Weird situation with new neighbor from high school - WWYD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this woman is concerning.

OP said she doesn't remember this woman past a vague recollection. This woman ZEROED IN ON OP's KIDS and made a very bizarre allegation against their mom.

Not sure how you'd handle a loon like new neighbor. She sounds like a mental case. She's going to spread facts and history about OP all over the neighborhood, and no telling how far she might carry her campaign.

Went ahead and fixed that typo for you.

Scary neighbor on. OP ignore and grey rock her

+1 if you are a mean girl OP game tf on. She came in blazing for you and your kids. Take her down several notches. Tuh

How do you know that? Is everyone out to hurt you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP if your story is true and she approached your children.

That person is insane stay away. Ignore do not ingage.

Tell your children to be careful around her.

This thread is bizzare. If the woman has a beef with OP then fine take it up with OP but to approach her children means she's got a screw loose and why in the world should OP engage?

While i understand some bullies in HS are awful we have no idea what really transpired then, but we do know the HS person talked to children, who the H doese that?

So, ignore the woman who is carrying around a grudge for year (and obviously has let it fester)... that's a good idea.
As it has now been brought up multiple times in the short time she has been here, this is not something that will be just forgotten:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just one thing. If the woman is still struggling with whatever scars she has from high school--some people get past those by the time they're 30, some never do, some fall in the middle--her comment to the kids may not have been calculated so much as her emotions jumping to the forefront in that moment.

I agree that the new neighbor needs help - but so does OP.

Why? For what? How on earth do you know that? Crazy amount of projection.

Projection for what? OP is carrying on her high school behavior, and so is the neighbor. In what world is that okay? You sound off. You deflecting/denying makes you sound more off.

How on earth is she carrying on like she is in high school? Point out the parts of her post that do that. You’re off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just one thing. If the woman is still struggling with whatever scars she has from high school--some people get past those by the time they're 30, some never do, some fall in the middle--her comment to the kids may not have been calculated so much as her emotions jumping to the forefront in that moment.

I agree that the new neighbor needs help - but so does OP.

Why? For what? How on earth do you know that? Crazy amount of projection.

Projection for what? OP is carrying on her high school behavior, and so is the neighbor. In what world is that okay? You sound off. You deflecting/denying makes you sound more off.

How on earth is she carrying on like she is in high school? Point out the parts of her post that do that. You’re off.

OP is making a big deal out of it, so is the neighbor. If you don't see that, you are hopeless.

Neither party is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just one thing. If the woman is still struggling with whatever scars she has from high school--some people get past those by the time they're 30, some never do, some fall in the middle--her comment to the kids may not have been calculated so much as her emotions jumping to the forefront in that moment.

I agree that the new neighbor needs help - but so does OP.

Why? For what? How on earth do you know that? Crazy amount of projection.

Projection for what? OP is carrying on her high school behavior, and so is the neighbor. In what world is that okay? You sound off. You deflecting/denying makes you sound more off.

How on earth is she carrying on like she is in high school? Point out the parts of her post that do that. You’re off.

OP is making a big deal out of it, so is the neighbor. If you don't see that, you are hopeless.


You’re beyond ridiculous. This woman went up to OP’s children and said OP was terrible to her. Her husband came up to OP’s husband and said something similar. The woman was odd and brought it up to OP snd her friend when they ran in to each other. OP thinks this is weird. Who TF wouldn’t think this was weird and strange? Absolutely anyone. She’s not making a big deal out of it, FFS.
Neither party is right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just one thing. If the woman is still struggling with whatever scars she has from high school--some people get past those by the time they're 30, some never do, some fall in the middle--her comment to the kids may not have been calculated so much as her emotions jumping to the forefront in that moment.

I agree that the new neighbor needs help - but so does OP.

Why? For what? How on earth do you know that? Crazy amount of projection.

Projection for what? OP is carrying on her high school behavior, and so is the neighbor. In what world is that okay? You sound off. You deflecting/denying makes you sound more off.

How on earth is she carrying on like she is in high school? Point out the parts of her post that do that. You’re off.

OP is making a big deal out of it, so is the neighbor. If you don't see that, you are hopeless.

Neither party is right.

You’re beyond ridiculous. This woman went up to OP’s children and said OP was terrible to her. Her husband came up to OP’s husband and said something similar. The woman was odd and brought it up to OP snd her friend when they ran in to each other. OP thinks this is weird. Who TF wouldn’t think this was weird and strange? Absolutely anyone. She’s not making a big deal out of it, FFS. She’s having a completely normal reaction of being somewhat concerned. What do you think is an event worth noting? I’m guessing nobody else would agree with you, so it’s really irrelevant. You’re way way too obtuse.

[Anonymous]

Did OP peak in high school? It has to be a ding to her ego that she lives in the same neighborhood as some uncool lesser class outcast classmate she can’t remember tormenting 20 to 30 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just one thing. If the woman is still struggling with whatever scars she has from high school--some people get past those by the time they're 30, some never do, some fall in the middle--her comment to the kids may not have been calculated so much as her emotions jumping to the forefront in that moment.

I agree that the new neighbor needs help - but so does OP.

Why? For what? How on earth do you know that? Crazy amount of projection.

Projection for what? OP is carrying on her high school behavior, and so is the neighbor. In what world is that okay? You sound off. You deflecting/denying makes you sound more off.

How on earth is she carrying on like she is in high school? Point out the parts of her post that do that. You’re off.

OP is making a big deal out of it, so is the neighbor. If you don't see that, you are hopeless.

Neither party is right.

How do some of you function? You are socially clueless. And answer the question, what is OP doing to carry on like an emotionally unstable loon like neighbor?

[Anonymous]

OP refuses to come back and post updates bc she recognizes she’s a mean gurl

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP refuses to come back and post updates bc she recognizes she’s a mean gurl

Grow up. And stop being such a misogynist.
OP is an adult and a mother. She’s not a “mean girl”. Bullying is not “mean girl” behavior. Stop
Perpetuating stupid stereotypes.

[Anonymous]

I once saw a Facebook post by an old classmate of mine claiming she was bullied in high school. Except... no, she was the one who bullied people. She literally snapped my glasses in half one day. I avoided her like the plague. She avoided consequences because her rich Dad showed up and threatened people.

So everyone assuming the OP must have done something wrong hasn't encountered crazy before.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if OP actually bullied the girl she'd remember it. Don't you remember who was called which names in your school? I could tell you to this day.

More likely that OP (and her friends) excluded and ignored the girl, which hurt her feelings. Maybe they even dismissed her in a mean way when she tried to join their group, or said she wasn't their friend. In this case I wouldn't be surprised if OP has no recollection but the other girl is scarred.

And even if OP called her a pig-face, shoved her in a locker, and left gum on her seat - going up to OP's minor children with this is out of line and unhinged.

Excluding and ignoring is bullying. Look up relational aggression. This sort of bullying is incredibly painful and dangerous. And, because people like you dismiss it as normal, it’s more likely to lead to the kind of trauma that might cause someone serious mental health issues, including PTSD that could lead someone to behave as this woman has. I’m not justifying this woman’s choice to involve OP’s kids— that’s 100% not okay. But the idea that OP didn’t bully because she didn’t call this woman a name is silly.

Relational aggression is brutal. Humans are social pack animals. Exclusion, ostracism, and isolation can result in intense feelings if fear and shame. Especially during teen years when emotions are heightened due to hormonal shifts and people often lack emotional coping skills (which we only recently started teaching children with more intention). There are people who have committed or attempted suicide because of relational aggression— being the subject of hurtful rumors, being excluded without explanation, the sort of passive-aggressive cruelty that teen girls are often experts at (the backhanded compliment, sh*t stirring gossip). That can feel far worse than being called a name or shoved in a locker, which is much more likely to inspire adults to get involved or result in the bully being held accountable.

So the solution is what? Invite everyone to everything? Never say no to an acquaintances advances or overtures? This isn’t realistic or advisable. Something is off with the neighbor and even teenage OP sensed it. Are we not to trust our own instincts anymore lest we exclude someone?

If you think your options are "invite everyone" or engage in cliquish, exclusive behavior, then that's the problem. There is a middle ground where people select their own social groups without excluding and ostracizing people.

The difference is in how you handle it. If you are having a party and only inviting some people from school/work/the neighborhood, then don't talk about that party all the time with people who aren't invited. And in HS, exclusive and cliquish behavior often takes the form of refusing to work on group projects with someone outside your group, or excluding kids at school events where everyone actually is invited. No one is suggesting that you have to be friends with everyone. There's also a difference between saying "Yeah, Helen and I aren't really friends. I don't know her that well," and "Helen sucks, oh my go I hope she doesn't come to this party. Have you noticed how her hair is always a little... greasy? Yuck."

A lot of adults lack these skills too so they don't call out this behavior in kids (plus many adults are plagued by the same insecurities that cause this kind of in group/out group behavior in teens, and will project their insecurities onto their kids, often making it worse). But that doesn't mean it's okay or that it's not hurtful. Especially because often the way these cliques form is that kids with existing social advantages (money, good looks, excel in school or sports, etc.) gravitate towards each other. Which is fine and normal! But they should also be learning kindness and humility so that hanging out with their friends doesn't have to be a performative activity they do specifically to make others jealous.

I know this will fall on deaf ears and I'll be told this is unreasonable. But it's actually fundamental to a functional society -- if you treat people as though they don't deserve basic kindness and respect, don't be surprised when they do weird or uncomfortable things like tell your kids that you bullied them in school. It's a classic "fk around and find out" situation. OP is finding out.

Um. People from my work talk about parties all the time that only some were invited to. Nobody’s going up to anybody’s kids crying about it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think this woman is concerning.

OP said she doesn't remember this woman past a vague recollection. This woman ZEROED IN ON OP's KIDS and made a very bizarre allegation against their mom.

Not sure how you'd handle a loon like new neighbor. She sounds like a mental case. She's going to spread facts and history about OP all over the neighborhood, and no telling how far she might carry her campaign.

Went ahead and fixed that typo for you.

Scary neighbor on. OP ignore and grey rock her

+1 if you are a mean girl OP game tf on. She came in blazing for you and your kids. Take her down several notches. Tuh

How do you know that? Is everyone out to hurt you?

How does she know them?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if OP actually bullied the girl she'd remember it. Don't you remember who was called which names in your school? I could tell you to this day.

More likely that OP (and her friends) excluded and ignored the girl, which hurt her feelings. Maybe they even dismissed her in a mean way when she tried to join their group, or said she wasn't their friend. In this case I wouldn't be surprised if OP has no recollection but the other girl is scarred.

And even if OP called her a pig-face, shoved her in a locker, and left gum on her seat - going up to OP's minor children with this is out of line and unhinged.

Excluding and ignoring is bullying. Look up relational aggression. This sort of bullying is incredibly painful and dangerous. And, because people like you dismiss it as normal, it’s more likely to lead to the kind of trauma that might cause someone serious mental health issues, including PTSD that could lead someone to behave as this woman has. I’m not justifying this woman’s choice to involve OP’s kids— that’s 100% not okay. But the idea that OP didn’t bully because she didn’t call this woman a name is silly.

Relational aggression is brutal. Humans are social pack animals. Exclusion, ostracism, and isolation can result in intense feelings if fear and shame. Especially during teen years when emotions are heightened due to hormonal shifts and people often lack emotional coping skills (which we only recently started teaching children with more intention). There are people who have committed or attempted suicide because of relational aggression— being the subject of hurtful rumors, being excluded without explanation, the sort of passive-aggressive cruelty that teen girls are often experts at (the backhanded compliment, sh*t stirring gossip). That can feel far worse than being called a name or shoved in a locker, which is much more likely to inspire adults to get involved or result in the bully being held accountable.

How are you not embarrassed to type out this ridiculous, melodramatic word salad?

News flash: You are entitled to no one’s attention or “inclusion.” Not in high school. Not ever. Nobody. Is. Required. To. Spend. Time. With. You. Or. Be. Your. Friend.

Now spout some predictable tear jerking crap about “found the bully!” “gaslighting!”

High school was 20-30 years ago. If you need therapy, get it, but I promise you, the vindication of some imaginary day of reckoning these professional victims are holding out for is never coming. Meanwhile, the minutes of your adult life continue to tick away even as you continue to waste them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if OP actually bullied the girl she'd remember it. Don't you remember who was called which names in your school? I could tell you to this day.

More likely that OP (and her friends) excluded and ignored the girl, which hurt her feelings. Maybe they even dismissed her in a mean way when she tried to join their group, or said she wasn't their friend. In this case I wouldn't be surprised if OP has no recollection but the other girl is scarred.

And even if OP called her a pig-face, shoved her in a locker, and left gum on her seat - going up to OP's minor children with this is out of line and unhinged.

Excluding and ignoring is bullying. Look up relational aggression. This sort of bullying is incredibly painful and dangerous. And, because people like you dismiss it as normal, it’s more likely to lead to the kind of trauma that might cause someone serious mental health issues, including PTSD that could lead someone to behave as this woman has. I’m not justifying this woman’s choice to involve OP’s kids— that’s 100% not okay. But the idea that OP didn’t bully because she didn’t call this woman a name is silly.

Relational aggression is brutal. Humans are social pack animals. Exclusion, ostracism, and isolation can result in intense feelings if fear and shame. Especially during teen years when emotions are heightened due to hormonal shifts and people often lack emotional coping skills (which we only recently started teaching children with more intention). There are people who have committed or attempted suicide because of relational aggression— being the subject of hurtful rumors, being excluded without explanation, the sort of passive-aggressive cruelty that teen girls are often experts at (the backhanded compliment, sh*t stirring gossip). That can feel far worse than being called a name or shoved in a locker, which is much more likely to inspire adults to get involved or result in the bully being held accountable.

How are you not embarrassed to type out this ridiculous, melodramatic word salad?

News flash: You are entitled to no one’s attention or “inclusion.” Not in high school. Not ever. Nobody. Is. Required. To. Spend. Time. With. You. Or. Be. Your. Friend.

Now spout some predictable tear jerking crap about “found the bully!” “gaslighting!”

High school was 20-30 years ago. If you need therapy, get it, but I promise you, the vindication of some imaginary day of reckoning these professional victims are holding out for is never coming. Meanwhile, the minutes of your adult life continue to tick away even as you continue to waste them.

DP here. I agree with your sentiment, though harsh. As such, I think some PPs are rightfully concerned about some of the mean girl reactions "it's on!" (to what extent? is the mean girl that fixated?
or worse, exaggerating the "offense"? That sounds off) and the like.

Both sides are wrong.

Mean girls should not persist, as they tend to do, and most people in my neighborhood ignore the mean girl (she gossips about people she doesn't even know, for one).

Bullied girls should get the help they need.

Actually, both sides should get the professional help they obviously need - and not take it our on other people, or try to take other people down with them, or down to their level.

That is the sane thing to do.