle piece incident, which sounds like satire, but I know is not.

But little steps for now is best for you. Limit contact, but dont say you are. Set internal boundaries as well as external ones but dont say you are. I call this the Easy Breezy: keep conversation superficial. Dont tell her about any personal issues you have. Tell her everything is fine. Keep it all Easy Breezy. This is a 'for now" approach only because you are pregnant and it will reduce YOUR stress.

Do not hold her accountable for anything, narcissists hate that, and you will be punished as you already know. Save that, again, for later. Its not the time.

Limit her contact with your child and try to make it only when your husband is around. Talk to him in detail about your plans to make this covert operation a success. I think you need to essentially go underground with this- make this between you and your husband ONLY. Dont talk to anyone else, not your brother not anyone, about the changes you are making and why.

Please dont let this person ruin your life. Its not acceptable. I know a guy whose mom was a narcissist. His psychiatrist dad left him with her when he was a child. He ended up becoming a therapist too, but he is really not at all ok. You sound like you know what is happening and are making steps to repair yourself. You can succeed at that- you really can. With the help of your husband I think you stand a good chance of really living a life on your terms, but you will need to face removing your mother from the equation.

You got dealt a bad hand in the parent department with her. That is what happened. Its not fair or right, but this is the truth. Reclaim your life. Its YOURS not HERS. Protect whats yours for your sake and the sake of your children.

Big Hug! And congratulations again on your pregnancy- wishing for a great outcome!

[Anonymous]

Keep the calls short and cut back the frequency. Text her briefly on days you don't talk on the phone. Cut her short when she criticizes your parenting. Tell her she had her chance and now it's your turn to parent your way, and if she wants to hear the details of Junior's day then she has to "stop 'nagging,' to use your own term." If she's making you feel bad on the phone, cut the call short and hang up. In calmer moments, tell her that you are just not as "phone social" as she is and that's just the way you are. When she criticizes that she's not accepting who you are as a person.

It's annoying that she's basically annoyed you aren't someone who wants to be on the phone all the time regurgitating the nitty gritty.

How often does she talk to your brother? Is she all up in the details of his daily life as well?

[Anonymous]

My mom is a lot like yours. You've received a ton of great advice. Here are some of my practical tips that I hope work for you:
told her my data plan doesn't allow for all the texting = no more texting w/ her (must save for DH, bro, etc.).
We skype most of the time, and I only have that on my laptop so it's in the evening around dinner. Lets her see my kids, cuts off a lot of the conversation with her, and, b/c it's quasi public (sometimes DH is around), limits the amount of bashing she can do. She can tell when skype is on, or we arrange it via email, so there is little surprise about it, and for me, the times she's 'allowed' to skype are defined.
I email photos every day. I take a photo at the park, email. This makes her feel connected and me feel in control and doesn't allow her to communicate with me.
I try not to talk to her on the phone - we skype later. "See how we're at the park? Must watch kids." I often don't pick up but then email her a photo (she gets the time stamp bit) so she can see a teary face or kids in a swimming pool.
And, don't know if this would be helpful: I have a defined time I talk with my dad, only, weekly. That helps me keep my relationship with him and, since it's not as often as w her.

[Anonymous]

My mom is similar and all this advice is great. However I am still in the "why" stage. Why does she choose to act like this? It tears me up. I know she won't change but I wonder why she doesn't want to change. I can't imagine treating someone like this, yet I treat her poorly when we are arguing because she is mean and bitchy. Sometimes I think she has some disorder but then when it comes down to it I really think she is just mean. I try to think have empathy, she may have a disorder of some kind, but nothing fits other than her just choosing to be rude and mean. I can set boundaries and make good choices myself but I'm stuck on the why...why would she choose to be this kind of person. Doesn't she want a better relationship with me? A kind loving relationship?

[Anonymous]

PP who is asking "Why", just stop doing that to yourself. The only reason Why is because she can't do better, or do differently. You want to know Why because then you can fix the "why", but you already know you can't fix it. You just have to settle for "Because she is".

OP- I know you can't be my sister because she doesn't have kids (and she's the favored one), but we have very similar moms. I agree with sending short texts and photos where possible to put off talking with her. When you do talk to her, keep it superficial. But feel free to go on and on with the superficial (Tell her ALL ABOUT the playground equipment at the new park, or the novel you're reading, or your adventures in finding packing tape at the new to you store). My mom pretends we're so close because I'll "share" things with her, but only things that I don't care about.

Also, OP, to the extent you can, if you're going to talk to her, try your best not to care about her opinion. No matter what you do with your son, she's going to make comments implying you're a bad mom. But you know that's a load of bull, and that she's a crappy mom but you're too polite to say it. So just respond with whatever words will move you on, but don't take it to heart. To the extent you can stop wanting her approval, and find approval from someone who is nice and you can actually trust, it'll be much easier to deal with her.