I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

Nowhere have I read that it was actually CONFIRMED that the daughter got pregnant on purpose. OP has just guessed or assumed, but I haven't seen anything from OP that's confirmed that this was a planned pregnancy. Everyone is rushing to condemn the daughter when perhaps it was a birth control mistake, like many have had.

[Anonymous]

Most teen mothers go on welfare, food stamps and medical assistance in todays world. They are generally not in college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most teen mothers go on welfare, food stamps and medical assistance in todays world. They are generally not in college.

It is SES based. Most teen moms from higher SES still go to college. I teach at a college and we have lots of young moms. We have a daycare on campus. Lots of parents still financially support post secondary education for their teens / young adults who are young parents. Some of them took a year off between high school and college or took a college semester off (if they had a kid in college), some take a lower course load, but they are still getting college educations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More statistics on cost of raising a child to 18, not including college: https://www.usda.gov/media/blog/2017/01/13/cost-raising-child

Does it take into account being on Medicaid, food stamps, public housing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Most teen mothers go on welfare, food stamps and medical assistance in todays world. They are generally not in college.

Most people don't go to college. But most girls that would have gone to college still go to college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she chooses to have the child then you help her care for him or her while your DD goes to college locally.

So OP is just supposed to quit her job at her ADULT daughter's whim? How will OP support herself (and her ADULT daughter, and newborn grandchild?)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she chooses to have the child then you help her care for him or her while your DD goes to college locally.

So OP is just supposed to quit her job at her ADULT daughter's whim? How will OP support herself (and her ADULT daughter, and newborn grandchild?)

Why would she quit her job?

The daughter can take night classes or classes on line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she chooses to have the child then you help her care for him or her while your DD goes to college locally.

So OP is just supposed to quit her job at her ADULT daughter's whim? How will OP support herself (and her ADULT daughter, and newborn grandchild?)

Why would she quit her job?

The daughter can take night classes or classes on line.

"Online college" is not anywhere the same league as REAL college.

Not all universities offer night classes in all subjects/classes. Most likely the daughter would eventually have to take some classes during the day.

And besides, is OP really supposed to work a full day at her own job and then come home and watch a baby all night? OP deserves to be able to sleep/have a break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she chooses to have the child then you help her care for him or her while your DD goes to college locally.

So OP is just supposed to quit her job at her ADULT daughter's whim? How will OP support herself (and her ADULT daughter, and newborn grandchild?)

Why would she quit her job?

The daughter can take night classes or classes on line.

"Online college" is not anywhere the same league as REAL college.

Not all universities offer night classes in all subjects/classes. Most likely the daughter would eventually have to take some classes during the day.

And besides, is OP really supposed to work a full day at her own job and then come home and watch a baby all night? OP deserves to be able to sleep/have a break.

HAHA ... how long has it been since you have been in college. Even Ivy league kids have some classes online.

UMGC... is a real university with real degrees.

Now you are straight up just ignorant.

IDk, I take online classes for work all the time and I can do them when my kids sleep so I am not sure why OP would be caring for the child. Also community college has daycare. (let me guess you don't know how single moms on assistance pay for daycare. )

Holy ignoramus batman.

You sound really sheltered.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP. OP's "child" is an adult. Who is making the adult decision to have a child. This is not OP's child. It is not her responsibility, but her daughter's. We don't know what her financial situation is, what her work situation is, what her health situation is, just about anything, that would point to her ability to be supportive of her adult child, SHOULD SHE CHOOSE TO.

It's funny when people with kids in college don't think 18 is an adult and pay for everything and when they are not going to college all of a sudden they are "an adult". Check your privileged.

It is her responsibility to guide her child even if they are 18 or 22 or 25 or even 32... and eventually they will guide us with moving and caring for ourselves. What world do you live in where family is "every man for himself".. it's sad and not a world I want to live in.

We know she has a house/apt/condo... we know her daughter lived in a room in that home. That has not changed. Kicking her out is an emotional decsion.

People with 18 year olds in college, are choosing to pay for their kids' expenses. Some do, many don't (or can't). Hence, student loans. OP can certainly provide guidance, and she has - 'Don't get knocked up at 18' is pretty straightforward, and sensible advice. Her child chose to ignore that advice. The consequences of that decision is on the 18 year old, not her mother.

Personally, I'm not sure I would react much differently, if DD came home pregnant. By the time she turns 18, I will be nearly 60. I only had one child, because I only had the bandwidth to raise one child. I have no interest in raising any additional children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

NP. OP's "child" is an adult. Who is making the adult decision to have a child. This is not OP's child. It is not her responsibility, but her daughter's. We don't know what her financial situation is, what her work situation is, what her health situation is, just about anything, that would point to her ability to be supportive of her adult child, SHOULD SHE CHOOSE TO.

It's funny when people with kids in college don't think 18 is an adult and pay for everything and when they are not going to college all of a sudden they are "an adult". Check your privileged.

It is her responsibility to guide her child even if they are 18 or 22 or 25 or even 32... and eventually they will guide us with moving and caring for ourselves. What world do you live in where family is "every man for himself".. it's sad and not a world I want to live in.

We know she has a house/apt/condo... we know her daughter lived in a room in that home. That has not changed. Kicking her out is an emotional decsion.

People with 18 year olds in college, are choosing to pay for their kids' expenses. Some do, many don't (or can't). Hence, student loans. OP can certainly provide guidance, and she has - 'Don't get knocked up at 18' is pretty straightforward, and sensible advice. Her child chose to ignore that advice. The consequences of that decision is on the 18 year old, not her mother.

Personally, I'm not sure I would react much differently, if DD came home pregnant. By the time she turns 18, I will be nearly 60. I only had one child, because I only had the bandwidth to raise one child. I have no interest in raising any additional children.

This.

DH and I have told DS17 "no babies" - and he will be on his own if he makes a different choice.

What does that mean? It means that he - if he wants to have sex - needs to:

1. understand that babies are a by product of intercourse and that, depending on when they come into your life, can significantly alter your life path;
2. be prepared to have very upfront conversations with his sexual partners about having no interest in children at this point in his life;
3. understand that, even if he doesn't want it and she does, that he very well may be on the hook for child support;
4. educate himself about birth control, failure rates, and the things that make BC ineffective;
5. always use double protection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she chooses to have the child then you help her care for him or her while your DD goes to college locally.

So OP is just supposed to quit her job at her ADULT daughter's whim? How will OP support herself (and her ADULT daughter, and newborn grandchild?)

Why would she quit her job?

The daughter can take night classes or classes on line.

"Online college" is not anywhere the same league as REAL college.

Not all universities offer night classes in all subjects/classes. Most likely the daughter would eventually have to take some classes during the day.

And besides, is OP really supposed to work a full day at her own job and then come home and watch a baby all night? OP deserves to be able to sleep/have a break.

HAHA ... how long has it been since you have been in college. Even Ivy league kids have some classes online.

UMGC... is a real university with real degrees.

Now you are straight up just ignorant.

IDk, I take online classes for work all the time and I can do them when my kids sleep so I am not sure why OP would be caring for the child. Also community college has daycare. (let me guess you don't know how single moms on assistance pay for daycare. )

Holy ignoramus batman.

You sound really sheltered.

Why the rage, PP? The eye rolling and the name calling are really off putting.
Online courses are, sorry, not the same as in person courses. We are probably not talking about the same level of education here.

[Anonymous]

My sister got pregnant at 19, left that loser, married another loser, had a baby with that loser, and then left that loser. She is not college educated. She is 26 and lives with my parents and drives them crazy. She continues to date losers and she is a terrible mom.

I seriously resent what she’s done to my parents. They raised three other kids who aren’t making poor choices. To say a baby at 18 won’t affect OP is laughable. It will change her life.

[Anonymous]

Man we have family staying in our basement now and I tell you what it is not easy. We don’t care for their kids and all but we have to listen to screaming kids that wake us up sometimes, I don’t have any true time alone, the washer/dryer situation is a mess, sharing a kitchen and fridge requires way more coordination than I thought, and the list goes on. I am never asked to babysit or feed them or help them in anyway and it is still awful. I obviously want to help them despite the above because I would never kick them out but it is far more difficult than you’d think.

[Anonymous]

OP, if you are still reading, here's another story that may use useful,

My cousin struggled in school and spent a lot of time rebelling against her family. When she was 19 she got pregnant -- I believe intentionally. She married the dad, but got divorced within a year. They lived with his parents and then she moved out on her own. She then had another kids with a different man. They have also since split.

But here's the thing- she WANTED those kids and she adores them. She's a great mom, and in some ways I think those kids gave her life the meaning and the motivation she needed. She was always a terrible student and hated school. In the years since, she has gone on to get her welding training certificate and now has an excellent, full-time job as a welder (in a very male-dominated field, I'll point out!). She loves it and, because the hours are so early, it actually works well as a mom.

Was having kids in her teens ideal? Maybe not, but at least in her case those kids were the very thing that helped her focus and has brought her so much joy.

Just an anecdote that could help OP.