Blindsided

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

I had a male colleague who did this to his wife. Oddly, his affair partner wasn't significantly younger, just really "physically exciting." His words, not mine. I'd say it was a classic midlife crisis combined with the fact he's probably somewhere on the autism spectrum and genuinely didn't seem to understand that blowing up his marriage would irrepreprably harm his relationship with his 3 kids (they were early to late teens at the time), his financial security (his first wife was a high earning professional who earned as much as he did, his affair partner shopped all the time and expected him to pay her credit card bills), and make things sort of awkward with a lot of his work colleagues who were very uncomfortable with the flamboyant nature of his new relationship. (Oh yes, it also damaged his relationship with his own parents because he opted to bring his affair partner to his parents' traditional post Christmas family snow country get away. People were storming out of the house and walking away into the woods.) A couple of years later I can say his ex wife does seem to be living her best life, kids seem focused on being more stable than dad. It was a traumatic disaster. But most of the innocent parties emerged ok after about 3 years of endless drama.

Menopausal women, and perhaps others, insist that because sex isn't important to them, it's not important at all. Many husbands disagree, and de-wife her.

My response if this was my DH would be "have at it then." But don't expect me to a) make it easy for you or b) not to tell my kids that he cheated.

Because let's turn it around. Just b/c sex is super important to one spouse, doesn't mean it has to be important to the other. If one craves sex more than partnership, that's fine. But be upfront and separate instead of a slimy, stinking cheater who wants to have things both ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knew there were issues. They weren’t having sex and she didn’t think it was a big deal. He thought it was a big deal but didn’t say anything. Someone else stepped up and gave him what he wanted from his wife. It is pretty straightforward, not rocket science.

He knew there were issues, which led to no sex, but didn’t want nor care to address the underlying issues. So checked out and then later cheated, then left his family.

She could have addressed the issues too but she didn't. She wasn't blindsided at all.
Because she didn't make her husband feel wanted, he found someone who wants and appreciates him and left her.
Lesson for today: Make your husband or wife happy otherwise they will leave you and you'll come crying here like OP.

Lol.

She was the only one trying to fix the underlying issues. He didn’t have the balls to, nor look in the mirror. So the divorce is just a matter of time; the kids take it on the chin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Women think they are the price and expect that men will tolerate all their nonsense. That's why they feel blindsided when the man decides to leave.

Most deadweights stay until some younger idiot promises them life without kids and wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

I had a male colleague who did this to his wife. Oddly, his affair partner wasn't significantly younger, just really "physically exciting." His words, not mine. I'd say it was a classic midlife crisis combined with the fact he's probably somewhere on the autism spectrum and genuinely didn't seem to understand that blowing up his marriage would irrepreprably harm his relationship with his 3 kids (they were early to late teens at the time), his financial security (his first wife was a high earning professional who earned as much as he did, his affair partner shopped all the time and expected him to pay her credit card bills), and make things sort of awkward with a lot of his work colleagues who were very uncomfortable with the flamboyant nature of his new relationship. (Oh yes, it also damaged his relationship with his own parents because he opted to bring his affair partner to his parents' traditional post Christmas family snow country get away. People were storming out of the house and walking away into the woods.) A couple of years later I can say his ex wife does seem to be living her best life, kids seem focused on being more stable than dad. It was a traumatic disaster. But most of the innocent parties emerged ok after about 3 years of endless drama.

Menopausal women, and perhaps others, insist that because sex isn't important to them, it's not important at all. Many husbands disagree, and de-wife her.

Only take away here is that his first batch of kids were not and are not important to him. Quite low on the totem pole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give that man a break.
He fell in love with a colleague. He doesn’t love his wife anymore.
You don’t control who you fall in love with. What should he do? Ignore his feelings and live a miserable life with someone he no longer loves?
He made the right decision for both of them. I bet that she doesn’t love him either.

Then don't have kids to start with.

[Anonymous]

Lots of marriages are loveless or respect less, but if you have kids….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The marriage was at best on cruise control. Two big careers, three daughters and he may have felt like the odd man out. Daily he’s with a late 30s woman likely smart and attractive and he begins to see a happier path. Did your friend put all of her attention on her job and daughters?

Why all the hate on the woman? Why don't you ask why the husband chose to violate his vows? Why couldn't he put more effort into the marriage?

[Anonymous]

Amazing that they both aren’t putting a significant amount of their attention on their three children. Wtf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give that man a break.
He fell in love with a colleague. He doesn’t love his wife anymore.
You don’t control who you fall in love with. What should he do? Ignore his feelings and live a miserable life with someone he no longer loves?
He made the right decision for both of them. I bet that she doesn’t love him either.

Then don't have kids to start with.

The children will be okay. Divorce today is not the same as it was 50 years ago. People have figured out how to handle it. Half of all marriages end in divorce, which means that half of the population has parents who are divorced or grew up in single-parent households. This is now the norm. Deal with it. Don't cry. Life goes on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knew there were issues. They weren’t having sex and she didn’t think it was a big deal. He thought it was a big deal but didn’t say anything. Someone else stepped up and gave him what he wanted from his wife. It is pretty straightforward, not rocket science.

Yep.

And then it’s rinse and repeat. Honeymoon phase and sex wears off and it’s on the wife #3. He’s then a 55 year old man with 2 ex wives and all of his money going to child support. If he’s lucky he’ll settle with a nice 45 year old for wife #3, more likely he’ll end up with a 35 year old who ends up pregnant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give that man a break.
He fell in love with a colleague. He doesn’t love his wife anymore.
You don’t control who you fall in love with. What should he do? Ignore his feelings and live a miserable life with someone he no longer loves?
He made the right decision for both of them. I bet that she doesn’t love him either.

Then don't have kids to start with.

The children will be okay. Divorce today is not the same as it was 50 years ago. People have figured out how to handle it. Half of all marriages end in divorce, which means that half of the population has parents who are divorced or grew up in single-parent households. This is now the norm. Deal with it. Don't cry. Life goes on.

“The children will be okay” is what cheaters say to justify their wandering d!cks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She knew there were issues. They weren’t having sex and she didn’t think it was a big deal. He thought it was a big deal but didn’t say anything. Someone else stepped up and gave him what he wanted from his wife. It is pretty straightforward, not rocket science.

Yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give that man a break.
He fell in love with a colleague. He doesn’t love his wife anymore.
You don’t control who you fall in love with. What should he do? Ignore his feelings and live a miserable life with someone he no longer loves?
He made the right decision for both of them. I bet that she doesn’t love him either.

Then don't have kids to start with.

The children will be okay. Divorce today is not the same as it was 50 years ago. People have figured out how to handle it. Half of all marriages end in divorce, which means that half of the population has parents who are divorced or grew up in single-parent households. This is now the norm. Deal with it. Don't cry. Life goes on.

No.

First off 40% of children born here are out of wedlock and have no father figure. Are raised by the mother or maternal grandmother.

Of the 60% that do have married parents, half of those are absentee fathers doing no real fathering. Half of this 60% end up divorced. Half of that end up formally or informally not having >20% custody time.

So no, a failure father continues to fail at fathering. Having explicit 50% custody time is meaningless to a bare minimum check the box or avoidant parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knew there were issues. They weren’t having sex and she didn’t think it was a big deal. He thought it was a big deal but didn’t say anything. Someone else stepped up and gave him what he wanted from his wife. It is pretty straightforward, not rocket science.

He knew there were issues, which led to no sex, but didn’t want nor care to address the underlying issues. So checked out and then later cheated, then left his family.

She could have addressed the issues too but she didn't. She wasn't blindsided at all.
Because she didn't make her husband feel wanted, he found someone who wants and appreciates him and left her.
Lesson for today: Make your husband or wife happy otherwise they will leave you and you'll come crying here like OP.

Lol.

She was the only one trying to fix the underlying issues. He didn’t have the balls to, nor look in the mirror. So the divorce is just a matter of time; the kids take it on the chin.

She didn’t try to fix anything. She didn’t even acknowledge that there were issues in the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give that man a break.
He fell in love with a colleague. He doesn’t love his wife anymore.
You don’t control who you fall in love with. What should he do? Ignore his feelings and live a miserable life with someone he no longer loves?
He made the right decision for both of them. I bet that she doesn’t love him either.

Then don't have kids to start with.

The children will be okay. Divorce today is not the same as it was 50 years ago. People have figured out how to handle it. Half of all marriages end in divorce, which means that half of the population has parents who are divorced or grew up in single-parent households. This is now the norm. Deal with it. Don't cry. Life goes on.

No.

First off 40% of children born here are out of wedlock and have no father figure. Are raised by the mother or maternal grandmother.

Of the 60% that do have married parents, half of those are absentee fathers doing no real fathering. Half of this 60% end up divorced. Half of that end up formally or informally not having >20% custody time.

So no, a failure father continues to fail at fathering. Having explicit 50% custody time is meaningless to a bare minimum check the box or avoidant parent.

Your numbers are accurate, but your conclusions are incorrect. The parenting failures you mentioned don't really affect anything. These kids turn out just fine. The society is fine. The country is progressing and is stronger than ever.
You are the only ones panicking.