Reply to When to tell kids the truth about their father’s adultery as reason for divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Oh please, nothing magic happens at the age 18 that makes kids capable of handling this information.  What a strange and arbitrary suggestion.  Of course there are reasons kids would need to know before that.  For example, a child is 16 years old and finds out his parents are divorcing.  One parent moves out and moves into an apartment with family friend of the opposite gender, announces they are now dating and let’s the kids know that they are now swing this person.  The betrayed spouses is just supposed to say nothing for 2 years?  Ridiculous.  It needs to be addressed because the irresponsible cheater’s behavior shoved the kids into the dumpster fire with their actions.

Another example…..  one parent has an affair with their child’s sports coach (or teacher, or really anyone associated with a child’s extracurricular activities). The spouse of the coach shows up at an event and makes a scene, confronting the child’s parent and calling them a home wrecker.  All the child’s teammates see this. Still, say nothing until the kid is 18?

One parent has an affair.  The parents agree to tell their child nothing other than that they are divorcing because three grew apart.  A year later, a kid in there school bus tells the kid that their parent had an affair, they heard it from so-and-so. The kid is 12.  Continue to lie until they are 18?

Also, no one is advocating ti emotionally dump inappropriate information into young kids.  Literally everyone here has been advocating telling an AGE APPROPRIATE explanation that makes it clear that they support the kid having an ongoing loving positive relationship with the other parent.

It’s strange you can’t comprehend that no one is actually proposing villifying the cheating parent.  Of course some people do that, but that’s the difference between doing it in a healthy way that demonstrates honesty, trust, and respect. I think it just upsets some of you to realize that the tide has turned and that it is no longer socially acceptable to expect betrayed spouses to participate in the cover up of the cheater’s affair.

If your parents are the type of parents that are going to go to war during divorce and put their kids in the middle and make them choose sides, that is going to have a much bigger impact on you as a child than simply knowing the cause of the divorce.  Either the parents are emotionally mature enough to divorce without going to war or they aren’t.

But also….  Cheaters can’t launch a massive war inside a marriage by having an affair and then expect their spouse not to respond.  As they say…. If you throw a Sh** Bomb, you can’t act surprised when it explodes.

[/quote]

Many posters have made exceptions for the kinds of scenarios you put forth although I’d argue in the first one you don’t need to say anything until the kid bring it up because the situation is clear. All you do in bringing it up is force the kid to figure out what to say to you, the clearly wronged spouse, about it. Let them ask you.

I think lying to a kid that knows is wrong for sure though.

But there is another person here that insists kids know, seemingly suggested telling children as young as 5, and is convinced there is no scenario where a kid stays in the dark.

I think telling Kid something like this should be a last resort when you have good reason to believe they’ll find out from another source. That’s it. Anything else is for the parent not for the kid. And in that scenario I think the cheating parent should deliver the news, although the other parents certainly should step in if the other refuses.

Very few people are arguing this is black and white in every situation, just agreeing that when kids can be spared this they should be spared this.

See the poster a couple parts back here talking about how kids need to be woken up to the truth of their father as proof. [/quote]

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