Grandparents coming in for first grandchild--tension already

[Anonymous]

I am a FTM and we have no local family here. I am also expecting in a few weeks. Grandparents want to fly in right away to see their first grandchild. Since I am a FTM, and since my relationships with my own parents is strained, and I don't get along with MIL at all, I have asked all 3 grandparents to stay in a hotel and have a short visit after baby is born, and then they can come for a longer visit and stay with us after DH and I have gotten into more of a routine and feel more comfortable.

I have received a ton of pushback from the grandparents about this idea--they don't want to stay in a hotel, they want to stay with us, and they want to stay a really long time so they can "help." My mother brings up at every phone call why I don't want them to stay with us for 3 weeks so she can help. The issue is that we have a ton of space, and a nice guest room (though MIL would have to sleep on an air mattress in a spare bedroom, as we only have one guest room). My mother thinks we should host all 3 grandparents at once. I have tried to explain tactfully that hosting guests right after giving birth for the first time and trying to take care of their needs will be so stressful for me, but she doesn't understand. They also don't understand that I told them that they need to rent a car, as DH will not be available to drive them all over the place when they are here, as he will be taking care of me. They don't want to rent a car.

Part of the problem is that the grandparents are coming from the West Coast, so I understand that they don't want to come for a short visit, but they have been very high maintenance guests when they have stayed with us before, and as a FTM who may be recovering from a c-section (and who has had a rough pregnancy so far and is exhausted already), I don't want to have to host guests and take care of their needs in addition to figuring out how to take care of a newborn. For instance, in the past, when they have visited us, the grandparents have never rented a car, provide us with a grocery list of all their grocery needs that we have to buy before they come (most of which are things DH and I don't eat), and they expect to be entertained and won't go anywhere on their own.

Grandparents have been critical and judgmental about DH and myself in the past (our choices, our housekeeping skills, our pets), and I don't want to hear it while I'm recovering from birth and taking care of a newborn.

Grandparents are making me feel bad for asking them to stay in a hotel and limit their visit to 4 days for this first visit. They keep bringing this up over and over and making me feel like a selfish person for asking them to do this during this visit. How should I handle this situation?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I think you'll be tired of them after four days!

You can cut your work in half by not talking to your ILs and making DH handle them. I would back off on talking to your parents too...don't pick up the phone so often, etc, but also be direct. "Mom, we've discussed this several times, and I'm tired of repeating myself, so let's drop it, ok?"...."No? Ok, I need to get off the phone and go rest. Bye!" "Mom, if it makes you uncomfortable to be more self-sufficient during this stressful time, we'd be happy to host you in our home when the baby is six weeks old."

You might consider waiting until the baby is born to notify them that anything is going on, rather than telling them when you go to the hospital. It will delay their arrival and give you some space. Just a thought.

[Anonymous]

This comes up over and over again on these boards. Here is my take on your situation:

1. It does seem a little rude to say they can only stay for a few days when they will be flying cross country.

2. In my opinion you should propose the following: parents stagger their visits and can stay with you. You set very clear guidelines ahead of time though that they will not be traditional guests - you will absolutely not be catering to them. And you expect them to help out a great deal if they are staying with you during such a challenging time. If they are not up for helping, they stay in a hotel and only come by briefly to visit.

[Anonymous]

They can't come right away and that's that. They can come when the baby is four weeks old. End of story. You can't run a hotel when you are recovering from the birth.

The all around excuse: The Doctor Says No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This comes up over and over again on these boards. Here is my take on your situation:

1. It does seem a little rude to say they can only stay for a few days when they will be flying cross country.

2. In my opinion you should propose the following: parents stagger their visits and can stay with you. You set very clear guidelines ahead of time though that they will not be traditional guests - you will absolutely not be catering to them. And you expect them to help out a great deal if they are staying with you during such a challenging time. If they are not up for helping, they stay in a hotel and only come by briefly to visit.

OP here. I hear what you're saying but wouldn't it also be a bit rude to "insist" that they be helpful during their stay, since that has not been how our visits have gone in the past, where they've always expected to be catered to? Can I really say "you can only stay with us if you're willing to help out and give me my privacy when needed" (to breastfeed, for instance). My husband is super helpful and is capable of taking care of everything else while I take care of the baby.

As for the idea of staggering their visits, that is a good idea but who gets to come first? My parents would like to visit me in the hospital with the baby, but MIL also wants to see her first grandchild ASAP. So not sure how that would work since both are coming in from far distances.

[Anonymous]

SATND. YOUR. GROUND. This is YOUR and DH's time with your baby and your recovery.

If they are too selfish to understand that things cannot and will not be on their terms then let them say they wont come.

Sorry you are going through this but there is nothing unreasonable about your requests. Hang in there and make sure you and DH are on the same page and stick together!

[Anonymous]

I think you can def say they can only stay if they're willing to help out. Who are these people that would expect to be catered to?? If you had knee replacement surgery or such, surely they wouldn't expect to be catered to? A C- section is major surgery.

[Anonymous]

As one who has unhelpful, high maintenance parents, I feel for you.

With all the push back, you just have to be matter of fact. Since they want a long visit, let their first visit be when the baby is a couple months old. They can stay for a week, need to rent a car, and figure out food for themselves. If they ignore all this, you need to stick to your guns when they show up. Don't cook for them or cater to them. Of there is one time in life to be a little selfish, now is it.

I say this as a FTM to twins who had parents show up while I was recovering from a c-section...and expected to be given the red carpet treatment. They did not lift a finger, and even brought their Yorkie along. DH is mildly allergic to dogs.

We knew better, but were too tired to push back once the babies were here. My feelings towards my parents have not recovered.

[Anonymous]

You could let them come and stay with you and just not entertain them. Just give them a blank stare when they you give a grocery list and draw them a map of where the nearest supermarket is, etc. Ask them what they're planning to make for dinner. Point out where the broom and vacuum cleaner are, and where you keep the laundry detergent. Good luck!!

[Anonymous]

Stand your ground. Have them hold off their visits until at least 3 weeks after your due date. The reason is they have to book flights and you want to ensure your little one has been born and is home from the hospital. You’ll need at least a week to get your routine down, which will make the grands visit much less stressful. Since their flight is so long, I would give them 2 options. You will host for 3 days in your house, but if they want a longer visit, they need to stay in a hotel and rent a car. When they’re here, have takeout menus available. Say that you and DH will not be cooking. If they go for the longer visit, limit how much time per day they are at the house. I always insist in having only one set of grands at a time so each gets the quality time they deserve. They get that and comply. I give everyone acceptable times to visit and it’s up to them to schedule so it does not conflict with the others. Whomever books first gets the dates they want.

With my first, my MIL wanted to come right away. I told her that babies don't come on time and I'd hate for her visit to be when we're waiting for DS to show up - her visit also required advanced planning (work schedule, flights). So I held her off for a month. Best idea ever! She was not happy at the time but she got over it. She was not helpful and was annoyed she didn't get enough time with DS - at a month he spent most of his time napping and nursing, so we hid in the bedrooms. Now with the 2nd coming, she's on board with coming 2+ months after his due date so she'll get the visit she imagined.

[Anonymous]

Why all the blah-blah-blah. Tell them they will need a hotel. Do not tell them how long to stay in town (not really your call) You will need to decide- later- how often/what periods of time your house is open to them. Quit with the discussion. You're only buying into the drama.

[Anonymous]

OP, I agree with others, stand your ground. You're not doing anything wrong, hotel and car are perfectly acceptable requirements. Just because it's not how they did it or how they've imagined this blissful moment doesn't meant you have to cater to their whining. Hang in there and congrats on the baby!

[Anonymous]

Yes, stand your ground. This is only the first of many fights with the grands you'll probably have as you raise your kid.

Always keep in mind that everyone is saying that they want to be helpful. So figure out what would be most helpful to you, and inform them, in detail. *You* decide which set you want to come first, and when. *You* decide for how long. Then tell them. They may have some requests that are reasonable to you -- if so, accommodate. If they are being unreasonable, then stand your ground. This is about you, your family, and your kid. Period. There will be plenty of time when the kid is older to cater to whims of family. The newborn period is not that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, stand your ground. This is only the first of many fights with the grands you'll probably have as you raise your kid.

Always keep in mind that everyone is saying that they want to be helpful. So figure out what would be most helpful to you, and inform them, in detail. *You* decide which set you want to come first, and when. *You* decide for how long. Then tell them. They may have some requests that are reasonable to you -- if so, accommodate. If they are being unreasonable, then stand your ground. This is about you, your family, and your kid. Period. There will be plenty of time when the kid is older to cater to whims of family. The newborn period is not that time.

I meant to write "This is about you, your DH, and your kid."

[Anonymous]

New Poster anticipating a similar situation soon - Does anyone think its ok to ask grandparents not to visit for 1 week / 10 days? It seems like that would let my milk come in and we could get a handle on things so that when visitors show up I'll actually know what I need help with (not holding the baby) but real help like making meals and doing laundry.

If and when there's a DC#2, they could come right away to help with DC#1