Bullying at NCS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"women are still raw from their own "relational aggression" experiences"

you clearly do not understand the school from all sides. it's not tons of people being bullied. it's just the culture; it took me a REALLY long time to even notice it because, like a lot of others, i grew up with it as a lifer.
It is unfair and really, really untrue to say that every person who doesn't like NCS is just bitter. Are you serious?

I'm not the Pp you're responding to. Clearly you are also 2:57. How many times have posted on this thread, exactly? 30? 50 times?

This is the problem. We heard you the first few dozen times. Now you're contributing to the sense that there are 2-3 rabid posters, with a few bored teenagers (yes, I can totally see this happening) thrown in. The way this thread gets bumped up once a week is also suspect. My DD said "no" to her NCS acceptance, but this outsider perspective is something you 2-3 haters should consider. From an outsider's perspective, you alums from the 1990s need to move: all this hate is bad for you and your behavior here is lowering your credibility.

[Anonymous]

Parents say that the problem at NCS is that the administration just doesn't care about the emotional well being of the students. The head is completely disengaged from the life of the school. The culture of the place is cold and competitive. If a girl has any issues, the administration's view is that she can't cut it and the other girls see any weakness as an opportunity to have one less girl to compete against. My daughter was a top student and hated being surrounded by girls who just wanted to check off the right boxes to get into the right college. She hated the fact that love of learning fell by the wayside. She hated the way girls could treat others so badly without anyone stepping in, standing up for a girl who is being victimized. (Fellow students and administrators). They give you the idea that this is somehow THE BEST school but there are so many others that engage and challenge girls, and teach them to care for each other. Stay away.

[Anonymous]

Wow, strong feelings on all sides. I think that speaks to how raw women still are from our own "relational aggression" experiences. I have 2 girls currently at NCS. Between them, they have experienced lower, middle and upper school. I have appreciated the school's proactive approach to all types of bullying, meaness, etc. and when a problem came up for one daughter she was supported and all moved on quickly. They love their school and do not want leave. If concerned, I suggest direct conversations with current parents in the grade. Each class truly is unique, through it can change at big entry grades. No school is perfect, but we are having a great experience, amazing teachers, and (just our experience) kind, supportive friends. Both of my girls were bullied at their prior co-ed schools, so I have been watching carefully. I think, because they have had this reputation, they are better than most schools about taking it seriously and responding quickly and keeping the conversation on-going with the students themselves.

We've had similar experience as the PP. I think the school does a good job within their level of control. I've been impressed over the years when conferences started with questions about DD's happiness, stress level, and friendships - the focus was not on grades/academics. The school understands girls (and their parents) tendencies toward self-induced pressure, their desire to succeed, and the fact that they won't always behave nicely to one another. I agree with the PP that open conversation with other parents and the school is the right step in managing through it. I also think keeping your DDs busy outside of school helps. Both of my DDs experienced cliquey behavior at their previous schools and learned how to distance themselves from "friends" who dabbled in mean-girl/bullying behavior. No school can eradicate mean girl behavior. NCS does a great job in teaching them how to study, write, and be organized by handing out grades that guide them toward the desired behavior. IMO NCS attempts to guide them towards positive peer relations as well but they can't read their online messages or arrange playdates after school and hand out grades based on those behaviors. If they did, the desired behavior would be much easier to achieve. IMO ANY school can only do so much in that space and parents need to share the responsibility of teaching their DDs how to be good friends and make the right choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"women are still raw from their own "relational aggression" experiences"

you clearly do not understand the school from all sides. it's not tons of people being bullied. it's just the culture; it took me a REALLY long time to even notice it because, like a lot of others, i grew up with it as a lifer.
It is unfair and really, really untrue to say that every person who doesn't like NCS is just bitter. Are you serious?

I'm not the Pp you're responding to. Clearly you are also 2:57. How many times have posted on this thread, exactly? 30? 50 times?

This is the problem. We heard you the first few dozen times. Now you're contributing to the sense that there are 2-3 rabid posters, with a few bored teenagers (yes, I can totally see this happening) thrown in. The way this thread gets bumped up once a week is also suspect. My DD said "no" to her NCS acceptance, but this outsider perspective is something you 2-3 haters should consider. From an outsider's perspective, you alums from the 1990s need to move: all this hate is bad for you and your behavior here is lowering your credibility.

It is your credibility I question. Please do help me understand why you devote so much time to a school your dd doesn't attend. You are mistaken in thinkling that 2:57 posts over and over again. There are many of us. And further, we have girls who attend/attended NCS. You don't.

[Anonymous]

Ok. Current parent, current student at NCS in the upper school. Been at the school four years now. It's been a good fit. I agree that the academics can be intense, but I like that they encourage students to advocate for themselves when they struggle to keep up - and they help them when they do. The girls here often over-extend, for a variety of motives I'm sure, but sometimes just to take advantage of all there is to do here.

We have not experienced or witnessed bullying at the school. My daughter was drawn to the culture of the school which she has experienced as warm and caring, and to the teachers who respond positively to kids who love to learn and aren't totally focused on "the grade". The teachers are really the backbone of the school and, byandlarge, they are incredible.

That said, I find (I have older children who were not at NCS) that the adults "carry" and inform the culture of a school in the early years and that changes through the grades. By High School there is not as much the adults can do to shape that culture.

Bottom line: if you are considering the school and concerned about bullying, go visit the school, get the "vibe" first hand. Have your daughter visit if she's old enough. Ask your school to connect you with parents whose children went on to NCS to see what their current experience is like in their child's grade. Visit a few schools so you can get better at noticing the differences.

If your child is being bullied (anywhere) my advise would be: take it seriously but also support them toward resiliency. Keep reaching out until you find someone who will help; a trusted teacher often knows the most effective administrator to be in contact with. Other parents can be supportive as well - no one wants a child to suffer.

If the enviornment is truly toxic for your child, pull them, or, if you think it's possible, work to change it - if you fail, you will have at least modeled working for change under difficult circumstances.

Goodness knows assuming positive intent and communicating respectfully is in sort supply today. Arguably, DC being the epicenter of dysfunction when it comes to "being the adult" and communicating respectfully across the differences that divide us. Actually, we have found an oasis of sorts at NCS, as they much to instill these values in their students. I am grateful we are here.

Just our current experience and my 2 cents worth. Posting in hopes that it is helpful information, not to inflict pain and anyone with a different perspective. Peace.

[Anonymous]

Have things changed at NCS regarding bullying in the last 4 years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have things changed at NCS regarding bullying in the last 4 years?

Everything I learned about NCS from DCUM while researching schools several years ago was wrong. DD has been there for three years. DCUM is for entertainment purposes only and is as useful as any other rumor mill. Find some current parents and students. You'll find out everything you need to know.

[Anonymous]

When people say that the academics are intense in the upper school, what does that mean exactly - 4-6 h of HW nightly and all weekend studying or something else? My dd is in 7th grade at a k-8 and we are thinking about where to apply next year. My gut feel is that NCS is not right for her. She is very bright, hardworking and ambitious but has perfectionist tendencies. I worry that a school like NCS would exacerbate her perfectionism in an unhealthy way. Girls already struggle with trying to be perfect and especially girls from high achieving families. I can understand why NCS can devolve into a brutal environment for some as that is how top level girls are especially in an all girl environment where they all want to go the same colleges. I bet the vibe among the bottom 50% of the class is very different from the top 50% - much more friendly and relaxed. I want my kid to goof around a bit and enjoy high school. I don’t sense that is the NCS experience especially when you are hoping to get into an ivy.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, we can have a view about something and damage our experience based upon our fear without it being true. The girls at NCS seem to love it. My dd is in fifth grade and I see her complain about homework, because of what she has heard, and not based upon anything she has experienced herself. I think some people wear the idea of hard working as a badge of nonsense. My general advise is to show up at the school, tour it and see how your daughter feels. I had a fear that my daughter would be put in a grinder. In fact the opposite occurred. She has grown into a confident girl who can handle the homework without much trouble and loves having her brain challenged and pushed. The teachers are awesome and provide much needed support when she has a struggle. I really like the school and I can say that my daughter would not ever attend anywhere else. I think the school has listened to past students complaints about homework and pressure and has worked to lessen it. It's up to us as parents not to put extra pressure on our girls who work hard to please us. NCS says it has high standards. I think they like to say that. When I first heard it, it frightened me. Now, I laugh at it, because while it is true, who would actually show up and say. "come to our great school, because we have low standards, where your daughter can come and excel?" No one. NCS is great. Don't miss out on the challenge.We need amazing girls. No doubt your daughter is on her way. Just listen to your heart. We have a lot to be grateful for in the area. We have lots of great schools to pick from and I just think NCS is the best one. You can't go wrong with Holton and Stoneridge either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes, we can have a view about something and damage our experience based upon our fear without it being true. The girls at NCS seem to love it. My dd is in fifth grade and I see her complain about homework, because of what she has heard, and not based upon anything she has experienced herself. I think some people wear the idea of hard working as a badge of nonsense. My general advise is to show up at the school, tour it and see how your daughter feels. I had a fear that my daughter would be put in a grinder. In fact the opposite occurred. She has grown into a confident girl who can handle the homework without much trouble and loves having her brain challenged and pushed. The teachers are awesome and provide much needed support when she has a struggle. I really like the school and I can say that my daughter would not ever attend anywhere else. I think the school has listened to past students complaints about homework and pressure and has worked to lessen it. It's up to us as parents not to put extra pressure on our girls who work hard to please us. NCS says it has high standards. I think they like to say that. When I first heard it, it frightened me. Now, I laugh at it, because while it is true, who would actually show up and say. "come to our great school, because we have low standards, where your daughter can come and excel?" No one. NCS is great. Don't miss out on the challenge.We need amazing girls. No doubt your daughter is on her way. Just listen to your heart. We have a lot to be grateful for in the area. We have lots of great schools to pick from and I just think NCS is the best one. You can't go wrong with Holton and Stoneridge either.

I second this post. My DD is in 10th grade at NCS and absolutely loves it.

[Anonymous]

11:18, you were doing so well until you added the point about "NCS is the best one." Why the need to rank them? That is what causes the negative reactions from other posters.

Had you written, "I just think NCS is the best one for my daughter", one could not argue with that.

[Anonymous]

Have things changed at NCS regarding bullying in the last 4 years?

4 years ago 4th/5th graders were not communicating predominantly on social media. Now they are - it seemed to happen overnight. I don't think NCS (or any school for that matter) has figured out how to deal with the type of behavior that occurs on social media and the impact it has on young girls. LS, MS and US are 3 very different environments with 3 different heads of school. IMO things are handled well in US. Perhaps the dramatic increase/focus on academics, broader range of clubs/activities, large influx of new kids keeps them busy and less susceptible to the negative aspects of social media. The advisory program starts in MS and becomes more robust in US. The girls "match" with an advisor they request starting in 10th grade. There are regular discussions during grade level meetings, and in advisory home rooms, on managing stress and anxiety as well as other health related topics. Today's 6th graders need to be educated differently than pre-social media era 6th graders. Enhancing the advisory program in MS and starting it in 6th grade would help address the issues that seem to develop in those grades.

[Anonymous]

We are in the lower school and they are doing an amazing job with staying on top of the girls’ happiness and well being. Maybe these are positives changes they have made (not sure as we don’t have highschool uewrs to compare to). So far in the lower school we have been impressed by so much that is done to promote a kind community, happy girls, and so much more. The girls are a tight community and look out for one another.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Have things changed at NCS regarding bullying in the last 4 years?

4 years ago 4th/5th graders were not communicating predominantly on social media. Now they are - it seemed to happen overnight. I don't think NCS (or any school for that matter) has figured out how to deal with the type of behavior that occurs on social media and the impact it has on young girls. LS, MS and US are 3 very different environments with 3 different heads of school. IMO things are handled well in US. Perhaps the dramatic increase/focus on academics, broader range of clubs/activities, large influx of new kids keeps them busy and less susceptible to the negative aspects of social media. The advisory program starts in MS and becomes more robust in US. The girls "match" with an advisor they request starting in 10th grade. There are regular discussions during grade level meetings, and in advisory home rooms, on managing stress and anxiety as well as other health related topics. Today's 6th graders need to be educated differently than pre-social media era 6th graders. Enhancing the advisory program in MS and starting it in 6th grade would help address the issues that seem to develop in those grades.

My daughter is not on social media. She texts but that’s it. Only a few in our lower school grade have instagram etc... I think it’s weird actually that they have it at such a young age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are in the lower school and they are doing an amazing job with staying on top of the girls’ happiness and well being. Maybe these are positives changes they have made (not sure as we don’t have highschool uewrs to compare to). So far in the lower school we have been impressed by so much that is done to promote a kind community, happy girls, and so much more. The girls are a tight community and look out for one another.

The Middle School years are when the myth of community begins to unravel, and by the Upper School the ugliness of the venomous social scene is totally unmasked.