Vent about marrying someone from a very underdeveloped country

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

It sounds like you live in a bubble

https://www.indiatoday.in/amp/diu/story/less-than-10-percent-indian-men-involved-household-chores-survey-1731199-2020-10-13

Reposting full title since it wasn’t displayed on the prior link: Less than 10% Indian men involved in household chores, shows latest survey

[Anonymous]

Your husband sounds like an @ss. Just curious, how did you meet and fall in love? What do you like about him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

You hired cooks in the US on a modest salary? How did you manage that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is American born and raised SouthAsian?

Op here. No, if that was the case I would have probably been prepared. I am a white American from Connecticut. Before the first trip I think I watched a few videos and from the videos, I thought people would be riding on the tops of trains and I would see a lot of monkeys and elephants. I didn't see any monkeys. I saw one elephant and I didn't see any trains during the first visit. I went in blind. I wasn't even aware of mosquitos being a problem, no washer or dryers, or sleeping in a mosquito net. There are a lot of other things as well but I won't go into that. The people are so sweet though and they do seem happier than Americans. They enjoy life more it seems and have more friends and down time. If they aren't having downtime it seems a friend will always be around working with them. A lot of people own their own shops, car business etc, etc.

You cannot be this dumb. Seriously.

To be honest I’m Indian American and I know nothing about Bangladesh either

I would assume it’s just like India but when I sit and think about it I’ve never really heard of bangladeshi railways/trains either

Edit:

So I just looked it up and while Indian railways has been a thing for almost 200 years and has total track length of 80k miles

Bangladesh only has 2200 miles of track

That’s crazy. Rail is so central to my idea of south Asian identity even as a 2nd American — we grew up hearing about and visiting and riding on the railways that were terrible slow but extensive

Bangladesh really doesn’t even have that - crazy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:O they realize a marriage with a white chick won't last if they constantly act like it's my way or the highway.

x1000. Many Americans women don't realize how good they have it with American men. The kind of treatment you get from an American man, in most of South Asia or Africa, you will never be treated in an equal manner the way an American man will treat you. And despite this most marriages end up failing. I am always amazed when I see the guys here doing stuff like grocery shopping, chores at home, etc. , as an African woman I am envious.

Funny you say this because my parents immigrated from India in the 70s - same deal, wife does EVERYTHING. I remember being a kid in the 90s and my mom STILL being mystified because she went to the grocery store on a Saturday morning and there were so many MEN there doing full cartloads of shopping for the family and some men even brought the 4 year old along. LOL to her that was the most AMAZING thing because to most Indian guys who immigrated back then and brought over an Indian wife going to the grocery store is something you did once in a year as a "favor" to your wife because you were out of milk and desperately needed another gallon and she couldn't get to the store; and even then that "favor" was very much remembered as he'd later be like - uh make sure you get enough milk for our child next time. Because making sure his child had enough to eat was not dad's problem.

Wow!! No one in my vast Indian community in this area is married to such an Indian man. I wonder if it is actually a SES issue rather than the issue of a group? People who came from well educated and fairly prosperous families in India have a very different mindset.

I immigrated in 1990's. My DH has always done more than me at home, regardless of when I was a WOHM or a SAHM. I have always paid very well to get domestic help - cleaners, landscapers, cooks - even on very modest salary. The reason is that DH and I have heavily prioritized our time spent with our children and essentially we are buying our time back when we outsource time consuming domestic chores.

It sounds like you live in a bubble

https://www.indiatoday.in/amp/diu/story/less-than-10-percent-indian-men-involved-household-chores-survey-1731199-2020-10-13

Reposting full title since it wasn’t displayed on the prior link: Less than 10% Indian men involved in household chores, shows latest survey

https://euronews.al/en/albanian-men-do-not-do-housework/

Albania

The balkans is similar in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Imo your DH should be taking an active role in planning an enjoyable trip for his family. You don’t know the area or what to do. Does he? Can you make plans together? Can you take trips to other places with your immediate family? I don’t understand why he doesn’t seem invested in everyone having a good trip.

Because that's an American viewpoint. He's there to see his family. It's also why OP is getting frustrated because she few up that way. He did not. Cultural difference. She needs to bend more towards the Bengali side and to do that for a month takes a sort of saint.

Not an American viewpoint. I’m very not American and it was so important for my dad when we went back to my country of origin to tour around and see things and show me my heritage and culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is American born and raised SouthAsian?

Op here. No, if that was the case I would have probably been prepared. I am a white American from Connecticut. Before the first trip I think I watched a few videos and from the videos, I thought people would be riding on the tops of trains and I would see a lot of monkeys and elephants. I didn't see any monkeys. I saw one elephant and I didn't see any trains during the first visit. I went in blind. I wasn't even aware of mosquitos being a problem, no washer or dryers, or sleeping in a mosquito net. There are a lot of other things as well but I won't go into that. The people are so sweet though and they do seem happier than Americans. They enjoy life more it seems and have more friends and down time. If they aren't having downtime it seems a friend will always be around working with them. A lot of people own their own shops, car business etc, etc.

You cannot be this dumb. Seriously.

To be honest I’m Indian American and I know nothing about Bangladesh either

I would assume it’s just like India but when I sit and think about it I’ve never really heard of bangladeshi railways/trains either

Edit:

So I just looked it up and while Indian railways has been a thing for almost 200 years and has total track length of 80k miles

Bangladesh only has 2200 miles of track

That’s crazy. Rail is so central to my idea of south Asian identity even as a 2nd American — we grew up hearing about and visiting and riding on the railways that were terrible slow but extensive

Bangladesh really doesn’t even have that - crazy

Here's a fun thing you can google next - the size of India vs the size of Bangladesh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is in a city of 2 million people. Hardly a village.

Ok, not many hotels but here's one for $27/night with... a hot shower:
https://www.booking.com/hotel/bd/raffles-inn.html#tab-main

You don't even have to sleep there. Just take it for a few nights and go to shower if you like.

Worried about walking on the streets? Take an Uber: https://www.uber.com/en-BD/newsroom/uber-expands-services-to-20-cities-across-all-8-divisions-in-bangladesh/

Though the streets look pretty normal to me for that region:
https://www.google.com/maps/@23.6073123,89.841811,3a,75y,81.59h,84.31t/data=!3m6!1e1!3m4!1sB4HMB2-_ueY_z1nFnSck9g!2e0!7i16384!8i8192?entry=ttu

English is taught in all schools there -- it's compulsory. Sure few are fluent, but English is hardly a "foreign" language there. You can peruse one of the 10 English language newspapers next time you're at a newsstand.

Op here. I doubt it is warm water showers like we are used to in the US. They use a water boiler in the bathroom but there isn't a way to combine both hot and cold water so it will come out of the shower head. His family told me they had a hot water shower before this visit but once I arrived I realized it's not what we are used to in the US. If I suggested going to a hotel my dh would balk or think his family would get offended. His family may own that hotel. I can check. One of his uncles owns a hotel around here.

Uber isn't in this city. The streets are usually more congested than that. There are also huge buses like mega bus types that go down those roads. I don't feel safe walking down those sidewalks.
The only thing we would be able to do is going to a corner shop and buy small items so it's not very exciting. My kids are having a good time as a side note. One of our kids is getting an x-ray today for his asthma and in the US the bill would be so much higher. There are definitely pros to visiting. I am going to take my sister in laws out shopping later to Aarong. It's a famous department store here.. Very high end clothing. I told them dh was treating them to a new dress. He balked at first but I insisted.

I’ve been scrolling through the Aarong website for like 20min. The textiles are gorgeous!

White chicks can’t wear stuff from aarong

Definitely not dc area white women

California/Colorado white women could pull it off easier

But not dcum women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is American born and raised SouthAsian?

Op here. No, if that was the case I would have probably been prepared. I am a white American from Connecticut. Before the first trip I think I watched a few videos and from the videos, I thought people would be riding on the tops of trains and I would see a lot of monkeys and elephants. I didn't see any monkeys. I saw one elephant and I didn't see any trains during the first visit. I went in blind. I wasn't even aware of mosquitos being a problem, no washer or dryers, or sleeping in a mosquito net. There are a lot of other things as well but I won't go into that. The people are so sweet though and they do seem happier than Americans. They enjoy life more it seems and have more friends and down time. If they aren't having downtime it seems a friend will always be around working with them. A lot of people own their own shops, car business etc, etc.

You cannot be this dumb. Seriously.

To be honest I’m Indian American and I know nothing about Bangladesh either

I would assume it’s just like India but when I sit and think about it I’ve never really heard of bangladeshi railways/trains either

Edit:

So I just looked it up and while Indian railways has been a thing for almost 200 years and has total track length of 80k miles

Bangladesh only has 2200 miles of track

That’s crazy. Rail is so central to my idea of south Asian identity even as a 2nd American — we grew up hearing about and visiting and riding on the railways that were terrible slow but extensive

Bangladesh really doesn’t even have that - crazy

Here's a fun thing you can google next - the size of India vs the size of Bangladesh.

Even adjusted for size, Bangladesh and Pakistan have way less rail cover and usage

[Anonymous]

I don't think OP is a troll because of her prior posts. The info generally aligns, she's just used to hyperbole when complaining.

It's winter in Bangladesh which means it's pitha season (steamed or fried confections made with rice flour, coconut, and/or guur aka jaggery). There are soooo many kinds of pitha. Bapha, chitoi, patishapta... These are often made in-house and will be clean and safe to eat. AND there's no "spice" to worry about. Do your ILs not eat any kind of pitha?

[Anonymous]

You sound really obnoxious. Your husband’s family has experienced such hardships for a lifetime. You can handle it for a few weeks. You sound mad at him for having grown up in a poor country.

1) How clueless are you about how most people on this planet live?

2) Feel lucky, not put out.

3) This is a real education for you and your children. It should give you tremendous insight into your husband and his formative years.

For future trips, figure out what is important to you. But be sure to treat his family with respect and sensitivity. Compromise. Learn. Find some humility .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is American born and raised SouthAsian?

Op here. No, if that was the case I would have probably been prepared. I am a white American from Connecticut. Before the first trip I think I watched a few videos and from the videos, I thought people would be riding on the tops of trains and I would see a lot of monkeys and elephants. I didn't see any monkeys. I saw one elephant and I didn't see any trains during the first visit. I went in blind. I wasn't even aware of mosquitos being a problem, no washer or dryers, or sleeping in a mosquito net. There are a lot of other things as well but I won't go into that. The people are so sweet though and they do seem happier than Americans. They enjoy life more it seems and have more friends and down time. If they aren't having downtime it seems a friend will always be around working with them. A lot of people own their own shops, car business etc, etc.

You cannot be this dumb. Seriously.

To be honest I’m Indian American and I know nothing about Bangladesh either

I would assume it’s just like India but when I sit and think about it I’ve never really heard of bangladeshi railways/trains either

Edit:

So I just looked it up and while Indian railways has been a thing for almost 200 years and has total track length of 80k miles

Bangladesh only has 2200 miles of track

That’s crazy. Rail is so central to my idea of south Asian identity even as a 2nd American — we grew up hearing about and visiting and riding on the railways that were terrible slow but extensive

Bangladesh really doesn’t even have that - crazy

Here's a fun thing you can google next - the size of India vs the size of Bangladesh.

Even adjusted for size, Bangladesh and Pakistan have way less rail cover and usage

True. But in Bangladesh, there are lots of waterways where people can travel by barge or small boat. It's not as rail-reliant as India. Also, I don't see why railway development is being used as a marker of development? In general though, Bangladeshis don't need to traverse the country as much as you might need to in India. Bangladesh also has highways and local airports for those who can afford it and need to go from one distant part of the country to another.

[Anonymous]

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let’s review:
-husband said she has to go or he’ll divorce her
-husband shows little concern for caring for asthmatic child
-husband shows little concern for daily comfort of wife and children
-husband shows little interest in doing what wife wants to do on trip

OP, now that you see who your husband really is, what will you be doing when you get back home? The next time there’s a trip?

Also, does anyone remember the book/movie Not Without My Daughter? OP’s situation reminds me of that husband (minus the actual hostage/kidnapping situation ).

Question about men in Bangladesh generally:

- do they tend to be more misogynistic and less feminist than men raised in the West?

Isn’t Bangladesh like, 90% Muslim?

Wait - are you implying men raised in predominantly Muslim countries are not feminists?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oookay.

Consider talking to your husband when you come back. Let him know that you wish you were better prepared.

Having to bathe out of the bucket is not the end of the world. Not eating chicken nuggets is not the end of the world. Being constantly cold would be, so keep your list reasonable, and see how you can work around it, the next time you go. Maybe he goes first and you join him later, to keep your portion of the trip shorter. Tell him you want to see the country, not just sit at home. This will automatically get you to places where you will have access to different food, shopping, etc.

And unless you have very young kids, work on expanding their palate. There are things you can do here to make your next trip easier.

OP here. Have you done this for a MONTH? I think not. Our kids are very young, and we were advised that boxed food would be better. We all got super sick during the last trip. Please let me know what we can do to make our trip easier... I planned how to make this trip easier for months.. there is only so much you can do. His family doesn't live close to a big city.. there isn't a lot of shopping and restaurants around... going out to restaurants and using a supermarket is a newer concept here...

Did you read up on how to eat safely in a low income setting like that? (Only eat cooked food, boiled water, no raw fruits unless you peel them yourself, no street food, etc). Did you go to a travel clinic , which would have educated you about bed nets or malaria prophylaxis if needed? You sound SO helpless and clueless. Hie can you be a mom? You are responsible for the welfare of little people. Take some responsibility for what is happening, not just whine passively.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think people are being overly tough on you. You know that 95% of these comments are made by middle-aged women living in upper-class comfort who would HATE to be where you are right now.

I'm not sure why you went though given the circumstances. There is room for compromise here. I’d shorten the trip or insist on the remainder being in a hotel.