Extreme resentment over mental load

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread reminded me that women are often the ones who perpetuate inequality. Many women here are minimizing OPs frustrations, mocking her situation, criticizing her choice of husband, or downright demeaning her for feeling the very real weight of the lopsided expectations on women versus men. OP, you have every right to feel frustrated. There are some very helpful ideas in this thread despite the others. I hope they help you. You might also look at Fairplay, a good book with data affirming your experience and strategies for how to manage this issue: https://www.fairplaylife.com

This has been described here as UMC women marrying UMC men who expect the woman to manage UMC "standards".

Resisting these "expectations" is a choice. Resisting these "expectations" will not result in a crisis. Resisting these "expectations" should be normalized. If you choose to cave to these "expectations" and harbor extreme resentment, that is your choice.

But then they would have to admit that they get something from upholding these expectations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don't have a partner in your husband and it is breaking you, divorce. Seriously.

It's a really good vibe check. Are you willing to do this alone? If so, ditch the not-partner and do it alone. Otherwise, figure out what's so upsetting about it and shift your attitude. Maybe you need to cut back, or maybe you're tired and overreacting. Or maybe you need to ask for help you haven't articulated needing, instead of assuming your partner knows. Do what you can to adjust your circumstances, then adjust your perception and attitude about them.

Surely you recognize that getting a divorce isn't as simple as deciding you are willing to do everything alone or you're not. Trying to manage your own feelings while simultaneously determining what's in the best interests of your children is where it is tough.

She is providing OP with options and perspective. This is good for OP's mental well being.

Those options are acting like it's just OP and her husband in their marriage. It's not. That would be easy.

Where are y'all getting this expectation that raising a child should be easy? That you're entitled to ease?

Talk about privilege...

Engaging with you is like trying to have a conversation with a cat.

I think that poster had the best under appreciated comment of the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Well, single mom, since you have no idea how to keep a marriage together and working, you aren’t really a good person to comment on relationship dynamics, are you?

How do you know the reasons for being single?

Anonymous wrote: I’m glad that you want to do everything alone. Some of us want to find a way to raise our children with involved partners.

Most of the responses on these threads are descriptions of a husband completely incapable of involvement, and assurances they will never be capable of involvement. In many cases, they are abusive and should not be around children. These women arguably should be single, and probably would be if given the opportunity to be safe with their children from a husband who would harm them with abuse or neglect during and after a divorce.

But yes to the minority of respondents who have husbands who can be involved, they should be and it's worth fighting for.

That's irrelevant. The point is that someone who isn't married isn't a good person to comment on the dynamics of a marriage.

PP responded her husband is deceased. That's why I asked why single. We didn't know.

I don't play lacrosse so I shouldn't opine on how to do so. I do play water polo, so I can speak competently on that topic. It's not rocket science. (Which I don't know about and shouldn't give my opinion on).

If you are a retired rocket scientist, you can opine on rocket science.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

[Anonymous]

Some of the women on this thread remind me of people I’ve met in real life who have no capacity for empathy or ability to understand other people’s experiences and minimize others’ experiences and then post on DCUM wondering why they don’t have any friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

I would have no respect for a man who said “we” should do these things because they are important but then said Venmo, thank you notes, and online shopping was beyond him. We all make our choices on what’s important when picking a spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some of the women on this thread remind me of people I’ve met in real life who have no capacity for empathy or ability to understand other people’s experiences and minimize others’ experiences and then post on DCUM wondering why they don’t have any friends.

Some of the women on this thread remind me of the people I’ve met in real life you would rather win the martyr Olympics than take the steps to live the life they claim they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

This seems like the gender reverse of the sexless marriage threads.

People talking about what they want from their spouses and others saying that no one has literally died from not doing it.

Relationships with coaches don’t deteriorate because you don’t write thank you notes.

Someone earlier said some people are addicted to resentment - that was so true.

Relationships deteriorate because people only do what they think is important and don’t care about what their spouse wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God, someone makes this exact post every week. It’s so tiresome and repetitive.

This really is a spouse selection issue. The reality is that very few women who complain about husbands not doing housework or carrying mental load prioritized these characteristics when dating.

A few may have been duped by misleading men, but the reality is that the others were too busy focusing on 6-6-6 criteria and now are crying because their man doesn’t want to do laundry when he never did it before marriage either.

What I find tiresome is someone posting this exact rant like 20 times on each of these threads and not giving a sh*t when people explain that was not the case at all, because they enjoy congratulating themselves for being lucky way too much. God do you really not have anything better to do with all your free time that your perfect husband makes available to you?

I'm not the PP and I'm not defending your post, but it seems to me that the main problem with these posts, and others, is that people think certain groups are monoliths and that a singular experience must also be the global experience.

Are there women out there who asked the right questions, considered the right things, and did everything "right" but still ended up with dud husbands and are shocked to find themselves in that situation? Absolutely.

Are there women out there who didn't ask any questions, didn't consider anything, and did nothing "right" and ended up with dud husbands and are *shocked* to find themselves in that situation? Absolutely.

Are there women out there who did it "right" and are married to wonderful men? Yes.

Are there women out there who didn't do it "right" and are married to wonderful men? Yes.

Some people are lucky, some people are unlucky, and some people are somewhere in between.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity what can be changed to improve mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

This seems like the gender reverse of the sexless marriage threads.

People talking about what they want from their spouses and others saying that no one has literally died from not doing it.

Relationships with coaches don’t deteriorate because you don’t write thank you notes.

Someone earlier said some people are addicted to resentment - that was so true.

Relationships deteriorate because people only do what they think is important and don’t care about what their spouse wants.

Sorry. I saw that you wrote “relationships with coaches.”
Maybe you weee responding to the wrong person? Unless you want your spouse to have sex with your kids coaches

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

This seems like the gender reverse of the sexless marriage threads.

People talking about what they want from their spouses and others saying that no one has literally died from not doing it.

Relationships with coaches don’t deteriorate because you don’t write thank you notes.

Someone earlier said some people are addicted to resentment - that was so true.

Relationships deteriorate because people only do what they think is important and don’t care about what their spouse wants.

Sorry. I saw that you wrote “relationships with coaches.”
Maybe you weee responding to the wrong person? Unless you want your spouse to have sex with your kids coaches

You missed the point. If you don’t have sex with your spouse, your relationship will deteriorate. If the family doesn’t send thank you notes to a coach, the relationship with the coach doesn’t deteriorate. So why does one person get to decide that this is a family activity which requires full adult participation? Are you saying your marriage will deteriorate because one spouse doesn’t want to participate in time consuming activities that matter because the other spouse can’t prioritize?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

He’s probably bewildered that you think any of that BS is actually worth doing, let alone delegating.

I’m not writing thank you notes to teachers (I don’t give them gifts either). I don’t make photo albums for grandparents. If my DH felt any of that was important he’s free to take the lead on that - otherwise it’s not getting done.

This seems like the gender reverse of the sexless marriage threads.

People talking about what they want from their spouses and others saying that no one has literally died from not doing it.

Relationships with coaches don’t deteriorate because you don’t write thank you notes.

Someone earlier said some people are addicted to resentment - that was so true.

Relationships deteriorate because people only do what they think is important and don’t care about what their spouse wants.

Sorry. I saw that you wrote “relationships with coaches.”
Maybe you weee responding to the wrong person? Unless you want your spouse to have sex with your kids coaches

You missed the point. If you don’t have sex with your spouse, your relationship will deteriorate. If the family doesn’t send thank you notes to a coach, the relationship with the coach doesn’t deteriorate. So why does one person get to decide that this is a family activity which requires full adult participation? Are you saying your marriage will deteriorate because one spouse doesn’t want to participate in time consuming activities that matter because the other spouse can’t prioritize?

That don’t matter

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately that's how life is for 90% of women.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. We got an email about the "class gift" for one of my kids teachers earlier this week and they haven't sent the money yet because last week I did the money for the PTA fund, the money for the fund to give bonuses to specials teachers, I write thank you cards for each of my kids' EC coaches, and I ordered photo books for both sets of grandparents featuring highlights from their visits with our kids this year.

DH also got the class gift email. He also has Venmo.

If I asked him to do it, he would. He'd also be bewildered -- why ask when it's just a minute in my phone to do it? But it's not really about this one task. So instead i'm sitting on it and feeling resentful, and in the back of my head I'm thinking how the class mom is likely annoyed at me and others who haven't contributed yet, and that's fair because she's going above and beyond in organizing, and yet no one is annoyed with my husband. Except me.

The difference in expectations for moms and dads is vast.

Self imposed expectations seem to be at least part of the issue in a lot of these situations.

Just relax, take a deep breath.

None of the stuff you mentioned is critical. If you are doing things like writing thank you cards and making photo albums it should be done out of love. If you don’t love doing it, if it makes u cranky then just stop. I haven’t written thank you notes to any of my kids coaches and it seems fine.

It is done out of genuine appreciation for my kids' teachers and coaches, and the photo albums are done out of love for my parents and ILs and a desire to support the connection they have to our kids. Donating to school funds is an obligation but I do think it matters -- we can afford to donate something, and I have been in fundraising positions before and know freeloaders are a challenge, so I try to be conscientious towards others when they are fundraising in ways that benefit me and my family.

I'm also fine donating to the fund for the class gift. I'm grateful to the class mom for sorting that out and much prefer a class gift to the awkwardness of some people giving gifts and others not and it just not being clear what is appropriate.

I don't resent the tasks. Also, if you asked my husband if we should do any or all of these things, he'd say yes. He'd say they are important ways to contribute to our community and that the photo books for grandparents are appreciated more than other gifts we give them. But he will never, ever take the initiative to do any of these things. Worse than that, he'd claim it is beyond him. He would never write thank you notes because he has terrible handwriting. He won't donate to the different funds because he will say he has no idea how much to give or what's appropriate and he'd want me to decide. He'd claim that organizing photos for the photo books and loading them into the program to get them printed is just beyond him.

Are these things essential parts of life? No, of course not. If we were struggling for money or overwhelmed with other life events, I wouldn't do any of them. But we're not. "We" can do them. And when "we" do these things, it generates good will in our family and community, it gives my kids a sense of pride and belonging when they are aware of these things, it helps the teachers and coaches and grandparents in our lives feel appreciated and recognized. These are good things. But if I don't do them, they won't happen.

DP this is a different matter as you are not resentful.

If your mental health was compromised, that's a problem; it's appropriate in that circumstance to identity what can be changed to improve mental health.

I think this person IS resentful. Not of the tasks, but of her husband’s persistent expectation that she’ll handle all of them even though they’re things he also cares about.