Blindsided

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex did the same.

Mine too. Actually tomorrow is the 17th anniversary of it. I’m over the trauma of it now. I’ve forgiven him. He apologized to me. We have a reasonable relationship for the kids sake (who were a baby and toddler when it happened).

But it took a while and was devastating

Isn't your life better without him?

SO MUCH BETTER. He just got married for the third time. Maybe this one will stick

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She knew there were issues. They weren’t having sex and she didn’t think it was a big deal. He thought it was a big deal but didn’t say anything. Someone else stepped up and gave him what he wanted from his wife. It is pretty straightforward, not rocket science.

He knew there were issues, which led to no sex, but didn’t want nor care to address the underlying issues. So checked out and then later cheated, then left his family.

She could have addressed the issues too but she didn't. She wasn't blindsided at all.
Because she didn't make her husband feel wanted, he found someone who wants and appreciates him and left her.
Lesson for today: Make your husband or wife happy otherwise they will leave you and you'll come crying here like OP.

Lol.

She was the only one trying to fix the underlying issues. He didn’t have the balls to, nor look in the mirror. So the divorce is just a matter of time; the kids take it on the chin.

She didn’t try to fix anything. She didn’t even acknowledge that there were issues in the marriage.

If the issues were he’s neglecting his kids and wife, then her three bad options were divorce then, or get the kids more independent and eventually divorce/ gray divorce. Or never divorce and carry on parallel lives.

[Anonymous]

I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

And never addresses the role that communication plays in all of it. If a spouse is unhappy, they need to say so. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader, however obvious it might be. Have a serious sit-down discussion before the resentment builds to the point of no return. Before one party has already fully checked out. It doesn’t mean divorce isn’t 100% going to be prevent, but it will prevent the other feeling blindsided if it actually comes to that.

Oh, can’t/don’t wanna have a discussion with your spouse? See above post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How often do you think this happens?

I caught up with a grad school friend I hadn't seen or spoken to in 4 years. Married, 52, three daughters 12, 14, 17, lawyer. Husband is a lawyer too. No abuse, cheating , drugs or excessive alcohol according to her. Just a ho hum, one foot in front of the other marriage.

Husband came home from work one day last February and said:

"I'm done. I'm in love with a colleague (17 years younger) and I want a drama and trauma free divorce. Please don't make this messy for the girls. Please lets just end this. I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen but I don't love you anymore."

It actually made me tear up typing this out because it's just so.... sad. She is a great person- so kind, funny, pretty and now she is.... in deep, deep depression.

I had a male colleague who did this to his wife. Oddly, his affair partner wasn't significantly younger, just really "physically exciting." His words, not mine. I'd say it was a classic midlife crisis combined with the fact he's probably somewhere on the autism spectrum and genuinely didn't seem to understand that blowing up his marriage would irrepreprably harm his relationship with his 3 kids (they were early to late teens at the time), his financial security (his first wife was a high earning professional who earned as much as he did, his affair partner shopped all the time and expected him to pay her credit card bills), and make things sort of awkward with a lot of his work colleagues who were very uncomfortable with the flamboyant nature of his new relationship. (Oh yes, it also damaged his relationship with his own parents because he opted to bring his affair partner to his parents' traditional post Christmas family snow country get away. People were storming out of the house and walking away into the woods.) A couple of years later I can say his ex wife does seem to be living her best life, kids seem focused on being more stable than dad. It was a traumatic disaster. But most of the innocent parties emerged ok after about 3 years of endless drama.

Menopausal women, and perhaps others, insist that because sex isn't important to them, it's not important at all. Many husbands disagree, and de-wife her.

My response if this was my DH would be "have at it then." But don't expect me to a) make it easy for you or b) not to tell my kids that he cheated.

Because let's turn it around. Just b/c sex is super important to one spouse, doesn't mean it has to be important to the other. If one craves sex more than partnership, that's fine. But be upfront and separate instead of a slimy, stinking cheater who wants to have things both ways.

It always amazes me that some women seem to believe very righteously that being asexual is appropriate in a committed, monogamous relationship. Then shaming their husbands for not being asexual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

And never addresses the role that communication plays in all of it. If a spouse is unhappy, they need to say so. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader, however obvious it might be. Have a serious sit-down discussion before the resentment builds to the point of no return. Before one party has already fully checked out. It doesn’t mean divorce isn’t 100% going to be prevent, but it will prevent the other feeling blindsided if it actually comes to that.

Oh, can’t/don’t wanna have a discussion with your spouse? See above post.

There are literally constantly posts here in various threads by women in their 40s and 50s who have lost interest in sex entirely, yet don't see it as a problem at all-- in fact it's their absolute right not only to not have marital sex but to be outraged that their husbands feel differently about it. Op sounds like one of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

And never addresses the role that communication plays in all of it. If a spouse is unhappy, they need to say so. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader, however obvious it might be. Have a serious sit-down discussion before the resentment builds to the point of no return. Before one party has already fully checked out. It doesn’t mean divorce isn’t 100% going to be prevent, but it will prevent the other feeling blindsided if it actually comes to that.

Oh, can’t/don’t wanna have a discussion with your spouse? See above post.

There are literally constantly posts here in various threads by women in their 40s and 50s who have lost interest in sex entirely, yet don't see it as a problem at all-- in fact it's their absolute right not only to not have marital sex but to be outraged that their husbands feel differently about it. Op sounds like one of them.

Cool story. If he doesn’t say “this is a problem for me,” out loud, he’s an AH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

And never addresses the role that communication plays in all of it. If a spouse is unhappy, they need to say so. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader, however obvious it might be. Have a serious sit-down discussion before the resentment builds to the point of no return. Before one party has already fully checked out. It doesn’t mean divorce isn’t 100% going to be prevent, but it will prevent the other feeling blindsided if it actually comes to that.

Oh, can’t/don’t wanna have a discussion with your spouse? See above post.

There are literally constantly posts here in various threads by women in their 40s and 50s who have lost interest in sex entirely, yet don't see it as a problem at all-- in fact it's their absolute right not only to not have marital sex but to be outraged that their husbands feel differently about it. Op sounds like one of them.

Cool story. If he doesn’t say “this is a problem for me,” out loud, he’s an AH.

Are you serious? Or just clueless? He has no right to have an expectation of having sex with his wife. If he dates to bring it up, he's a misogynistic patriarchal abuser, trying to violate her rights and coerce her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

And never addresses the role that communication plays in all of it. If a spouse is unhappy, they need to say so. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader, however obvious it might be. Have a serious sit-down discussion before the resentment builds to the point of no return. Before one party has already fully checked out. It doesn’t mean divorce isn’t 100% going to be prevent, but it will prevent the other feeling blindsided if it actually comes to that.

Oh, can’t/don’t wanna have a discussion with your spouse? See above post.

Don’t try to twist the characters.

H: we need to have sex
W: I’m not feeling it, you have anger outbursts too much and don’t pull your weight in the house.
H: so what, we need to have sex’s we’re married.
W: I’m exhausted and hurt you aren’t engaged with the family or me or the house.
H: what? Look you left your shoes out! Right there you hypocrite! We need to have sex’s, it’s gods way.
W: again, I don’t feel safe or attached to you when you’re a never around or involved in our lives.
H: I work extremely hard for this family. I do it all for this family! I’m going to make a lot of ic one this year. You’re wrong.

(Walks off to fondle his iPhone)

Rinse and repeat.

[Anonymous]

Pretty sure she told the dude many times to pull his weight with the kids and household.
If he erupted each time they have a deadweight husband who’s verbally abusive.
That’s why they eventually divorce. Not because the overworked wife isn’t having sex with the abusive deadweight husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

And never addresses the role that communication plays in all of it. If a spouse is unhappy, they need to say so. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader, however obvious it might be. Have a serious sit-down discussion before the resentment builds to the point of no return. Before one party has already fully checked out. It doesn’t mean divorce isn’t 100% going to be prevent, but it will prevent the other feeling blindsided if it actually comes to that.

Oh, can’t/don’t wanna have a discussion with your spouse? See above post.

Don’t try to twist the characters.

H: we need to have sex
W: I’m not feeling it, you have anger outbursts too much and don’t pull your weight in the house.
H: so what, we need to have sex’s we’re married.
W: I’m exhausted and hurt you aren’t engaged with the family or me or the house.
H: what? Look you left your shoes out! Right there you hypocrite! We need to have sex’s, it’s gods way.
W: again, I don’t feel safe or attached to you when you’re a never around or involved in our lives.
H: I work extremely hard for this family. I do it all for this family! I’m going to make a lot of ic one this year. You’re wrong.

(Walks off to fondle his iPhone)

Rinse and repeat.

A woman's lack of sexual desire is not driven by the man not doing chores nor by the man having angry outbursts. Plenty of couples fight but then have hot make up sex. Plenty of woman have sex with their husbands and enjoy it even if he doesn't split the household chores 50/50.

[Anonymous]

So the dude is told he’s not attractive due to his temper tantrums and they won’t be having sex again until those stop.

He doesn’t change, cheats and then divorces his family.

Sounds semi-common. Selfish but happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So the dude is told he’s not attractive due to his temper tantrums and they won’t be having sex again until those stop.

He doesn’t change, cheats and then divorces his family.

Sounds semi-common. Selfish but happens.

Yup. The wife is never at fault in these situations. But if it happened the way to suppose, a temper tantrum throwing maniac who she threw down a hard line no more sex dictum as a very crude behavioral control attempt, why on earth would she be blind sided when the marriage failed completely?

She should have already known it was on the rocks. So your version of reality doesn't explain why ops friend was "blind sided."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

And never addresses the role that communication plays in all of it. If a spouse is unhappy, they need to say so. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader, however obvious it might be. Have a serious sit-down discussion before the resentment builds to the point of no return. Before one party has already fully checked out. It doesn’t mean divorce isn’t 100% going to be prevent, but it will prevent the other feeling blindsided if it actually comes to that.

Oh, can’t/don’t wanna have a discussion with your spouse? See above post.

Don’t try to twist the characters.

H: we need to have sex
W: I’m not feeling it, you have anger outbursts too much and don’t pull your weight in the house.
H: so what, we need to have sex’s we’re married.
W: I’m exhausted and hurt you aren’t engaged with the family or me or the house.
H: what? Look you left your shoes out! Right there you hypocrite! We need to have sex’s, it’s gods way.
W: again, I don’t feel safe or attached to you when you’re a never around or involved in our lives.
H: I work extremely hard for this family. I do it all for this family! I’m going to make a lot of ic one this year. You’re wrong.

(Walks off to fondle his iPhone)

Rinse and repeat.

A woman's lack of sexual desire is not driven by the man not doing chores nor by the man having angry outbursts.

Plenty of couples fight but then have hot make up sex. Plenty of woman have sex with their husbands and enjoy it even if he doesn't split the household chores 50/50.

Yes it is.

Explosive ManChild is not attractive. Nor marriage or parenting material.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how some clown keeps harping that the issue is lack of sex yet never admits that’s driven by broken trust, reliability and respect.

It’s like saying you are shocked you have a cavity yet constantly eat krap and don’t brush your teeth. Is the real issue the cavity or your bad habits?

Delulu.

And never addresses the role that communication plays in all of it. If a spouse is unhappy, they need to say so. Don’t assume the other person is a mind reader, however obvious it might be. Have a serious sit-down discussion before the resentment builds to the point of no return. Before one party has already fully checked out. It doesn’t mean divorce isn’t 100% going to be prevent, but it will prevent the other feeling blindsided if it actually comes to that.

Oh, can’t/don’t wanna have a discussion with your spouse? See above post.

Don’t try to twist the characters.

H: we need to have sex
W: I’m not feeling it, you have anger outbursts too much and don’t pull your weight in the house.
H: so what, we need to have sex’s we’re married.
W: I’m exhausted and hurt you aren’t engaged with the family or me or the house.
H: what? Look you left your shoes out! Right there you hypocrite! We need to have sex’s, it’s gods way.
W: again, I don’t feel safe or attached to you when you’re a never around or involved in our lives.
H: I work extremely hard for this family. I do it all for this family! I’m going to make a lot of ic one this year. You’re wrong.

(Walks off to fondle his iPhone)

Rinse and repeat.

A woman's lack of sexual desire is not driven by the man not doing chores nor by the man having angry outbursts.

Plenty of couples fight but then have hot make up sex. Plenty of woman have sex with their husbands and enjoy it even if he doesn't split the household chores 50/50.

Yes it is.

Explosive ManChild is not attractive. Nor marriage or parenting material.

Agreed. How many women post here about their awful husbands and the universal reaction is “ugh that’s so unattractive.” Being a disengaged and entitled ahole but wanting to use your wife’s holes is NOT attractive.

And sorry, unless a man is moviestar-level hot, his mere existence does not make his wife 💦.