Husband annoyed at taking his injured daughter to urgent care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

Doing yard work is a once a week thing. Paying bills is monthly. Childcare is around the clock every day. I guess I can see a scenario where the dad does everything except childcare (like cooks, cleans, laundry) and that is an even split of labor. But not sure that is the case. And it also would be bizarre if a parent literally could not be counted on to do any childcare. You can’t take the kid to the dentist one time? Do the camp forms? Do bedtime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

Doing yard work is a once a week thing. Paying bills is monthly. Childcare is around the clock every day. I guess I can see a scenario where the dad does everything except childcare (like cooks, cleans, laundry) and that is an even split of labor. But not sure that is the case. And it also would be bizarre if a parent literally could not be counted on to do any childcare. You can’t take the kid to the dentist one time? Do the camp forms? Do bedtime?

This is mostly for very young kids. At a certain age kids put themselves to bed and the demands lessen as kids go to school full time. This is the mindset of someone at the peak of it. It gets better, the demands change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I could not stay married to someone like that and you should be calling out the tantrums and demanding that he go to a therapist to deal with his rage or you are divorcing his ass. And then do it. I would lose all respect and attraction for a man who shows so little care and compassion to his own children. Ick.

Then the kids would be alone with him 50% of the time and financial issues. Not the simplistic fix you think it is.

OP, DH is off. Maybe not neurotypical, maybe immature. No more kids and focus on your ability to support 3. If his emotional regulation issues are from a SN, kids may develop too.

You say “we” parent this way except it is only you. Snap out of denial. I’d try not to divorce until kids can fend for themselves, many are faced with that choice. You picked badly, a lot of people do. No more kids. Double birth control.

Do you work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

Doing yard work is a once a week thing. Paying bills is monthly. Childcare is around the clock every day. I guess I can see a scenario where the dad does everything except childcare (like cooks, cleans, laundry) and that is an even split of labor. But not sure that is the case. And it also would be bizarre if a parent literally could not be counted on to do any childcare. You can’t take the kid to the dentist one time? Do the camp forms? Do bedtime?

This is mostly for very young kids. At a certain age kids put themselves to bed and the demands lessen as kids go to school full time. This is the mindset of someone at the peak of it. It gets better, the demands change.

Yeah I’m sure that’s what men want to believe: the fact that things got easier later on excuses my lack of effort when things were harder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, this thread has taken some interesting turns but it’s definitely not a troll post. Sadly this is the real situation in our house right now. Thanks again to everyone who offered real substantive opinions and solutions.

And I’m sure he behaved once he got to urgent care. He’s not so rage-filled that he’s yelling at our kid in front of other people. I don’t think he yelled at her in the car on the way either. He just had to have his temper tantrum on the way out the door to let me know he was so inconvenienced and annoyed that he had to do this.

Of course he CAN control himself, he chooses not to because he doesn't view your kids or you as worthy of his respect and self control.

This. Couples counseling is not recommended with these dynamics.

OP, focus less on him and more on your own earning potential so you will have options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

DP
My DH felt like he was doing so so much by cooking dinner every night when DD was a newborn and expected constant gratitude from me. He just didn't notice that I had DD physically attached to me for 12 hours a day and never once cleaned our small apartment.

If PP's DH is doing drop off and pickup AND cleaning the house AND cooking AND he also does fun things with them on weekends then I can see that being reasonably equitable. That is a lot and that DH is also doing a fair amount of child related stuff. Having one parent do absolutely nothing child related with 2 young children is not going to be remotely equitable because parenting young children is relentless work.

Cleaning and cooking was split but not equally - mostly on me. After we could afford a house cleaner, cooking was split. I did all laundry and most grocery shopping. The time we spent on our share of the responsibilities was reasonably equitable but we were not always busy at the same time. We stayed in our lanes with respect to our roles and mine was the kids except most drop offs and the majority of pick ups were not on me.

To this day I bet my spouse couldn’t tell you the names of my kids’ doctors or teachers or coaches. Never took the kids for vaccinations or flu shots. May not even know they got them. Never went to a parent teacher conference or found specialty care for our SN kid. But again, tons of non kid related stuff has never been on my plate.

And, I had plenty of free time. I have a time suck of a hobby that I never gave up.

Thing is, it takes a lot to run a household and we just figured out how to make it work successfully in a way that made us both happy. I was never sorry not to give up anything kid related so that I could do yard work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

DP
My DH felt like he was doing so so much by cooking dinner every night when DD was a newborn and expected constant gratitude from me. He just didn't notice that I had DD physically attached to me for 12 hours a day and never once cleaned our small apartment.

If PP's DH is doing drop off and pickup AND cleaning the house AND cooking AND he also does fun things with them on weekends then I can see that being reasonably equitable. That is a lot and that DH is also doing a fair amount of child related stuff. Having one parent do absolutely nothing child related with 2 young children is not going to be remotely equitable because parenting young children is relentless work.

This is why I didn’t go back to work. I knew my husband wasn’t going to do 50/50 and I’d be a sucker working and doing all the rearing. So I quit and it’s worked for us for 18 years.

Glad it worked out. If he ad had an affair or you otherwise split would have been a bad choice in hindsight, ask me how I know. The choice of who we have kids with is most important one but I fell for potential not reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

Doing yard work is a once a week thing. Paying bills is monthly. Childcare is around the clock every day. I guess I can see a scenario where the dad does everything except childcare (like cooks, cleans, laundry) and that is an even split of labor. But not sure that is the case. And it also would be bizarre if a parent literally could not be counted on to do any childcare. You can’t take the kid to the dentist one time? Do the camp forms? Do bedtime?

This is mostly for very young kids. At a certain age kids put themselves to bed and the demands lessen as kids go to school full time. This is the mindset of someone at the peak of it. It gets better, the demands change.

Yeah I’m sure that’s what men want to believe: the fact that things got easier later on excuses my lack of effort when things were harder.

+1
Yeah, just to review this is a thread about a man who threw a tantrum about taking his 6 yo to urgent care while his SAHM wife who cares for the 6yo and the toddler 24/7 stayed home to put the toddler to bed. And fyi nursing until age 2 is currently recommended (of both child and mother want to) so stop acting like this is some weird fringe thing to.do. you don't get to bash a woman for literally following medical advice, even if you don't agree with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the helpful replies. To clarify I am a SAHM, we have two kids. I should have added it was the toddler’s bedtime when they left for urgent care and I’m always the one to put him to bed and I nurse him before he goes down. If I’m not there, he won’t go to sleep until I come home, so I thought it would be more stressful on my husband to stay with the crying, not-sleeping toddler than take my daughter to urgent care. Yes, I am working on weaning my toddler so bedtime can be done by anyone, we just haven’t quite gotten there yet.

I’m regards to the nosebleed, I was the one to get up with him when it happened but this one was worse than usual and I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop and the toddler was scared and crying loudly, and that woke my DH up when he came storming in angry that he had been woken up, instead of being supportive or caring. I am always the one to wake up with the kids at night for whatever reason. I am the default parent in all medical stuff, bedtime waking, discipline (bc misbehaving stresses DH out), and I generally keep the peace at home and try to keep everything low stress. But I resent that I can’t even lean on DH in an emergency, or to just provide basic parental care when it’s needed without worrying about how he’ll react.

Also DH works from home at a cushy low-stress well-paying job so I can’t blame work stress. We have some other stressors going on in our lives right now but they are affecting us equally and I’m managing not to lash out at the kids.

You've created a not great dynamic in your house. I'm not excusing your husband's behavior because yelling at a toddler (how old are we talking?) about something they can't control isn't ok, but it seems like you're one of those who has set themselves up as the everything parent and your husband isn't prepared to step into a parenting role. I'm not saying that's your fault, but I do think you need to be acutely aware of this situation because expecting him to handle things when he never handles things isn't going to work. It's one reason why my husband has done everything I've done for our kids for the last 12 years, minus breastfeeding (but he fed them bottles so we each fed them half the time except once he went back to work and I was still on maternity leave although then he still fed them when he was home). There's nothing one of us can do that the other can't. That's not your setup so you may need to make some changes if you want your husband to be a parent.

DP here. Is OP letting her DH do too little or too much? I mean she "let" him take the older child to urgent care and that was apparently horrifically unfair of her. All we know from this thread is that it's one of those things but definitely she is is doing something wrong s/ just trying to get clarification.

It sounds like OP's husband hasn't ever done much of anything related to the kids (she is the ONLY ONE who can put the toddler to bed?!?!?) and now here she is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the helpful replies. To clarify I am a SAHM, we have two kids. I should have added it was the toddler’s bedtime when they left for urgent care and I’m always the one to put him to bed and I nurse him before he goes down. If I’m not there, he won’t go to sleep until I come home, so I thought it would be more stressful on my husband to stay with the crying, not-sleeping toddler than take my daughter to urgent care. Yes, I am working on weaning my toddler so bedtime can be done by anyone, we just haven’t quite gotten there yet.

I’m regards to the nosebleed, I was the one to get up with him when it happened but this one was worse than usual and I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop and the toddler was scared and crying loudly, and that woke my DH up when he came storming in angry that he had been woken up, instead of being supportive or caring. I am always the one to wake up with the kids at night for whatever reason. I am the default parent in all medical stuff, bedtime waking, discipline (bc misbehaving stresses DH out), and I generally keep the peace at home and try to keep everything low stress. But I resent that I can’t even lean on DH in an emergency, or to just provide basic parental care when it’s needed without worrying about how he’ll react.

Also DH works from home at a cushy low-stress well-paying job so I can’t blame work stress. We have some other stressors going on in our lives right now but they are affecting us equally and I’m managing not to lash out at the kids.

You've created a not great dynamic in your house. I'm not excusing your husband's behavior because yelling at a toddler (how old are we talking?) about something they can't control isn't ok, but it seems like you're one of those who has set themselves up as the everything parent and your husband isn't prepared to step into a parenting role. I'm not saying that's your fault, but I do think you need to be acutely aware of this situation because expecting him to handle things when he never handles things isn't going to work. It's one reason why my husband has done everything I've done for our kids for the last 12 years, minus breastfeeding (but he fed them bottles so we each fed them half the time except once he went back to work and I was still on maternity leave although then he still fed them when he was home). There's nothing one of us can do that the other can't. That's not your setup so you may need to make some changes if you want your husband to be a parent.

Is it also OP’s fault that he is unable to follow medical advice and take their daughter to the doctor? Is it also OP’s fault that he yells at a sick toddler?

It’s amazing how this single detail is seized on to blame OP for ALL of her DH’s poor behavior.

Ok, feel free to rage against all the posts suggesting that OP realize her potential role in the current situation rather than taking the piece of advice which is that OP has a role in what is going on. You can define that role however you want - is she a totally controlling mommy martyr who never let her husband do anything with the kids but now wants his help? Is she someone who married a guy who said he wanted to be super involved with his kids and it turned out to be a lie and she constantly begs him for help and he ignores her? Is it something in between? We don't know, but I think acting like OP is purely a victim and has no role in her life and no say on the future isn't helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

DP
My DH felt like he was doing so so much by cooking dinner every night when DD was a newborn and expected constant gratitude from me. He just didn't notice that I had DD physically attached to me for 12 hours a day and never once cleaned our small apartment.

If PP's DH is doing drop off and pickup AND cleaning the house AND cooking AND he also does fun things with them on weekends then I can see that being reasonably equitable. That is a lot and that DH is also doing a fair amount of child related stuff. Having one parent do absolutely nothing child related with 2 young children is not going to be remotely equitable because parenting young children is relentless work.

This is why I didn’t go back to work. I knew my husband wasn’t going to do 50/50 and I’d be a sucker working and doing all the rearing. So I quit and it’s worked for us for 18 years.

You quit your job because your husband doesn't value you... Glad that worked for you I guess.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

It worked out well. We lived (and still do) in a conflict free home where everyone loved each other and everyone did their part to make our lives work. The kids knew who to ask for whatever they wanted/needed.

Also just because I took care of school, medical, and all of that stuff doesn’t mean my both didn’t do the fun stuff with the kids. We’re both pretty fun parents and neither was unreasonable stressed because we weee doing what we were good at. A win all around d.

I’m sure it was a win for your DH who got more leisure time daily than you …

PP listed a bunch of other things her DH did. When do you think that got done? During the work day?

DP
My DH felt like he was doing so so much by cooking dinner every night when DD was a newborn and expected constant gratitude from me. He just didn't notice that I had DD physically attached to me for 12 hours a day and never once cleaned our small apartment.

If PP's DH is doing drop off and pickup AND cleaning the house AND cooking AND he also does fun things with them on weekends then I can see that being reasonably equitable. That is a lot and that DH is also doing a fair amount of child related stuff. Having one parent do absolutely nothing child related with 2 young children is not going to be remotely equitable because parenting young children is relentless work.

Cleaning and cooking was split but not equally - mostly on me. After we could afford a house cleaner, cooking was split. I did all laundry and most grocery shopping. The time we spent on our share of the responsibilities was reasonably equitable but we were not always busy at the same time. We stayed in our lanes with respect to our roles and mine was the kids except most drop offs and the majority of pick ups were not on me.

To this day I bet my spouse couldn’t tell you the names of my kids’ doctors or teachers or coaches. Never took the kids for vaccinations or flu shots. May not even know they got them. Never went to a parent teacher conference or found specialty care for our SN kid. But again, tons of non kid related stuff has never been on my plate.

And, I had plenty of free time. I have a time suck of a hobby that I never gave up.

Thing is, it takes a lot to run a household and we just figured out how to make it work successfully in a way that made us both happy. I was never sorry not to give up anything kid related so that I could do yard work.

That's sad. Your kids had a provider, not a dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

WTF? No one expects husbands to be the main parent but look at you. My dh didn't do "1billion" things to run the family but I, like most other women, definitely got stuck with more.

Take this stupid sexist bs and shove it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a wonderful work of fiction!

Yep. This is the "super" poster. Always presents new /incendiary situations in marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the helpful replies. To clarify I am a SAHM, we have two kids. I should have added it was the toddler’s bedtime when they left for urgent care and I’m always the one to put him to bed and I nurse him before he goes down. If I’m not there, he won’t go to sleep until I come home, so I thought it would be more stressful on my husband to stay with the crying, not-sleeping toddler than take my daughter to urgent care. Yes, I am working on weaning my toddler so bedtime can be done by anyone, we just haven’t quite gotten there yet.

I’m regards to the nosebleed, I was the one to get up with him when it happened but this one was worse than usual and I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop and the toddler was scared and crying loudly, and that woke my DH up when he came storming in angry that he had been woken up, instead of being supportive or caring. I am always the one to wake up with the kids at night for whatever reason. I am the default parent in all medical stuff, bedtime waking, discipline (bc misbehaving stresses DH out), and I generally keep the peace at home and try to keep everything low stress. But I resent that I can’t even lean on DH in an emergency, or to just provide basic parental care when it’s needed without worrying about how he’ll react.

Also DH works from home at a cushy low-stress well-paying job so I can’t blame work stress. We have some other stressors going on in our lives right now but they are affecting us equally and I’m managing not to lash out at the kids.

You've created a not great dynamic in your house. I'm not excusing your husband's behavior because yelling at a toddler (how old are we talking?) about something they can't control isn't ok, but it seems like you're one of those who has set themselves up as the everything parent and your husband isn't prepared to step into a parenting role. I'm not saying that's your fault, but I do think you need to be acutely aware of this situation because expecting him to handle things when he never handles things isn't going to work. It's one reason why my husband has done everything I've done for our kids for the last 12 years, minus breastfeeding (but he fed them bottles so we each fed them half the time except once he went back to work and I was still on maternity leave although then he still fed them when he was home). There's nothing one of us can do that the other can't. That's not your setup so you may need to make some changes if you want your husband to be a parent.

DP here. Is OP letting her DH do too little or too much? I mean she "let" him take the older child to urgent care and that was apparently horrifically unfair of her. All we know from this thread is that it's one of those things but definitely she is is doing something wrong s/ just trying to get clarification.

It sounds like OP's husband hasn't ever done much of anything related to the kids (she is the ONLY ONE who can put the toddler to bed?!?!?) and now here she is.

According to OP he definitely finds time to yell at them and not just when there is a medical emergency