S/O How do you justify having an affair?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex and I divorced and he is shacked up with his AP. When they first got together, they both were fit and reasonably attractive. I saw a picture of them the other day (sent to me by his cousin, we are still friends) and they’ve both blown up. Like huge obese fatties! I was shocked. I guess they are comfortable and happy and eat like monsters together. Let me tell you, my self esteem has never been higher. Holy moly. Not to be super gross, but I imagine (against my will) that their hot sex sounds like to walruses slamming together. Unbelievable.

I can picture this unfortunately because I’ve seen “Sideways.”

[Anonymous]

Oh God the visual.....

[Anonymous]

thanks PP I haven't had a belly laugh in a while

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I once asked DH what is that deal breaker, that one thing that would make you stray outside the marriage or even file for divorce. Not money, not nagging, not hating his mother, but, sex life. DH made it clear that he considers sex to be a huge asset in being married and would expect that his wife would value that as much as he does. DH said it is the one thing we do that is just us and the one thing that holds us together spiritually and emotionally. If he doesn't have that (and I agree) what's the point of staying in a relationship? The intimate connection, go figure, I thought for sure he would say money.

Yeah but then how do you explain the posters saying they have sex almost nightly at home? Must be different for everyone.

Those posters are lying.

Women perpetuate the myth that if she never says “no” and keeps it interesting that her husband will never stray.

Men perpetuate the lie that they have a dead bedroom when the AP questions why he’s stepping out.

No woman in her right mind would want to be a side piece to a guy that said he had regular sex with his wife (barring Brad Pitt or Pete Davidson).

My ex was able to have my complete trust and zero suspicion exactly because of our very healthy sex life, and obvious attraction for me —butt smacking, little grope walking buy, jumping in the shower with me, etc.

Women think oh if I “drain his pipes” before he flies out of town he won’t cheat. Nope. Marriages are long- 20+ years.

My ex cheated on his wah day…a day we had always had a long session in the morning…and still was able to get it up for her later the same day.

It ruined my ability to trust any instinct for the rest of my life.

Oh god: I am sure your instincts are fine because your situation is a total outlier. It really is. You’re also appropriately seeing your DH as aberrant and the problem, which he is. All you need to do is not put Davidson in Pitt’s league! Your judgment is good!!!

Yeah. He’s probably an outlier. Not a sex addict but always had crazy high drive and zero performance issues. He can make anyone feel like a million bucks.

It is frustrating to hear people think it’s not possible. It’s basically an insult. Though I know many really smart attractive women that are victims.

High drive and a charmer? Almost a guarantee…

[Anonymous]

I fell for it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Not saying affairs are good, but at the same time these women saying it's great at home and the sex is plentiful are just delusional.

This. Sorry to those in denial, but this.

If it helps you believe it could never happen to you and/or that he doesn’t have good sex with his wife still then continue to believe that.

I didn’t write that, and I don’t need help — you do. You’re ok. Your situation was anomalous and your next man is unlikely to be an anomaly. Please stop playing like cheating MOSTLY happens with such insanely eff—around men. Nothing supports that supposition.

DP. Actually most of the women posting on here claim to have had really good marriages and sex. I believe it, especially when stats and surveys say 2/3s of make cheaters say they are happy or very happy in their marriages. I really think some of these are just a midlife thing and not chronic.

Most of the No sex marriages are guys that can’t get it up, got fat and have low T.

Yes, my exH had ED after turning 50. I was under impression I needed more sex in marriage, but it was him who cheated

How do you cheat with ED????

She was his age, maybe they used viagra I have no clue. He was soft took much longer for him to get it up and finish than before

Is it possible he was soft with you because the OW had tired him out already?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Not saying affairs are good, but at the same time these women saying it's great at home and the sex is plentiful are just delusional.

This. Sorry to those in denial, but this.

If it helps you believe it could never happen to you and/or that he doesn’t have good sex with his wife still then continue to believe that.

I didn’t write that, and I don’t need help — you do. You’re ok. Your situation was anomalous and your next man is unlikely to be an anomaly. Please stop playing like cheating MOSTLY happens with such insanely eff—around men. Nothing supports that supposition.

DP. Actually most of the women posting on here claim to have had really good marriages and sex. I believe it, especially when stats and surveys say 2/3s of make cheaters say they are happy or very happy in their marriages. I really think some of these are just a midlife thing and not chronic.

Most of the No sex marriages are guys that can’t get it up, got fat and have low T.

Yes, my exH had ED after turning 50. I was under impression I needed more sex in marriage, but it was him who cheated

How do you cheat with ED????

She was his age, maybe they used viagra I have no clue. He was soft took much longer for him to get it up and finish than before

Is it possible he was soft with you because the OW had tired him out already?

Nope, she was across Atlantic so our sexual activity was happening independently

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote: thanks PP I haven't had a belly laugh in a while

You are welcome. I was so shocked and disgusted when I saw the pictures. When they take a selfie together they also zoom tightly in on their faces to avoid showing their double/triple chins. Their bloated, greasy faces take up the entire frame. Ah, true love!

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I once asked DH what is that deal breaker, that one thing that would make you stray outside the marriage or even file for divorce. Not money, not nagging, not hating his mother, but, sex life. DH made it clear that he considers sex to be a huge asset in being married and would expect that his wife would value that as much as he does. DH said it is the one thing we do that is just us and the one thing that holds us together spiritually and emotionally. If he doesn't have that (and I agree) what's the point of staying in a relationship? The intimate connection, go figure, I thought for sure he would say money.

Yeah but then how do you explain the posters saying they have sex almost nightly at home? Must be different for everyone.

Those posters are lying.

Women perpetuate the myth that if she never says “no” and keeps it interesting that her husband will never stray.

Men perpetuate the lie that they have a dead bedroom when the AP questions why he’s stepping out.

No woman in her right mind would want to be a side piece to a guy that said he had regular sex with his wife (barring Brad Pitt or Pete Davidson).

My ex was able to have my complete trust and zero suspicion exactly because of our very healthy sex life, and obvious attraction for me —butt smacking, little grope walking buy, jumping in the shower with me, etc.

Women think oh if I “drain his pipes” before he flies out of town he won’t cheat. Nope. Marriages are long- 20+ years.

My ex cheated on his wah day…a day we had always had a long session in the morning…and still was able to get it up for her later the same day.

It ruined my ability to trust any instinct for the rest of my life.

Oh god: I am sure your instincts are fine because your situation is a total outlier. It really is. You’re also appropriately seeing your DH as aberrant and the problem, which he is. All you need to do is not put Davidson in Pitt’s league! Your judgment is good!!!

Yeah. He’s probably an outlier. Not a sex addict but always had crazy high drive and zero performance issues. He can make anyone feel like a million bucks.

It is frustrating to hear people think it’s not possible. It’s basically an insult. Though I know many really smart attractive women that are victims.

High drive and a charmer? Almost a guarantee…

Not an outlier. Plenty of sex with my then DH, and he still cheated. Never in million years would anyone have
guessed that he would be the type to do it. He is very charming in a boy next door kind of way. Not super good looking but able to present himself as a good guy. Even when cheating. His shtick was didn’t love me but in the relationship for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I once asked DH what is that deal breaker, that one thing that would make you stray outside the marriage or even file for divorce. Not money, not nagging, not hating his mother, but, sex life. DH made it clear that he considers sex to be a huge asset in being married and would expect that his wife would value that as much as he does. DH said it is the one thing we do that is just us and the one thing that holds us together spiritually and emotionally. If he doesn't have that (and I agree) what's the point of staying in a relationship? The intimate connection, go figure, I thought for sure he would say money.

Yeah but then how do you explain the posters saying they have sex almost nightly at home? Must be different for everyone.

Those posters are lying.

Women perpetuate the myth that if she never says “no” and keeps it interesting that her husband will never stray.

Men perpetuate the lie that they have a dead bedroom when the AP questions why he’s stepping out.

No woman in her right mind would want to be a side piece to a guy that said he had regular sex with his wife (barring Brad Pitt or Pete Davidson).

My ex was able to have my complete trust and zero suspicion exactly because of our very healthy sex life, and obvious attraction for me —butt smacking, little grope walking buy, jumping in the shower with me, etc.

Women think oh if I “drain his pipes” before he flies out of town he won’t cheat. Nope. Marriages are long- 20+ years.

My ex cheated on his wah day…a day we had always had a long session in the morning…and still was able to get it up for her later the same day.

It ruined my ability to trust any instinct for the rest of my life.

Oh god: I am sure your instincts are fine because your situation is a total outlier. It really is. You’re also appropriately seeing your DH as aberrant and the problem, which he is. All you need to do is not put Davidson in Pitt’s league! Your judgment is good!!!

Yeah. He’s probably an outlier. Not a sex addict but always had crazy high drive and zero performance issues. He can make anyone feel like a million bucks.

It is frustrating to hear people think it’s not possible. It’s basically an insult. Though I know many really smart attractive women that are victims.

High drive and a charmer? Almost a guarantee…

Not an outlier. Plenty of sex with my then DH, and he still cheated. Never in million years would anyone have
guessed that he would be the type to do it. He is very charming in a boy next door kind of way. Not super good looking but able to present himself as a good guy. Even when cheating. His shtick was didn’t love me but in the relationship for the kids.

+1 mine had the same boyscout (but hot) help everyone out in neighborhood, coached the kids teams when they were little, all appearances loving and great family man. Still had sex- not even close to sexless marriage. Way above average monthly sex for couples married that long and our ages.

His schtick was “looking for some adventure’ blah typical midlife bullsh@t and they just didn’t talk about me. Complete compartmentalization.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: thanks PP I haven't had a belly laugh in a while

You are welcome. I was so shocked and disgusted when I saw the pictures. When they take a selfie together they also zoom tightly in on their faces to avoid showing their double/triple chins. Their bloated, greasy faces take up the entire frame. Ah, true love!

well- I guess he was a closeted fat guy, chubby chaser. Maybe they can get a 2 for 1 on some ozempic.

[Anonymous]

I think some people justify the affair as being better than the alternative - a divorce that a spouse would not want, that would be uprooting/damaging to the children, and create lifestyle implications via needing to run two separate households. I do think some spouses know and choose to look the other way because of the above. It’s a terrible position to put your spouse in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think some people justify the affair as being better than the alternative - a divorce that a spouse would not want, that would be uprooting/damaging to the children, and create lifestyle implications via needing to run two separate households. I do think some spouses know and choose to look the other way because of the above. It’s a terrible position to put your spouse in.

The vast majority of men have nothing wrong. They aren't justifying not getting a divorce. Divorce isn't even on the radar or a thought.

Women often do this, but many of them are looking for exit affairs. So if they divorce they go right into someone else's household and get on their financial dole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think some people justify the affair as being better than the alternative - a divorce that a spouse would not want, that would be uprooting/damaging to the children, and create lifestyle implications via needing to run two separate households. I do think some spouses know and choose to look the other way because of the above. It’s a terrible position to put your spouse in.

The vast majority of men have nothing wrong. They aren't justifying not getting a divorce. Divorce isn't even on the radar or a thought.

Women often do this, but many of them are looking for exit affairs. So if they divorce they go right into someone else's household and get on their financial dole.

I don’t think the vast majority of men are cheating compartmentalizing asses. Certainly a percentage, but not all. The others are probably telling themselves something is missing in their marriage. They aren’t actively seeking an affair partner, but then they develop an interest in someone which turns into more, and bam- affair territory. They feel bad about it but continue due to the reasons outlined above. I would say most cheating women fall into this category and a significant portion of cheating men.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:ABC cared because their employees and America cared. I mean if you don’t care what others think just keep doing you without trying to justify lying and sneaking around. I mean if you don’t care, why are you hiding in the shadows? Is it because whoever you are banging doesn’t want anyone to see you? Are you that hideous? I mean, why not just tell the guy’s wife? It doesn’t matter right? Or are you afraid to do that because he will dump you and call you a psycho? I guess I don’t understand people that can’t find D that is available.

Its often about the lifestyle and money, as PP noted. My exH AP was his direct subordinate at work, dependent on him with her salary, consulting contracts and so on. It happens more often than you think: married men don't get laid for free

I can assure you they get laid for free.

Then why do so many men pay for sex? Paying to be able to leave, as the comedy joke says?

Yes. They want someone who won’t cause problems or have emotional entanglements. Many men see this as more ethical than an affair.

They're also less likely to get caught. A professional is much more likely to keep her mouth shut and not have any contact with your social or work circle.

Honestly I agree with this perspective. Much better a pro than a love affair.

Agree. But the men that don't want to pay (because it ain't cheap) and don't want spouse to find out--settle for a married woman thinking she has too much to lose to tell. But--that is where it gets messy. They are looking for exit affairs and think it means more, then he has to lie to keep it going--kick the can down the road. Then-they wish they had just paid in the first place as it gets way too complicated to easily get out of. The fear of her getting mad and telling the wife.

No, using a sex worker is insane. You have a MUCH, MUCH higher chance of passing along a serious disease this way.

Wow. When you are being used because someone did the calculation and came to the conclusion that you might be 'safer' than a sex worker, and of course it's free.

Why do you assume someone is always being "used" and "discarded" etc etc? It's a mutually beneficial exchange for those people. Doesn't make it right, but it's downright misogynist to always assume the female AP is being used like a piece of trash.

Sure, there are outliers where both APs are on equal footing financially and socially; where the women is in it for the sex and sex only, but I sincerely doubt that is the norm. Misogyny and a power differential is sort built into most affairs. When the majority of women APs cheat with hipster Starbucks baristas instead of corporate Captains of the Universe, I will think differently. These women aren’t victims or admirable feminists, but it is men who appear callous and cruel.
All this verbiage about bike riding, used tube socks, discarded trash and throwing under the bus. Ugly, anti-woman sentiment.

You have no idea. More women are having affairs these days because they have opportunity and independence, like on work travel. As women continue to acquire the same freedoms as men, we will likely see the rate of women participating in affairs increase. The notion that they are all sad little housewives or secretaries, hoping to improve their economic situation, is quite passe.