Wife refusing to pitch in with help with aging mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I saw your update and I’m glad your wife was able to help your dad find a solution.

I do think it’s telling that your dad had vacation time that he could use as well FMLA and you were hung up on forcing your wife to accept the most unreasonable solution of all. Your title says your wife doesn’t want to pitch in, but you neglected to mention she was willing to go help on weekends. She was just unwilling to make a daily 2hour drive after work, when you have young kids at home. That’s completely reasonable.

I think you need to be very aware that when it comes to your family, you are not objective. You were willing to throw your wife under the bus and assign the worst motives to her objections. Be very careful going forward. Your wife is on your side but you’re going to destroy your relationship if you keep doubting her and painting her as the villain. Maybe she won’t divorce you right away, but your marriage will be over.

I agree. OP's plan was completely unsustainable, which many people pointed out. And his dad had vacation time and FMLA? And no one had through to look into Medicaid or other benefits?

In the meantime, the wife WAS willing to "pitch in," just not by requiring her kids to spend 11+ hours a day with the nanny and spending $10K/year extra so OP could spend 30 minutes with his mom a few times a week, which was clearly inadequate to the situation. OP framed it entirely in terms of his wife's resentment, when she might just have been practical. And was completely willing to accept his sister's choice, but was upset about his wife's perfectly justifiable objections. This is a terrible dynamic. She wasn't "refusing to pitch in," she just didn't want to do it this one way.

And so many people jumped on the wife as some kind of heartless money-grubbing villain, when apparently his wife is pretty level-headed and he and his dad and his sister were just being short-sighted and not considering all the options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:STOP saying the sister is in the dark!

Here is what OP wrote:

My wife and I decided it was best to just keep my sister out of the decision making process and tell her what happened. She can volunteer what she is willing to do but I don’t think we can rely on her in the long term.

Sounds like the sister is being informed but not making decisions--burden of decision-making is correctly on the Dad.

O.k. on Tuesday your sister was very much a part of the decision making process but now that your wife has stepped in to help suddenly your sister is cut off from the whole process. Are you going to at least tell her that you are handling matters with your wife now or is she just supposed to guess that?

This is the stuff that is so baffling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:STOP saying the sister is in the dark!

Here is what OP wrote:

My wife and I decided it was best to just keep my sister out of the decision making process and tell her what happened. She can volunteer what she is willing to do but I don’t think we can rely on her in the long term.

Sounds like the sister is being informed but not making decisions--burden of decision-making is correctly on the Dad.

O.k. on Tuesday your sister was very much a part of the decision making process but now that your wife has stepped in to help suddenly your sister is cut off from the whole process. Are you going to at least tell her that you are handling matters with your wife now or is she just supposed to guess that?

This is the stuff that is so baffling.

OP's dad decided to take a leave of absence from work and look into nursing homes. This is the correct decision and makes things easier in the long run for everyone. Unless you think every family decision should be made on a conference call, and his dad shouldn't have decided to do this without consulting his daughter, I'm not sure how you've made this a wife vs. SIL problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I saw your update and I’m glad your wife was able to help your dad find a solution.

I do think it’s telling that your dad had vacation time that he could use as well FMLA and you were hung up on forcing your wife to accept the most unreasonable solution of all. Your title says your wife doesn’t want to pitch in, but you neglected to mention she was willing to go help on weekends. She was just unwilling to make a daily 2hour drive after work, when you have young kids at home. That’s completely reasonable.

I think you need to be very aware that when it comes to your family, you are not objective. You were willing to throw your wife under the bus and assign the worst motives to her objections. Be very careful going forward. Your wife is on your side but you’re going to destroy your relationship if you keep doubting her and painting her as the villain. Maybe she won’t divorce you right away, but your marriage will be over.

This. I hope what transpired in this situation is not reflective of how you generally treat your wife, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t find OP to be a very sympathetic actor in this.

No, he's not. I might be consulting a divorce attorney if I were his wife.

Yeah, I get that these situations are stressful, but the way he completely ignored her concerns and was trying to paint his wife as being jealous or just wanting to get back at his sister was very off putting.

His wife was the only voice of reason in the room and she got attacked for it. In the end it was OP’s wife who came through for his dad in helping find a real solution. The way OP tried to blame his wife and assign ill intent is shamed. This level of taking out your stress on your spouse is unacceptable and borderline abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP, I saw your update and I’m glad your wife was able to help your dad find a solution.

I do think it’s telling that your dad had vacation time that he could use as well FMLA and you were hung up on forcing your wife to accept the most unreasonable solution of all. Your title says your wife doesn’t want to pitch in, but you neglected to mention she was willing to go help on weekends. She was just unwilling to make a daily 2hour drive after work, when you have young kids at home. That’s completely reasonable.

I think you need to be very aware that when it comes to your family, you are not objective. You were willing to throw your wife under the bus and assign the worst motives to her objections. Be very careful going forward. Your wife is on your side but you’re going to destroy your relationship if you keep doubting her and painting her as the villain. Maybe she won’t divorce you right away, but your marriage will be over.

I agree. OP's plan was completely unsustainable, which many people pointed out. And his dad had vacation time and FMLA? And no one had through to look into Medicaid or other benefits?

In the meantime, the wife WAS willing to "pitch in," just not by requiring her kids to spend 11+ hours a day with the nanny and spending $10K/year extra so OP could spend 30 minutes with his mom a few times a week, which was clearly inadequate to the situation. OP framed it entirely in terms of his wife's resentment, when she might just have been practical. And was completely willing to accept his sister's choice, but was upset about his wife's perfectly justifiable objections. This is a terrible dynamic. She wasn't "refusing to pitch in," she just didn't want to do it this one way.

And so many people jumped on the wife as some kind of heartless money-grubbing villain, when apparently his wife is pretty level-headed and he and his dad and his sister were just being short-sighted and not considering all the options.

All of this drama is so unnecessary. If Op's wife had just said "Honey, maybe you should have Dad apply for Medicaid..." then this whole thread could have been avoided. FWIW, most people do not have experience dealing with the care of a relatively young spouse with dementia. Of course they need help with these things. Duh.

[Anonymous]

Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:STOP saying the sister is in the dark!

Here is what OP wrote:

My wife and I decided it was best to just keep my sister out of the decision making process and tell her what happened. She can volunteer what she is willing to do but I don’t think we can rely on her in the long term.

Sounds like the sister is being informed but not making decisions--burden of decision-making is correctly on the Dad.

O.k. on Tuesday your sister was very much a part of the decision making process but now that your wife has stepped in to help suddenly your sister is cut off from the whole process. Are you going to at least tell her that you are handling matters with your wife now or is she just supposed to guess that?

This is the stuff that is so baffling.

OP's dad decided to take a leave of absence from work and look into nursing homes. This is the correct decision and makes things easier in the long run for everyone. Unless you think every family decision should be made on a conference call, and his dad shouldn't have decided to do this without consulting his daughter, I'm not sure how you've made this a wife vs. SIL problem.

To phrase this as "keep my sister out of the decision making process" was just plain unnecessary. If all dad has to do is apply for medicaid, take leave and tour nursing homes why not tell sister that? What is the grand decision making process that the sister needs to be kept out of?

Just be nice to your sister, Op. Your mom clearly thinks the world of her and would be so sad to hear her kids being so dismissive towards one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

I would be concerned about both MIL and FIL. Early onset Alzheimer's is so unfair. Both of Op's parents are young to be dealing with this. I'm sure that they had plans for a nice retirement together and now this nightmare...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

Everyone has a different relationship with their MIL. I have been with my husband for over 12 years, we see her a few times a year (sometimes less), and let's just say it took her quite a few years to start being nice to me. We are civil and friendly now, but distant - we text for birthdays and Mother's Day and that's about it. I wouldn't want her to be in any kind of trouble but I also wouldn't extend myself to take care of her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

That is what the wife eventually did. Found the best solution. Just remember, you are not always the best solution, though you would probably hate to know that.

[Anonymous]

This thread has only existed for about 24.5 hours, yet somehow the wife is the lowest of the low until she “finally” decided to help with ideas in what to do. Meaning, some of you hags must be miserable people who so easily jump on someone before giving a person time to think.

The husband, in my opinion, is the absolute worst who threw his wife under the bus because of healthy boundaries and not wanting to destroy their own lives for an untenable “solution.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread has only existed for about 24.5 hours, yet somehow the wife is the lowest of the low until she “finally” decided to help with ideas in what to do. Meaning, some of you hags must be miserable people who so easily jump on someone before giving a person time to think.

The husband, in my opinion, is the absolute worst who threw his wife under the bus because of healthy boundaries and not wanting to destroy their own lives for an untenable “solution.”

Agreed. Looking at OP's responses, his family is a complete disaster and his wife is often thrown in the middle of their crap, on top of being a WOHM of two little kids. I'd be initially pissed too - I have enough on my plate, what do they need from us this time?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outlier. I would do anything necessary to take care of my MIL. It wouldn’t matter what others are doing. It’s not about that. It’s about her. It would be about keeping my MIL safe and comfortable.

Everyone has a different relationship with their MIL. I have been with my husband for over 12 years, we see her a few times a year (sometimes less), and let's just say it took her quite a few years to start being nice to me. We are civil and friendly now, but distant - we text for birthdays and Mother's Day and that's about it. I wouldn't want her to be in any kind of trouble but I also wouldn't extend myself to take care of her.

MIL has two great kids who work well together and I think they have things squared away. I am not a decision maker but I would help her in her own home if she needed it.

I do not want an elderly relative moving in with us simply because I don't think that I could handle a home care situation in my home. If dh got sick, yes. But I'm not up for moving people into our house in order to care for them. The older I get, the more firm I become on that - nothing personal, I just know my own limits.

[Anonymous]

What a clarion call this thread is -- plan your demise, people! And don't leave it to the responsibility of your adult children!

I cannot imagine leaving this mess to my kids to deal with if and when I am older and severely incapacitated. It is imperative to plan for these things now when you are young, to save and make a plan and not bury your head in the sand.

So many mistakes led to this point - make them a lesson learned and not repeated.