Sister says 14yo nephew not coming to my wedding because of his sports tournament. Thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am family first and lean towoards OP, but the anti-sports rhetoric here has tainted the credibility of this thread.

Sports is a lightning rod and I get that, but this thread, IMO, could be about ANY extracurricular activity. There are parents and kids who become obsessed in whatever activity. It could be sports, debate, orchestra, paegants, drama, science clubs, etc.

Many of you are expressing a disdain for sports generally (because that is how the OP framed it). Fine, but would your thoughts be different if the activity was something you approved of? I guess my point is that by making this about sports specifically and not about extracurriculars generally, your answers will be more extreme and knee jerk.

You haven't read the whoe thread. This was brought up many times and many people said they would miss their extra curriculars. But this was about a sporting event and most of US is sports-obsessed so it sticks to mainly this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents obsessed with their kids sports mostly ones who never played competitive sports themselves as children? This is a pattern I've observed and I'm sure there's some psychology to it.

I find most parents think their kids are going to scholarship or see D1 sports. Bragging rights. But many have been into sports and never made it as far. It is a generation of parents who think more pushing and structure will make these kids perfect. They spend every weekend, much of their extra money and a lot of gas on this dream. Kids just aren't kids anymore. They are robots and programmed this way as the only way from a very young age. If they have any free time, they are bored and no one else to hang out with anyway. They are all on their parent's program schedule. What our neighborhood friends used to be are our kid's sport team friends. It is no longer memories of jailbreak, stickball and hanging out all weekend de-stressing and becoming their own person. Learning street smarts, common sense, etc... It is a week of school structure, increased homework and lots of practices to weekends of scheduled tournaments in towns 2-3hrs from your house. Waking up at 5am. Coming home at 7pm. Showering and bed and do it all again the next day. Then Monday up again for school. Kids are actually used to this and since these are the kids they must be around, they tend to be their closest friends and have zero thought that they do anything on their own. It doesn't occur to them their life was so structured. It is very strange.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents obsessed with their kids sports mostly ones who never played competitive sports themselves as children? This is a pattern I've observed and I'm sure there's some psychology to it.

I find most parents think their kids are going to scholarship or see D1 sports. Bragging rights. But many have been into sports and never made it as far. It is a generation of parents who think more pushing and structure will make these kids perfect. They spend every weekend, much of their extra money and a lot of gas on this dream. Kids just aren't kids anymore. They are robots and programmed this way as the only way from a very young age. If they have any free time, they are bored and no one else to hang out with anyway. They are all on their parent's program schedule. What our neighborhood friends used to be are our kid's sport team friends. It is no longer memories of jailbreak, stickball and hanging out all weekend de-stressing and becoming their own person. Learning street smarts, common sense, etc... It is a week of school structure, increased homework and lots of practices to weekends of scheduled tournaments in towns 2-3hrs from your house. Waking up at 5am. Coming home at 7pm. Showering and bed and do it all again the next day. Then Monday up again for school. Kids are actually used to this and since these are the kids they must be around, they tend to be their closest friends and have zero thought that they do anything on their own. It doesn't occur to them their life was so structured. It is very strange.

Preparing them for life in the cubicle.

[Anonymous]

I think it'd be ridiculous to miss for a mathlete competition or a dance or band recital. To me it doesn't matter if it's sports or not. It matters is this the Olympics (or for a kid, the state finals) and then apply that to the equivalent of the other activities. So for OP's nephew, it'd be like he made the violin section of the school orchestra and over the year he has lots of performances and recitals and the first one (maybe it's a pre-school year county-wide jamboree) happens to fall on the wedding. Assuming really similar issues. Coach = orchestra leader or whatever you call it. And so on.

All the same to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Having read OP's sanctimonious passive aggressive update, I'm now on Team Sister, though I wasn't before. Holy cow.

+100

Ok, though I've been on team "nephew", I also thought the earlier posts by the OP were sensible. Given this when I read the "smack me upside the head" comment I assumed she meant that the smack was deserved because her older, more experienced self would realize how unaware her 40 year old self had been about the complications and grey areas that come with child-rearing. I hope I'm correct?

I am the post who wrote the 'holy cow' post above and no, I don't think that's at all what she meant, which is why I'm on Team Sister now. I thought that her update started over-the-top dramatic and bridezilla in tone to begin with, which surprised me because I hadn't gotten that vibe earlier (but now I'm wondering if I was wrong and my new fellow Team Sister folks are just better at spotting bridezillas in the wild than me). Then the whole "smack me upside the head" business with her mother, wtf? She's going around talking shit about how awful her sister is to her mom and then brags and jokes about that? What? Team Sister all the way now.

And generally speaking, I'd make my kid go to a family wedding except if it was like the World Cup tryouts or playing Carnegie Hall or something and I was on Team OP, but now I wonder if there's a lot more going on than what OP said, because, like I said, that update? Was a piece. of. work.

I'll retract and go back to Team OP if it turns out OP meant what you said. But I don't think she did.

np here. I think you reeeeeally misunderstood the update.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am family first and lean towoards OP, but the anti-sports rhetoric here has tainted the credibility of this thread.

Sports is a lightning rod and I get that, but this thread, IMO, could be about ANY extracurricular activity. There are parents and kids who become obsessed in whatever activity. It could be sports, debate, orchestra, paegants, drama, science clubs, etc.

Many of you are expressing a disdain for sports generally (because that is how the OP framed it). Fine, but would your thoughts be different if the activity was something you approved of? I guess my point is that by making this about sports specifically and not about extracurriculars generally, your answers will be more extreme and knee jerk.

You haven't read the whoe thread. This was brought up many times and many people said they would miss their extra curriculars. But this was about a sporting event and most of US is sports-obsessed so it sticks to mainly this issue.

Actually I HAVE read the whole thread and posted a few times. All I am saying is that the anti-sports rhetoric (read the few post above mine) obscures the REAL issue.

[Anonymous]

I agree it obscures things a bit. But if it was dance or cheerleading or something else, I'm sure it'd be the same, just with less people chiming in because they are less participated in activities. But I have to believe they have lots of the same pressure and costs and issues that are being raised here.

Hey it could be the Dungeons and Dragons team for all I care. Same stuff. Same opinion. Go to the family event.

[Anonymous]

so the issues are:
--preexisting commitments and when to break them
--how important are extracurriculars to a teenager's life, vs importance of family connections
--importance of unique events to a family's connections

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:so the issues are:
--preexisting commitments and when to break them
--how important are extracurriculars to a teenager's life, vs importance of family connections
--importance of unique events to a family's connections

PP here. I think this is a good synopsis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. And by "career" you mean high school and a small percent chance of college and the tiniest fraction of a percent beyond that. I think that is where the problem is. Parents push these kids into this competitive dilusion of stardom. Thousands of dollars, picking the right coach, one on one lessons, getting on the elite team, making varsity at freshman. Shipping off to camps and showcases. Most kids are a dime a dozen and no amount of fine tuning will ever get you the stardom. You either have it or you don't. But parents truly feel this tension of "what if I didn't do enough?" And I bet her sister projects this anxiety back onto her son too. Those both feel it is a make/break moment in his "career" and that is the truly sad part. Kids these days no longer have fun. They are prepped from the age of 2. Lives scheduled meticulously and this false hope of stardom. Coaches are high stress because the parents want the best and in their eyes the more the better. Push, push, push.

I've seen a lot of comments like this, claiming that there are a significant number of sports parents who are delusional idiots who think their kids are stars and will get D1 scholarships. I think this is a myth. I have a lot of experience with travel soccer, and don't think I've met more than one or two parents who are confused about their kids' abilities by the time the kid hits high school. You may disagree with the amount of playing time your kid gets vis a vis other kids at the margin, but it becomes obvious through the years which kids are elite at their sport and which ones are not.

And here's the thing that posters like you seem to completely miss: a kid can feel incredibly passionate about a sport even if there is no chance she will play it in college. For many of them, there continues to be joy in playing and improving even if they are on a second or third tier club team. Lots of kids like this have playing in high school as their ultimate sports ambition. This is the case for one of my kids, who loves playing just as much as my more gifted son, and has devoted nearly as much time to it as his brother. We have supported them equally, because we love how much pleasure and learning they've gotten from their soccer experience, not to mention the great friends they and we have made along the way. There is no doubt in my mind that both of them will be playing soccer at one level or another for the rest of their lives. So it's all good, and it's all done for good motives. Just a sad reality that the less gifted kid is subject to the whims of a not very good high school coach in a way that his brother will never be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
so the issues are:
--preexisting commitments and when to break them
--how important are extracurriculars to a teenager's life, vs importance of family connections
--importance of unique events to a family's connections


PP here. I think this is a good synopsis.

You will have to add in how involved the OP is in the kids life. Does her make every birthday? Are they close? Or is this just an "important family event" because it's about her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are the parents obsessed with their kids sports mostly ones who never played competitive sports themselves as children? This is a pattern I've observed and I'm sure there's some psychology to it.

I find most parents think their kids are going to scholarship or see D1 sports. Bragging rights. But many have been into sports and never made it as far. It is a generation of parents who think more pushing and structure will make these kids perfect. They spend every weekend, much of their extra money and a lot of gas on this dream. Kids just aren't kids anymore. They are robots and programmed this way as the only way from a very young age. If they have any free time, they are bored and no one else to hang out with anyway. They are all on their parent's program schedule. What our neighborhood friends used to be are our kid's sport team friends. It is no longer memories of jailbreak, stickball and hanging out all weekend de-stressing and becoming their own person. Learning street smarts, common sense, etc... It is a week of school structure, increased homework and lots of practices to weekends of scheduled tournaments in towns 2-3hrs from your house. Waking up at 5am. Coming home at 7pm. Showering and bed and do it all again the next day. Then Monday up again for school. Kids are actually used to this and since these are the kids they must be around, they tend to be their closest friends and have zero thought that they do anything on their own. It doesn't occur to them their life was so structured. It is very strange.

Preparing them for life in the cubicle.

Exactly!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:so the issues are:
--preexisting commitments and when to break them
--how important are extracurriculars to a teenager's life, vs importance of family connections
--importance of unique events to a family's connections

PP here. I think this is a good synopsis.

This is how my mind works on this too. Generally. There could be kid-specific thing and family-specific things that are sub areas.

[Anonymous]

I don't think I'd let my kids miss my sister's wedding for anything. I can't believe all the people who would send their kids to a sports tournament.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I agree. And by "career" you mean high school and a small percent chance of college and the tiniest fraction of a percent beyond that. I think that is where the problem is. Parents push these kids into this competitive dilusion of stardom. Thousands of dollars, picking the right coach, one on one lessons, getting on the elite team, making varsity at freshman. Shipping off to camps and showcases. Most kids are a dime a dozen and no amount of fine tuning will ever get you the stardom. You either have it or you don't. But parents truly feel this tension of "what if I didn't do enough?" And I bet her sister projects this anxiety back onto her son too. Those both feel it is a make/break moment in his "career" and that is the truly sad part. Kids these days no longer have fun. They are prepped from the age of 2. Lives scheduled meticulously and this false hope of stardom. Coaches are high stress because the parents want the best and in their eyes the more the better. Push, push, push.

I've seen a lot of comments like this, claiming that there are a significant number of sports parents who are delusional idiots who think their kids are stars and will get D1 scholarships. I think this is a myth. I have a lot of experience with travel soccer, and don't think I've met more than one or two parents who are confused about their kids' abilities by the time the kid hits high school. You may disagree with the amount of playing time your kid gets vis a vis other kids at the margin, but it becomes obvious through the years which kids are elite at their sport and which ones are not.

And here's the thing that posters like you seem to completely miss: a kid can feel incredibly passionate about a sport even if there is no chance she will play it in college. For many of them, there continues to be joy in playing and improving even if they are on a second or third tier club team. Lots of kids like this have playing in high school as their ultimate sports ambition. This is the case for one of my kids, who loves playing just as much as my more gifted son, and has devoted nearly as much time to it as his brother. We have supported them equally, because we love how much pleasure and learning they've gotten from their soccer experience, not to mention the great friends they and we have made along the way. There is no doubt in my mind that both of them will be playing soccer at one level or another for the rest of their lives. So it's all good, and it's all done for good motives. Just a sad reality that the less gifted kid is subject to the whims of a not very good high school coach in a way that his brother will never be.

Um, wow. So they spend all their time playing soccer. One because he is good. Another because he wants to catch up to good brother. The reason you all have "such great" friends from the sport is because that is all you and your kids see. And you are already pitying the not so good one and his possible sub par performance and coach? Sheesh.