Husband annoyed at taking his injured daughter to urgent care

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP is a SAHM and she makes her DH get up in the night for a nosebleed????

I am trying to imagine being married to a man so wimpy and delicate that he couldn’t do that without issue. Omg.

Needing sleep is a standard issue requirement for all adults. The one who has to drag his ass out of bed and be presentable at work is the one who gets to have an issue with getting up for a nosebleed when the SAHP should be able to handle it herself.

Wow, women who stay home with kids don’t need sleep? Amazing revelation!

This is hilarious because young children don't tend to sleep in. So whoever is dragging their ass out of bed to get to a 9-5 job is waking up later than the other parent. When I was on maternity leave never did DH wake up before me.

I recall before I had a baby my coworkers who had children told me going to work was a nice break lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A few things.

1. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
2. A six year old showing up with a concussion and a visibly angry/inappropriately behaving parent could easily have triggered a mandatory report. CPS could give a crap about the inconvenience your DH experienced. When you discuss this, I would point that out to him.
3. I’d be recording this. Swearing at a toddler who had a middle of the night need? That’s got “something he’s going to deny later” all over it.
4. Sorry but you have to be the medical-matters parent because your husband is literally neglecting them.

Yeah, this. Did he behave himself at urgent care? We had an ambulance take our daughter to the hospital when we thought she might have sustained a concussion during a sporting event and we were questioned TWICE by the hospital's CPS person. She and her twin were in their sports uniforms, I was there with my husband/her dad, the ambulance had picked her up at the sporting event so they knew what happened and there was no way either my husband or I had been the cause of her injury, and frankly I thought we were being overly cautious taking her to the hospital (it wasn't clear if she had actually passed out after hitting her head but someone said the gold star treatment is to take her in so we did, and called an ambulance!). The hospital was also associated with her pediatrician so they had all her medical records and could see that she hadn't been treated for suspicious things in the past like broken bones, bruises, etc. I guess I'm glad the hospital is so careful because maybe it does weed out some cases of abuse but I was really shocked that we were questioned so extensively about what had happened. They also asked the same questions re guns, prescription medications, etc. that our pediatrician asks every year as their well child exams.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Troll OP post

Totally. It’s like a bingo card. Mommy Wars? Breastfeeding? Lazy husband? Just needed a MIL mention to really round it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So OP is a SAHM and she makes her DH get up in the night for a nosebleed????

I am trying to imagine being married to a man so wimpy and delicate that he couldn’t do that without issue. Omg.

Needing sleep is a standard issue requirement for all adults. The one who has to drag his ass out of bed and be presentable at work is the one who gets to have an issue with getting up for a nosebleed when the SAHP should be able to handle it herself.

Funny how nobody cared about me needing to drag my ass out of bed and be presentable at work when I was a new mom.

lol right?? Somehow moms who literally gave birth and nursed around the clock fewer than three months ago are routinely able and expected to get to work.

I mean also my Dad came home from those monster ober 24 hour medical resident shifts and still played with us and did Dad stuff. Who are these weak men who can't deal with a bloody nose at night? Pathetic.

Some people never develop distress tolerance. These behaviors get passed down through generations. If your parents didnt' demonstrate an ability to deal with something like a bloody nose in the middle of the night, where will you learn? I had to learn it as an adult through therapy and reading books and observing other people and practicing. It sucks. But I did so before becoming a parent.

I understand this in theory but... you deal with a kid's bloody nose in the middle of the night like you deal with your own bloody nose or vomit or bike accident? I don't understand how people function if they're mentally unable to deal with minor crises.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the helpful replies. To clarify I am a SAHM, we have two kids. I should have added it was the toddler’s bedtime when they left for urgent care and I’m always the one to put him to bed and I nurse him before he goes down. If I’m not there, he won’t go to sleep until I come home, so I thought it would be more stressful on my husband to stay with the crying, not-sleeping toddler than take my daughter to urgent care. Yes, I am working on weaning my toddler so bedtime can be done by anyone, we just haven’t quite gotten there yet.

I’m regards to the nosebleed, I was the one to get up with him when it happened but this one was worse than usual and I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop and the toddler was scared and crying loudly, and that woke my DH up when he came storming in angry that he had been woken up, instead of being supportive or caring. I am always the one to wake up with the kids at night for whatever reason. I am the default parent in all medical stuff, bedtime waking, discipline (bc misbehaving stresses DH out), and I generally keep the peace at home and try to keep everything low stress. But I resent that I can’t even lean on DH in an emergency, or to just provide basic parental care when it’s needed without worrying about how he’ll react.

Also DH works from home at a cushy low-stress well-paying job so I can’t blame work stress. We have some other stressors going on in our lives right now but they are affecting us equally and I’m managing not to lash out at the kids.

You've created a not great dynamic in your house. I'm not excusing your husband's behavior because yelling at a toddler (how old are we talking?) about something they can't control isn't ok, but it seems like you're one of those who has set themselves up as the everything parent and your husband isn't prepared to step into a parenting role. I'm not saying that's your fault, but I do think you need to be acutely aware of this situation because expecting him to handle things when he never handles things isn't going to work. It's one reason why my husband has done everything I've done for our kids for the last 12 years, minus breastfeeding (but he fed them bottles so we each fed them half the time except once he went back to work and I was still on maternity leave although then he still fed them when he was home). There's nothing one of us can do that the other can't. That's not your setup so you may need to make some changes if you want your husband to be a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

[Anonymous]

You lost me at "breastfeeding a young toddler".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the helpful replies. To clarify I am a SAHM, we have two kids. I should have added it was the toddler’s bedtime when they left for urgent care and I’m always the one to put him to bed and I nurse him before he goes down. If I’m not there, he won’t go to sleep until I come home, so I thought it would be more stressful on my husband to stay with the crying, not-sleeping toddler than take my daughter to urgent care. Yes, I am working on weaning my toddler so bedtime can be done by anyone, we just haven’t quite gotten there yet.

I’m regards to the nosebleed, I was the one to get up with him when it happened but this one was worse than usual and I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop and the toddler was scared and crying loudly, and that woke my DH up when he came storming in angry that he had been woken up, instead of being supportive or caring. I am always the one to wake up with the kids at night for whatever reason. I am the default parent in all medical stuff, bedtime waking, discipline (bc misbehaving stresses DH out), and I generally keep the peace at home and try to keep everything low stress. But I resent that I can’t even lean on DH in an emergency, or to just provide basic parental care when it’s needed without worrying about how he’ll react.

Also DH works from home at a cushy low-stress well-paying job so I can’t blame work stress. We have some other stressors going on in our lives right now but they are affecting us equally and I’m managing not to lash out at the kids.

You've created a not great dynamic in your house. I'm not excusing your husband's behavior because yelling at a toddler (how old are we talking?) about something they can't control isn't ok, but it seems like you're one of those who has set themselves up as the everything parent and your husband isn't prepared to step into a parenting role. I'm not saying that's your fault, but I do think you need to be acutely aware of this situation because expecting him to handle things when he never handles things isn't going to work. It's one reason why my husband has done everything I've done for our kids for the last 12 years, minus breastfeeding (but he fed them bottles so we each fed them half the time except once he went back to work and I was still on maternity leave although then he still fed them when he was home). There's nothing one of us can do that the other can't. That's not your setup so you may need to make some changes if you want your husband to be a parent.

DP here. Is OP letting her DH do too little or too much? I mean she "let" him take the older child to urgent care and that was apparently horrifically unfair of her. All we know from this thread is that it's one of those things but definitely she is is doing something wrong s/ just trying to get clarification.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Troll OP post

Totally. It’s like a bingo card. Mommy Wars? Breastfeeding? Lazy husband? Just needed a MIL mention to really round it out.

And the manner of follow up too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP my husband can be like this but it has gotten better in the last two years. My breaking point came when our kid, who was 5 at the time, was diagnosed with ARFID which is an eating disorder that presents as "picky eating" but is actually serious -- she would gag on food or throw it up due to the smell or texture of it, and she was not trying to be picky but could not control her aversion. It was and still is a very hard thing to parent through, but DH made it much worse because he'd blow up at her for not eating even after she'd been diagnosed and we'd learned that conflict and confrontation over eating would only make it worse. When he did this I'd feel so abandoned because I was also very frustrated but working really hard to control it so I could give her what she needed, and he wasn't even trying. So my efforts were for nothing and she was getting more and more stressed about food anyway.

Here's what helped:

1) I point it out, but do so later when things are calm. So if he blew up at her at dinner, in the moment I would either ignore him or just say "I'll handle it," address DD's needs, and move on. But then after the kids were in bed, I'd turn off the TV and explain calmly that it sucks for me to have to be the functional parent in those moments, and that what I really want is a partner to go through it with me, instead of another person whose emotions I have to manage. I really worked to not get overly critical or blaming in these talks. I used lots of "I" statements and explained why the situation was hard for me or what I wish I got from him, instead of saying "you do this, you do that." That helped him hear me better.

2) He went to therapy and worked on anger management. This is critical. It could be therapy, a meditation practice, a parenting class. Just anything to show he's working on it. I remember at one point talking to my DH about this and he said "I just don't handle stress well," and I pointed out that there's no way for me to eliminate stress from our lives and that it's unfair for him to expect to be exempt from the stress of being a working, middle class parent while I take it all on. That helped him realize that every time he just can't deal with a situation, that's yet another thing I have to do. That's when he started to realize this was a problem he needed to solve and not a "take it or leave it" situation. I didn't threaten divorce, but I did tell him that it was very hard for me to imagine spending the next 40-50 years of my life with someone who simply cannot handle stress, because I expect there to be some stress during that time.

3) As my kids got older, I got them involved. I guess this could be controversial, but the truth is my kids are pretty emotionally intelligent and good at naming their feelings and talking through how to deal with them. But my older kid definitely struggles with blowing up when she gets frustrated, and IMO that has to be addressed head on. So as I worked with her to build up her tolerance for frustration or distress, I used situations with DH and I as examples and she started calling out DH when he did exactly the thing she was working on getting better at. This was hard at first but then great. Sometimes DH and DD will get upset with each other and have a little mini tantrum (not as bad as they once were) but then they will come together, apologize, and talk about what the each could have done better. Without any prompting from me. It was great.

Oh hey there, fellow ARFID mom here!!! So so so hard. We have a variety of other SN and medical needs in the mix and this has been one of the most exhausting and challenging, in a way I could never have dreamed.

My husband was really great actually in listening to the therapist and following the plan for food for our ARFID child but had some really hard power struggles and intense reactions to both kids over other things. Getting woken up was one actually, though he would not have cursed at our child, no way.

The only thing that actually helped us was working 1:1 with a psychologist through an official parent training program. It was honestly life changing for us all. I think my DH (who I now suspect also has ADHD as well, in addition to his actual anxiety diagnosis) really needed a third party to write it down and say hey this is what really works for kids like yours. Otherwise it was just well you have your way and I have my way so they are both somehow valid. I had done a ton of reading and working with our child’s professionals so it was pretty much my approach but what ever. I just cared it worked.

It took a lot to get him there but I’d do it all again.

[Anonymous]

OP here, this thread has taken some interesting turns but it’s definitely not a troll post. Sadly this is the real situation in our house right now. Thanks again to everyone who offered real substantive opinions and solutions.

And I’m sure he behaved once he got to urgent care. He’s not so rage-filled that he’s yelling at our kid in front of other people. I don’t think he yelled at her in the car on the way either. He just had to have his temper tantrum on the way out the door to let me know he was so inconvenienced and annoyed that he had to do this.

[Anonymous]

The only thing that actually helped us was working 1:1 with a psychologist through an official parent training program.

OP again, this is a great suggestion — how did you find this specialist?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does every DH have to be the main parent. You're the main parent, OP. Just do the parenting and let him do the 1billion other things that also have to get done to run a family.

I know people are bristling at this. But honestly, as a strategy it worked really well in my family. I did nothing but kid stuff and my spouse did everything else except that spouse did childcare drop off and pick up because my commute was longer. We had very little conflict because we each did our part to make the family work. And we were both pretty happy about it. I can't remember the last time I did yard work (besides my garden), took the car for service or an oil change, found a plumber, washed a car, cleaned my house and whatever other billion things it takes to keep a house running successfully. Even though my kids are grown, I still don't do these things. My spouse wasn't a bad parent, but wasn't a good caretaker until they got a lot older. The difference between me and OP is that I could count on my spouse in emergencies.

How did your kids feel about that? I'm glad your situation worked out for you, but I can't imagine having only one parent doing the parenting.

I think it works out quite well for these dads. They get to be the fun dad and show up for the fun stuff but don’t have to do the hard stuff. Kids don’t remember who wiped their butt and dealt with the bloody nose when they are older anyway. Sometimes these kids remember their moms as the nagger and the mean one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for the helpful replies. To clarify I am a SAHM, we have two kids. I should have added it was the toddler’s bedtime when they left for urgent care and I’m always the one to put him to bed and I nurse him before he goes down. If I’m not there, he won’t go to sleep until I come home, so I thought it would be more stressful on my husband to stay with the crying, not-sleeping toddler than take my daughter to urgent care. Yes, I am working on weaning my toddler so bedtime can be done by anyone, we just haven’t quite gotten there yet.

I’m regards to the nosebleed, I was the one to get up with him when it happened but this one was worse than usual and I couldn’t get the bleeding to stop and the toddler was scared and crying loudly, and that woke my DH up when he came storming in angry that he had been woken up, instead of being supportive or caring. I am always the one to wake up with the kids at night for whatever reason. I am the default parent in all medical stuff, bedtime waking, discipline (bc misbehaving stresses DH out), and I generally keep the peace at home and try to keep everything low stress. But I resent that I can’t even lean on DH in an emergency, or to just provide basic parental care when it’s needed without worrying about how he’ll react.

Also DH works from home at a cushy low-stress well-paying job so I can’t blame work stress. We have some other stressors going on in our lives right now but they are affecting us equally and I’m managing not to lash out at the kids.

You've created a not great dynamic in your house. I'm not excusing your husband's behavior because yelling at a toddler (how old are we talking?) about something they can't control isn't ok, but it seems like you're one of those who has set themselves up as the everything parent and your husband isn't prepared to step into a parenting role. I'm not saying that's your fault, but I do think you need to be acutely aware of this situation because expecting him to handle things when he never handles things isn't going to work. It's one reason why my husband has done everything I've done for our kids for the last 12 years, minus breastfeeding (but he fed them bottles so we each fed them half the time except once he went back to work and I was still on maternity leave although then he still fed them when he was home). There's nothing one of us can do that the other can't. That's not your setup so you may need to make some changes if you want your husband to be a parent.

Is it also OP’s fault that he is unable to follow medical advice and take their daughter to the doctor? Is it also OP’s fault that he yells at a sick toddler?

It’s amazing how this single detail is seized on to blame OP for ALL of her DH’s poor behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

The only thing that actually helped us was working 1:1 with a psychologist through an official parent training program.

OP again, this is a great suggestion — how did you find this specialist?

We did it virtually through https://alvordbaker.com/services/parent-training

It was $$$ and there was a significant waitlist but I still consider it one of the best things I did for my marriage and my family.