Reply to Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

Forum Index » Family Relationships

Reply to "Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion "

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I identify with the cousin.  I grew up in a home with lots of chaos and trauma.  I had “normal” cousins who would host our family for Thanksgiving each year and it was wonderful.  We were guests.  We did nothing; I had no idea how to cook the way they cooked (we only ever had things like Swanson TV dinners) and I had no idea how to function in their kitchen.  It was intimidating, all these rules and expectations that were so different from my own experience.  As a kid I was just obliviously happy to be included and invited.  Chips and dip or veggies were on a coffee table and I ate them.  It never occurred to me to ask if I could help carrying them out; no one taught me that.  We didn’t go anywhere else.

My same-age cousins had entirely different childhoods.  They had friends over all the time (we never did; my mother was a hoarder) and had all kinds of life experiences that I did not.

When we grew older, the Thanksgiving tradition continued at a cousin’s house rather than my aunt’s.  I grew older and had some more life experience so I picked up ideas like, if they are hosting I should buy them a hostess gift of some kind; I would have flowers for a centerpiece delivered to the house.  I helped clean up the table after dinner.  But offering to cook?  It was way beyond my realm.

I had no idea resentment was building up over the years; none at all.  My cousins all got married and had kids and I continued to come to Thanksgiving and played with the kids and brought gifts for them.  Finally, in my 40’s I had a baby and brought him to the first Thanksgiving.  Much of that time I was in a bedroom trying to nurse and pump.  Apparently some of the kids were misbehaving and caused some damage.  I had no idea (they were other cousins’ kids).

Anyway, the following year my cousin abruptly said they were done hosting extended family Thanksgiving.  Totally understandable; it had gotten big with everyone in the next generation having kids.  I still sent flowers for a couple of years as just a Thanksgiving hello and said I was thinking of them with love.  No hard feelings, I thought.  I missed it but understood times change.

But through some other gossipy cousins I later heard that they had YEARS of resentment brewing that my family (parents and me and my siblings) had never brought side dishes or offered to cook the turkey or pay for food or anything.  I had NO IDEA.  They never once asked us to do that!  I would have felt rude just one year saying, “hey, would you like me to bring mashed potatoes and stuffing next year?”...,that would have felt like I was implying I could make them better myself or something.  They are far wealthier than us and I see now that I just assumed they were happy to host all of us...it SHOULD have occurred to me over the years to say, “Hosting all of us must be so expensive...is there a way I can chip in?”...but that would have been so awkward and, again, it just never occurred to me.  They never gave any sign or hint that they were annoyed; it was all gracious smiles and welcomes.

I don’t blame them for not wanting to shoulder the burden all that time, and I’m ashamed I didn’t understand their expectations.  I just thought I was a guest and that that meant that I enjoyed their hospitality and graciously thanked them.

I loved spending time with them and didn’t know they considered me a mooch.  I am nearly 50 and still learning all of these unspoken rules I never learned as a kid, that others seem to think everyone knows.

Your cousin clearly loves you and this tradition, OP.  Maybe she is depressed, maybe she has no idea you have a problem with a dynamic.  Maybe she is needy and passive. Maybe, as you so condescendingly day, she is “limited”.  If you “ride or die” by family, why be so scornful and cruel?  If she is family...why not be kind and have the courage to kindly be CLEAR with your needs and expectations?  Do you honestly think she is just an uncaring user who doesn’t give a sh*t what you think of her and just wants someone to make her sandwiches?????? Maybe she loves your sandwiches.  Maybe she has great memories of her older cousin’s tuna sandwiches, feeling loved and cared for.  Maybe she has no idea who annoying she is to you and your friend.

If you’re going to b*tch  about her behind her back and just roll your eyes around her and be passive aggressive another year, do her the favor of disinviting her.  But YOU are the problem then.  If you claim you care about family, do the LOVING thing and love her enough to tell her your needs and expectations, clearly.[/quote]

Ugh. Why didn’t the cousins just say to you, hey could you bring a side or dessert?[/quote]

I don’t understand how by your 30s or 40s (?!) it didn’t occur to you to ever say “what can I contribute to Thanksgiving dinner?”   Asking basic questions like that would have allowed your cousins to signal to you that they would appreciate some help. Sorry, I don’t completely buy this person’s claim of ignorance. [/quote]

NP here.  At some point in my 20’s or early 30’s, I did start asking if we could bring anything, and my aunt suggested bringing wine.  So we got in the habit of bringing a selection of wine, beer, and hard liquor (some of which would be consumed, and the rest we figured was a gift to the house.)  Either my brother or I would also bring pies or other dessert food once we became adults.  It never occurred to me to ask if we should cook.  Some of the reason why was because I lived many states away, so it wasn’t like I had my own kitchen there.  But even if I stayed with my parents, it never occurred to me to offer to cook sides just because...we never had.  We had been in that dynamic for DECADES.  I can see now that maybe they were seething for decades and it finally erupted.  But I genuinely had no idea.  I only heard second hand that they had been complaining that we never shared cooking duties.

Anyway, it may be hard for you to believe but it has taken a LONG time for me to develop what some people would consider normal social skills.  There is no school for this if you don’t get it as a kid.  I can’t sign up for an adult ed class.  I’ve picked up some from reading novels and such.  But I spend a lot of energy just surviving, imperfectly.  One of my brothers died by suicide.  My parents were both addicts and had many other issues with mental health.  I’ve got a lot in my plate.  But I am loving and mean well.  If someone lets me know I have crossed a boundary or done something wrong, I am grateful for the info.[/quote]

Thanks for sharing this perspective. Personally, as a host, I would be completely fine with people “just” bringing drinks and desserts. Especially if they are traveling from out of town. [/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics