If I had know this was the case, I probably wouldn't have married you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear LD Spouses,

Of course we HD spouses love you less. You won't make the effort for us. You reject us. And we know that if the roles were reversed you would never put up with this bull. We know that you know we won't leave you because of the children. How could we maintain the love when the lack of intimacy makes the relationship all about duty?

I am a woman.

Another woman here, and you are spot on.

[Anonymous]

"OP here. The same ting happened to us. I had a 2 week blitz of sex because we were TTC and it worked too well. Got pregnant the first cycle. Game . Set . Match."

Bait and switch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you feel it's up to your spouse to make you want more sex?

I think he has an obligation to try, yes, just like I do. It's called compromise. Try it sometime.

Do you ever want sex just for sex's sake, or is it always about making love for you? This is one thing I do not think LD spouses, especially LD women, understand. Sex can (and should, IMO) cover the full range of desire - pure physicality, almost pure emotional connection and every kind of lovemaking in between. If you insist that your partner try to make you want sex every time, that's not going to lead to more sex.

No, frankly, I don't ever want sex just for the sake of it anymore. I can't gin up some physical "want" that I don't have. Does this make me an evil troll? I guess to you it does. So again, I say, WTF am I supposed to do to address the lack of physical desire? I'm not in control of my physiology in that aspect anymore than you sex-crazed HD's are in charge of yours. I am willing to work with DH to create a sex life that works for both of us. Somehow that's apparently not good enough, and I should flagellate myself daily to atone for the deep, dark sin of not wanting to have sex constantly.

No, but you could try to be accommodating. See your partner's desires as real. Help them out in ways that don't gross you out that much. Make them feel that their desires don't make them horrible, disgusting people who don't deserve sex except those very rare, special times that they've managed to do an inhuman number of things right. For example. Or let them have sex with other people! You don't get to hold your spouse's sex life hostage by marrying them. Or you shouldn't get to.

OP - Dan Savage addresses this very issue a whole lot in a very non-prudish, perhaps even excessively non-prudish, way in his column and his podcast. Try asking him what you should do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:8:47, I'd advise you to fake desire then and actually initiate some times. You have to understand that your spouse is feeling undesirable, and that's as bad as feeling used for sex.

I have done this. I hate it, but I do it. I'm not good at faking and don't feel comfortable doing it, but I try.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you feel it's up to your spouse to make you want more sex?

I think he has an obligation to try, yes, just like I do. It's called compromise. Try it sometime.

Do you ever want sex just for sex's sake, or is it always about making love for you? This is one thing I do not think LD spouses, especially LD women, understand. Sex can (and should, IMO) cover the full range of desire - pure physicality, almost pure emotional connection and every kind of lovemaking in between. If you insist that your partner try to make you want sex every time, that's not going to lead to more sex.

No, frankly, I don't ever want sex just for the sake of it anymore. I can't gin up some physical "want" that I don't have. Does this make me an evil troll? I guess to you it does. So again, I say, WTF am I supposed to do to address the lack of physical desire? I'm not in control of my physiology in that aspect anymore than you sex-crazed HD's are in charge of yours. I am willing to work with DH to create a sex life that works for both of us. Somehow that's apparently not good enough, and I should flagellate myself daily to atone for the deep, dark sin of not wanting to have sex constantly.

No, but you could try to be accommodating. See your partner's desires as real. Help them out in ways that don't gross you out that much. Make them feel that their desires don't make them horrible, disgusting people who don't deserve sex except those very rare, special times that they've managed to do an inhuman number of things right. For example. Or let them have sex with other people! You don't get to hold your spouse's sex life hostage by marrying them. Or you shouldn't get to.

OP - Dan Savage addresses this very issue a whole lot in a very non-prudish, perhaps even excessively non-prudish, way in his column and his podcast. Try asking him what you should do.

You know, I've been over this people. I wasn't LD when I married my husband, so I never went into this with an evil laugh thinking "I've got him now! Bwhahahahaha!" You people are ascribing negative and nefarious intent that just frankly isn't there. I have never tried to make my husband feel that he is a horrible, disgusting person who doesn't deserve sex, but I have tried to help him understand what I am going through and what he can do to help (and again, this has jack to do with folding laundry, for Pete's sake). Call me crazy, but I think he owes to me as my spouse to try and understand. Luckily, he has. Stop ascribing intent to me and putting words in my mouth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Do you feel it's up to your spouse to make you want more sex?

I think he has an obligation to try, yes, just like I do. It's called compromise. Try it sometime.

Do you ever want sex just for sex's sake, or is it always about making love for you? This is one thing I do not think LD spouses, especially LD women, understand. Sex can (and should, IMO) cover the full range of desire - pure physicality, almost pure emotional connection and every kind of lovemaking in between. If you insist that your partner try to make you want sex every time, that's not going to lead to more sex.

No, frankly, I don't ever want sex just for the sake of it anymore. I can't gin up some physical "want" that I don't have. Does this make me an evil troll? I guess to you it does. So again, I say, WTF am I supposed to do to address the lack of physical desire? I'm not in control of my physiology in that aspect anymore than you sex-crazed HD's are in charge of yours. I am willing to work with DH to create a sex life that works for both of us. Somehow that's apparently not good enough, and I should flagellate myself daily to atone for the deep, dark sin of not wanting to have sex constantly.

No, but you could try to be accommodating. See your partner's desires as real. Help them out in ways that don't gross you out that much. Make them feel that their desires don't make them horrible, disgusting people who don't deserve sex except those very rare, special times that they've managed to do an inhuman number of things right. For example. Or let them have sex with other people! You don't get to hold your spouse's sex life hostage by marrying them. Or you shouldn't get to.

OP - Dan Savage addresses this very issue a whole lot in a very non-prudish, perhaps even excessively non-prudish, way in his column and his podcast. Try asking him what you should do.

The formatting on this came out weird. I was trying to respond to the person who said that they can't gin up the physical want, and asked if it makes them an evil troll. I don't know about evil, but refusing to give your partner sex, and also refusing to let them have sex with other people, does make you a jailer of sorts.

I'm a woman, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear LD Spouses,

Of course we HD spouses love you less. You won't make the effort for us. You reject us. And we know that if the roles were reversed you would never put up with this bull. We know that you know we won't leave you because of the children. How could we maintain the love when the lack of intimacy makes the relationship all about duty?

I am a woman.

Another woman here, and you are spot on.

Well, I am the LD woman, and luckily my husband doesn't feel this way. I've asked. I'll just go ahead and assume he's a better person than you and thank my lucky stars.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"So again, I say, WTF am I supposed to do to address the lack of physical desire? "

Get a physical to make sure there's no hormonal or other biological reason for the loss of desire? Think about what fantasies you used to have? Masturbate regularly? What HAVE you done to gin up your desire?

I've tried those things. They don't get me very far. For me, masturbation is kind of like trying to tickle yourself - it might feel good but my brain is not buying it. I've always been that way, even when I wasn't LD. And I've never been much of a fantasizer, really. . .I'm more of an in the moment this person is doing it for me kind of gal.

Perhaps I should go to the OB and have my hormones tested, though. I suppose it's possible that there's some kind of imbalance that's been going on that I don't know about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"So again, I say, WTF am I supposed to do to address the lack of physical desire? "

Get a physical to make sure there's no hormonal or other biological reason for the loss of desire? Think about what fantasies you used to have? Masturbate regularly? What HAVE you done to gin up your desire?

"You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin' and we're all out of ideas." -- Ned Flanders parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear LD Spouses,

Of course we HD spouses love you less. You won't make the effort for us. You reject us. And we know that if the roles were reversed you would never put up with this bull. We know that you know we won't leave you because of the children. How could we maintain the love when the lack of intimacy makes the relationship all about duty?

I am a woman.

Another woman here, and you are spot on.

Well, I am the LD woman, and luckily my husband doesn't feel this way. I've asked. I'll just go ahead and assume he's a better person than you and thank my lucky stars.

Go ahead and assume he's a better person, I really don't care. I'm not interested in living in a marriage that's a sexual wasteland to get brownie points for being good and patient. The more we talk, the more I realize that I should have married a man who is also HD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So again, I say, WTF am I supposed to do to address the lack of physical desire? "

Get a physical to make sure there's no hormonal or other biological reason for the loss of desire? Think about what fantasies you used to have? Masturbate regularly? What HAVE you done to gin up your desire?

"You gotta help us, Doc. We've tried nothin' and we're all out of ideas." -- Ned Flanders parents.

Do you love your spouse? If so, for heaven's sake, why haven't you had yourself checked out by a doctor? You've never successfully masturbated to orgasm? You say you weren't LD earlier in life. What do you mean by that - that you had sexual fantasies, that you wanted sex multiple times a week?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear LD Spouses,

Of course we HD spouses love you less. You won't make the effort for us. You reject us. And we know that if the roles were reversed you would never put up with this bull. We know that you know we won't leave you because of the children. How could we maintain the love when the lack of intimacy makes the relationship all about duty?

I am a woman.

Another woman here, and you are spot on.

Well, I am the LD woman, and luckily my husband doesn't feel this way. I've asked. I'll just go ahead and assume he's a better person than you and thank my lucky stars.

I said I'm a woman, not stupid. I would never tell DH this, would never write it in a diary. But do I feel this way? Yes. If it were a sexless spell lasting three years or less I'd perhaps be more willing to attribute it to temporary factors. But, if you haven't improved after, say, five, seven, ten years, your DH will feel this way unless his last name is Christ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear LD Spouses,

Of course we HD spouses love you less. You won't make the effort for us. You reject us. And we know that if the roles were reversed you would never put up with this bull. We know that you know we won't leave you because of the children. How could we maintain the love when the lack of intimacy makes the relationship all about duty?

I am a woman.

Another woman here, and you are spot on.

Well, I am the LD woman, and luckily my husband doesn't feel this way. I've asked. I'll just go ahead and assume he's a better person than you and thank my lucky stars.

Go ahead and assume he's a better person, I really don't care. I'm not interested in living in a marriage that's a sexual wasteland to get brownie points for being good and patient. The more we talk, the more I realize that I should have married a man who is also HD.

+1000, Fellow Sexless Wife. LDers, Think of it this way. Do you love your brother or sister in the same way you love DH or DW? When the sexual aspect diminishes DH or DW becomes like a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"So again, I say, WTF am I supposed to do to address the lack of physical desire? "

Get a physical to make sure there's no hormonal or other biological reason for the loss of desire? Think about what fantasies you used to have? Masturbate regularly? What HAVE you done to gin up your desire?

I've tried those things. They don't get me very far. For me, masturbation is kind of like trying to tickle yourself - it might feel good but my brain is not buying it. I've always been that way, even when I wasn't LD. And I've never been much of a fantasizer, really. . .I'm more of an in the moment this person is doing it for me kind of gal.

Perhaps I should go to the OB and have my hormones tested, though. I suppose it's possible that there's some kind of imbalance that's been going on that I don't know about.

So when you've been without a partner, you've just had no sexual activity? With respect, then, you've always been LD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dear LD Spouses,

Of course we HD spouses love you less. You won't make the effort for us. You reject us. And we know that if the roles were reversed you would never put up with this bull. We know that you know we won't leave you because of the children. How could we maintain the love when the lack of intimacy makes the relationship all about duty?

I am a woman.

Another woman here, and you are spot on.

Well, I am the LD woman, and luckily my husband doesn't feel this way. I've asked. I'll just go ahead and assume he's a better person than you and thank my lucky stars.

Go ahead and assume he's a better person, I really don't care. I'm not interested in living in a marriage that's a sexual wasteland to get brownie points for being good and patient. The more we talk, the more I realize that I should have married a man who is also HD.

And therein lies the gist of my title.

-OP