Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I identify with the cousin. I grew up in a home with lots of chaos and trauma. I had “normal” cousins who would host our family for Thanksgiving each year and it was wonderful. We were guests. We did nothing; I had no idea how to cook the way they cooked (we only ever had things like Swanson TV dinners) and I had no idea how to function in their kitchen. It was intimidating, all these rules and expectations that were so different from my own experience. As a kid I was just obliviously happy to be included and invited. Chips and dip or veggies were on a coffee table and I ate them. It never occurred to me to ask if I could help carrying them out; no one taught me that. We didn’t go anywhere else.

My same-age cousins had entirely different childhoods. They had friends over all the time (we never did; my mother was a hoarder) and had all kinds of life experiences that I did not.

When we grew older, the Thanksgiving tradition continued at a cousin’s house rather than my aunt’s. I grew older and had some more life experience so I picked up ideas like, if they are hosting I should buy them a hostess gift of some kind; I would have flowers for a centerpiece delivered to the house. I helped clean up the table after dinner. But offering to cook? It was way beyond my realm.

I had no idea resentment was building up over the years; none at all. My cousins all got married and had kids and I continued to come to Thanksgiving and played with the kids and brought gifts for them. Finally, in my 40’s I had a baby and brought him to the first Thanksgiving. Much of that time I was in a bedroom trying to nurse and pump. Apparently some of the kids were misbehaving and caused some damage. I had no idea (they were other cousins’ kids).

Anyway, the following year my cousin abruptly said they were done hosting extended family Thanksgiving. Totally understandable; it had gotten big with everyone in the next generation having kids. I still sent flowers for a couple of years as just a Thanksgiving hello and said I was thinking of them with love. No hard feelings, I thought. I missed it but understood times change.

But through some other gossipy cousins I later heard that they had YEARS of resentment brewing that my family (parents and me and my siblings) had never brought side dishes or offered to cook the turkey or pay for food or anything. I had NO IDEA. They never once asked us to do that! I would have felt rude just one year saying, “hey, would you like me to bring mashed potatoes and stuffing next year?”...,that would have felt like I was implying I could make them better myself or something. They are far wealthier than us and I see now that I just assumed they were happy to host all of us...it SHOULD have occurred to me over the years to say, “Hosting all of us must be so expensive...is there a way I can chip in?”...but that would have been so awkward and, again, it just never occurred to me. They never gave any sign or hint that they were annoyed; it was all gracious smiles and welcomes.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to shoulder the burden all that time, and I’m ashamed I didn’t understand their expectations. I just thought I was a guest and that that meant that I enjoyed their hospitality and graciously thanked them.

I loved spending time with them and didn’t know they considered me a mooch. I am nearly 50 and still learning all of these unspoken rules I never learned as a kid, that others seem to think everyone knows.

Your cousin clearly loves you and this tradition, OP. Maybe she is depressed, maybe she has no idea you have a problem with a dynamic. Maybe she is needy and passive. Maybe, as you so condescendingly day, she is “limited”. If you “ride or die” by family, why be so scornful and cruel? If she is family...why not be kind and have the courage to kindly be CLEAR with your needs and expectations? Do you honestly think she is just an uncaring user who doesn’t give a sh*t what you think of her and just wants someone to make her sandwiches?????? Maybe she loves your sandwiches. Maybe she has great memories of her older cousin’s tuna sandwiches, feeling loved and cared for. Maybe she has no idea who annoying she is to you and your friend.

If you’re going to b*tch about her behind her back and just roll your eyes around her and be passive aggressive another year, do her the favor of disinviting her. But YOU are the problem then. If you claim you care about family, do the LOVING thing and love her enough to tell her your needs and expectations, clearly.

Ugh. Why didn’t the cousins just say to you, hey could you bring a side or dessert?

I don’t understand how by your 30s or 40s (?!) it didn’t occur to you to ever say “what can I contribute to Thanksgiving dinner?” Asking basic questions like that would have allowed your cousins to signal to you that they would appreciate some help. Sorry, I don’t completely buy this person’s claim of ignorance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I identify with the cousin. I grew up in a home with lots of chaos and trauma. I had “normal” cousins who would host our family for Thanksgiving each year and it was wonderful. We were guests. We did nothing; I had no idea how to cook the way they cooked (we only ever had things like Swanson TV dinners) and I had no idea how to function in their kitchen. It was intimidating, all these rules and expectations that were so different from my own experience. As a kid I was just obliviously happy to be included and invited. Chips and dip or veggies were on a coffee table and I ate them. It never occurred to me to ask if I could help carrying them out; no one taught me that. We didn’t go anywhere else.

My same-age cousins had entirely different childhoods. They had friends over all the time (we never did; my mother was a hoarder) and had all kinds of life experiences that I did not.

When we grew older, the Thanksgiving tradition continued at a cousin’s house rather than my aunt’s. I grew older and had some more life experience so I picked up ideas like, if they are hosting I should buy them a hostess gift of some kind; I would have flowers for a centerpiece delivered to the house. I helped clean up the table after dinner. But offering to cook? It was way beyond my realm.

I had no idea resentment was building up over the years; none at all. My cousins all got married and had kids and I continued to come to Thanksgiving and played with the kids and brought gifts for them. Finally, in my 40’s I had a baby and brought him to the first Thanksgiving. Much of that time I was in a bedroom trying to nurse and pump. Apparently some of the kids were misbehaving and caused some damage. I had no idea (they were other cousins’ kids).

Anyway, the following year my cousin abruptly said they were done hosting extended family Thanksgiving. Totally understandable; it had gotten big with everyone in the next generation having kids. I still sent flowers for a couple of years as just a Thanksgiving hello and said I was thinking of them with love. No hard feelings, I thought. I missed it but understood times change.

But through some other gossipy cousins I later heard that they had YEARS of resentment brewing that my family (parents and me and my siblings) had never brought side dishes or offered to cook the turkey or pay for food or anything. I had NO IDEA. They never once asked us to do that! I would have felt rude just one year saying, “hey, would you like me to bring mashed potatoes and stuffing next year?”...,that would have felt like I was implying I could make them better myself or something. They are far wealthier than us and I see now that I just assumed they were happy to host all of us...it SHOULD have occurred to me over the years to say, “Hosting all of us must be so expensive...is there a way I can chip in?”...but that would have been so awkward and, again, it just never occurred to me. They never gave any sign or hint that they were annoyed; it was all gracious smiles and welcomes.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to shoulder the burden all that time, and I’m ashamed I didn’t understand their expectations. I just thought I was a guest and that that meant that I enjoyed their hospitality and graciously thanked them.

I loved spending time with them and didn’t know they considered me a mooch. I am nearly 50 and still learning all of these unspoken rules I never learned as a kid, that others seem to think everyone knows.

Your cousin clearly loves you and this tradition, OP. Maybe she is depressed, maybe she has no idea you have a problem with a dynamic. Maybe she is needy and passive. Maybe, as you so condescendingly day, she is “limited”. If you “ride or die” by family, why be so scornful and cruel? If she is family...why not be kind and have the courage to kindly be CLEAR with your needs and expectations? Do you honestly think she is just an uncaring user who doesn’t give a sh*t what you think of her and just wants someone to make her sandwiches?????? Maybe she loves your sandwiches. Maybe she has great memories of her older cousin’s tuna sandwiches, feeling loved and cared for. Maybe she has no idea who annoying she is to you and your friend.

If you’re going to b*tch about her behind her back and just roll your eyes around her and be passive aggressive another year, do her the favor of disinviting her. But YOU are the problem then. If you claim you care about family, do the LOVING thing and love her enough to tell her your needs and expectations, clearly.

Ugh. Why didn’t the cousins just say to you, hey could you bring a side or dessert?

I don’t understand how by your 30s or 40s (?!) it didn’t occur to you to ever say “what can I contribute to Thanksgiving dinner?” Asking basic questions like that would have allowed your cousins to signal to you that they would appreciate some help. Sorry, I don’t completely buy this person’s claim of ignorance.

NP here. At some point in my 20’s or early 30’s, I did start asking if we could bring anything, and my aunt suggested bringing wine. So we got in the habit of bringing a selection of wine, beer, and hard liquor (some of which would be consumed, and the rest we figured was a gift to the house.) Either my brother or I would also bring pies or other dessert food once we became adults. It never occurred to me to ask if we should cook. Some of the reason why was because I lived many states away, so it wasn’t like I had my own kitchen there. But even if I stayed with my parents, it never occurred to me to offer to cook sides just because...we never had. We had been in that dynamic for DECADES. I can see now that maybe they were seething for decades and it finally erupted. But I genuinely had no idea. I only heard second hand that they had been complaining that we never shared cooking duties.

Anyway, it may be hard for you to believe but it has taken a LONG time for me to develop what some people would consider normal social skills. There is no school for this if you don’t get it as a kid. I can’t sign up for an adult ed class. I’ve picked up some from reading novels and such. But I spend a lot of energy just surviving, imperfectly. One of my brothers died by suicide. My parents were both addicts and had many other issues with mental health. I’ve got a lot in my plate. But I am loving and mean well. If someone lets me know I have crossed a boundary or done something wrong, I am grateful for the info.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also think you should pick up the phone and talk to her - not in a “WTF you did nothing so it’s over” type of way. But more along the lines of, ‘now that we’re home, I’m reflecting on how much harder and frustrating this vacation was vs a long time ago. Can you help me process this? ‘ and then ask a lot of questions:
1) how was your week? What worked? Anything feel frustrating to you?
2).tell me more about the night you were supposed to cook dinner. What happened?
3) we are on vacation and we aren’t on vacation to tip toe around your husband who is working. Why didn’t he go Hoke to do his zoom calls?
4) group vacations only work if we all pitch in. I couldn’t help but notice that you and Larlo weren’t pitching in like everyone else (I felt disrespected when we had to do all the cleaning, picking up and take care of all the kids with no help from you or Larlo). That just doesn’t work for us - is there something else going on with you to create an expectation that we do the work and you don’t pitch in at all?

Cuz, I’ll be honest, we’re not doing another summer vacation like that one. You will either need to stay at your house and come over for beach visits and the occasional dinner or will need to really change the way you show up that week.“

And maybe give her one more chance. But lay out the expectations very clearly. And if it’s not working next summer, call her out in the moment and say that she didn’t live up to her agreement so it’s the last summer.

OP, I do think you should have had this conversation at the beach house. “Larva, what the heck? You and Larlo are in charge of dinner. We all have our turns. This really ain’t working.” “Really, Larla, you are standing at the bar with a full bottle of wine and can’t even be bothered to top off Susie’s glass? She’s right there. Give that poor, tired mama some more wine.” “Serioslly, Larla. Kitchen duty is on you and Larlo tonight. We’re taking the kids for a walk. I can’t believe I have to suggest to a grown adult to pull her own weight.”

Seriously

Seriously OP you have to TELL her this stuff if it really bothers you. You seem rageful that she can’t read your mind. It would NEVER occur to me to top off someone else’s glass of wine, never. Maybe I was raised by wolves but we jus don’t do that. It also makes me feeel really awkward to share food; I don’t mind anyone eating mine but I’d rather buy my own. I can’t imagine putting my laundry in with anyone else’s, but maybe that’s just what her family does??

You can’t wxpevt her to know your rules and expectations unless you actually SAY them. I would never, never put sunscreen on someone else’s kid unless I was specifically asked to. It would be w it’s if my brother or SIL put some in my kid; we have our own brand.

I just came back from sharing a house with two other families. None of your rules are ones that we followed. Are you sure she really understands your rules?

I totally agree. I posted earlier I would never sunscreen anyone else’s child. Even daycare asks us to sunscreen our kids before sending them in, touching other people’s kids is just a big no. I don’t want anyone but my mom putting sunscreen on my kids.

I also make it plain that we are a “help yourself” house. You are free to eat or drink anything but get it yourself. Same for kids. I might ask if anyone wants anything while I am up, but then again maybe not. Especially with lifelong friends.

I am not going to offer your kids stuff, but they are welcome to grab a banana or a Z bar or whatever. I am not in charge of your food rules. Asking your kids to pee? Hell to the no. That is a job for a parent.

The dinner thing needed to be conveyed clearly, bluntly, the day it occurred. “What is the dinner plan? It is your day.”

This. Common sense. You don't wait on people or except people to wait on you.

When people are guests in my home, I absolutely do wait on them! It’s called hospitality. And I offer to help in a guest’s house, but hosts usually demur. Isn’t it possibly that cousin thinks she is a guest?

I mean, the staying in her bedroom and then coming out and eating hot dogs on a night when OP yho Got it was cousin’s dinner night....that’s just bizarre. But it seems FAR more likely to me that cousin is genuinely clues about the dynamic than that she was thinking, “Bwa ha ha, I have tricked them! They don’t remember I was supposed to cook and now I got a free hot dog!”

Did OP say, “Cheryl, tonight guy is your night to cook, remember? What are you making for dinner?”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I identify with the cousin. I grew up in a home with lots of chaos and trauma. I had “normal” cousins who would host our family for Thanksgiving each year and it was wonderful. We were guests. We did nothing; I had no idea how to cook the way they cooked (we only ever had things like Swanson TV dinners) and I had no idea how to function in their kitchen. It was intimidating, all these rules and expectations that were so different from my own experience. As a kid I was just obliviously happy to be included and invited. Chips and dip or veggies were on a coffee table and I ate them. It never occurred to me to ask if I could help carrying them out; no one taught me that. We didn’t go anywhere else.

My same-age cousins had entirely different childhoods. They had friends over all the time (we never did; my mother was a hoarder) and had all kinds of life experiences that I did not.

When we grew older, the Thanksgiving tradition continued at a cousin’s house rather than my aunt’s. I grew older and had some more life experience so I picked up ideas like, if they are hosting I should buy them a hostess gift of some kind; I would have flowers for a centerpiece delivered to the house. I helped clean up the table after dinner. But offering to cook? It was way beyond my realm.

I had no idea resentment was building up over the years; none at all. My cousins all got married and had kids and I continued to come to Thanksgiving and played with the kids and brought gifts for them. Finally, in my 40’s I had a baby and brought him to the first Thanksgiving. Much of that time I was in a bedroom trying to nurse and pump. Apparently some of the kids were misbehaving and caused some damage. I had no idea (they were other cousins’ kids).

Anyway, the following year my cousin abruptly said they were done hosting extended family Thanksgiving. Totally understandable; it had gotten big with everyone in the next generation having kids. I still sent flowers for a couple of years as just a Thanksgiving hello and said I was thinking of them with love. No hard feelings, I thought. I missed it but understood times change.

But through some other gossipy cousins I later heard that they had YEARS of resentment brewing that my family (parents and me and my siblings) had never brought side dishes or offered to cook the turkey or pay for food or anything. I had NO IDEA. They never once asked us to do that! I would have felt rude just one year saying, “hey, would you like me to bring mashed potatoes and stuffing next year?”...,that would have felt like I was implying I could make them better myself or something. They are far wealthier than us and I see now that I just assumed they were happy to host all of us...it SHOULD have occurred to me over the years to say, “Hosting all of us must be so expensive...is there a way I can chip in?”...but that would have been so awkward and, again, it just never occurred to me. They never gave any sign or hint that they were annoyed; it was all gracious smiles and welcomes.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to shoulder the burden all that time, and I’m ashamed I didn’t understand their expectations. I just thought I was a guest and that that meant that I enjoyed their hospitality and graciously thanked them.

I loved spending time with them and didn’t know they considered me a mooch. I am nearly 50 and still learning all of these unspoken rules I never learned as a kid, that others seem to think everyone knows.

Your cousin clearly loves you and this tradition, OP. Maybe she is depressed, maybe she has no idea you have a problem with a dynamic. Maybe she is needy and passive. Maybe, as you so condescendingly day, she is “limited”. If you “ride or die” by family, why be so scornful and cruel? If she is family...why not be kind and have the courage to kindly be CLEAR with your needs and expectations? Do you honestly think she is just an uncaring user who doesn’t give a sh*t what you think of her and just wants someone to make her sandwiches?????? Maybe she loves your sandwiches. Maybe she has great memories of her older cousin’s tuna sandwiches, feeling loved and cared for. Maybe she has no idea who annoying she is to you and your friend.

If you’re going to b*tch about her behind her back and just roll your eyes around her and be passive aggressive another year, do her the favor of disinviting her. But YOU are the problem then. If you claim you care about family, do the LOVING thing and love her enough to tell her your needs and expectations, clearly.

Ugh. Why didn’t the cousins just say to you, hey could you bring a side or dessert?

I don’t understand how by your 30s or 40s (?!) it didn’t occur to you to ever say “what can I contribute to Thanksgiving dinner?” Asking basic questions like that would have allowed your cousins to signal to you that they would appreciate some help. Sorry, I don’t completely buy this person’s claim of ignorance.

NP here. At some point in my 20’s or early 30’s, I did start asking if we could bring anything, and my aunt suggested bringing wine. So we got in the habit of bringing a selection of wine, beer, and hard liquor (some of which would be consumed, and the rest we figured was a gift to the house.) Either my brother or I would also bring pies or other dessert food once we became adults. It never occurred to me to ask if we should cook. Some of the reason why was because I lived many states away, so it wasn’t like I had my own kitchen there. But even if I stayed with my parents, it never occurred to me to offer to cook sides just because...we never had. We had been in that dynamic for DECADES. I can see now that maybe they were seething for decades and it finally erupted. But I genuinely had no idea. I only heard second hand that they had been complaining that we never shared cooking duties.

Anyway, it may be hard for you to believe but it has taken a LONG time for me to develop what some people would consider normal social skills. There is no school for this if you don’t get it as a kid. I can’t sign up for an adult ed class. I’ve picked up some from reading novels and such. But I spend a lot of energy just surviving, imperfectly. One of my brothers died by suicide. My parents were both addicts and had many other issues with mental health. I’ve got a lot in my plate. But I am loving and mean well. If someone lets me know I have crossed a boundary or done something wrong, I am grateful for the info.

Thanks for sharing this perspective. Personally, as a host, I would be completely fine with people “just” bringing drinks and desserts. Especially if they are traveling from out of town.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait—you said the cousin “is local to the Cape.” Why isn’t she staying at her own house? I’m confused.

OP here. You have nailed part of the tension. She just moves in with us basically. This spring i broached her staying at her place and she was like “why would we do that? We’re here to see each other. Do you want to me to stay away?” And I was manipulated (my view) into backing down. I need to just get mean. But it’s still me drawing a line in the sand that “separates” her from the three amigo besties who grew up together.

The answer is to broach it again next spring and invite her over for a few group meals that you and your bff don’t mind hosting. That’s it and she can take it or leave it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait—you said the cousin “is local to the Cape.” Why isn’t she staying at her own house? I’m confused.

OP here. You have nailed part of the tension. She just moves in with us basically. This spring i broached her staying at her place and she was like “why would we do that? We’re here to see each other. Do you want to me to stay away?” And I was manipulated (my view) into backing down. I need to just get mean. But it’s still me drawing a line in the sand that “separates” her from the three amigo besties who grew up together.

The answer is to broach it again next spring and invite her over for a few group meals that you and your bff don’t mind hosting. That’s it and she can take it or leave it.

This will only work if her intention is to distance herself (all around). The cousin WILL take it as “being expelled from the group”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me at spreadsheet. Serious control freak vibes. Sounds more like a chore than a relaxing fun summer gathering. I can see why the cousin's husband doesn't take off work. Time to end this. You're all too old for this nostalgic crap anyways, and OP and her husband are too old to still be mooching off mom and dad's place for weeks at a time.

Wasn't the cousin the one who made the spreadsheet??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me at spreadsheet. Serious control freak vibes. Sounds more like a chore than a relaxing fun summer gathering. I can see why the cousin's husband doesn't take off work. Time to end this. You're all too old for this nostalgic crap anyways, and OP and her husband are too old to still be mooching off mom and dad's place for weeks at a time.

Wasn't the cousin the one who made the spreadsheet??

No, OP and her boyfriend made the spreadsheet and expected cousin to fill in her day(s). I wonder if OP even told cousin that the spreadsheet was out there to fill in?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP lost me at spreadsheet. Serious control freak vibes. Sounds more like a chore than a relaxing fun summer gathering. I can see why the cousin's husband doesn't take off work. Time to end this. You're all too old for this nostalgic crap anyways, and OP and her husband are too old to still be mooching off mom and dad's place for weeks at a time.

Wasn't the cousin the one who made the spreadsheet??

No, OP and her boyfriend made the spreadsheet and expected cousin to fill in her day(s). I wonder if OP even told cousin that the spreadsheet was out there to fill in?

DP. I think bf = best friend. So the cousin is pretty much treated as “the other one”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. My husband is totally at his wits end as well. The husbands are in the mix too. There seems to be a view that there is like chaos here and I’m too high strung or relax and our DHs aren’t involved. Everyone is doing their part. My deep frustration is that everyone has to vaguely move the ball forward. You can’t do literally nothing.

The one thing my DH thinks is that this cousin is generally sort of…limited. Like he as pointed to a few examples of her meltdowns or inability to function in normal ways. So then yes as some have mentioned, I definitely have thought, is this years and years of depression? And if it is, do I hold space for the week of my vacation doing extra dishes and taking into consideration her dietary needs when I cook? Bc she is sick? And that’s how you hold loving space for someone? Or is it like, actually I can’t speculate on your health, you’re making me miserable, stay with your brother if you’re here or stay home 30min away and drive in to the beach. The minute I draw my boundary I think she’s going to blow up. I’m 5% scared of her.

So what was your husband doing that he couldn't help you put sunscreen on the kids, get them to the bathroom or give them a snack?

+1

-1

Maybe he was grocery shopping so there would be dinner on the cousin’s night to cook?

Or maybe he was doing the kids laundry which the cousin had dumped her clothes into?

It sounds like everyone else pitches in except the cousin. I don’t understand why some people are so set on defending obnoxious behavior. None of my friends do this—I would not trace with them if they did.

Sorry sweetheart, OP has had many opportunities to clarify what her husband was doing or where he was. She hasn't done so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. My husband is totally at his wits end as well. The husbands are in the mix too. There seems to be a view that there is like chaos here and I’m too high strung or relax and our DHs aren’t involved. Everyone is doing their part. My deep frustration is that everyone has to vaguely move the ball forward. You can’t do literally nothing.

The one thing my DH thinks is that this cousin is generally sort of…limited. Like he as pointed to a few examples of her meltdowns or inability to function in normal ways. So then yes as some have mentioned, I definitely have thought, is this years and years of depression? And if it is, do I hold space for the week of my vacation doing extra dishes and taking into consideration her dietary needs when I cook? Bc she is sick? And that’s how you hold loving space for someone? Or is it like, actually I can’t speculate on your health, you’re making me miserable, stay with your brother if you’re here or stay home 30min away and drive in to the beach. The minute I draw my boundary I think she’s going to blow up. I’m 5% scared of her.

So what was your husband doing that he couldn't help you put sunscreen on the kids, get them to the bathroom or give them a snack?

+1

-1

Maybe he was grocery shopping so there would be dinner on the cousin’s night to cook?

Or maybe he was doing the kids laundry which the cousin had dumped her clothes into?

It sounds like everyone else pitches in except the cousin. I don’t understand why some people are so set on defending obnoxious behavior. None of my friends do this—I would not trace with them if they did.

Sorry sweetheart, OP has had many opportunities to clarify what her husband was doing or where he was. She hasn't done so.

It doesn’t matter. She’s entitled to choose whom she wants to host.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also think you should pick up the phone and talk to her - not in a “WTF you did nothing so it’s over” type of way. But more along the lines of, ‘now that we’re home, I’m reflecting on how much harder and frustrating this vacation was vs a long time ago. Can you help me process this? ‘ and then ask a lot of questions:
1) how was your week? What worked? Anything feel frustrating to you?
2).tell me more about the night you were supposed to cook dinner. What happened?
3) we are on vacation and we aren’t on vacation to tip toe around your husband who is working. Why didn’t he go Hoke to do his zoom calls?
4) group vacations only work if we all pitch in. I couldn’t help but notice that you and Larlo weren’t pitching in like everyone else (I felt disrespected when we had to do all the cleaning, picking up and take care of all the kids with no help from you or Larlo). That just doesn’t work for us - is there something else going on with you to create an expectation that we do the work and you don’t pitch in at all?

Cuz, I’ll be honest, we’re not doing another summer vacation like that one. You will either need to stay at your house and come over for beach visits and the occasional dinner or will need to really change the way you show up that week.“

And maybe give her one more chance. But lay out the expectations very clearly. And if it’s not working next summer, call her out in the moment and say that she didn’t live up to her agreement so it’s the last summer.

OP, I do think you should have had this conversation at the beach house. “Larva, what the heck? You and Larlo are in charge of dinner. We all have our turns. This really ain’t working.” “Really, Larla, you are standing at the bar with a full bottle of wine and can’t even be bothered to top off Susie’s glass? She’s right there. Give that poor, tired mama some more wine.” “Serioslly, Larla. Kitchen duty is on you and Larlo tonight. We’re taking the kids for a walk. I can’t believe I have to suggest to a grown adult to pull her own weight.”

Seriously

Seriously OP you have to TELL her this stuff if it really bothers you. You seem rageful that she can’t read your mind. It would NEVER occur to me to top off someone else’s glass of wine, never. Maybe I was raised by wolves but we jus don’t do that. It also makes me feeel really awkward to share food; I don’t mind anyone eating mine but I’d rather buy my own. I can’t imagine putting my laundry in with anyone else’s, but maybe that’s just what her family does??

You can’t wxpevt her to know your rules and expectations unless you actually SAY them. I would never, never put sunscreen on someone else’s kid unless I was specifically asked to. It would be w it’s if my brother or SIL put some in my kid; we have our own brand.

I just came back from sharing a house with two other families. None of your rules are ones that we followed. Are you sure she really understands your rules?

I totally agree. I posted earlier I would never sunscreen anyone else’s child. Even daycare asks us to sunscreen our kids before sending them in, touching other people’s kids is just a big no. I don’t want anyone but my mom putting sunscreen on my kids.

I also make it plain that we are a “help yourself” house. You are free to eat or drink anything but get it yourself. Same for kids. I might ask if anyone wants anything while I am up, but then again maybe not. Especially with lifelong friends.

I am not going to offer your kids stuff, but they are welcome to grab a banana or a Z bar or whatever. I am not in charge of your food rules. Asking your kids to pee? Hell to the no. That is a job for a parent.

The dinner thing needed to be conveyed clearly, bluntly, the day it occurred. “What is the dinner plan? It is your day.”

This. Common sense. You don't wait on people or except people to wait on you.

When people are guests in my home, I absolutely do wait on them! It’s called hospitality. And I offer to help in a guest’s house, but hosts usually demur. Isn’t it possibly that cousin thinks she is a guest?

I mean, the staying in her bedroom and then coming out and eating hot dogs on a night when OP yho Got it was cousin’s dinner night....that’s just bizarre. But it seems FAR more likely to me that cousin is genuinely clues about the dynamic than that she was thinking, “Bwa ha ha, I have tricked them! They don’t remember I was supposed to cook and now I got a free hot dog!”

Did OP say, “Cheryl, tonight guy is your night to cook, remember? What are you making for dinner?”

Yes, and the cousin said they could grill. And then did nothing. So...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I identify with the cousin. I grew up in a home with lots of chaos and trauma. I had “normal” cousins who would host our family for Thanksgiving each year and it was wonderful. We were guests. We did nothing; I had no idea how to cook the way they cooked (we only ever had things like Swanson TV dinners) and I had no idea how to function in their kitchen. It was intimidating, all these rules and expectations that were so different from my own experience. As a kid I was just obliviously happy to be included and invited. Chips and dip or veggies were on a coffee table and I ate them. It never occurred to me to ask if I could help carrying them out; no one taught me that. We didn’t go anywhere else.

My same-age cousins had entirely different childhoods. They had friends over all the time (we never did; my mother was a hoarder) and had all kinds of life experiences that I did not.

When we grew older, the Thanksgiving tradition continued at a cousin’s house rather than my aunt’s. I grew older and had some more life experience so I picked up ideas like, if they are hosting I should buy them a hostess gift of some kind; I would have flowers for a centerpiece delivered to the house. I helped clean up the table after dinner. But offering to cook? It was way beyond my realm.

I had no idea resentment was building up over the years; none at all. My cousins all got married and had kids and I continued to come to Thanksgiving and played with the kids and brought gifts for them. Finally, in my 40’s I had a baby and brought him to the first Thanksgiving. Much of that time I was in a bedroom trying to nurse and pump. Apparently some of the kids were misbehaving and caused some damage. I had no idea (they were other cousins’ kids).

Anyway, the following year my cousin abruptly said they were done hosting extended family Thanksgiving. Totally understandable; it had gotten big with everyone in the next generation having kids. I still sent flowers for a couple of years as just a Thanksgiving hello and said I was thinking of them with love. No hard feelings, I thought. I missed it but understood times change.

But through some other gossipy cousins I later heard that they had YEARS of resentment brewing that my family (parents and me and my siblings) had never brought side dishes or offered to cook the turkey or pay for food or anything. I had NO IDEA. They never once asked us to do that! I would have felt rude just one year saying, “hey, would you like me to bring mashed potatoes and stuffing next year?”...,that would have felt like I was implying I could make them better myself or something. They are far wealthier than us and I see now that I just assumed they were happy to host all of us...it SHOULD have occurred to me over the years to say, “Hosting all of us must be so expensive...is there a way I can chip in?”...but that would have been so awkward and, again, it just never occurred to me. They never gave any sign or hint that they were annoyed; it was all gracious smiles and welcomes.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to shoulder the burden all that time, and I’m ashamed I didn’t understand their expectations. I just thought I was a guest and that that meant that I enjoyed their hospitality and graciously thanked them.

I loved spending time with them and didn’t know they considered me a mooch. I am nearly 50 and still learning all of these unspoken rules I never learned as a kid, that others seem to think everyone knows.

Your cousin clearly loves you and this tradition, OP. Maybe she is depressed, maybe she has no idea you have a problem with a dynamic. Maybe she is needy and passive. Maybe, as you so condescendingly day, she is “limited”. If you “ride or die” by family, why be so scornful and cruel? If she is family...why not be kind and have the courage to kindly be CLEAR with your needs and expectations? Do you honestly think she is just an uncaring user who doesn’t give a sh*t what you think of her and just wants someone to make her sandwiches?????? Maybe she loves your sandwiches. Maybe she has great memories of her older cousin’s tuna sandwiches, feeling loved and cared for. Maybe she has no idea who annoying she is to you and your friend.

If you’re going to b*tch about her behind her back and just roll your eyes around her and be passive aggressive another year, do her the favor of disinviting her. But YOU are the problem then. If you claim you care about family, do the LOVING thing and love her enough to tell her your needs and expectations, clearly.

I think this is an important perspective to bring to the situation. It may or may not apply to the OP and her cousin - but just being aware that people come from different backgrounds and experiences. The fact that OP hasn’t even discussed these issues with her cousin is definitely part of the problem. OP, I get your frustration, but you can’t just hint and make plans and think that everyone is on the same page just because you and your best friend are. Can you pick up the phone and call her to talk about expectations and roles?

[Anonymous]

Did I miss how long this annual gathering is for? Weekend, week, longer?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. My husband is totally at his wits end as well. The husbands are in the mix too. There seems to be a view that there is like chaos here and I’m too high strung or relax and our DHs aren’t involved. Everyone is doing their part. My deep frustration is that everyone has to vaguely move the ball forward. You can’t do literally nothing.

The one thing my DH thinks is that this cousin is generally sort of…limited. Like he as pointed to a few examples of her meltdowns or inability to function in normal ways. So then yes as some have mentioned, I definitely have thought, is this years and years of depression? And if it is, do I hold space for the week of my vacation doing extra dishes and taking into consideration her dietary needs when I cook? Bc she is sick? And that’s how you hold loving space for someone? Or is it like, actually I can’t speculate on your health, you’re making me miserable, stay with your brother if you’re here or stay home 30min away and drive in to the beach. The minute I draw my boundary I think she’s going to blow up. I’m 5% scared of her.

So what was your husband doing that he couldn't help you put sunscreen on the kids, get them to the bathroom or give them a snack?

+1

-1

Maybe he was grocery shopping so there would be dinner on the cousin’s night to cook?

Or maybe he was doing the kids laundry which the cousin had dumped her clothes into?

It sounds like everyone else pitches in except the cousin. I don’t understand why some people are so set on defending obnoxious behavior. None of my friends do this—I would not trace with them if they did.

Sorry sweetheart, OP has had many opportunities to clarify what her husband was doing or where he was. She hasn't done so.

It doesn’t matter. She’s entitled to choose whom she wants to host.

But she's not entitled to demand childcare from anyone other than their father and people she hires. It's also pretty silly to use cousin not helping with sunscreen when her own husband and father of her children was not helping.