Weird situation with new neighbor from high school - WWYD

[Anonymous]

Was I the only person who was neither bullied or bullied others in HS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if OP actually bullied the girl she'd remember it. Don't you remember who was called which names in your school? I could tell you to this day.

More likely that OP (and her friends) excluded and ignored the girl, which hurt her feelings. Maybe they even dismissed her in a mean way when she tried to join their group, or said she wasn't their friend. In this case I wouldn't be surprised if OP has no recollection but the other girl is scarred.

And even if OP called her a pig-face, shoved her in a locker, and left gum on her seat - going up to OP's minor children with this is out of line and unhinged.

Excluding and ignoring is bullying. Look up relational aggression. This sort of bullying is incredibly painful and dangerous. And, because people like you dismiss it as normal, it’s more likely to lead to the kind of trauma that might cause someone serious mental health issues, including PTSD that could lead someone to behave as this woman has. I’m not justifying this woman’s choice to involve OP’s kids— that’s 100% not okay. But the idea that OP didn’t bully because she didn’t call this woman a name is silly.

Relational aggression is brutal. Humans are social pack animals. Exclusion, ostracism, and isolation can result in intense feelings if fear and shame. Especially during teen years when emotions are heightened due to hormonal shifts and people often lack emotional coping skills (which we only recently started teaching children with more intention). There are people who have committed or attempted suicide because of relational aggression— being the subject of hurtful rumors, being excluded without explanation, the sort of passive-aggressive cruelty that teen girls are often experts at (the backhanded compliment, sh*t stirring gossip). That can feel far worse than being called a name or shoved in a locker, which is much more likely to inspire adults to get involved or result in the bully being held accountable.

How are you not embarrassed to type out this ridiculous, melodramatic word salad?

News flash: You are entitled to no one’s attention or “inclusion.” Not in high school. Not ever. Nobody. Is. Required. To. Spend. Time. With. You. Or. Be. Your. Friend.

Now spout some predictable tear jerking crap about “found the bully!” “gaslighting!”

High school was 20-30 years ago. If you need therapy, get it, but I promise you, the vindication of some imaginary day of reckoning these professional victims are holding out for is never coming. Meanwhile, the minutes of your adult life continue to tick away even as you continue to waste them.

+1000.

[Anonymous]

Her words (as an adult who is harboring upset/resentment about something that happened so far in the past) are a reflection on her far more than they are on you and the majority of the people will see it that way.

If you feel inclined to apologize for any hurt feelings, that's great, but otherwise I would not engage in giving the high school interaction (whatever it was) any time or attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP refuses to come back and post updates bc she recognizes she’s a mean gurl

Grow up. And stop being such a misogynist.
OP is an adult and a mother. She’s not a “mean girl”. Bullying is not “mean girl” behavior. Stop
Perpetuating stupid stereotypes.

OP is back and pretending she’s not a mean girl

[Anonymous]

Bottom line is this did not come out of nowhere. OP is not telling the whole story of what happened in HS. Or she forgot. It must have been pretty bad if her neighbor is still hurt. Bullying has long term effects.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line is this did not come out of nowhere. OP is not telling the whole story of what happened in HS. Or she forgot. It must have been pretty bad if her neighbor is still hurt. Bullying has long term effects.

But that’s not true. It’s recognized that people tend to romanticize, dramatize or fantasize about their high school experiences and create somewhat fictional narratives about them. This may well be the neighbor’s version. It could be very loosely based in any reality. The drama of her reaction doesn’t make it true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line is this did not come out of nowhere. OP is not telling the whole story of what happened in HS. Or she forgot. It must have been pretty bad if her neighbor is still hurt. Bullying has long term effects.

Still hurt and needs to go after children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line is this did not come out of nowhere. OP is not telling the whole story of what happened in HS. Or she forgot. It must have been pretty bad if her neighbor is still hurt. Bullying has long term effects.

But that’s not true. It’s recognized that people tend to romanticize, dramatize or fantasize about their high school experiences and create somewhat fictional narratives about them. This may well be the neighbor’s version. It could be very loosely based in any reality. The drama of her reaction doesn’t make it true.

Ok whatever. You were a mean girl and are just trying to make yourself feel better

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line is this did not come out of nowhere. OP is not telling the whole story of what happened in HS. Or she forgot. It must have been pretty bad if her neighbor is still hurt. Bullying has long term effects.

But that’s not true. It’s recognized that people tend to romanticize, dramatize or fantasize about their high school experiences and create somewhat fictional narratives about them. This may well be the neighbor’s version. It could be very loosely based in any reality. The drama of her reaction doesn’t make it true.

Ok whatever. You were a mean girl and are just trying to make yourself feel better

Seriously, you’re mentally stunted. You’re either not that bright or still a teenager yourself, in which case, best of luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line is this did not come out of nowhere. OP is not telling the whole story of what happened in HS. Or she forgot. It must have been pretty bad if her neighbor is still hurt. Bullying has long term effects.

I think it is incredibly strange to keep introducing yourself to people (kids?) and lead with " your mom/friend was a mean girl in high school" even if she was Regina George incarnate.

Still if I were OP, I would be more concerned with what I did than how this might change how neighbors felt about me. I would invite the new neighbor over for coffee or a walk and have a heart to heart. I honestly don't remember, sorry for causing pain, etc. etc. If I were OP I'd really want to know what happened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was I the only person who was neither bullied or bullied others in HS?

Me neither. It just.... didn't happen in our school. I'm 52 so high school from '82-'86. My sister and I talked about it not long ago as we navigate this with our kids, and we're just dumbfounded by the lack of it in our growing up years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just one thing. If the woman is still struggling with whatever scars she has from high school--some people get past those by the time they're 30, some never do, some fall in the middle--her comment to the kids may not have been calculated so much as her emotions jumping to the forefront in that moment.

Most of us have learned impulse control.

True. But OP commented that the neighbor was "awkward" and inappropriate in high school. I read some years ago (as parent of a SN kid) that kids tend to be harsher toward other kids with mild/not visible disabilities than kids with very obvious disabilities. Maybe this person does have ASD or ADHD or anxiety something that nobody has ever identified and pointed out and provided help for. Or maybe she pretty much has but sometimes the impairment breaks through her controls.

When I encounter someone with inappropriate behavior my go to is not to judge them but more often to assume there is something going on I don't know about, and respond from there, rather than leap to judgment. Doesn't mean I have to become their friend but I'm let likely to personalize the issue. I was bullied, mostly (but not always) by exclusion (with taunting though) especially between about 6th grade and 9th grade and it was awful and traumatizing and I didn't understand it (naturally I assumed something about me "caused" this treatment although I didn't understand what), less so in later grades (had less contact with the nastiest kids and was in a lot of activities although I still ate lunch with the "rejects") and by the time of my 10th reunion I felt confident about talking to anyone I had known (well, except for XXX who actually spit on me once from above in a stairwell in 12th grade). I figured out by then the meanness was not personal and there was actually nothing wrong with who I was.

BUT I bet I gave more thought as an adult to the idea that what I experienced had to do with the social dynamics of early adolescence than the kids who actively excluded or even taunted me did, if they have ever thought about it at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line is this did not come out of nowhere. OP is not telling the whole story of what happened in HS. Or she forgot. It must have been pretty bad if her neighbor is still hurt. Bullying has long term effects.

I think it is incredibly strange to keep introducing yourself to people (kids?) and lead with " your mom/friend was a mean girl in high school" even if she was Regina George incarnate.

Still if I were OP, I would be more concerned with what I did than how this might change how neighbors felt about me. I would invite the new neighbor over for coffee or a walk and have a heart to heart. I honestly don't remember, sorry for causing pain, etc. etc. If I were OP I'd really want to know what happened.

Ah, the crux of the matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line is this did not come out of nowhere. OP is not telling the whole story of what happened in HS. Or she forgot. It must have been pretty bad if her neighbor is still hurt. Bullying has long term effects.

But that’s not true. It’s recognized that people tend to romanticize, dramatize or fantasize about their high school experiences and create somewhat fictional narratives about them. This may well be the neighbor’s version. It could be very loosely based in any reality. The drama of her reaction doesn’t make it true.

Exactly. Seems to me that OP is romanticizing the narrative about herself. In other words, OP could have been awful to this woman but OP has rose colored memories of herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Bottom line is this did not come out of nowhere. OP is not telling the whole story of what happened in HS. Or she forgot. It must have been pretty bad if her neighbor is still hurt. Bullying has long term effects.

But that’s not true. It’s recognized that people tend to romanticize, dramatize or fantasize about their high school experiences and create somewhat fictional narratives about them. This may well be the neighbor’s version. It could be very loosely based in any reality. The drama of her reaction doesn’t make it true.

Exactly. Seems to me that OP is romanticizing the narrative about herself. In other words, OP could have been awful to this woman but OP has rose colored memories of herself.

+1