Grandparents coming in for first grandchild--tension already

[Anonymous]

Grandparent behavior can often be toddlerish. I want I want I want I want my way my way my way my way I'm special I'm special I'm special....

I know from my own experience as a FTM how grandparents can assert themselves quickly and quite forcefully when it comes to the birth of a first grandchild (OF COURSE I'm going to be at the hospital. Where else would I be!?) My own mother started to lose patience 12 hours into my labor because the baby wasn't coming fast enough-- for HER.

Just set out the rules from the get-go. You are not obliged to invite them to stay for weeks. They're not going to stay mad at you forever; afterall, they want to see their grandchild, so being pissy with you isn't going to help their cause.

[Anonymous]

I would stand firm with what you want. They will push but just push back.

Personally, having both of them at the same time sounds even more stressful to me. I would have your parents come first, MIL to come after your parents visit. Having them at the same time for a short visit might leave all of them feeling short changed with baby time.
If you are having visitors come immediately after the birth, and you would prefer a hotel for them, I would go for it. I just remember there were a lot of times the first week or two that I kept thinking I was so glad no one was around because you just feel gross with bleeding and hot flashes and milk, etc. I was just so happy that I didn't have to put myself together to entertain anyone! Having them at the hotel will give you the privacy you need.

We refused visitors for the first two week and after that they only came for a quick weekend visit. Having someone stay with me for a week or two or three would drive me crazy. I know most people like the help but it is just not for me. We were fine and I honestly can't imagine what we would have done the whole time with 3 weeks of help.

[Anonymous]

If they come right when the baby is born, definitely put your foot down and make them stay in a hotel. You will be up a lot in the middle of the night, going to the bathroom, feeding and changing the baby, etc., etc. Trust me, you do not want your parents and/or in-laws in your house for the first few nights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I have received a ton of pushback from the grandparents about this idea--they don't want to stay in a hotel, they want to stay with us, and they want to stay a really long time so they can "help." My mother brings up at every phone call why I don't want them to stay with us for 3 weeks so she can help. The issue is that we have a ton of space, and a nice guest room (though MIL would have to sleep on an air mattress in a spare bedroom, as we only have one guest room). My mother thinks we should host all 3 grandparents at once. I have tried to explain tactfully that hosting guests right after giving birth for the first time and trying to take care of their needs will be so stressful for me, but she doesn't understand. They also don't understand that I told them that they need to rent a car, as DH will not be available to drive them all over the place when they are here, as he will be taking care of me. They don't want to rent a car.
Part of the problem is that the grandparents are coming from the West Coast, so I understand that they don't want to come for a short visit, but they have been very high maintenance guests when they have stayed with us before, and as a FTM who may be recovering from a c-section (and who has had a rough pregnancy so far and is exhausted already), I don't want to have to host guests and take care of their needs in addition to figuring out how to take care of a newborn. For instance, in the past, when they have visited us, the grandparents have never rented a car, provide us with a grocery list of all their grocery needs that we have to buy before they come (most of which are things DH and I don't eat), and they expect to be entertained and won't go anywhere on their own.

Say no. Say that you will not feel up to hosting so many people in the days after the baby is born. Say that you and your husband would like a few days to rest and bond and get used to your new family.

If you do decide to let them visit, don't cater to them. Just don't do it. Make clear in advance that you will be recovering and busy with the baby and will not be able to entertain them or cook for them. When they send you their grocery list, remind them of that and don't buy the groceries for them. When they decline to rent a car, remind them. When they ask what's for dinner, ask them what they're cooking or say you're ordering pizza or hand them a stack of delivery menus. They DO understand, they just don't like it.

Once again, I feel so lucky that my parents are so great about this stuff. My mom did come and stay for three weeks, but she was incredibly helpful and supportive. I was glad for her help and really enjoyed the connection that we had during that time. I was sad to see her leave. But--she doesn't pout when she doesn't get what she wants, she doesn't create more work, she respects me and my choices, and she acts like a grownup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This comes up over and over again on these boards. Here is my take on your situation:

1. It does seem a little rude to say they can only stay for a few days when they will be flying cross country.

2. In my opinion you should propose the following: parents stagger their visits and can stay with you. You set very clear guidelines ahead of time though that they will not be traditional guests - you will absolutely not be catering to them. And you expect them to help out a great deal if they are staying with you during such a challenging time. If they are not up for helping, they stay in a hotel and only come by briefly to visit.

I'm sorry, but telling someone that they won't be traditional guests doesn't necessarily mean they won't be needy and demanding.

OP, stand firm. Just practice saying "No." It's important to set boundaries now, because it will set a precedent for the future. If they see they can nag you into submission now, then every year from now on, they will be doing the same thing.

Boundaries. Just tell them that this is the way you want it. They can do what they want, but you aren't up for hosting people.

I don't understand why inlaws or parents think they can make demands and invite themselves to your home. It's ridiculous. I wouldn't tolerate it.

[Anonymous]

For new poster 13:43, one approach that may work is for grandparents to come visit for 1 day when baby is born, just to meet baby, and then they go home and come back in a few weeks. This probably works with grandparents who are driving rather than flying a long distance.

You could consider asking grandparents to come when DH is going back to work, so they could theoretically be helpful with errands, etc. Depending on how much time DH is taking off, that may be a week or several after baby is born. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This comes up over and over again on these boards. Here is my take on your situation:

1. It does seem a little rude to say they can only stay for a few days when they will be flying cross country.

2. In my opinion you should propose the following: parents stagger their visits and can stay with you. You set very clear guidelines ahead of time though that they will not be traditional guests - you will absolutely not be catering to them. And you expect them to help out a great deal if they are staying with you during such a challenging time. If they are not up for helping, they stay in a hotel and only come by briefly to visit.

I'm sorry, but telling someone that they won't be traditional guests doesn't necessarily mean they won't be needy and demanding.

OP, stand firm. Just practice saying "No." It's important to set boundaries now, because it will set a precedent for the future. If they see they can nag you into submission now, then every year from now on, they will be doing the same thing.

Boundaries. Just tell them that this is the way you want it. They can do what they want, but you aren't up for hosting people.

I don't understand why inlaws or parents think they can make demands and invite themselves to your home. It's ridiculous. I wouldn't tolerate it.

Exactly.

OP, I feel your pain. When my husband told his Dad and Stepmother that we didn't want them present for the birth, but they could visit a few weeks later, they basically had a fit and didn't visit until 14 months later! In their case, it was obvious that it was all about them and what they wanted, not what we needed. And certainly, it wasn't about seeing their first grandchild. Weddings and births make people nuts.

[Anonymous]

I would tell them to not come immediately after the baby is born. Of course this will upset them but it doesn't sound like you really want them involved and find them difficult so it isn't like you are going to want them around later. You might as well make your stand now and let them know you don't see them as having an involved role and get the hurt feelings out of the way.

Seeing as they are flying across the country, a very short visit while staying in a hotel seems like an incredible waste of time and money and will only serve to make everyone madder. I would just tell them they can come at the 3 month mark or at some point down the road. Flying out here to maybe spend an hour or two a day for a few days is ridiculous. If they are wealthy and money is of no concern, then I guess they could come for a short visit.

I have no idea why you would entertain them in any way if you just had a baby. They can look after themselves or go without. I don't know why you think it would be rude to let them know that you will be occupied and won't be available to make meals. You may also be overestimating how busy you and your husband will be with the baby. You won't know this until the baby arrives but your baby may not need 2 adults attention 24/7. Some babies sleep between feeds and unless you have major complications, you don't need to be taken care all the time.

Unless they are rich, just tell them all not to come. If you were excited for your families to meet your baby or had a positive perspective on grandparents - you wouldn't just see this visit as being 100% negative, 100% annoyance and frustration. But you do. So I think it is important to let them know that. If you see their role as grandparents being coming in and staying in a hotel for a few days every year - tell them that. It will save you years of fights and frustrations due to differing expectations to just lay it out now.

[Anonymous]

Oh, dear God, OP. Do not let them come right away. I understand them wanting to help...but you really arent going to need help until week three or four. I would spin it so that you ask them to come between x time and y time. Also...space out their visits...all of them together at once is too much. Lie to them and say the doctor recommended no visitors for the first month...and make sure they all get the Tdap vaccine.

[Anonymous]

We just had baby #2, and my.parents stayed for a week due to some other family emergencies going on at the same time. My mother is THE most helpful and wonderful person you can imagine. Cleans up after herself and everyone, keeps the fridge stocked, never asks for anything, can sense when she should step back etc. But a week of anyone at all in my house is just too much.

I adore her, and miss her when she isn't here, but guests in my house after birth is far from ideal. Dad was awkward about me nursing, even while covered and facing the other way. I felt obligated to make small talk. I was hormonal. I just wanted to walk around in a nursing tank and nothing else. Going to the bathroom was a challenge. I just really needed me space and privacy.

Hotel is THE way to go, especially with multiple people involved.

[Anonymous]

My first thought was, 'is it too late to tell them the baby isn't due until late January'?

Unless they can help (which sounds doubtful), I think what you have done so far is spot on. Keep on holding your ground. I would also suggest, if you can afford it, to hire out help for the first few weeks. Someone to take care of you, so you can recover and take care of the baby (this is what my mother did- ironically she wanted to wait a at least a week before coming - she did all the cooking, shopping and laundry- she did get a few hours of holding and cooing too). DH can help too. We had DH do all the bathing - it gave him something to do that increased their bonding and was something that was "theirs".

How long will DH be able to take off with you? Remember to KISS (Keep It Simple), carry out is your friend, Peapod is your friend.......

[Anonymous]

I think some new grandmothers like to be able to tell their friends that they were needed at the birth, wanted at the birth and afterwards, and that they were SO helpful when they visited. It's a point of pride.

That said, you do not have to host them all. Stand your ground, OP.

[Anonymous]

Write them a letter or email that details what will happen at your house after the baby is born. Effusively thank them for volunteering to visit and take over household chores like laundry, meal prep, shopping, clean-up, vacuuming, etc.

Detail how ill you have been with the pregnancy and how much you might have a c section and just don't know hoe you will cope without them doing all the chores. Also it's winter so they will do the shoveling.

You will give them a list of your favorite recipes they can shop for and prpare as well as how you do the laundry. Add a list of vendors like the drycleaner, plumbers/electricians/hvac people they can call if there is a problem, where the sweeper is in the house, grocery store location, trash pick-up schedule.

Add pet care schedule.

Will they still show up? Their call.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New Poster anticipating a similar situation soon - Does anyone think its ok to ask grandparents not to visit for 1 week / 10 days? It seems like that would let my milk come in and we could get a handle on things so that when visitors show up I'll actually know what I need help with (not holding the baby) but real help like making meals and doing laundry.

If and when there's a DC#2, they could come right away to help with DC#1

It's ok to TELL grandparents what you want.

[Anonymous]

OP I +1 to pretty much everything that has already been written. Ours all came right away, stayed in hotels, and it was still stressful. One of the grandmothers got user that the other was getting more time with the baby, both tried to be "helpful" and ended up making things worse (cleaning and putting things for the baby where I couldn't locate them in my sleep deprived state). If they had stayed at our house on top of it I would've gone nuts.

Stand firm and also remind them that you will need help for some time. If they would schedule their visits consecutively instead of simultaneously it would be much more helpful.

Also, encourage the hotel. If you're planning to breast feed there's really very little they can do to help you with a newborn at 3am - at least that was my experience. And in my post partum haze it made me crazy to listen to my baby cry while someone else besidese or DH tried to comfort her. Tell them it's better they stay in a hotel so they will be well rested to help during the day