Any way to disinvite a cousin from an annual beach reunion

[Anonymous]

Op, it’s clear you don’t want to share a house with her. Just for next year, tell her you want her to stay across the beach at her brothers or commute from her house. Just tell her it will be more relaxing for everyone to have more space but that you definitely want to see her for beach time, drinks after dinner, maybe going out to eat, etc.

The husband should be working at his house or the brothers house.

[Anonymous]

I’d probably not tell her when we were going next year. But that’s just me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d probably not tell her when we were going next year. But that’s just me.

Definitely one way to do it. If she asks, you can clarify that you aren't doing any more big summer get-togethers at the house. Your parents can open the house up to her if they want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d probably not tell her when we were going next year. But that’s just me.

OP says the cousin’s brother lives right across the street so that won’t work.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like this. Would always invite her family to join us for a few days on our vacation to the cape, they live two hours away from the house. One summer I just had enough, I’ve never invited her or her family again and it is wonderful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d probably not tell her when we were going next year. But that’s just me.

OP says the cousin’s brother lives right across the street so that won’t work.

Then cousin should stay there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:has your cousin always been lazy and selfish?

She’s always been like this but it’s been easy to not see when we’re just dealing with ourselves. So a lot of it is me getting my head around the idea that maybe she’s so awful and I was blinded by how much I just ride or die with my family.

I've been through this with some family. When it clicks that a grown ass adult family member in their 30s or 40s is trashy, you look at things they did in their teens and 20s and realize they were always low class. The sort of person you'd never associate with were they not family. Sad realization that you were overlooking or rationalizing their low class behavior through rose colored glasses for decades.

[Anonymous]

My parents have a house on the Cape...

Sorry but it is not YOUR house. Is the house even only in your mom and dad's name? How many siblings do you have?

A Google spreadsheet with chores and tasks at your parents' house sounds like you have OCD and/or control issues. Again, not your house and you're treating GUESTS like they're little kids you can boss around. You sound really annoying and bossy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again. My husband is totally at his wits end as well. The husbands are in the mix too. There seems to be a view that there is like chaos here and I’m too high strung or relax and our DHs aren’t involved. Everyone is doing their part. My deep frustration is that everyone has to vaguely move the ball forward. You can’t do literally nothing.

The one thing my DH thinks is that this cousin is generally sort of…limited. Like he as pointed to a few examples of her meltdowns or inability to function in normal ways. So then yes as some have mentioned, I definitely have thought, is this years and years of depression? And if it is, do I hold space for the week of my vacation doing extra dishes and taking into consideration her dietary needs when I cook? Bc she is sick? And that’s how you hold loving space for someone? Or is it like, actually I can’t speculate on your health, you’re making me miserable, stay with your brother if you’re here or stay home 30min away and drive in to the beach. The minute I draw my boundary I think she’s going to blow up. I’m 5% scared of her.

So what was your husband doing that he couldn't help you put sunscreen on the kids, get them to the bathroom or give them a snack?

+1

-1

Maybe he was grocery shopping so there would be dinner on the cousin’s night to cook?

Or maybe he was doing the kids laundry which the cousin had dumped her clothes into?

It sounds like everyone else pitches in except the cousin. I don’t understand why some people are so set on defending obnoxious behavior. None of my friends do this—I would not trace with them if they did.

[Anonymous]

Why is this so hard? You need to tell her. She may be depressed and oblivious - I’ve been in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you eat the food. You have an obligation to also prepare food. Do dishes. Unload diy. Etc.

I don't think anyone is disputing this.

MANY people on the thread are disputing this…

[Anonymous]

Of course you can disinvite the cousin. Can you do it without hard feelings? Probably not. So just decide what is more important to you and proceed accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My parents have a house on the Cape...

Sorry but it is not YOUR house. Is the house even only in your mom and dad's name? How many siblings do you have?

A Google spreadsheet with chores and tasks at your parents' house sounds like you have OCD and/or control issues. Again, not your house and you're treating GUESTS like they're little kids you can boss around. You sound really annoying and bossy.

NP. When my parents give me use of their house I’m free to invite whom I want, family or not. My parents prioritize their children over others. Sounds like your parents don’t. You sound ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

1. These "traditions" always tend to end or get shorter (i.e. weekend) as you age into your 30s and 40s and everyone has kids anyways. This is natural life cycle.

2. It already sounds like her husband doesn't even take it seriously if he's not even using his vacation time for it, so he clearly doesn't give a damn if it happens next year or not.

3. Triads always result in a pair boxing out the third. It's obvious you and your bff are much closer and treat the cousin like a third wheel.

I just think this tradition is naturally coming to an end. That's fine, no need to blow it out of proportion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I also think you should pick up the phone and talk to her - not in a “WTF you did nothing so it’s over” type of way. But more along the lines of, ‘now that we’re home, I’m reflecting on how much harder and frustrating this vacation was vs a long time ago. Can you help me process this? ‘ and then ask a lot of questions:
1) how was your week? What worked? Anything feel frustrating to you?
2).tell me more about the night you were supposed to cook dinner. What happened?
3) we are on vacation and we aren’t on vacation to tip toe around your husband who is working. Why didn’t he go Hoke to do his zoom calls?
4) group vacations only work if we all pitch in. I couldn’t help but notice that you and Larlo weren’t pitching in like everyone else (I felt disrespected when we had to do all the cleaning, picking up and take care of all the kids with no help from you or Larlo). That just doesn’t work for us - is there something else going on with you to create an expectation that we do the work and you don’t pitch in at all?

Cuz, I’ll be honest, we’re not doing another summer vacation like that one. You will either need to stay at your house and come over for beach visits and the occasional dinner or will need to really change the way you show up that week.“

And maybe give her one more chance. But lay out the expectations very clearly. And if it’s not working next summer, call her out in the moment and say that she didn’t live up to her agreement so it’s the last summer.

OP, I do think you should have had this conversation at the beach house. “Larva, what the heck? You and Larlo are in charge of dinner. We all have our turns. This really ain’t working.” “Really, Larla, you are standing at the bar with a full bottle of wine and can’t even be bothered to top off Susie’s glass? She’s right there. Give that poor, tired mama some more wine.” “Serioslly, Larla. Kitchen duty is on you and Larlo tonight. We’re taking the kids for a walk. I can’t believe I have to suggest to a grown adult to pull her own weight.”

Seriously

Seriously OP you have to TELL her this stuff if it really bothers you. You seem rageful that she can’t read your mind. It would NEVER occur to me to top off someone else’s glass of wine, never. Maybe I was raised by wolves but we jus don’t do that. It also makes me feeel really awkward to share food; I don’t mind anyone eating mine but I’d rather buy my own. I can’t imagine putting my laundry in with anyone else’s, but maybe that’s just what her family does??

You can’t wxpevt her to know your rules and expectations unless you actually SAY them. I would never, never put sunscreen on someone else’s kid unless I was specifically asked to. It would be w it’s if my brother or SIL put some in my kid; we have our own brand.

I just came back from sharing a house with two other families. None of your rules are ones that we followed. Are you sure she really understands your rules?