Would you be upset if parent's inheritance went to your kids instead of you?

[Anonymous]

MIL plans to do this. It bothers me a little because she is a big saver but has done so by expecting DH (only child) to always treat her and cover her expenses. For example, we traveled to a family wedding when we were in our early 20s just starting out and somehow wound up paying for their hotel room and all meals out over 3 days. On top of that, it may be expensive taking care of her. We’ve taken a lot of care to provide for our kids including expenses like college that we ourselves had funded through loans. I also prefer that our kids don’t enter adulthood with a full bank account. I think needing to work builds character.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long post … but basically, I am trying to gauge whether my hurt feelings is warranted. Would you be upset you if your parent(s) plan to completely cut you out of any inheritance, and leave it to your children (their grandchildren) instead of you?

To give some background … My mother finally admitted to me (although I always had a feeling) that she is planning on leaving most of her inheritance to my children, some to her sisters, and absolutely none to me because she does not like my husband. I understand her ill feelings towards my husband, who at times can be selfish; however, I am very hurt that she is completely cutting me out since I have remained close to her and for the most part we get along. I am the only child. I talk to her at least a couple times a week and see her at least once a week. I know she wants me to see her more, but I work full-time so it is difficult for me. My concern wrt the inheritance distribution is … my DD, my oldest who is in college, currently is very materialistic (example: She has at least 5x more designer purses than me, and she always has my mom buy or give her things). She very rarely calls my mom. I am closer to my mom than she is. My other two children are very young (beginnings of elementary school). I hope they grow responsibly, but time will tell. I would hate to see my mother’s inheritance spent irresponsibly or unappreciatively.

Although I am currently financially stable, we have always been on a tight budget. Up until recently we had full-time childcare expenses and we fully paid for my daughters education ($160k+). In future, we may have 2 more college expenses as well. My mother has never helped with neither my DD nor my own education expenses, nor would I expect her to. I would love to be a stay-at-home mom, but I have to work for my family’s health insurance and if I didn’t work we would not be able to pay for my DD’s college. I made a lot of sacrifices for the grandkids she loves. I love her as well. But I have always felt she was sadistic towards me. I think her intentions validate she doesn’t really love me. I have never asked her for money. She has always given my children more than me, which I have greatly appreciated. But when she passes, friends and relatives will question why she cut me out of her Will when we seemed so close. Yes, I did confront her wrt my feelings, and she said I was just jealous so she would just leave everything to charity so I wouldn’t be jealous of my own kids. Am I wrong to be utterly hurt by this?

Yes. I would not be upset about this at all. Put the inheritance in a trust so your kids cannot touch it till they are 35+ and get a sensible head on their shoulders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL plans to do this. It bothers me a little because she is a big saver but has done so by expecting DH (only child) to always treat her and cover her expenses. For example, we traveled to a family wedding when we were in our early 20s just starting out and somehow wound up paying for their hotel room and all meals out over 3 days. On top of that, it may be expensive taking care of her. We’ve taken a lot of care to provide for our kids including expenses like college that we ourselves had funded through loans. I also prefer that our kids don’t enter adulthood with a full bank account. I think needing to work builds character.

You sound horribly entitled. I wouldn’t give you my money either!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:MIL plans to do this. It bothers me a little because she is a big saver but has done so by expecting DH (only child) to always treat her and cover her expenses. For example, we traveled to a family wedding when we were in our early 20s just starting out and somehow wound up paying for their hotel room and all meals out over 3 days. On top of that, it may be expensive taking care of her. We’ve taken a lot of care to provide for our kids including expenses like college that we ourselves had funded through loans. I also prefer that our kids don’t enter adulthood with a full bank account. I think needing to work builds character.

You sound horribly entitled. I wouldn’t give you my money either!

how is she entitled? her MIL looks seems to be an ass.

[Anonymous]

I'd be glad my kids were getting a cushion. It would take some of the burden off me also, as I would feel like I wouldn't have to be as cautious with my money, knowing they were getting a safety net from their grandmother so it wasn't entirely up to me to leave them with one.

[Anonymous]

I elected to have my inheritance passed directly to my kids because I didn't need the money and my kids are smart, young married adults with children and can use the money. But I can definitely understand why someone might be very upset if they needed the money and if their kids were too young to use it responsibly and wisely.

[Anonymous]

You have literally nothing to be upset about, because it is not yours. An adult of sound mind can leave their entire estate to children, or grandchildren, or a charity, or a university...or a cat.

What with it being their money and all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd be glad my kids were getting a cushion. It would take some of the burden off me also, as I would feel like I wouldn't have to be as cautious with my money, knowing they were getting a safety net from their grandmother so it wasn't entirely up to me to leave them with one.

This is a healthy perspective.

[Anonymous]

That’s exactly what my mom did. My siblings and I were absolutely fine with it. We lost our mom...money wasn’t going to help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'd be glad my kids were getting a cushion. It would take some of the burden off me also, as I would feel like I wouldn't have to be as cautious with my money, knowing they were getting a safety net from their grandmother so it wasn't entirely up to me to leave them with one.

This is a healthy perspective.

Agree. And if it happened to cover their college/grad school tuitions, I'd be pretty thrilled. That would be a win win.

[Anonymous]

Fully expect any meager inheritance to skip me and go directly to my DS. We live in a family where kids take care of parents, not the other way around- so, I had a crappy, neglectful upbringing and my mom now can't understand why I don't choose to live near her, drive her around, and give her money.

[Anonymous]

I have suggested to my mom to leave my piece of in heritable to an education trust for my child. My husband and I have factored in getting zero dollars from our families. If we don’t expect anything then we won’t get disappointed. We have seen firsthand how quickly assets get drained if a person has to go into a nursing home.

[Anonymous]

I would not be upset about the money, but I woukd be upset about the reason. It is her money, but it is a hurtful move. She is using it to punish you for your voice of husband.

And I would encourage her to set thecmoey up for your kids so that they get it in stages.

[Anonymous]

Op,

My MIL used to give my husband treasury bonds every year, and have them designated so that they went to my husbands brother if he died. I did not care about the money. But the message was very clear. It was hurtful and petty. But at least it was being done to her DIL, not her own child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Long post … but basically, I am trying to gauge whether my hurt feelings is warranted. Would you be upset you if your parent(s) plan to completely cut you out of any inheritance, and leave it to your children (their grandchildren) instead of you?

To give some background … My mother finally admitted to me (although I always had a feeling) that she is planning on leaving most of her inheritance to my children, some to her sisters, and absolutely none to me because she does not like my husband. I understand her ill feelings towards my husband, who at times can be selfish; however, I am very hurt that she is completely cutting me out since I have remained close to her and for the most part we get along. I am the only child. I talk to her at least a couple times a week and see her at least once a week. I know she wants me to see her more, but I work full-time so it is difficult for me. My concern wrt the inheritance distribution is … my DD, my oldest who is in college, currently is very materialistic (example: She has at least 5x more designer purses than me, and she always has my mom buy or give her things). She very rarely calls my mom. I am closer to my mom than she is. My other two children are very young (beginnings of elementary school). I hope they grow responsibly, but time will tell. I would hate to see my mother’s inheritance spent irresponsibly or unappreciatively.

Although I am currently financially stable, we have always been on a tight budget. Up until recently we had full-time childcare expenses and we fully paid for my daughters education ($160k+). In future, we may have 2 more college expenses as well. My mother has never helped with neither my DD nor my own education expenses, nor would I expect her to. I would love to be a stay-at-home mom, but I have to work for my family’s health insurance and if I didn’t work we would not be able to pay for my DD’s college. I made a lot of sacrifices for the grandkids she loves. I love her as well. But I have always felt she was sadistic towards me. I think her intentions validate she doesn’t really love me. I have never asked her for money. She has always given my children more than me, which I have greatly appreciated. But when she passes, friends and relatives will question why she cut me out of her Will when we seemed so close. Yes, I did confront her wrt my feelings, and she said I was just jealous so she would just leave everything to charity so I wouldn’t be jealous of my own kids. Am I wrong to be utterly hurt by this?

OP, no way would I be hurt if my parents or ILs left an inheritance to my DC! I would be upset if there was unequal distribution in between grandchildren, however. You are a grown adult who is launched OP - you don't "need" the money.