Grandparents coming in for first grandchild--tension already

[Anonymous]

My inlaws came a few days after DC#2 was born and stayed at our house for the weekend. BAD IDEA. This wasn't even my first go-round with a newborn and it was still very stressful. I will be blunt: I had cracked nipples, was bleeding badly, and was exhausted. Having company was a pain in the ass, and they were here only two days.

Also, as hard as it is with a newborn in the beginning, it's also MAGICAL. Please do not let anything take away that time and those potential memories from you. Seriously--that's reason enough to be just you and DH.

Teach them to adjust their expectations now. Good luck--and congrats!!!

[Anonymous]

Please shut it down now, OP - tell everyone (your parents, your MIL, etc.) the truth, which is that you have NO IDEA what to expect. Because of that, you're not willing to take a chance on a house full of family because you need the flexibility to handle what the postpartum period throws at you. We left the hospital with my first-born and couldn't get home because of street closures on that particular day and ended up at my parents' house "just for the night." We ended up staying there for 10 days. I needed a LOT of support, which was highly unanticipated. Just citing my point that you really have NO IDEA what will happen postpartum.
Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My in-laws came right after the baby was born and stayed about three days, which I was not crazy about but my husband totally laid down the law (especially to his dad). My MIL is a nurse, and was really helpful--she prepared all the meals, did all the cleanup, did laundry, etc., and they also ran errands for us, drove us to ped vists (we had a ew extra in the first days), etc. My FIL is a pain as a visitor, but my husband totally kept him out of my hair. Then my parents came--my dad stayed for a week and my mom for nearly a month. They were SO helpful--my husband returned to work, so I had a little company, and they ran errands, my dad did little projects around the house we hadn't had time to get to, my mom had dinner ready every night and cleaned my whole house.

BUT--I knew that my in-laws would respect what my husband told them, and I knew that my parents would be truly helpful and supportive. If I didn't know that, I would have done things differently. There's no one right way to handle grandparent visits; you have to decide (with your husband) what you want, what you can handle, etc. Then stick to that. Your husband should be running interference on this one--part of his job at this point is protecting you and the new baby in these early days. Especially if you're dealing with his parents, he needs to step up and tell them how things will be. If they won't respect that you will be exhausted and making a major adjustment, then they can't visit. Period. And any visit must be on terms with which you are comfortable. Stop hinting and discussing and just tell them what you are going to do.

This was me -- my mom drove around with me from lactation consultant to lactation consultant.
My MIL came to the hospital and then drove back home the next day.
The key is -- our families are helpful, and we knew that.
If they were not -- THEN HELL TO THE NAWHHH

[Anonymous]

OP here. Well, I just had a very negative conversation with my parents about this issue today. Am feeling really stressed and upset.

Basically they said that all their friends think it's "very weird" and "feel bad for them" that I don't want them staying with us for 3 weeks or longer to help take care of the baby after baby is born. That it makes them feel bad that all their friends feel so sorry for them because their daughter doesn't want them to help out and stay with them and that I'm the only woman ever who does not want her parents to stay for 3 weeks and help.

I tried to explain that a) I have no idea what kind of delivery I'm going to have--c section, tearing, etc. and that I'm going to be a complete mess when I get home and I really don't want to have to think about the needs of guests after giving birth while I'm trying to recover and figure out how to take care of a newborn for the first time, b) that I have a very helpful husband who is capable of doing everything, and c) in the past when they have visited they have been very high maintenance guests who need their creature comforts just so and so staying in a hotel at this time would make the most sense.

What I didn't mention is that I also don't want to hear jugments/criticisms of how my housekeeping sucks, that I don't have the food they like, that they're bored, etc. Last time they visited that's all I heard.

My father got on the phone and screamed at me, and I just tried to stay calm and didn't yell back.

I just feel stressed and upset. My parents can only see things from their perspective, it seems.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry. That sounds awful. I would tell my dad that if he thinks he can scream at me to get what he wants then for SURE he's not invited in my home.

[Anonymous]

Ok, OP -- I am giving you your Christmas present early: permission to decline to engage with your parents on this.

"Mom, Dad, we've already talked about this. I've heard your side, you've heard mine. I've made my decision. I'm sorry if you disagree, but I'm not going to talk about it any more. How's the weather where you are?" If they bring it up again, "Mom, Dad, I love you, but I told you, I'm not discussing this. I'll talk to you later. Goodbye." Click.

Happy holidays. Enjoy.

[Anonymous]

Oy. Good call not letting them come OP, if they're going to be this level of asshole about it.

I hope you don't believe the bit about having a very capable husband who can do everything, though. That's a lot to live up to and to expect. Appropriate for fronting to your jerk parents but ALL new parents can use good help...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: OP here. Well, I just had a very negative conversation with my parents about this issue today. Am feeling really stressed and upset.

Basically they said that all their friends think it's "very weird" and "feel bad for them" that I don't want them staying with us for 3 weeks or longer to help take care of the baby after baby is born. That it makes them feel bad that all their friends feel so sorry for them because their daughter doesn't want them to help out and stay with them and that I'm the only woman ever who does not want her parents to stay for 3 weeks and help.

I tried to explain that a) I have no idea what kind of delivery I'm going to have--c section, tearing, etc. and that I'm going to be a complete mess when I get home and I really don't want to have to think about the needs of guests after giving birth while I'm trying to recover and figure out how to take care of a newborn for the first time, b) that I have a very helpful husband who is capable of doing everything, and c) in the past when they have visited they have been very high maintenance guests who need their creature comforts just so and so staying in a hotel at this time would make the most sense.

What I didn't mention is that I also don't want to hear jugments/criticisms of how my housekeeping sucks, that I don't have the food they like, that they're bored, etc. Last time they visited that's all I heard.

My father got on the phone and screamed at me, and I just tried to stay calm and didn't yell back.

I just feel stressed and upset. My parents can only see things from their perspective, it seems.

Your parents have no business staying with you right after delivery if they are high maintenance. There is no way I would have a father around me who threw a temper tantrum just because they are trying to keep face with their friends. No means no. Your house, your rules. You need to focus on parenting your new little one and your parents need to grow up.

[Anonymous]

OP - Now you know the truth. Your parents care more about what their friends think than your welfare. Proceed accordingly and keep growing that back bone.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I got that crap from my mother after DC#1 was born and I buckled. Wish I hadn't. OP: PLEASE get some rest and do something nice for yourself this weekend.

[Anonymous]

I am praying for you OP. I think it is awful your dad yelled at you. I know that must of hurt. I would not call them again. Email them when you are rested and state your case.

[Anonymous]

Wow, what an ass. He screamed at you because he didn't get his way? Way to convince you that he'd be helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP, your dad just verified that you made the right decision.

Also, I know no one who has had their parents come for three weeks. What a crock!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - Now you know the truth. Your parents care more about what their friends think than your welfare. Proceed accordingly and keep growing that back bone.

Good luck.

+1000 Sounds like your mama bear instincts have kicked in!

[Anonymous]

OP, why isn't your DH taking time off work when the baby is born?
If he is, have HIM deal with the MIL.