Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?

[Anonymous]

Long post … but basically, I am trying to gauge whether my hurt feelings is warranted. Would you be upset you if your parent(s) plan to completely cut you out of any inheritance, and leave it to your children (their grandchildren) instead of you?

To give some background … My mother finally admitted to me (although I always had a feeling) that she is planning on leaving most of her inheritance to my children, some to her sisters, and absolutely none to me because she does not like my husband. I understand her ill feelings towards my husband, who at times can be selfish; however, I am very hurt that she is completely cutting me out since I have remained close to her and for the most part we get along. I am the only child. I talk to her at least a couple times a week and see her at least once a week. I know she wants me to see her more, but I work full-time so it is difficult for me. My concern wrt the inheritance distribution is … my DD, my oldest who is in college, currently is very materialistic (example: She has at least 5x more designer purses than me, and she always has my mom buy or give her things). She very rarely calls my mom. I am closer to my mom than she is. My other two children are very young (beginnings of elementary school). I hope they grow responsibly, but time will tell. I would hate to see my mother’s inheritance spent irresponsibly or unappreciatively.

Although I am currently financially stable, we have always been on a tight budget. Up until recently we had full-time childcare expenses and we fully paid for my daughters education ($160k+). In future, we may have 2 more college expenses as well. My mother has never helped with neither my DD nor my own education expenses, nor would I expect her to. I would love to be a stay-at-home mom, but I have to work for my family’s health insurance and if I didn’t work we would not be able to pay for my DD’s college. I made a lot of sacrifices for the grandkids she loves. I love her as well. But I have always felt she was sadistic towards me. I think her intentions validate she doesn’t really love me. I have never asked her for money. She has always given my children more than me, which I have greatly appreciated. But when she passes, friends and relatives will question why she cut me out of her Will when we seemed so close. Yes, I did confront her wrt my feelings, and she said I was just jealous so she would just leave everything to charity so I wouldn’t be jealous of my own kids. Am I wrong to be utterly hurt by this?

[Anonymous]

Nope. Her money her choice. I think its nice she is leaving it to YOUR children which enables them an easier life. My parents left 1.8 million dollars to a University, leaving my siblings all with 10 grand each. I loved my parents and really respect their choice.

[Anonymous]

If you are honestly worried about your kids not spending the money well, then ask for it to be put into trust until they are older (or, I know some lawyers who suggest leaving it in trust indefinitely).

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you and your husband have a lot in common.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP - her money and her choice, and you've said that you understand her feelings about your DH (a situation which sucks for you, BTW, and I'm sorry).

I think it's perfectly reasonable for you to talk with your mother and tell her how much you appreciate what she'll be giving to your daughter, but express your concerns and ask if there's a way for you to work with your mother to make the gift the most beneficial to her granddaughter in the long run.

Could be put in a trust, could be provided over time based on your daughter meeting certain criteria (or it goes to charity or some other recipient) and so on.

This is your mother's legacy to your daughter - don't make it something that divides you and your mother.

[Anonymous]

Nope - my parents are leaving all their money to my daughter and my brother's son (in a trust). My grandmother left all her money to my brother and I.

My parents are still alive, but the trust is set up that my daughter will be able to access some of the money for college, some of the money at 20 and the rest of the trust at 30.

I don't think I should have any say in my parents money - and my brother and I have told my parents NOT to tell the kids about the money, so they don't know its coming.

We make our own way in life - and shouldn't plan on the work (or money) of others.

[Anonymous]

It's hard to tell, but from what you've written, it sounds like your mother uses her money to punish - or at least feel superior to - you.

I think you'd be best served to let it go. Entirely and all of it. It's her money, her choice, and I think it's hard to tell what she is really doing, if she's just saying these things to needle you. I am certain it is hurtful that your mother buys your children things and not you, but again, I really think you need to come to peace with it.

You can't change your mom. You can only change your reaction. When she brings up money, change the subject. When she talks about her will, tell her mom, it's your money and your choice.

Maybe throw in there, mom, I come to see you and spend time with you because I love you, not your money. Let's not be unpleasant. And change the subject. Simply do not engage with her on the topic, and certainly not on the topic of your children's wants or needs.

Maybe your mom wants to hear that you see her no matter how much money she has.

Your mother may live another 20 years - and or her health may cause her to go through all her savings, leaving nothing. Isn't this a silly thing to fret over now?

Let it go, and free yourself of this burden.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are honestly worried about your kids not spending the money well, then ask for it to be put into trust until they are older (or, I know some lawyers who suggest leaving it in trust indefinitely).

+1

Also, to answer your question: Yes, I would be upset.

[Anonymous]

Well, I come from a country where by law you have to will the bulk of your estate to your next of kin.

With that bias, I would absolutely feel snubbed and hurt if I were in your shoes!

Accept you feel ambivalent towards your mother in order to move on, which will allow you to propose...
a trust for the grandchildren. VERY important, so that they avoid blowing through the money before they realize how much hard work it will take to earn the same amount.

Do not let up on your mother about this. Say:
"If you do not want to will it to me personally (so that my husband cannot lay his hands on it), then do the right thing and will it RESPONSIBLY to the grandkids, via a trust, and appoint certain administrators (hopefully me!)."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are honestly worried about your kids not spending the money well, then ask for it to be put into trust until they are older (or, I know some lawyers who suggest leaving it in trust indefinitely).

+1

The hurt and the worry about your daughter not spending wisely are two different issues. You need to move past the hurt, period. Her money, her choice. But it is absolutely reasonable to ask that restrictions be placed on the dispensing of money.

[Anonymous]

I'd be hurt because of the emotional aspect. But also do not expect inheritance. It's complex, but these things always are.

[Anonymous]

Better than leaving a huge amount of money to her pets!

[Anonymous]

Your mom sounds like a piece of work.

Why do you let your daughter buy designer bags while you pay for her college? That is YOUR failure in parenting. You are not doing her any favors by letting her do that. If she wants the designer bags then she can pay for school and if your mom wants to buy them for her then your mother can pay for some school related expenses instead. Please fix YOUR parenting issues vis a via your daughter --- signed someone with tons of designer bags that I bought after I had a REAL job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long post … but basically, I am trying to gauge whether my hurt feelings is warranted. Would you be upset you if your parent(s) plan to completely cut you out of any inheritance, and leave it to your children (their grandchildren) instead of you?

To give some background … My mother finally admitted to me (although I always had a feeling) that she is planning on leaving most of her inheritance to my children, some to her sisters, and absolutely none to me because she does not like my husband. I understand her ill feelings towards my husband, who at times can be selfish; however, I am very hurt that she is completely cutting me out since I have remained close to her and for the most part we get along. I am the only child. I talk to her at least a couple times a week and see her at least once a week. I know she wants me to see her more, but I work full-time so it is difficult for me. My concern wrt the inheritance distribution is … my DD, my oldest who is in college, currently is very materialistic (example: She has at least 5x more designer purses than me, and she always has my mom buy or give her things). She very rarely calls my mom. I am closer to my mom than she is. My other two children are very young (beginnings of elementary school). I hope they grow responsibly, but time will tell. I would hate to see my mother’s inheritance spent irresponsibly or unappreciatively.

Although I am currently financially stable, we have always been on a tight budget. Up until recently we had full-time childcare expenses and we fully paid for my daughters education ($160k+). In future, we may have 2 more college expenses as well. My mother has never helped with neither my DD nor my own education expenses, nor would I expect her to. I would love to be a stay-at-home mom, but I have to work for my family’s health insurance and if I didn’t work we would not be able to pay for my DD’s college. I made a lot of sacrifices for the grandkids she loves. I love her as well. But I have always felt she was sadistic towards me. I think her intentions validate she doesn’t really love me. I have never asked her for money. She has always given my children more than me, which I have greatly appreciated. But when she passes, friends and relatives will question why she cut me out of her Will when we seemed so close. Yes, I did confront her wrt my feelings, and she said I was just jealous so she would just leave everything to charity so I wouldn’t be jealous of my own kids. Am I wrong to be utterly hurt by this?

This sentence alone should be sending you into therapy. I mean nothing snide by that. I mean that you really should be in therapy to deal with this if that is what this means to you.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I'd be upset if I was cut out entirely.