I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

My sister got pregnant at 18, it was a one night thing with a neighbor boy. My mom said "normally I don't believe in abortion, but . . . " This was in 1980. So my sister chose to take off and work for a traveling carnival for the summer so nobody could pressure her, and didn't come back until it was effectively too late to have an abortion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she chooses to have the child then you help her care for him or her while your DD goes to college locally.

So OP is just supposed to quit her job at her ADULT daughter's whim? How will OP support herself (and her ADULT daughter, and newborn grandchild?)

Why would she quit her job?

The daughter can take night classes or classes on line.

"Online college" is not anywhere the same league as REAL college.

Not all universities offer night classes in all subjects/classes. Most likely the daughter would eventually have to take some classes during the day.

And besides, is OP really supposed to work a full day at her own job and then come home and watch a baby all night? OP deserves to be able to sleep/have a break.

HAHA ... how long has it been since you have been in college. Even Ivy league kids have some classes online.

UMGC... is a real university with real degrees.

Now you are straight up just ignorant.

IDk, I take online classes for work all the time and I can do them when my kids sleep so I am not sure why OP would be caring for the child. Also community college has daycare. (let me guess you don't know how single moms on assistance pay for daycare. )

Holy ignoramus batman.

You sound really sheltered.

Why the rage, PP? The eye rolling and the name calling are really off putting.
Online courses are, sorry, not the same as in person courses. We are probably not talking about the same level of education here.

How do you even tolerate the peasants.

[Anonymous]

4 year universities regularly offer online courses and they count just as much towards a degree as an in person classroom course. My son took a live video feed course and it was the exact same class that the kids sitting inside the classroom were taking. It was hard, too.

Don't generalize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:4 year universities regularly offer online courses and they count just as much towards a degree as an in person classroom course. My son took a live video feed course and it was the exact same class that the kids sitting inside the classroom were taking. It was hard, too.

Don't generalize.

Lots of ignorance on this thread.

[Anonymous]

Oh, good grief. Are you even a parent? Op has put her heart and soul into raising her daughter. She has loved, cared for and provided for this girl for 18 years. She has many hopes for her daughter's future and Op has had a vision of what her own future will be like. Maybe Op was looking forward to doing some traveling or dating again or even downsizing and moving somewhere else.

Op has probably been making plans for how she will live her life once her child(ren) is grown and out of the house. She didn't bank on getting slammed right back to square one. A brand new baby is a tremendous responsibility which Op is well aware of. Of course, she has a ton of mixed emotions about her daughter's pregnancy. It is a very huge, life changing thing for everyone involved.

OP here - thank you for this!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister got pregnant at 18, it was a one night thing with a neighbor boy. My mom said "normally I don't believe in abortion, but . . . " This was in 1980. So my sister chose to take off and work for a traveling carnival for the summer so nobody could pressure her, and didn't come back until it was effectively too late to have an abortion.

An actual carnival?!

[Anonymous]

Maybe not - but it doesn't sound like you do, either.

https://www.cnbc.com/2019/11/26/when-your-insurer-does-not-cover-your-maternity-costs.html

OP - this may be important information for you.

OP here - Thank you - I will check with my insurance. I never thought they wouldn't cover it - so thanks!

[Anonymous]

/quote]

The first one will be for you. Since I presume you are employed, you should use your employer's EAP program to talk to someone. Or use your internist/whomever for a recommendation for a therapist. A lot of the decisions you have disclosed here sound like they are made in the heat of the moment and you don't leave yourself (or your daughter) any room to maneuver or negotiate. A sounding board may be helpful in terms of choices you've already made and decisions to be made going forward.

The second one is that all of you need to have a family meeting. Not a yelling, blaming, kicking, knock-out scream-fest but a sit-down, let's talk about this family meeting. All relevant parties need to come if you can get them (daughter, father of the baby, parent/s of the father, other parent/s of your daughter). You may want to have a mediator there (like your church pastor or some other trusted adult). The kids, your daughter and the baby's father, will need to talk about what they plan to do, and the rest of you can chime in with help and/or resources. Of primary importance: prenatal healthcare for your daughter.

The other resources really come from what you need. Is your daughter really kicked out and homeless, or does she have housing? And couch surfing doesn't count btw. If she needs housing then there are places that can help. What jurisdiction are you / your daughter in? Besides state and city/county resources there are even lists of resources through places like the National Women's Law Center's website. But first and foremost please say if your daughter needs housing.

OP here - She is living with her Father at the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In truth, OP, the reality is that terminating, adopting, keeping, etc. is your DD's decision. You can decide how much to help her out, or if it's even feasible to provide what she will need going forward.
Unfortunately, a kid who purposefully or negligently becomes pregnant w/o any plan except depending on her family is totally unprepared for the realities of being parent.

Our society is no longer set up to support this kind of situation-- extended family is often far away, both parents work, the costs of childcare can exceed a rent or mortgage payment. Anyone who becomes pregnant without being self sufficient is going to need government assistance or almost total family support/engagement. If you can't provide that, you need to be upfront about it now.

Haven't read past this pp's comment. Bolded is the disturbing truth here. Get to the heart of your DDs willful (ignorance) and stat. I suspect entrapment. She has a small window to terminate before crossing the line into the unethical decision.

[Anonymous]

Abortion. Therapy. Lots of your time. She may need you 24/7 until she stabilizes. Vocational school or college. Lots of hand holding for years. Tough love. Good nutrition and exercise. Put on on BC and IUD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

+1
Your daughter is very brave and she is lucky to have a great mom who will help her! I know this is not what you and she expected but it will be amazing to be a young grandmother and for her to be a young mom with all that energy. I have many friends who had babies in their 40s and it's just not the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

+1
Your daughter is very brave and she is lucky to have a great mom who will help her! I know this is not what you and she expected but it will be amazing to be a young grandmother and for her to be a young mom with all that energy. I have many friends who had babies in their 40s and it's just not the same.

Oh shut up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In truth, OP, the reality is that terminating, adopting, keeping, etc. is your DD's decision. You can decide how much to help her out, or if it's even feasible to provide what she will need going forward.
Unfortunately, a kid who purposefully or negligently becomes pregnant w/o any plan except depending on her family is totally unprepared for the realities of being parent.

Our society is no longer set up to support this kind of situation-- extended family is often far away, both parents work, the costs of childcare can exceed a rent or mortgage payment. Anyone who becomes pregnant without being self sufficient is going to need government assistance or almost total family support/engagement. If you can't provide that, you need to be upfront about it now.

Haven't read past this pp's comment. Bolded is the disturbing truth here. Get to the heart of your DDs willful (ignorance) and stat. I suspect entrapment. She has a small window to terminate before crossing the line into the unethical decision.

Entrapment? This isn't why most teen girls who want to have a baby do it. It isn't really about the father to be at all in most cases.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Congratulations.

This is when she needs you the most. You can help her raise this little one while she goes to college. She MUST get a degree! With ever-growing automation, it is more important for this generation than ours!

And no guilt, no shame, no nothing. Just get going with plans. You can do it!

+1
Your daughter is very brave and she is lucky to have a great mom who will help her! I know this is not what you and she expected but it will be amazing to be a young grandmother and for her to be a young mom with all that energy. I have many friends who had babies in their 40s and it's just not the same.

Oh shut up.

Oh shut up. I second this one hundred percent! OP you do you!. You have every right to feel the way you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The first one will be for you. Since I presume you are employed, you should use your employer's EAP program to talk to someone. Or use your internist/whomever for a recommendation for a therapist. A lot of the decisions you have disclosed here sound like they are made in the heat of the moment and you don't leave yourself (or your daughter) any room to maneuver or negotiate. A sounding board may be helpful in terms of choices you've already made and decisions to be made going forward.

The second one is that all of you need to have a family meeting. Not a yelling, blaming, kicking, knock-out scream-fest but a sit-down, let's talk about this family meeting. All relevant parties need to come if you can get them (daughter, father of the baby, parent/s of the father, other parent/s of your daughter). You may want to have a mediator there (like your church pastor or some other trusted adult). The kids, your daughter and the baby's father, will need to talk about what they plan to do, and the rest of you can chime in with help and/or resources. Of primary importance: prenatal healthcare for your daughter.

The other resources really come from what you need. Is your daughter really kicked out and homeless, or does she have housing? And couch surfing doesn't count btw. If she needs housing then there are places that can help. What jurisdiction are you / your daughter in? Besides state and city/county resources there are even lists of resources through places like the National Women's Law Center's website. But first and foremost please say if your daughter needs housing.

OP here - She is living with her Father at the moment.

That is good news. She is in a safe place with a roof over her head and presumably receiving healthy nourishment. Does she have insurance? Has she been to the obstetrician (or any doctor) for prenatal care?