I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:One of the most pulled together guy that I know, Colonel W.,
got his girlfriend pregnant when they were both 18. He joined the army to pay the bills. He said he knew there was no other way. They got married at 18. Neither family thought it would work. Family financial support was not an option as they were both from large families in Detroit. Colonel W and wife are still together several decades later.

OP here - I wish my story will have a happy ending like this.

Colonel Ws notwithstanding, how many of you are still with your high school boyfriends? I was “in love” with mine for a year but we broke up after graduation and never looked back. Chances are that OP’s daughter and her bf will not stay together. Most college guys would not have considered an unmarried single mother to be marriage material.

+1. I think a lot of posters are making a huge assumption that a teenage boy is going to (i) stay with OP's DD and (ii) want to raise a child.

A lot of 18 year olds enlist and it would take the burden off of OP. OP, I would ask your daughter if the boyfriend has talked to the recruiters at the different services
so that he gets a guaranteed paycheck and learns a trade to support her and the little one.

PP here and I enlisted at 17 so I know the deal but my point is that it's a huge leap to assume this boy is going to be willing to upend his entire life for the new child. Whether he should or shoudn't isn't really my point but rather that OP's daughter is making what is probably an unrealistic assumption that things with this kid are going to play out the way she wants them to.

Whether this boy stays with Op's daughter, marries her is not really the issue. The issue is that he is just as responsible for this baby as Op's daughter is. Ideally these two young adults will work together to raise this child but regardless of how their relationship pans out, that boy is responsible for providing for his child, too.

I do think the odds are stacked against their relationship with each other lasting. But you never know.

He may be but it's a bad plan to assume he will at this young of an age. He may go off to college and for a few years the child support OPs DD receives will be very minimal. He may also walk out and move on with his life without OPs DD or the baby and the DD needs to prepare for that being a serious possibility.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

The baby is covered under the mothers healthcare until released by the hospital then carried under medicaid.

And the "mother's healthcare" is coming from...where?

Is OP providing it, atm? Who is going to pay the out of pocket expenses for prenatal, delivery, and post-delivery care? What happens if there are complications and OP gets a honking bill?

OP TOLD this girl not to get pregnant - and she ignored it. It's time for this young adult to face up to the fact that choices have consequences. Maybe I'm heartless - and that's fine if that's the perception - but there is no way I would deal with having a screaming infant and all of the attendant time/energy/financial responsibilities on me because my DC were just choosing to be ill-advisedly willful.

OP has heath care, the daughter stays on it until 26. Do you not know how health care works?

Maybe not - but it doesn't sound like you do, either.

https://www.cnbc.com/2019/11/26/when-your-insurer-does-not-cover-your-maternity-costs.html

OP - this may be important information for you.

[Anonymous]

“Approximately 4 million Americans turn 18 each year, but only 30 percent of them can meet the minimum requirements for enlistment, leaving 1.2 million able to serve.“
Military Times, 7/22/19
https://www.militarytimes.com/opinion/commentary/2019/07/23/manning-the-military-americas-problem/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 54 and the idea of raising another person for the next 22 years...ugh. My heart goes out to you, Op. I hope your daughter and this boy grow up mighty fast and become good, solid parents to their child. Praying for you and for them.

It wouldn’t be 22 years

Yeah, for OP it wasn't even 18 …

I have so little pity for OP and so much sympathy for OP's daughter. Frankly, reading OP's posts, it is pretty easy to see why this young woman is making the choices that she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm 54 and the idea of raising another person for the next 22 years...ugh. My heart goes out to you, Op. I hope your daughter and this boy grow up mighty fast and become good, solid parents to their child. Praying for you and for them.

It wouldn’t be 22 years

Yeah, for OP it wasn't even 18 …

I have so little pity for OP and so much sympathy for OP's daughter. Frankly, reading OP's posts, it is pretty easy to see why this young woman is making the choices that she is.

Really, why is she deciding to skip birth control and have a baby while she and the father are still living at their parents’ homes? I really want to know, pp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As an adoptive mom and a foster mom, I am appalled at the callousness of some of the posters here. It certainly explains a lot about how our children came to be in our hearts and home. They are a blessing every minute of every day and I cannot imagine living without them.

OP, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Your daughter has a lot of trust in you that she shared the news of her pregnancy with you and that she is turning to you for help. I have some thoughts about resources but I'm not sure if this thread is the place to post them because of the vitriol from at least one poster. I will keep an eye out in other forums or for a different thread in case you post there.

Good luck to you and hugs. My best wishes for a healthy and happy grandchild who will flourish and thrive in a home filled with tons of love and support.

OP here - I will take the resource recommendations please

The first one will be for you. Since I presume you are employed, you should use your employer's EAP program to talk to someone. Or use your internist/whomever for a recommendation for a therapist. A lot of the decisions you have disclosed here sound like they are made in the heat of the moment and you don't leave yourself (or your daughter) any room to maneuver or negotiate. A sounding board may be helpful in terms of choices you've already made and decisions to be made going forward.

The second one is that all of you need to have a family meeting. Not a yelling, blaming, kicking, knock-out scream-fest but a sit-down, let's talk about this family meeting. All relevant parties need to come if you can get them (daughter, father of the baby, parent/s of the father, other parent/s of your daughter). You may want to have a mediator there (like your church pastor or some other trusted adult). The kids, your daughter and the baby's father, will need to talk about what they plan to do, and the rest of you can chime in with help and/or resources. Of primary importance: prenatal healthcare for your daughter.

The other resources really come from what you need. Is your daughter really kicked out and homeless, or does she have housing? And couch surfing doesn't count btw. If she needs housing then there are places that can help. What jurisdiction are you / your daughter in? Besides state and city/county resources there are even lists of resources through places like the National Women's Law Center's website. But first and foremost please say if your daughter needs housing.

[Anonymous]

17:11 poster, THANK YOU for posting the link about many insurers not covering under 26 adult children’s maternity costs. Wow, this is an eye-opener! I remember when we had our own children, we still paid thousands of dollars out of pocket.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. As an adoptive mom and a foster mom, I am appalled at the callousness of some of the posters here. It certainly explains a lot about how our children came to be in our hearts and home. They are a blessing every minute of every day and I cannot imagine living without them.

OP, I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Your daughter has a lot of trust in you that she shared the news of her pregnancy with you and that she is turning to you for help. I have some thoughts about resources but I'm not sure if this thread is the place to post them because of the vitriol from at least one poster. I will keep an eye out in other forums or for a different thread in case you post there.

Good luck to you and hugs. My best wishes for a healthy and happy grandchild who will flourish and thrive in a home filled with tons of love and support.

OP here - I will take the resource recommendations please

The first one will be for you. Since I presume you are employed, you should use your employer's EAP program to talk to someone. Or use your internist/whomever for a recommendation for a therapist. A lot of the decisions you have disclosed here sound like they are made in the heat of the moment and you don't leave yourself (or your daughter) any room to maneuver or negotiate. A sounding board may be helpful in terms of choices you've already made and decisions to be made going forward.

The second one is that all of you need to have a family meeting. Not a yelling, blaming, kicking, knock-out scream-fest but a sit-down, let's talk about this family meeting. All relevant parties need to come if you can get them (daughter, father of the baby, parent/s of the father, other parent/s of your daughter). You may want to have a mediator there (like your church pastor or some other trusted adult). The kids, your daughter and the baby's father, will need to talk about what they plan to do, and the rest of you can chime in with help and/or resources. Of primary importance: prenatal healthcare for your daughter.

The other resources really come from what you need. Is your daughter really kicked out and homeless, or does she have housing? And couch surfing doesn't count btw. If she needs housing then there are places that can help. What jurisdiction are you / your daughter in? Besides state and city/county resources there are even lists of resources through places like the National Women's Law Center's website. But first and foremost please say if your daughter needs housing.

No none of this.

Daughter is 18 an adult who decided on her own to get pregnant. Yes, she the DD decided to stop her birth control and get pregnant. This again is on her. Mom and dad do not need to have a family meeting. Unless of course it is a come to Jesus meeting where they tell her to get a job, her own health insurance, and a place to live.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP since you have the resources and are the only adult in the picture you will essentially end up raising your grandchild and your daughter play more of a big sister role. If you’re not up for that, I would try to convince your daughter to either abort or put the baby up for adoption. There are choices here.

Where does it say OP has the resources? All I see is OP saying she's a single parent herself.

She was supporting her daughter now with no intention to throw her out. Did she all of a sudden have less rooms in her house?

Uh... what? A room is all a baby needs? Come on now. It may come as a shock to you, but there are many expenses associated with having a baby. Baby formula is expensive if the daughter does not end up breastfeeding. Diapers are expensive. Baby clothes cost money. A crib costs money. A baby car seat costs money. If OP's daughter wants to go to school or get a job, daycare costs money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP since you have the resources and are the only adult in the picture you will essentially end up raising your grandchild and your daughter play more of a big sister role. If you’re not up for that, I would try to convince your daughter to either abort or put the baby up for adoption. There are choices here.

Where does it say OP has the resources? All I see is OP saying she's a single parent herself.

She was supporting her daughter now with no intention to throw her out. Did she all of a sudden have less rooms in her house?

Uh... what? A room is all a baby needs? Come on now. It may come as a shock to you, but there are many expenses associated with having a baby. Baby formula is expensive if the daughter does not end up breastfeeding. Diapers are expensive. Baby clothes cost money. A crib costs money. A baby car seat costs money. If OP's daughter wants to go to school or get a job, daycare costs money.

+1. Cost of raising a child to 18 is $280k, adjusted for inflation. Where is that going to come from?
https://www.investopedia.com/articles/personal-finance/090415/cost-raising-child-america.asp

[Anonymous]

In fact, his parents might be telling their son right now that he and Op's daughter should live with them after the baby is born. Not all guys are complete jerks. Paternal grandparents can be just as involved as maternal grandparents if not more so.

This is what my adopted child's paternal grandparents did. And guess what? The teenage mom didn't want to listen to her MIL any more than she wanted to listen to her mother. Instead, she just wanted to continue her partying life while paternal grandma raised the baby. Eventually teenage mom got ticked off at MIL telling her to grow up and she stormed out with kid in tow and went on public assistance. Child removed from her care due to chronic neglect and substance abuse. Child would have experienced far less trauma had all familial doors been closed to biomom during pregnancy so that she would have had to relinquish child at birth. Irresponsible teenagers---particularly ones that are into chronic partying and abusing drugs and alcohol---should not be parents.

[Anonymous]

More statistics on cost of raising a child to 18, not including college: https://www.usda.gov/media/blog/2017/01/13/cost-raising-child

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

In fact, his parents might be telling their son right now that he and Op's daughter should live with them after the baby is born. Not all guys are complete jerks. Paternal grandparents can be just as involved as maternal grandparents if not more so.

This is what my adopted child's paternal grandparents did. And guess what? The teenage mom didn't want to listen to her MIL any more than she wanted to listen to her mother. Instead, she just wanted to continue her partying life while paternal grandma raised the baby. Eventually teenage mom got ticked off at MIL telling her to grow up and she stormed out with kid in tow and went on public assistance. Child removed from her care due to chronic neglect and substance abuse. Child would have experienced far less trauma had all familial doors been closed to biomom during pregnancy so that she would have had to relinquish child at birth. Irresponsible teenagers---particularly ones that are into chronic partying and abusing drugs and alcohol---should not be parents.

Where was the baby's dad during all of this? That is the person who should have stepped up to raise his child along with his parents' help. The baby has two parents.

[Anonymous]

If she chooses to have the child then you help her care for him or her while your DD goes to college locally.

[Anonymous]

OP, could you try to mend the relationship and talk to her? Not in a judgmental way or with ultimatums, but in a loving, open, kind way, as a mom who loves her and wants the best for her? How far along is she with the pregnancy? While I think abortion is sad and could lead to years of guilt and regret, and it is in many cases not the answer, in this is case it might be the least terrible out of all these bad options. It is what I would have done had I been pregnant at 18 (or 20, or 22 for that matter - I had no money or parental support and needed to finish college, establish a career and build some savings before becoming a mom). A child derails a young person's life significantly, and your daughter is not old enough to understand the seriousness of her decision. She has 20 years ahead of her to start a family. She ends a potential human being's life now, yes, but she can give another human being life later on, one who might not have been conceived had she chosen to go ahead with this pregnancy. You should bring a child to this world when you are at least somewhat equipped to raise them and guide them and be there for them emotionally and financially, which your daughter is not based on what you have said.

I have young daughters and hope to never be in this position, and I am sad and sorry you are faced with this situation, OP. Best of luck in whatever path your daughter (and by extension you) end up on. If she ends up having the child, hopefully you can make peace with her decision and help her and guide her.