Husband annoyed at taking his injured daughter to urgent care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, this thread has taken some interesting turns but it’s definitely not a troll post. Sadly this is the real situation in our house right now. Thanks again to everyone who offered real substantive opinions and solutions.

And I’m sure he behaved once he got to urgent care. He’s not so rage-filled that he’s yelling at our kid in front of other people. I don’t think he yelled at her in the car on the way either. He just had to have his temper tantrum on the way out the door to let me know he was so inconvenienced and annoyed that he had to do this.

YUP. Checks out. The tantrum was for your benefit so he can take out his distress on you (as opposed to other people where there would be more consequences) and to put you in your place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The only thing that actually helped us was working 1:1 with a psychologist through an official parent training program.

OP again, this is a great suggestion — how did you find this specialist?

We did it virtually through https://alvordbaker.com/services/parent-training

It was $$$ and there was a significant waitlist but I still consider it one of the best things I did for my marriage and my family.

But unless there is something OP is not telling us, this is not a parenting issue. The older child got a concussion; and the toddler got a nosebleed. The issue is the DH’s reactions not the kids. While I am a huge believer in parent management nothing OP said indicates that there are behavioral issues with the kids, which is what parent management is for.

Marriage therapy would be more on the mark, but only if the DH can actually accept he has a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, this thread has taken some interesting turns but it’s definitely not a troll post. Sadly this is the real situation in our house right now. Thanks again to everyone who offered real substantive opinions and solutions.

And I’m sure he behaved once he got to urgent care. He’s not so rage-filled that he’s yelling at our kid in front of other people. I don’t think he yelled at her in the car on the way either. He just had to have his temper tantrum on the way out the door to let me know he was so inconvenienced and annoyed that he had to do this.

Of course he CAN control himself, he chooses not to because he doesn't view your kids or you as worthy of his respect and self control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, this thread has taken some interesting turns but it’s definitely not a troll post. Sadly this is the real situation in our house right now. Thanks again to everyone who offered real substantive opinions and solutions.

And I’m sure he behaved once he got to urgent care. He’s not so rage-filled that he’s yelling at our kid in front of other people. I don’t think he yelled at her in the car on the way either. He just had to have his temper tantrum on the way out the door to let me know he was so inconvenienced and annoyed that he had to do this.

YUP. Checks out. The tantrum was for your benefit so he can take out his distress on you (as opposed to other people where there would be more consequences) and to put you in your place.

😬

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Because he has a wife to pick up the slack. He takes the path of least resistance. OP doesn’t have a lot of good choices. If she divorces she still has to quit breastfeeding the toddler because it will be all on her to take both kids to the ER next time. Breast milk and rigid bedtime routines be damned.

NP

" rigid bedtime routines" What's that mean?

A routine that allows only one parent to perform it.

She's breastfeeding. But I'm sure this guy is totally dying to perform the nighttime routine and it's mean mommy who devised this plot to alienate him from the kids, since he's such a loving, patient father.

Breastfeeding a toddler is a choice, not a necessity. This mean mommy had not one but two kids with this man. What was she thinking?

Do you know how babies are made? The man has a part in it.

Sure but do you see the one complaining here? Her husband has a good paying cushy job. OP benefits by being a SAHM. She could just go get a job, earn her own money and kick him out. But what she’s going to do is keep complaining to anyone who listens about her poor choices. My mom lived a whole life doing this and died a bitter unhappy woman.

Easy peasy

Much easier for a woman whose oldest child is 6. Presumably she had a job before, no? Do you think it’s easier for a woman with teens? Imagine how this plays out over time. I have a pretty good idea, having seen it first hand.

My SIL did this when her kids were 6 and 2 and was murdered by her STBEx. Nothing easy about it.

Pardon my reading comprehension but are you saying your own brother killed his wife (your SIL)?

Or her husband's brother killed his wife. But yeah, there's a story there, buried in one line of this long thread. RIP PP's SIL.

It was husband's sister that was killed.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Because he has a wife to pick up the slack. He takes the path of least resistance. OP doesn’t have a lot of good choices. If she divorces she still has to quit breastfeeding the toddler because it will be all on her to take both kids to the ER next time. Breast milk and rigid bedtime routines be damned.

NP

" rigid bedtime routines" What's that mean?

A routine that allows only one parent to perform it.

She's breastfeeding. But I'm sure this guy is totally dying to perform the nighttime routine and it's mean mommy who devised this plot to alienate him from the kids, since he's such a loving, patient father.

Breastfeeding a toddler is a choice, not a necessity. This mean mommy had not one but two kids with this man. What was she thinking?

Do you know how babies are made? The man has a part in it.

Sure but do you see the one complaining here? Her husband has a good paying cushy job. OP benefits by being a SAHM. She could just go get a job, earn her own money and kick him out. But what she’s going to do is keep complaining to anyone who listens about her poor choices. My mom lived a whole life doing this and died a bitter unhappy woman.

Easy peasy

Much easier for a woman whose oldest child is 6. Presumably she had a job before, no? Do you think it’s easier for a woman with teens? Imagine how this plays out over time. I have a pretty good idea, having seen it first hand.

My SIL did this when her kids were 6 and 2 and was murdered by her STBEx. Nothing easy about it.

Pardon my reading comprehension but are you saying your own brother killed his wife (your SIL)?

Or her husband's brother killed his wife. But yeah, there's a story there, buried in one line of this long thread. RIP PP's SIL.

It was husband's sister that was killed.

Horric. Sorry. Ugh

[Anonymous]

Horrific ^

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, this thread has taken some interesting turns but it’s definitely not a troll post. Sadly this is the real situation in our house right now. Thanks again to everyone who offered real substantive opinions and solutions.

And I’m sure he behaved once he got to urgent care. He’s not so rage-filled that he’s yelling at our kid in front of other people. I don’t think he yelled at her in the car on the way either. He just had to have his temper tantrum on the way out the door to let me know he was so inconvenienced and annoyed that he had to do this.

YUP. Checks out. The tantrum was for your benefit so he can take out his distress on you (as opposed to other people where there would be more consequences) and to put you in your place.

It completely makes sense. Problem is the DD was there and experienced it too. And the little one will soon pick up the dynamic. Even if DH dgaf about DW he needs to be made to understand this is really hurting his kids. Not that im saying its ok to do that to his wife! Op needs to draw the line here, his behavior was outrageous even if he was nice to his little girl later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The only thing that actually helped us was working 1:1 with a psychologist through an official parent training program.

OP again, this is a great suggestion — how did you find this specialist?

We did it virtually through https://alvordbaker.com/services/parent-training

It was $$$ and there was a significant waitlist but I still consider it one of the best things I did for my marriage and my family.

But unless there is something OP is not telling us, this is not a parenting issue. The older child got a concussion; and the toddler got a nosebleed. The issue is the DH’s reactions not the kids. While I am a huge believer in parent management nothing OP said indicates that there are behavioral issues with the kids, which is what parent management is for.

Marriage therapy would be more on the mark, but only if the DH can actually accept he has a problem.

Yes those are the two big examples she gave, but she also had a paragraph about how he gets frustrated when the kids don’t listen and don’t do what he wants, which are things that happen every day and for us lead to my husband being cranky and feeling like his methods of “discipline” were ok, which they were not, to me. Outside of our house our kid did have SN but was hardly a kid that you would be panicking over (by this point, the kid was medicated and had been in individual therapy for years as well).

I don’t know if it will really fix their situation, but my biggest point is my husband did not ever change because of anything I did. We needed professional help and he found it easier to accept that help when it was focused on our child rather than me saying “you need to be fixed”. I think the person who pointed out that these things are generational hit it on the head. Very likely OP’s husband experienced parenting like this and that is why he is struggling to understand how problematic it is. If OP’s husband is willing to go to marriage counseling that’s also amazing. I think any kind of professional help would be good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

The only thing that actually helped us was working 1:1 with a psychologist through an official parent training program.

OP again, this is a great suggestion — how did you find this specialist?

We did it virtually through https://alvordbaker.com/services/parent-training

It was $$$ and there was a significant waitlist but I still consider it one of the best things I did for my marriage and my family.

But unless there is something OP is not telling us, this is not a parenting issue. The older child got a concussion; and the toddler got a nosebleed. The issue is the DH’s reactions not the kids. While I am a huge believer in parent management nothing OP said indicates that there are behavioral issues with the kids, which is what parent management is for.

Marriage therapy would be more on the mark, but only if the DH can actually accept he has a problem.

Yes those are the two big examples she gave, but she also had a paragraph about how he gets frustrated when the kids don’t listen and don’t do what he wants, which are things that happen every day and for us lead to my husband being cranky and feeling like his methods of “discipline” were ok, which they were not, to me. Outside of our house our kid did have SN but was hardly a kid that you would be panicking over (by this point, the kid was medicated and had been in individual therapy for years as well).

I don’t know if it will really fix their situation, but my biggest point is my husband did not ever change because of anything I did. We needed professional help and he found it easier to accept that help when it was focused on our child rather than me saying “you need to be fixed”. I think the person who pointed out that these things are generational hit it on the head. Very likely OP’s husband experienced parenting like this and that is why he is struggling to understand how problematic it is. If OP’s husband is willing to go to marriage counseling that’s also amazing. I think any kind of professional help would be good.

OK that makes sense … it could also be a venue for OP to raise how he loses his temper around the kids (even if not in reaction to the kids behavior).

I hope he is open to it. My xDH was never open to any kind of advice from anyone. Particularly not female therapists who exuded any hint of authority. (It was kind of morbidly funny to watch him bristle at female therapists exactly the way he would bristle at me.) The only female therapists he listened to were the one who managed to out-alpha him (by saying she would fire us he if didn’t STFU) and the one who was SO skillful that she managed to not trigger him at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

DP
My DH felt like he was doing so so much by cooking dinner every night when DD was a newborn and expected constant gratitude from me. He just didn't notice that I had DD physically attached to me for 12 hours a day and never once cleaned our small apartment.

If PP's DH is doing drop off and pickup AND cleaning the house AND cooking AND he also does fun things with them on weekends then I can see that being reasonably equitable. That is a lot and that DH is also doing a fair amount of child related stuff. Having one parent do absolutely nothing child related with 2 young children is not going to be remotely equitable because parenting young children is relentless work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

DP
My DH felt like he was doing so so much by cooking dinner every night when DD was a newborn and expected constant gratitude from me. He just didn't notice that I had DD physically attached to me for 12 hours a day and never once cleaned our small apartment.

If PP's DH is doing drop off and pickup AND cleaning the house AND cooking AND he also does fun things with them on weekends then I can see that being reasonably equitable. That is a lot and that DH is also doing a fair amount of child related stuff. Having one parent do absolutely nothing child related with 2 young children is not going to be remotely equitable because parenting young children is relentless work.

This is why I didn’t go back to work. I knew my husband wasn’t going to do 50/50 and I’d be a sucker working and doing all the rearing. So I quit and it’s worked for us for 18 years.