Grandparents coming in for first grandchild--tension already
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Anonymous
| My inlaws came two weeks after the birth of dd1 and sat on my couch for ten hours a day. I had to get fully dressed to use the bathroom and get a drink of water. I was recovering from a c-section. It was awful. They did nothing to help. They meant well but it was the last thing I needed as I recovered from surgery, tried to figure out breastfeeding, and how to care for a baby. With dd2, DH and I told them the wrong due date and told them they couldn't come for two months. Best decision ever. Please go to babycenter.com and read up in the Dealing With The Inlaws and Family of Origin board. Those women will teach you how to grow a spine. This is your time with your new baby. You will never get it back. Dont give it away to people who have no respect for you or your family unit. It sounds like it's all about what they want. |
Anonymous
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Do NOT give in, especially on the hotel. My ILs came a week after DS was born and stayed with friends and they still drive me crazy by being around so much. It sounds like they are not the helpful type, you definitely do not want people in your house in the middle of the night while you wander around topless looking for your clean nursing tanks because the baby just puked on you. Also, tell them they can come at X o'clock, not whenever they feel like it. Maybe 9 or 10am or whatever, so you have a little time to get yourself together. Remind them this is just for this visit, when they come later they can stay over. I love having the grandparents stay over now and get up early with my now toddler while I sleep in a little bit.
My parents came first and then my ILs, and I wish I had everyone all at once. I really wanted to spend time bonding with just our little 3 person family before my DH went back to work. Get all the drama out of the way first and then you can relax. |
Anonymous
| Tell them they can make a quick visit about 3 - 5 weeks AFTER the baby is born! Don't be a pushover. With a first baby, you will want to rest and recover and adjust to taking care of the baby. You won't need anyone's help except DH. This may change with a 2nd or 3rd child as you would need someone to watch the other children while you are in hospital. Don't give in. Be polite but firm. Explain that you will not be up to having company. You will be exhausted and adjusting to your new role. You don't need help. You need understanding. And when they do visit, it needs to be a quick visit. |
Anonymous
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Just go ahead and be the bitch you're entitled to be. When they hand you a grocery list, hand it back with directions to the supermarket. When they ask when dinner is, say, "I was just going to ask YOU that - aren't you cooking a meal for the new mom? I thought you came to help." When they ask what we're doing today, say, "I'm doing what my doctor told me to do - taking the baby to bed, resting and nursing. Are you and Dad going to go see a movie? Would you fold the laundry in the dryer and make me an omlette before you go? Oh, and also, could you please throw out the kitchen garbage on your way out? And the diaper trash bag?"
When they complain, say, "Well, this is why I kept telling you a long visit wasn't a good idea. I knew I wouldnt be up for hosting, and I'm not. You refused to listen." |
Anonymous
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OP here. I am starting to get really anxious about this whole visiting thing. First, I can't stand my MIL and I don't enjoy her visits before we got pregnant. She stays way too long and is not helpful and I don't enjoy her company. I would like her to stay for a max of 3 days and stay in a hotel, but even then I'm not sure exactly what she would be doing. Holding the baby a bit, maybe she might be helpful, but then she will be sitting on my couch the rest of the time. She does not sightsee on her own or have anyone else to visit in the area, and DH will be occupied with me and the baby.
My parents claim they will be helpful, and will cook and clean, but I'm not sure what they're going to do if they visit either in between their claims to help cook and clean. They will be watching TV the whole time I guess. They also do not sightsee on their own or have anyone else to visit in the area. I feel really confused and stressed about all this. I have had a difficult pregnancy so far, especially the last few weeks, am due any day now and am just exhausted already. I have no idea how I'm going to get through labor and delivery being this exhausted, let alone dealing with family who want to visit right away after the birth. |
Anonymous
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OP--you need to make your husband the gatekeeper here. Let him step into the papa bear role and protect his family. This is too much stress for you when you should be resting and preparing for birth.
Do not tell family when you are going to the hospital. Seriously. Say nothing. Turn your phones off. Send a message, if you want saying you're busy and will call back. Wait several days. Folks are already pissed off, so let them be pissed off while you get some peace and quiet. |
Anonymous
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OP: That they insist and will not hear you when you say you can't do it all says that they are VERY high maintenance guests. Having all grandparents at the same time right after the birth? You will be dead on your feet. people who have not "helped" in the past are not going to learn to "help" now. My MIL insisted on coming over after out preemie twins -- her version of "help" was comments on how much easier it all was for me compared to her.
Your GP seem to not "hear" the realities of visiting here. Rent a car, hotel room ect. I would use to old tried and true " the doctors says no visitors" |
Anonymous
| OP You will not have the energy to teach the old dogs new tricks. Forget about pushing back. just.say.no. When your baby comes, you will want to be alone with the baby, or have someone who can really help -- like a baby nurse. Even that got on my nerves. A visit 4 weeks after the birth is so much better for everyone. Yes, It made MIL mad, but she had to get over it. or not. Her choice. |
Anonymous
| Op, it's not about them. They don't get to dictate the terms. My friend just had a baby and much as I want to go coo over it, my questions to her included what errands I could run and laundry could I do for her. Normal people ask how they can make your life easier right now. Entitled people make it s about them. Have dh send an email now stating what will happen. Not up for negotiation. |
Anonymous
| Can DH manage his parents? And by manage, I mean lay down the law about how things will be? You shouldn't have to be doing this. |
Anonymous
+1 NO WAY I would allow anybody to stay in our house while my wife is recovering and we're in the first weeks with a newborn. After a month or 2, 3, perhaps, but even then only for a day or two. Selfish? Sure. Smart? Definitely! |
Anonymous
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My in-laws came right after the baby was born and stayed about three days, which I was not crazy about but my husband totally laid down the law (especially to his dad). My MIL is a nurse, and was really helpful--she prepared all the meals, did all the cleanup, did laundry, etc., and they also ran errands for us, drove us to ped vists (we had a ew extra in the first days), etc. My FIL is a pain as a visitor, but my husband totally kept him out of my hair. Then my parents came--my dad stayed for a week and my mom for nearly a month. They were SO helpful--my husband returned to work, so I had a little company, and they ran errands, my dad did little projects around the house we hadn't had time to get to, my mom had dinner ready every night and cleaned my whole house.
BUT--I knew that my in-laws would respect what my husband told them, and I knew that my parents would be truly helpful and supportive. If I didn't know that, I would have done things differently. There's no one right way to handle grandparent visits; you have to decide (with your husband) what you want, what you can handle, etc. Then stick to that. Your husband should be running interference on this one--part of his job at this point is protecting you and the new baby in these early days. Especially if you're dealing with his parents, he needs to step up and tell them how things will be. If they won't respect that you will be exhausted and making a major adjustment, then they can't visit. Period. And any visit must be on terms with which you are comfortable. Stop hinting and discussing and just tell them what you are going to do. |
Anonymous
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I gave birth in early December, right before the holidays. Both sets of grandparents wanted to spend Christmas with us. I agreed as I didn't want to have to choose who came first and who got to spend Christmas with us. It wasn't a total disaster, but I sure as hell wouldn't do it again, and definitely recommend that you do the visits one at a time. It was too many people, too much going on, particularly for Christmas when we had in town relatives visiting as well.
Good luck! |
Anonymous
| If it will stress you out, just say no. You just need to be honest. Say I will be exhausted and I don't want to worry about guests and getting dressed, etc. I just want to rest and take care of the baby myself. YOu don't need much help at all with one baby. DH can do the landry. Eat frozen food. Say, please come later - maybe in Jan or Feb. And then, it would be easier if you stayed in a hotel so we can all get some sleep. Don't give in. I remember being extremely stressed about this issue, too. I keep imagining my FIL watching me breastfeed while I was in my PJs. Luckily, they came about 5 weeks later and stayed nearby with a friend and it worked out fine. But I was firm about - no visitors initially except my mother who I am very comfortable around and who is very helpful. Also, I had twins 2 years later and I had a series of "helpers" (my mom, each sister) and only one of them was really and truly helpful. Visitors just add more work and stress to you when you are busy with a new baby or two. |
Anonymous
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OP, please get some rest now if you can. Take a day off of work and sleep in, forget about errands or anything you need to get done. You will really benefit if you are able to go into labor a little bit more rested.
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