Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

This seems like the gender reverse of the sexless marriage threads.

People talking about what they want from their spouses and others saying that no one has literally died from not doing it.

Relationships with coaches don’t deteriorate because you don’t write thank you notes.

Someone earlier said some people are addicted to resentment - that was so true.

Relationships deteriorate because people only do what they think is important and don’t care about what their spouse wants.

Sorry. I saw that you wrote “relationships with coaches.”
Maybe you weee responding to the wrong person? Unless you want your spouse to have sex with your kids coaches

You missed the point. If you don’t have sex with your spouse, your relationship will deteriorate. If the family doesn’t send thank you notes to a coach, the relationship with the coach doesn’t deteriorate. So why does one person get to decide that this is a family activity which requires full adult participation? Are you saying your marriage will deteriorate because one spouse doesn’t want to participate in time consuming activities that matter because the other spouse can’t prioritize?

Yes!! Bingo!

If you don’t prioritize the activities that your spouse thinks are important, then your marriage will deteriorate!!

And it isn’t that time consuming. I mean, how long does it take to write a thank you note? 5 minutes?
Probably if OP’s husband spent 30 minutes doing this stuff 2-3 times a week, she would be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

This seems like the gender reverse of the sexless marriage threads.

People talking about what they want from their spouses and others saying that no one has literally died from not doing it.

Relationships with coaches don’t deteriorate because you don’t write thank you notes.

Someone earlier said some people are addicted to resentment - that was so true.

Relationships deteriorate because people only do what they think is important and don’t care about what their spouse wants.

Sorry. I saw that you wrote “relationships with coaches.”
Maybe you weee responding to the wrong person? Unless you want your spouse to have sex with your kids coaches

You missed the point. If you don’t have sex with your spouse, your relationship will deteriorate. If the family doesn’t send thank you notes to a coach, the relationship with the coach doesn’t deteriorate. So why does one person get to decide that this is a family activity which requires full adult participation? Are you saying your marriage will deteriorate because one spouse doesn’t want to participate in time consuming activities that matter because the other spouse can’t prioritize?

Yes!! Bingo!

If you don’t prioritize the activities that your spouse thinks are important, then your marriage will deteriorate!!

And it isn’t that time consuming. I mean, how long does it take to write a thank you note? 5 minutes?
Probably if OP’s husband spent 30 minutes doing this stuff 2-3 times a week, she would be happy.

OPs husband does what she asks. She is resentful she needs to ask.

This problem has been solved though; increase his task load to offset the project management task load.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

This seems like the gender reverse of the sexless marriage threads.

People talking about what they want from their spouses and others saying that no one has literally died from not doing it.

Relationships with coaches don’t deteriorate because you don’t write thank you notes.

Someone earlier said some people are addicted to resentment - that was so true.

Relationships deteriorate because people only do what they think is important and don’t care about what their spouse wants.

Sorry. I saw that you wrote “relationships with coaches.”
Maybe you weee responding to the wrong person? Unless you want your spouse to have sex with your kids coaches

You missed the point. If you don’t have sex with your spouse, your relationship will deteriorate. If the family doesn’t send thank you notes to a coach, the relationship with the coach doesn’t deteriorate. So why does one person get to decide that this is a family activity which requires full adult participation? Are you saying your marriage will deteriorate because one spouse doesn’t want to participate in time consuming activities that matter because the other spouse can’t prioritize?

Yes!! Bingo!

If you don’t prioritize the activities that your spouse thinks are important, then your marriage will deteriorate!!

And it isn’t that time consuming. I mean, how long does it take to write a thank you note? 5 minutes?
Probably if OP’s husband spent 30 minutes doing this stuff 2-3 times a week, she would be happy.

What if your spouse is unable to prioritize what’s important? Doesn’t matter? Writing a thank you note to coach is unimportant. Says a lot about some of you who would let unimportant tasks damage your marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

I'm a mom and a room mom and a full-time lawyer for a huge firm. I send emails to all the parents in the class asking for things. Whether the moms or the dads answer is up to that family. I also have no problem whatsoever telling people that something is my husband's responsibility and not feeling bad about it. Where are these different expectations coming from? If someone is telling you they think you, as the mom, was responsible for a specific task because you're a woman, I would say no, in our household we are both responsible for that, and move on. If you're putting the expectations on yourself, then that's your problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

This seems like the gender reverse of the sexless marriage threads.

People talking about what they want from their spouses and others saying that no one has literally died from not doing it.

Relationships with coaches don’t deteriorate because you don’t write thank you notes.

Someone earlier said some people are addicted to resentment - that was so true.

Relationships deteriorate because people only do what they think is important and don’t care about what their spouse wants.

Sorry. I saw that you wrote “relationships with coaches.”
Maybe you weee responding to the wrong person? Unless you want your spouse to have sex with your kids coaches

You missed the point. If you don’t have sex with your spouse, your relationship will deteriorate. If the family doesn’t send thank you notes to a coach, the relationship with the coach doesn’t deteriorate. So why does one person get to decide that this is a family activity which requires full adult participation? Are you saying your marriage will deteriorate because one spouse doesn’t want to participate in time consuming activities that matter because the other spouse can’t prioritize?

Yes!! Bingo!

If you don’t prioritize the activities that your spouse thinks are important, then your marriage will deteriorate!!

And it isn’t that time consuming. I mean, how long does it take to write a thank you note? 5 minutes?
Probably if OP’s husband spent 30 minutes doing this stuff 2-3 times a week, she would be happy.

What if your spouse is unable to prioritize what’s important? Doesn’t matter? Writing a thank you note to coach is unimportant. Says a lot about some of you who would let unimportant tasks damage your marriage.

I have read enough threads on sexless marriages on this forum that I can tell you a lot of women don’t think sex is important to a marriage either. It’s not about what you think is important. It’s about prioritizing what your spouse thinks is important.

“ She Divorced Me Because I Left Dishes By The Sink”

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288/amp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

But here’s what he doesn’t get - it affects your kids. Even if it shouldn’t.

The teachers may find out who didn’t contribute. They will know if they don’t receive a gift from your family. They may think you aren’t good for it or don’t care, which means they could treat your child differently.

Then there are the PTA moms or whoever is doing the class gift and they also could judge and it could affect your child.

You are really stretching here to make your point. I say this as a woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

This seems like the gender reverse of the sexless marriage threads.

People talking about what they want from their spouses and others saying that no one has literally died from not doing it.

Relationships with coaches don’t deteriorate because you don’t write thank you notes.

Someone earlier said some people are addicted to resentment - that was so true.

Relationships deteriorate because people only do what they think is important and don’t care about what their spouse wants.

Sorry. I saw that you wrote “relationships with coaches.”
Maybe you weee responding to the wrong person? Unless you want your spouse to have sex with your kids coaches

You missed the point. If you don’t have sex with your spouse, your relationship will deteriorate. If the family doesn’t send thank you notes to a coach, the relationship with the coach doesn’t deteriorate. So why does one person get to decide that this is a family activity which requires full adult participation? Are you saying your marriage will deteriorate because one spouse doesn’t want to participate in time consuming activities that matter because the other spouse can’t prioritize?

Said like someone who never thanks people for things.

I would argue that especially in a long relationship, expressing gratitude and acknowledgment for the other person is more important than sex. Early on the reverse might be true, but I'm 20 years into my relationship with my spouse and if we don't have sex for a month or something, I do not think it has any impact on our relationship at all (and we've gone that long and longer at various points due to things like injuries, mental health, grief, etc.).

Whereas expressing gratitude is essential to all of my relationships, including my marriage. We virtually never go a single day without thanking each other for something, whether it's unloading the dishwasher or listening to the other person vent about work or, yes, taking the time for physical intimacy.

Likewise, I think thanking the other adults in my kids' lives for their efforts is essential to our relationship -- I want those adults to know that I realize their job is not simple or easy and I see the benefits it has for my kids. I think that's really important and that if you never take the time to thank such people, you are undermining those relationships. Maybe that relationship doesn't matter to you, I sense it does not. But failing to thank them is absolutely harming the relationship, it's just you don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

Depends on what your standards are and how you grew up.

If you grew up in an UMC household with educated and successful parents then yes, you do things like buy teachers a Christmas gift, put up a tree, presents in stockings etc. That is the bare minimum. There is a laundry list of things successful adults in America do that aren’t really critical. Like investing in a 529, annual skin checks, proper clothing for kids, annual ski and beach vacations, etc. I am sure people living in trailer parks aren’t worried about a teacher gift and don’t have 529 accounts.

If your husband also grew up this way then he too expects these things. The problem is that women are expected to work and held to a similar standard financially, but are also expected to do all of the things necessary to maintain a household and live an UMC life.

I grew up UMC and am still UMC. I give teachers Amazon gift cards. It takes maybe ten minutes. I do it sometimes, other times my husband does. If you didn't marry someone who had the same expectations for what needs to be done as you, then that's a you problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I promise your teacher isn’t judging who gave her a gift and isn’t going to find out who contributed to the class gift. And the mom collecting for the gift would be a jerk if she did. I have both been the collecting mom and the mom who forgot to contribute. It’s fine.

+1000 Same here. My best friend of 35 years is also a teacher and would say the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

But here’s what he doesn’t get - it affects your kids. Even if it shouldn’t.

The teachers may find out who didn’t contribute. They will know if they don’t receive a gift from your family. They may think you aren’t good for it or don’t care, which means they could treat your child differently.

Then there are the PTA moms or whoever is doing the class gift and they also could judge and it could affect your child.

You are really stretching here to make your point. I say this as a woman.

I don't think you should give money to a class gift because you are worried the teachers will find out and treat your child differently (I know a lot of teachers and none of them would ever do this).

I think you should donate to the class gift because if you don't, you are freeloading on the generosity of others. If you can't afford it that's one thing (though most people can afford to donate $5 to get a teacher a Starbucks gift card or something), but if you can afford it and just choose not to, it's unethical. I guess a lot of people don't care about that, but I do.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

This seems like the gender reverse of the sexless marriage threads.

People talking about what they want from their spouses and others saying that no one has literally died from not doing it.

Relationships with coaches don’t deteriorate because you don’t write thank you notes.

Someone earlier said some people are addicted to resentment - that was so true.

Relationships deteriorate because people only do what they think is important and don’t care about what their spouse wants.

Sorry. I saw that you wrote “relationships with coaches.”
Maybe you weee responding to the wrong person? Unless you want your spouse to have sex with your kids coaches

You missed the point. If you don’t have sex with your spouse, your relationship will deteriorate. If the family doesn’t send thank you notes to a coach, the relationship with the coach doesn’t deteriorate. So why does one person get to decide that this is a family activity which requires full adult participation? Are you saying your marriage will deteriorate because one spouse doesn’t want to participate in time consuming activities that matter because the other spouse can’t prioritize?

Said like someone who never thanks people for things.

I would argue that especially in a long relationship, expressing gratitude and acknowledgment for the other person is more important than sex. Early on the reverse might be true, but I'm 20 years into my relationship with my spouse and if we don't have sex for a month or something, I do not think it has any impact on our relationship at all (and we've gone that long and longer at various points due to things like injuries, mental health, grief, etc.).

Whereas expressing gratitude is essential to all of my relationships, including my marriage. We virtually never go a single day without thanking each other for something, whether it's unloading the dishwasher or listening to the other person vent about work or, yes, taking the time for physical intimacy.

Likewise, I think thanking the other adults in my kids' lives for their efforts is essential to our relationship -- I want those adults to know that I realize their job is not simple or easy and I see the benefits it has for my kids. I think that's really important and that if you never take the time to thank such people, you are undermining those relationships. Maybe that relationship doesn't matter to you, I sense it does not. But failing to thank them is absolutely harming the relationship, it's just you don't care.

Lots of assumptions here, particularly that I don’t thank people. Weird shade from a woman who is married to man who thinks thanking people is beyond him. Sounds like you are a problematic woman since you have shade for me but not your helpless husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely obsessed with these people who assume the woman resentful of the mental load must be a SAHM or has some sort of “for fun” job. I know moms in hetero marriages who are the default parent and household manager and make double what the husband makes.

Statistically these cases are rare as you are well aware.

Maybe making double is rare. Women working full-time with kids along with their husbands is not. In fact, in 45% of marriages, the wife earns the same or more.

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2023/04/13/in-a-growing-share-of-u-s-marriages-husbands-and-wives-earn-about-the-same/

+1

I make almost 3 times what my husband does, and I know a number of other women in a similar position. We are all the default parents and carry the majority of the mental load.

So stop.

And neglect the children? Yeah, great solution.

I stopped cooking and my husband looked like a deer in the headlights at first but then he started scrambling. First he ordered take out, then bought prepared meals at Whole Foods, and now he’s getting the meal boxes with ingredients that he cooks. No, my kids weren’t neglected. And, it turns out, he could and would cook if I stopped cooking. I did the same thing with Summer camps: told him in December that I was no longer in charge of securing Summer camps, let him know if he didn’t have a plan for the kids by early January, we’d be screwed. Lo and be hold he got it done and is now on Year 3 of being Summer camp organizer. I no longer think about it…well except for now while writing this. Some things will go awry, it will be ugly sometimes but it’s worth it.

PPs aren’t suggesting shifting the load to their husbands. They’re suggesting abandoning key work—like finding summer camps—altogether, insisting it isn’t actually necessary and that these women’s stressors are all in their heads.

Summer camp isn't key work. It's not that the problem is all in your head, it's that the problem is your attachment to unnecessary things.

Are you offering to provide childcare for me each summer? I didn't think so.

STAHHHHP. Planning your cobbled care for the summer is a minor task, as is hitting refresh a hundred times in one week in January and making sure your registrations get done. I've done this, so don't swing at me like I don't know exactly what sort of labor this is. It's a minor once-a-year task that gets easier as your kid ages. Stop acting like you do this every damned day because you obviously don't. If your kid needs care, this is literally your job. Do it and STFU about it.

Why isn't it BOTH parents' jobs?

Why do you need two adults to register a kid for summer activities? It's not that big a deal! Y'all act like you want medal for hitting refresh a few times and spending money online. If you need to put your kid in care to go to work, this is your responsibility. If your spouse also needs this care to work, it could just as easily be their responsibility. it's a minor responsibility, but if you need to have a discussion to delegate, go ahead. Personally, I would just do the damned thing and be done with it because it's really not a big thing to do.

Want a cookie?

Take Summer camp and multiply it by thousands of tasks a year and then multiply it by 18 years. The fact that you can’t see that tells me you are either math deficient, superwoman, or purposely being obtuse to make other womem feel like crap. Here’s your cookie.

+1

I'm a woman and I am luckily married to a man who is an engaged and active father who does his half of the work needed to raise children and run a household but I'm not crapping on the women who are saying they are feeling like too much of the mental load is on them. That sounds awful, and I sympathize with them. When someone uses an example of something they always have to be responsible for even though it benefits both parents equally, rather than trying to argue about the exact amount of effort required to do that activity, maybe next time just shut your mouth and don't act like such an a$$.

Are you saying these husbands do nothing that doesn’t benefit the wife? These threads only look at certain tasks in isolation.

No, I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying that for women who come on here saying that they are shouldering too much of the mental load, maybe people could either be supportive, empathetic, or helpful. Why kick someone when they're down?

[Anonymous]

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Well, single mom, since you have no idea how to keep a marriage together and working, you aren’t really a good person to comment on relationship dynamics, are you?

How do you know the reasons for being single?

Anonymous wrote: I’m glad that you want to do everything alone. Some of us want to find a way to raise our children with involved partners.

Most of the responses on these threads are descriptions of a husband completely incapable of involvement, and assurances they will never be capable of involvement. In many cases, they are abusive and should not be around children. These women arguably should be single, and probably would be if given the opportunity to be safe with their children from a husband who would harm them with abuse or neglect during and after a divorce.

But yes to the minority of respondents who have husbands who can be involved, they should be and it's worth fighting for.

That's irrelevant. The point is that someone who isn't married isn't a good person to comment on the dynamics of a marriage. I don't play lacrosse so I shouldn't opine on how to do so. I do play water polo, so I can speak competently on that topic. It's not rocket science. (Which I don't know about and shouldn't give my opinion on).

Sounds like some of you want to have it both ways - you want to tell us marriage dynamics are so important while telling us you are married to a useless AH.

I'm actually not married to a useless AH. Perhaps I am competent enough to give marriage advice on this topic since my husband and I have worked jointly to create an equitable household with which we are both happy.

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Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

This seems like the gender reverse of the sexless marriage threads.

People talking about what they want from their spouses and others saying that no one has literally died from not doing it.

Relationships with coaches don’t deteriorate because you don’t write thank you notes.

Someone earlier said some people are addicted to resentment - that was so true.

Relationships deteriorate because people only do what they think is important and don’t care about what their spouse wants.

Sorry. I saw that you wrote “relationships with coaches.”
Maybe you weee responding to the wrong person? Unless you want your spouse to have sex with your kids coaches

You missed the point. If you don’t have sex with your spouse, your relationship will deteriorate. If the family doesn’t send thank you notes to a coach, the relationship with the coach doesn’t deteriorate. So why does one person get to decide that this is a family activity which requires full adult participation? Are you saying your marriage will deteriorate because one spouse doesn’t want to participate in time consuming activities that matter because the other spouse can’t prioritize?

Said like someone who never thanks people for things.

I would argue that especially in a long relationship, expressing gratitude and acknowledgment for the other person is more important than sex. Early on the reverse might be true, but I'm 20 years into my relationship with my spouse and if we don't have sex for a month or something, I do not think it has any impact on our relationship at all (and we've gone that long and longer at various points due to things like injuries, mental health, grief, etc.).

Whereas expressing gratitude is essential to all of my relationships, including my marriage. We virtually never go a single day without thanking each other for something, whether it's unloading the dishwasher or listening to the other person vent about work or, yes, taking the time for physical intimacy.

Likewise, I think thanking the other adults in my kids' lives for their efforts is essential to our relationship -- I want those adults to know that I realize their job is not simple or easy and I see the benefits it has for my kids. I think that's really important and that if you never take the time to thank such people, you are undermining those relationships. Maybe that relationship doesn't matter to you, I sense it does not. But failing to thank them is absolutely harming the relationship, it's just you don't care.

Lots of assumptions here, particularly that I don’t thank people. Weird shade from a woman who is married to man who thinks thanking people is beyond him. Sounds like you are a problematic woman since you have shade for me but not your helpless husband.

She said that her husband doesn’t go a day without thanking her for something.
You said that thanking someone is a “time consuming activity that doesn’t matter.”