Grandparents coming in for first grandchild--tension already

[Anonymous]

I think if I were you I'd wait a week after the baby is born before telling them the baby is here. If they ask just say you're overdue.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice just empathy. It was he'll dealing with visiting ILs and their insistence on being at our house the day of (had planned c section both times). Not only did they not lift a finger I was cleaning up after them. That on top of deals with babies, pain and recovery, and hormones probably stopped me from having a third. Never forgave them for their utter selfishness.

[Anonymous]

OP, who gives a fuck what their friends think? Jeezus, could they be more selfish? I agree with PPs who said it's time to disengage and to control the info about when the baby arrives. If you have more to say to your parents, email them so you don't have to hear their garbage. It's understandable that grandparents want to meet the baby, but if they were good parents to you they'd make your life easier in whatever way possible.

Stand firm and do what you need to. This experience is first and foremost about you, and your DH and the baby. Let the grandparents come for a shorter visit after you, DH, and the baby settle in to a routine. Good luck, OP! Keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

Hang in there OP. Bottom line - my boobs are going to be out trying to figure out how to nurse. That first week (especially) is critical. We need privacy to work on that and learn how to take care of our baby.

[Anonymous]

Don't let them come. Don't do anything that upsets you - you need to be at peace. I let my MIL come after the birth of #2. Even though she has never been a helpful guest, I convinced myself that she would be, this time, since anyone visiting a family with a toddler and new baby would be. Right? No. She was not helpful, she was a PITA as always, and our relationship has been strained ever since. Before that visit, we had some pleasant moments. It's been more than five years and I haven't forgiven her. I don't actively think about it much, but I can never trust her for one moment again.

[Anonymous]

OP, plenty of us have had c-section recoveries with only our husbands to help. My IL's would have been nothing but stress, and my mother is not capable. Your parents' friends are not at all an accurate sample set.

Funny enough, if your parents had any
Cooing skills other than manipulating you, they could spin their disappointment into bragging rights with their friends: "Oh, we raised our daughter to be independent and self-sufficient, so she isn't dependent on us. We an enjoy our grandchild after she and her husband have gotten into their own routine, isn't that great?"

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I would stop answering their calls. Keep your door locked. Do your own plan and go completely off the radar. Have your DH cover for you if they absolutely will not stop calling but do not have another conversation with them about this, and please try for the moment to forget that they exist. Take baths, listen to calming music, whatever the heck will relax you and just focus on getting to the end goal of a healthy mom and healthy baby.

Your Dad threw a tantrum and screamed at you because he didn't get his way? Eff that noise. Your job, your loyalty is to your immediate family. Protect yourself. Protect your baby. Protect your DH. If you are all on board with your plan, then there is no more need for discussion with outside parties. They do not get a say. If they insist on having a say, then you cut off forms of communication until your baby is in your arms and you are actually living through this change in your life and will have a better feel for what you can handle from such selfish relatives.

Put your feet up and enjoy Christmas. Send out baby announcement cards when you are ready for people to come and visit, and only allow them to stay in a hotel, far, far, away from you. Wait until you have enough strength and conviction to calmly enforce this (i.e. NOT when you are figuring out breastfeeding, or exhausted, or worrying about your C-section incision, or starving, or worrying about the disarray of your house, or beyond sleep deprived). These things are all normal. You WILL sort it out. You can do it! Get into a rhythm, and then deal with the crazies.

Wishing you a stress-free birth. Don't think about this. Just think about getting you and your baby to the finish line. You can do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This comes up over and over again on these boards. Here is my take on your situation:

1. It does seem a little rude to say they can only stay for a few days when they will be flying cross country.

2. In my opinion you should propose the following: parents stagger their visits and can stay with you. You set very clear guidelines ahead of time though that they will not be traditional guests - you will absolutely not be catering to them. And you expect them to help out a great deal if they are staying with you during such a challenging time. If they are not up for helping, they stay in a hotel and only come by briefly to visit.

OP here. I hear what you're saying but wouldn't it also be a bit rude to "insist" that they be helpful during their stay, since that has not been how our visits have gone in the past, where they've always expected to be catered to? Can I really say "you can only stay with us if you're willing to help out and give me my privacy when needed" (to breastfeed, for instance). My husband is super helpful and is capable of taking care of everything else while I take care of the baby.

As for the idea of staggering their visits, that is a good idea but who gets to come first? My parents would like to visit me in the hospital with the baby, but MIL also wants to see her first grandchild ASAP. So not sure how that would work since both are coming in from far distances.

You also tell them that you need time to bond and adjust. I'd suggest they come out when the baby is 6weeks or so old.