Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Did OP detail how long this if for? I thought I read 1 week but then someone said 4 weeks?

And does OP have 4 young kids or was that OP and her best friend have 2 kids each? Then the cousin has 1 baby? So 5 kids in the house total?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If anything, this thread is convincing me to NOT go to for a family vacation later this year because I don't want to care for anyone else's kids.

This sort of drama is exactly why adults with kids OP's age buy their own vacation home. I don't care if you're convinced you're going to inherit your parents' place*, begging to use it for weeks at a time gets old. If OP had her own place she wouldn't feel obligated to invite the cousin nor would she need to make a huge production out of the best friend coming at a certain time with all this X Y Z control freak nonsense.

*By the time your parents' both croak, your kids will likely be too old to enjoy the inherited place. Life is too short. OP and her husband need to buy their own place. Though I'm guessing OP and her husband are misers who will find the idea of buying their own place on the Cape preposterous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d probably not tell her when we were going next year. But that’s just me.

Then you are passive aggressive and cruel. This is a family member who loves you and wants to spend time with you and you’re too weak and unloving to find words to tell them that their behavior makes you uncomfortable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d probably not tell her when we were going next year. But that’s just me.

Then you are passive aggressive and cruel. This is a family member who loves you and wants to spend time with you and you’re too weak and unloving to find words to tell them that their behavior makes you uncomfortable?

She’s cruel because she doesn’t want to spend all her vacation waiting hand and foot on someone?

[Anonymous]

I doubt the parents care whether OP stops inviting the cousin. Heck my parents would be pissed if I was being a doormat and putting up with that nonsense. Cousin can stay at her brothers house or own home nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d probably not tell her when we were going next year. But that’s just me.

Then you are passive aggressive and cruel. This is a family member who loves you and wants to spend time with you and you’re too weak and unloving to find words to tell them that their behavior makes you uncomfortable?

She’s cruel because she doesn’t want to spend all her vacation waiting hand and foot on someone?

She didn’t need to do that. She was a big girl who decided to do it rather than use her words and/or use some of the common sense solutions mentioned on this thread. She enabled a bad situation then came on here to vent about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you eat the food. You have an obligation to also prepare food. Do dishes. Unload diy. Etc.

I don't think anyone is disputing this.

MANY people on the thread are disputing this…

Np, I think most people criticizing OP are not critical of this complaint. It's the Google sheet, expecting people to take care of her kids, and passive aggressive about addressing cousin's laziness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also think you should pick up the phone and talk to her - not in a “WTF you did nothing so it’s over” type of way. But more along the lines of, ‘now that we’re home, I’m reflecting on how much harder and frustrating this vacation was vs a long time ago. Can you help me process this? ‘ and then ask a lot of questions:
1) how was your week? What worked? Anything feel frustrating to you?
2).tell me more about the night you were supposed to cook dinner. What happened?
3) we are on vacation and we aren’t on vacation to tip toe around your husband who is working. Why didn’t he go Hoke to do his zoom calls?
4) group vacations only work if we all pitch in. I couldn’t help but notice that you and Larlo weren’t pitching in like everyone else (I felt disrespected when we had to do all the cleaning, picking up and take care of all the kids with no help from you or Larlo). That just doesn’t work for us - is there something else going on with you to create an expectation that we do the work and you don’t pitch in at all?

Cuz, I’ll be honest, we’re not doing another summer vacation like that one. You will either need to stay at your house and come over for beach visits and the occasional dinner or will need to really change the way you show up that week.“

And maybe give her one more chance. But lay out the expectations very clearly. And if it’s not working next summer, call her out in the moment and say that she didn’t live up to her agreement so it’s the last summer.

OP, I do think you should have had this conversation at the beach house. “Larva, what the heck? You and Larlo are in charge of dinner. We all have our turns. This really ain’t working.” “Really, Larla, you are standing at the bar with a full bottle of wine and can’t even be bothered to top off Susie’s glass? She’s right there. Give that poor, tired mama some more wine.” “Serioslly, Larla. Kitchen duty is on you and Larlo tonight. We’re taking the kids for a walk. I can’t believe I have to suggest to a grown adult to pull her own weight.”

Seriously

Seriously OP you have to TELL her this stuff if it really bothers you. You seem rageful that she can’t read your mind. It would NEVER occur to me to top off someone else’s glass of wine, never. Maybe I was raised by wolves but we jus don’t do that. It also makes me feeel really awkward to share food; I don’t mind anyone eating mine but I’d rather buy my own. I can’t imagine putting my laundry in with anyone else’s, but maybe that’s just what her family does??

You can’t wxpevt her to know your rules and expectations unless you actually SAY them. I would never, never put sunscreen on someone else’s kid unless I was specifically asked to. It would be w it’s if my brother or SIL put some in my kid; we have our own brand.

I just came back from sharing a house with two other families. None of your rules are ones that we followed. Are you sure she really understands your rules?

I totally agree. I posted earlier I would never sunscreen anyone else’s child. Even daycare asks us to sunscreen our kids before sending them in, touching other people’s kids is just a big no. I don’t want anyone but my mom putting sunscreen on my kids.

I also make it plain that we are a “help yourself” house. You are free to eat or drink anything but get it yourself. Same for kids. I might ask if anyone wants anything while I am up, but then again maybe not. Especially with lifelong friends.

I am not going to offer your kids stuff, but they are welcome to grab a banana or a Z bar or whatever. I am not in charge of your food rules. Asking your kids to pee? Hell to the no. That is a job for a parent.

The dinner thing needed to be conveyed clearly, bluntly, the day it occurred. “What is the dinner plan? It is your day.”

[Anonymous]

I identify with the cousin. I grew up in a home with lots of chaos and trauma. I had “normal” cousins who would host our family for Thanksgiving each year and it was wonderful. We were guests. We did nothing; I had no idea how to cook the way they cooked (we only ever had things like Swanson TV dinners) and I had no idea how to function in their kitchen. It was intimidating, all these rules and expectations that were so different from my own experience. As a kid I was just obliviously happy to be included and invited. Chips and dip or veggies were on a coffee table and I ate them. It never occurred to me to ask if I could help carrying them out; no one taught me that. We didn’t go anywhere else.

My same-age cousins had entirely different childhoods. They had friends over all the time (we never did; my mother was a hoarder) and had all kinds of life experiences that I did not.

When we grew older, the Thanksgiving tradition continued at a cousin’s house rather than my aunt’s. I grew older and had some more life experience so I picked up ideas like, if they are hosting I should buy them a hostess gift of some kind; I would have flowers for a centerpiece delivered to the house. I helped clean up the table after dinner. But offering to cook? It was way beyond my realm.

I had no idea resentment was building up over the years; none at all. My cousins all got married and had kids and I continued to come to Thanksgiving and played with the kids and brought gifts for them. Finally, in my 40’s I had a baby and brought him to the first Thanksgiving. Much of that time I was in a bedroom trying to nurse and pump. Apparently some of the kids were misbehaving and caused some damage. I had no idea (they were other cousins’ kids).

Anyway, the following year my cousin abruptly said they were done hosting extended family Thanksgiving. Totally understandable; it had gotten big with everyone in the next generation having kids. I still sent flowers for a couple of years as just a Thanksgiving hello and said I was thinking of them with love. No hard feelings, I thought. I missed it but understood times change.

But through some other gossipy cousins I later heard that they had YEARS of resentment brewing that my family (parents and me and my siblings) had never brought side dishes or offered to cook the turkey or pay for food or anything. I had NO IDEA. They never once asked us to do that! I would have felt rude just one year saying, “hey, would you like me to bring mashed potatoes and stuffing next year?”...,that would have felt like I was implying I could make them better myself or something. They are far wealthier than us and I see now that I just assumed they were happy to host all of us...it SHOULD have occurred to me over the years to say, “Hosting all of us must be so expensive...is there a way I can chip in?”...but that would have been so awkward and, again, it just never occurred to me. They never gave any sign or hint that they were annoyed; it was all gracious smiles and welcomes.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to shoulder the burden all that time, and I’m ashamed I didn’t understand their expectations. I just thought I was a guest and that that meant that I enjoyed their hospitality and graciously thanked them.

I loved spending time with them and didn’t know they considered me a mooch. I am nearly 50 and still learning all of these unspoken rules I never learned as a kid, that others seem to think everyone knows.

Your cousin clearly loves you and this tradition, OP. Maybe she is depressed, maybe she has no idea you have a problem with a dynamic. Maybe she is needy and passive. Maybe, as you so condescendingly day, she is “limited”. If you “ride or die” by family, why be so scornful and cruel? If she is family...why not be kind and have the courage to kindly be CLEAR with your needs and expectations? Do you honestly think she is just an uncaring user who doesn’t give a sh*t what you think of her and just wants someone to make her sandwiches?????? Maybe she loves your sandwiches. Maybe she has great memories of her older cousin’s tuna sandwiches, feeling loved and cared for. Maybe she has no idea who annoying she is to you and your friend.

If you’re going to b*tch about her behind her back and just roll your eyes around her and be passive aggressive another year, do her the favor of disinviting her. But YOU are the problem then. If you claim you care about family, do the LOVING thing and love her enough to tell her your needs and expectations, clearly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d probably not tell her when we were going next year. But that’s just me.

Then you are passive aggressive and cruel. This is a family member who loves you and wants to spend time with you and you’re too weak and unloving to find words to tell them that their behavior makes you uncomfortable?

She’s cruel because she doesn’t want to spend all her vacation waiting hand and foot on someone?

It sounds like cousin sees herself as a guest rather than equal partners in the joint family vacation. I don’t expect guests to do things in my own house or my parents’ house!!! If three of us are renting a beach house together that is different.

OP, you are expecting cousin to read your mind that you expect this to be a different dynamic than what she is used to as a guest of your family in the past. If you expect it to be different, SAY SO. Stop blaming her for not mind reading.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I identify with the cousin. I grew up in a home with lots of chaos and trauma. I had “normal” cousins who would host our family for Thanksgiving each year and it was wonderful. We were guests. We did nothing; I had no idea how to cook the way they cooked (we only ever had things like Swanson TV dinners) and I had no idea how to function in their kitchen. It was intimidating, all these rules and expectations that were so different from my own experience. As a kid I was just obliviously happy to be included and invited. Chips and dip or veggies were on a coffee table and I ate them. It never occurred to me to ask if I could help carrying them out; no one taught me that. We didn’t go anywhere else.

My same-age cousins had entirely different childhoods. They had friends over all the time (we never did; my mother was a hoarder) and had all kinds of life experiences that I did not.

When we grew older, the Thanksgiving tradition continued at a cousin’s house rather than my aunt’s. I grew older and had some more life experience so I picked up ideas like, if they are hosting I should buy them a hostess gift of some kind; I would have flowers for a centerpiece delivered to the house. I helped clean up the table after dinner. But offering to cook? It was way beyond my realm.

I had no idea resentment was building up over the years; none at all. My cousins all got married and had kids and I continued to come to Thanksgiving and played with the kids and brought gifts for them. Finally, in my 40’s I had a baby and brought him to the first Thanksgiving. Much of that time I was in a bedroom trying to nurse and pump. Apparently some of the kids were misbehaving and caused some damage. I had no idea (they were other cousins’ kids).

Anyway, the following year my cousin abruptly said they were done hosting extended family Thanksgiving. Totally understandable; it had gotten big with everyone in the next generation having kids. I still sent flowers for a couple of years as just a Thanksgiving hello and said I was thinking of them with love. No hard feelings, I thought. I missed it but understood times change.

But through some other gossipy cousins I later heard that they had YEARS of resentment brewing that my family (parents and me and my siblings) had never brought side dishes or offered to cook the turkey or pay for food or anything. I had NO IDEA. They never once asked us to do that! I would have felt rude just one year saying, “hey, would you like me to bring mashed potatoes and stuffing next year?”...,that would have felt like I was implying I could make them better myself or something. They are far wealthier than us and I see now that I just assumed they were happy to host all of us...it SHOULD have occurred to me over the years to say, “Hosting all of us must be so expensive...is there a way I can chip in?”...but that would have been so awkward and, again, it just never occurred to me. They never gave any sign or hint that they were annoyed; it was all gracious smiles and welcomes.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to shoulder the burden all that time, and I’m ashamed I didn’t understand their expectations. I just thought I was a guest and that that meant that I enjoyed their hospitality and graciously thanked them.

I loved spending time with them and didn’t know they considered me a mooch. I am nearly 50 and still learning all of these unspoken rules I never learned as a kid, that others seem to think everyone knows.

Your cousin clearly loves you and this tradition, OP. Maybe she is depressed, maybe she has no idea you have a problem with a dynamic. Maybe she is needy and passive. Maybe, as you so condescendingly day, she is “limited”. If you “ride or die” by family, why be so scornful and cruel? If she is family...why not be kind and have the courage to kindly be CLEAR with your needs and expectations? Do you honestly think she is just an uncaring user who doesn’t give a sh*t what you think of her and just wants someone to make her sandwiches?????? Maybe she loves your sandwiches. Maybe she has great memories of her older cousin’s tuna sandwiches, feeling loved and cared for. Maybe she has no idea who annoying she is to you and your friend.

If you’re going to b*tch about her behind her back and just roll your eyes around her and be passive aggressive another year, do her the favor of disinviting her. But YOU are the problem then. If you claim you care about family, do the LOVING thing and love her enough to tell her your needs and expectations, clearly.

But the cousin in the OP's scenario set up a spreadsheet for everyone to sign up for meals, and then signed up for a meal, and just... blew it off. It's pretty clear that she understands the expectations; she just doesn't want to meet them and is counting on the fact that no one is going to call her out for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also think you should pick up the phone and talk to her - not in a “WTF you did nothing so it’s over” type of way. But more along the lines of, ‘now that we’re home, I’m reflecting on how much harder and frustrating this vacation was vs a long time ago. Can you help me process this? ‘ and then ask a lot of questions:
1) how was your week? What worked? Anything feel frustrating to you?
2).tell me more about the night you were supposed to cook dinner. What happened?
3) we are on vacation and we aren’t on vacation to tip toe around your husband who is working. Why didn’t he go Hoke to do his zoom calls?
4) group vacations only work if we all pitch in. I couldn’t help but notice that you and Larlo weren’t pitching in like everyone else (I felt disrespected when we had to do all the cleaning, picking up and take care of all the kids with no help from you or Larlo). That just doesn’t work for us - is there something else going on with you to create an expectation that we do the work and you don’t pitch in at all?

Cuz, I’ll be honest, we’re not doing another summer vacation like that one. You will either need to stay at your house and come over for beach visits and the occasional dinner or will need to really change the way you show up that week.“

And maybe give her one more chance. But lay out the expectations very clearly. And if it’s not working next summer, call her out in the moment and say that she didn’t live up to her agreement so it’s the last summer.

OP, I do think you should have had this conversation at the beach house. “Larva, what the heck? You and Larlo are in charge of dinner. We all have our turns. This really ain’t working.” “Really, Larla, you are standing at the bar with a full bottle of wine and can’t even be bothered to top off Susie’s glass? She’s right there. Give that poor, tired mama some more wine.” “Serioslly, Larla. Kitchen duty is on you and Larlo tonight. We’re taking the kids for a walk. I can’t believe I have to suggest to a grown adult to pull her own weight.”

Seriously

Seriously OP you have to TELL her this stuff if it really bothers you. You seem rageful that she can’t read your mind. It would NEVER occur to me to top off someone else’s glass of wine, never. Maybe I was raised by wolves but we jus don’t do that. It also makes me feeel really awkward to share food; I don’t mind anyone eating mine but I’d rather buy my own. I can’t imagine putting my laundry in with anyone else’s, but maybe that’s just what her family does??

You can’t wxpevt her to know your rules and expectations unless you actually SAY them. I would never, never put sunscreen on someone else’s kid unless I was specifically asked to. It would be w it’s if my brother or SIL put some in my kid; we have our own brand.

I just came back from sharing a house with two other families. None of your rules are ones that we followed. Are you sure she really understands your rules?

I totally agree. I posted earlier I would never sunscreen anyone else’s child. Even daycare asks us to sunscreen our kids before sending them in, touching other people’s kids is just a big no. I don’t want anyone but my mom putting sunscreen on my kids.

I also make it plain that we are a “help yourself” house. You are free to eat or drink anything but get it yourself. Same for kids. I might ask if anyone wants anything while I am up, but then again maybe not. Especially with lifelong friends.

I am not going to offer your kids stuff, but they are welcome to grab a banana or a Z bar or whatever. I am not in charge of your food rules. Asking your kids to pee? Hell to the no. That is a job for a parent.

The dinner thing needed to be conveyed clearly, bluntly, the day it occurred. “What is the dinner plan? It is your day.”

This. Common sense. You don't wait on people or except people to wait on you.

[Anonymous]

OP lost me at spreadsheet. Serious control freak vibes. Sounds more like a chore than a relaxing fun summer gathering. I can see why the cousin's husband doesn't take off work. Time to end this. You're all too old for this nostalgic crap anyways, and OP and her husband are too old to still be mooching off mom and dad's place for weeks at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I identify with the cousin. I grew up in a home with lots of chaos and trauma. I had “normal” cousins who would host our family for Thanksgiving each year and it was wonderful. We were guests. We did nothing; I had no idea how to cook the way they cooked (we only ever had things like Swanson TV dinners) and I had no idea how to function in their kitchen. It was intimidating, all these rules and expectations that were so different from my own experience. As a kid I was just obliviously happy to be included and invited. Chips and dip or veggies were on a coffee table and I ate them. It never occurred to me to ask if I could help carrying them out; no one taught me that. We didn’t go anywhere else.

My same-age cousins had entirely different childhoods. They had friends over all the time (we never did; my mother was a hoarder) and had all kinds of life experiences that I did not.

When we grew older, the Thanksgiving tradition continued at a cousin’s house rather than my aunt’s. I grew older and had some more life experience so I picked up ideas like, if they are hosting I should buy them a hostess gift of some kind; I would have flowers for a centerpiece delivered to the house. I helped clean up the table after dinner. But offering to cook? It was way beyond my realm.

I had no idea resentment was building up over the years; none at all. My cousins all got married and had kids and I continued to come to Thanksgiving and played with the kids and brought gifts for them. Finally, in my 40’s I had a baby and brought him to the first Thanksgiving. Much of that time I was in a bedroom trying to nurse and pump. Apparently some of the kids were misbehaving and caused some damage. I had no idea (they were other cousins’ kids).

Anyway, the following year my cousin abruptly said they were done hosting extended family Thanksgiving. Totally understandable; it had gotten big with everyone in the next generation having kids. I still sent flowers for a couple of years as just a Thanksgiving hello and said I was thinking of them with love. No hard feelings, I thought. I missed it but understood times change.

But through some other gossipy cousins I later heard that they had YEARS of resentment brewing that my family (parents and me and my siblings) had never brought side dishes or offered to cook the turkey or pay for food or anything. I had NO IDEA. They never once asked us to do that! I would have felt rude just one year saying, “hey, would you like me to bring mashed potatoes and stuffing next year?”...,that would have felt like I was implying I could make them better myself or something. They are far wealthier than us and I see now that I just assumed they were happy to host all of us...it SHOULD have occurred to me over the years to say, “Hosting all of us must be so expensive...is there a way I can chip in?”...but that would have been so awkward and, again, it just never occurred to me. They never gave any sign or hint that they were annoyed; it was all gracious smiles and welcomes.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to shoulder the burden all that time, and I’m ashamed I didn’t understand their expectations. I just thought I was a guest and that that meant that I enjoyed their hospitality and graciously thanked them.

I loved spending time with them and didn’t know they considered me a mooch. I am nearly 50 and still learning all of these unspoken rules I never learned as a kid, that others seem to think everyone knows.

Your cousin clearly loves you and this tradition, OP. Maybe she is depressed, maybe she has no idea you have a problem with a dynamic. Maybe she is needy and passive. Maybe, as you so condescendingly day, she is “limited”. If you “ride or die” by family, why be so scornful and cruel? If she is family...why not be kind and have the courage to kindly be CLEAR with your needs and expectations? Do you honestly think she is just an uncaring user who doesn’t give a sh*t what you think of her and just wants someone to make her sandwiches?????? Maybe she loves your sandwiches. Maybe she has great memories of her older cousin’s tuna sandwiches, feeling loved and cared for. Maybe she has no idea who annoying she is to you and your friend.

If you’re going to b*tch about her behind her back and just roll your eyes around her and be passive aggressive another year, do her the favor of disinviting her. But YOU are the problem then. If you claim you care about family, do the LOVING thing and love her enough to tell her your needs and expectations, clearly.

While I’m not sure if this is the OP’s situation, this is a really great perspective for people to keep in mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I identify with the cousin. I grew up in a home with lots of chaos and trauma. I had “normal” cousins who would host our family for Thanksgiving each year and it was wonderful. We were guests. We did nothing; I had no idea how to cook the way they cooked (we only ever had things like Swanson TV dinners) and I had no idea how to function in their kitchen. It was intimidating, all these rules and expectations that were so different from my own experience. As a kid I was just obliviously happy to be included and invited. Chips and dip or veggies were on a coffee table and I ate them. It never occurred to me to ask if I could help carrying them out; no one taught me that. We didn’t go anywhere else.

My same-age cousins had entirely different childhoods. They had friends over all the time (we never did; my mother was a hoarder) and had all kinds of life experiences that I did not.

When we grew older, the Thanksgiving tradition continued at a cousin’s house rather than my aunt’s. I grew older and had some more life experience so I picked up ideas like, if they are hosting I should buy them a hostess gift of some kind; I would have flowers for a centerpiece delivered to the house. I helped clean up the table after dinner. But offering to cook? It was way beyond my realm.

I had no idea resentment was building up over the years; none at all. My cousins all got married and had kids and I continued to come to Thanksgiving and played with the kids and brought gifts for them. Finally, in my 40’s I had a baby and brought him to the first Thanksgiving. Much of that time I was in a bedroom trying to nurse and pump. Apparently some of the kids were misbehaving and caused some damage. I had no idea (they were other cousins’ kids).

Anyway, the following year my cousin abruptly said they were done hosting extended family Thanksgiving. Totally understandable; it had gotten big with everyone in the next generation having kids. I still sent flowers for a couple of years as just a Thanksgiving hello and said I was thinking of them with love. No hard feelings, I thought. I missed it but understood times change.

But through some other gossipy cousins I later heard that they had YEARS of resentment brewing that my family (parents and me and my siblings) had never brought side dishes or offered to cook the turkey or pay for food or anything. I had NO IDEA. They never once asked us to do that! I would have felt rude just one year saying, “hey, would you like me to bring mashed potatoes and stuffing next year?”...,that would have felt like I was implying I could make them better myself or something. They are far wealthier than us and I see now that I just assumed they were happy to host all of us...it SHOULD have occurred to me over the years to say, “Hosting all of us must be so expensive...is there a way I can chip in?”...but that would have been so awkward and, again, it just never occurred to me. They never gave any sign or hint that they were annoyed; it was all gracious smiles and welcomes.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to shoulder the burden all that time, and I’m ashamed I didn’t understand their expectations. I just thought I was a guest and that that meant that I enjoyed their hospitality and graciously thanked them.

I loved spending time with them and didn’t know they considered me a mooch. I am nearly 50 and still learning all of these unspoken rules I never learned as a kid, that others seem to think everyone knows.

Your cousin clearly loves you and this tradition, OP. Maybe she is depressed, maybe she has no idea you have a problem with a dynamic. Maybe she is needy and passive. Maybe, as you so condescendingly day, she is “limited”. If you “ride or die” by family, why be so scornful and cruel? If she is family...why not be kind and have the courage to kindly be CLEAR with your needs and expectations? Do you honestly think she is just an uncaring user who doesn’t give a sh*t what you think of her and just wants someone to make her sandwiches?????? Maybe she loves your sandwiches. Maybe she has great memories of her older cousin’s tuna sandwiches, feeling loved and cared for. Maybe she has no idea who annoying she is to you and your friend.

If you’re going to b*tch about her behind her back and just roll your eyes around her and be passive aggressive another year, do her the favor of disinviting her. But YOU are the problem then. If you claim you care about family, do the LOVING thing and love her enough to tell her your needs and expectations, clearly.

Ugh. Why didn’t the cousins just say to you, hey could you bring a side or dessert?