Disgusted by Wife’s Obesity But Don’t Want a Divorce

[Anonymous]

Is she on birth control or an iud? Get her off that! Will help a lot!

[Anonymous]

You sure are passionate about baldness and censored cuss words.

More like passionate about baldness, poor grammar, and spelling. Proofreading = path to excellence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's drinking a lot of wine, that is the main issue. It affects liver health and starts a cascade of hormonal issues. It also prevents restorative sleep, which leads to poor blood sugar control and over eating. I'd start by asking her to stop drinking.

I would like to read more about this. Can you provide a link? Especially the wine > liver > hormones piece.

Happy to explain a little more:

Alcohol is a poison and is metabolized in the liver. The liver also assists in metabolism of nutrients from food (proteins, sugars, fats). Over time too much alcohol taxes the liver and in fact changes the structure of the liver. Your liver can no longer work as well within the digestive system to metabolism and absorb essential nutrients (which is why some really severe alcoholics die of malnutrition). If you’re consuming food but not absorbing the nutrients efficiently your body is going to drive you to eat more to get those missing nutrients.

Additionally alcohol prevents the body from going into a deep, restorative sleep, which causes a person to consume more calories for energy during the day to make up for the fatigue they’re feeling. Insulin, cortisol both go up. Blood sugar goes up but it doesn’t get used efficiently because over time your body becomes less and less sensitive to insulin. Your body will produce more and pump out more but that also stimulates hunger.

Alcohol itself provides a dense amount of calories per gram.

I think the OPs wife could probably lose a significant amount of weight if she stopped drinking.

This is the most useful piece of info on this entire thread. And probably the most actionable to OP. DW may consider this request is approached in the right manner.

Anecdotal, but since the lockdown, my work happy hours and dinners with alcohol have gone away and its amazing how much weight I have lost without doing anything else differently.

Also, new poster - I can sympathize with OP being less attracted to his wife but "disgusted" is a strong word. Also, I would take a chubby wife who loved sex over the beautiful but asexual woman who calls herself my wife. Careful what you wish for, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife?

This post is a joke right?? This can't be real. Divorce because of weight gain? Seriously? I mean first of all, why does she need to look good for YOU? What about looking and feeling good for herself? How can you say this is not kid related? Have you ever been pregnant, birthed a child, breastfed, then been responsible for said child after going through all of those events? It's exhausting even 5 years after you give birth. Who's registering the kids for school, arranging doctor's appointments, figuring out childcare/camp arrangements, facilitating playdates, checking to make sure homework is done, coordinating for school events, finding extracurricular activities, and then worrying about all the constant check list running through her head that isn't getting done? Maybe she feels overwhelmed and doesn't have an ounce of energy to workout anymore. Does your kid have special needs? Add that to the heap and it becomes even more overwhelming.

Have you even asked her why she's not working out anymore? Did something change along the way? Is she turning to food and wine to cope for something else? Did something change with friends? Her family? Lose a parent? I mean this is your WIFE we're talking about. The mother of your children! Give her a freaking break and find out what's driving her to stop taking care of herself. I promise you it's not because she doesn't want to look good for YOU.

And why are we all jumping to assumptions that she's an alcoholic, or even a functioning alcoholic? What does "more and more wine" even mean? A bottle a day or did she used to drink a glass or two on weekends and now she's kicking back a drink every night? Heck there are DCUMers on here who admit to drinking a bottle a day, which sounds gross, but does that make you an alcoholic? The bottom line is you need to find out why she's turning more and more to wine, and to food. She's using these things to cope for something and you need to be an empathetic, caring husband and find out why because these are not healthy habits.

When did +40lbs equal obese? Did she tell you she's 40lbs overweight or are you just estimating? I'm 5'5" and used to weigh 120lbs in college. I was a size 2 and was probably underweight. I got up to 160lbs after kids and yes, that wasn't a good look on me, but I wasn't obese. Flabby? Yes. Obese? no. I worked it off and am now 140lbs. I'll never get back down to 120lbs. We all can't get back to our old bodies after kids--for some of us, it's just not possible no matter how strict we are with diet and working out. My body has changed since kids. I have diastasis recti--the washboard abs I took for granted in college aren't coming back. But, what is most important to me, my husband, my kids is that I feel good and that I'm healthy. The ONLY thing I agree with OP is that being a good role model for your kids is important when it comes to our health. My kids see me working out and they cheer me on and that makes me feel great. Also, my husband understands how important it is to work out and feel good about YOURSELF.

You said you wanted to hear *from women* (whatever that is supposed to mean) so I'll give it to you straight--for women, the connection between our bodies and physical fitness is deeply rooted in how we feel emotionally. If something isn't working in the emotional/mental health department, it's not going to work in the physical fitness department either. If she's feeling overwhelmed about the kids, she may not be able to get herself off that couch to go for a run or hit the weights. If she's depressed about the way she feels or feeling sad that she downed a sleeve of cookies the other night, going for that walk or that run may seem insurmountable to her to get back to where she was 5 years ago. You need to help lift her out of this funk. Find ways to encourage her to work out--maybe set the example yourself. you could go for a walk together, take the kids our for a hike, simple things that you can do as a family. And if nothing else, find out if she needs some therapy. Someone to talk to who can help her cope with whatever she is feeling so she doesn't have to turn to food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Presumably the same mirrors you have at home work for your wife, right? Maybe she doesn't want to be attractive to/for you.

OP here. I was never the worlds most attractive guy, but I’m basically the same I was when we got married. About 10 lbs heavier maybe half muscle half fat. Far stronger and fitter now.

Come back when you get pregnant, gain weight, deliver and then take care of kid. See how your body handles it! Oh wait...men cant get pregnant!

You can only control yourself. Honestly, you dont sound attractive and very shallow!

Spoken like a true fat chick. Blame him for being shallow, not you for being lazy. Most women seem to do just fine with having babies and losing the weight. That's just an excuse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He didn’t say that he lost sexual desire. In fact, he says that part of their relationship is “ok.”
He just says that he feels disgusted. He can choose to feel a different feeling.

This must be the difference between men and women . He feels "disgusted" by her, yet he is still able to get it up to have sex with her? As a woman, I can't have sex with a man who disgusts me.

Woman here. My husband has told me before that he is not attracted to me, but he is still “sexually” attracted to me. I can’t really even comprehend what that means.

He can still tolerate banging you. For now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Weight gain is complex and yes linked to hormones. The more overweight you are, the more your hormones work against losing weight. We live in a world of giant portions, drive thru style eating, sugar in everything and for many, high stress with low satisfaction in life. All of this leads to the growing obesity issue.

This does not mean it's OP,s fault or responsibility to fix. He can support his wife's decision to lose weight, which takes a lot of work, but no amount of taking on more chores or look g healthy food will help unless she is committed to losing weight and educated about changing habits. That's when his suppoo and encouragement is key. And while I get that bearing children and high stress jobs/,lives,/kids can make it hard , eating crap and overeating and overdrinking are poor coping mechanisms and set poor examples. I know all this because I struggle too with it. It's really hard and it's hard on a marriage. But there should be room.for.a.spouse to express concern (not disgust) empathy and offer support.

BS. Weight gain is a simple matter of consuming more calories than you burn. Weight loss is a simple matter of eating less, and moving around more. That's it. The rest is excuses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He didn’t say that he lost sexual desire. In fact, he says that part of their relationship is “ok.”
He just says that he feels disgusted. He can choose to feel a different feeling.

This must be the difference between men and women . He feels "disgusted" by her, yet he is still able to get it up to have sex with her? As a woman, I can't have sex with a man who disgusts me.

Woman here. My husband has told me before that he is not attracted to me, but he is still “sexually” attracted to me. I can’t really even comprehend what that means.

He can still tolerate banging you. For now.

Well, he isn't anymore. I told him that he can wait until he is actually attracted to me. As was said earlier in this thread...it shouldn't be a big deal. It's just NOT doing something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He didn’t say that he lost sexual desire. In fact, he says that part of their relationship is “ok.”
He just says that he feels disgusted. He can choose to feel a different feeling.

This must be the difference between men and women . He feels "disgusted" by her, yet he is still able to get it up to have sex with her? As a woman, I can't have sex with a man who disgusts me.

Woman here. My husband has told me before that he is not attracted to me, but he is still “sexually” attracted to me. I can’t really even comprehend what that means.

He can still tolerate banging you. For now.

Well, he isn't anymore. I told him that he can wait until he is actually attracted to me. As was said earlier in this thread...it shouldn't be a big deal. It's just NOT doing something.

That's a bold move. So first, you got fat. Now you are denying HIM sex, because he isn't as attracted to you? Let us know how that works out for you. He will be on AshleyMadison very shortly. Sex with you is soo easily replaced.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He didn’t say that he lost sexual desire. In fact, he says that part of their relationship is “ok.”
He just says that he feels disgusted. He can choose to feel a different feeling.

This must be the difference between men and women . He feels "disgusted" by her, yet he is still able to get it up to have sex with her? As a woman, I can't have sex with a man who disgusts me.

Woman here. My husband has told me before that he is not attracted to me, but he is still “sexually” attracted to me. I can’t really even comprehend what that means.

He can still tolerate banging you. For now.

Well, he isn't anymore. I told him that he can wait until he is actually attracted to me. As was said earlier in this thread...it shouldn't be a big deal. It's just NOT doing something.

That's a bold move. So first, you got fat. Now you are denying HIM sex, because he isn't as attracted to you? Let us know how that works out for you. He will be on AshleyMadison very shortly. Sex with you is soo easily replaced.

Perhaps. I guess while he is gone, I will have my friend come over more often to tell bad jokes, show my sons how to throw a football, make a pinewood derby car, and change the oil in the car. Because no one is difficult to replace.

[Anonymous]

OP, I just wanted to tell you that I am in the same boat. My husband has gained 40-50lbs since we have been together and I find him repulsive. I have tried every method possible to help him lose weight. I make healthy meals; I am very supportive about any efforts on his part to work out. I have tried talking to him about it. I have tried not talking to him about it and giving him positive feedback. We have tried counseling. I have tried to ignore it for years. I love sex and regularly have it with him (even though I find him sexually disgusting...and resent the fact that his girth impacts our sexual positions, etc). He has every excuse in the book: I’m too stressed to work out; it’s my fault he doesn’t have time to work out; I’m superficial for wanting him to be as thin as he was or healthy. I just feel disrespected and sad. I want to have a relationship where I am still sexually attracted to my husband and am attracted to him. But, nothing has resulted in him changing his attitude toward taking care of his body and keeping our sex life alive.

I don’t have any answers for you. Just wanted you to know that I understand where you are coming from and think this is a legitimate concern. Your wife is disrespecting you and your relationship by refusing to take care of herself and her weight issues.

For what it’s worth, I have had 4 kids and always returned to my prepregnancy weight.

If I could go back in time, I would pick a partner that cares about being physically in tune with his body and valued having an active sex life. But, I have kids and we have been married for 16 years. He’s a good father and provider. Am I going to divorce him because he’s fat and we have no sex life and are basically child rearing partners? It would seem completely unrealistic to me. I have thought about trying to find a sexual relationship on the side, but that seems so risky and complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just wanted to tell you that I am in the same boat. My husband has gained 40-50lbs since we have been together and I find him repulsive. I have tried every method possible to help him lose weight. I make healthy meals; I am very supportive about any efforts on his part to work out. I have tried talking to him about it. I have tried not talking to him about it and giving him positive feedback. We have tried counseling. I have tried to ignore it for years. I love sex and regularly have it with him (even though I find him sexually disgusting...and resent the fact that his girth impacts our sexual positions, etc). He has every excuse in the book: I’m too stressed to work out; it’s my fault he doesn’t have time to work out; I’m superficial for wanting him to be as thin as he was or healthy. I just feel disrespected and sad. I want to have a relationship where I am still sexually attracted to my husband and am attracted to him. But, nothing has resulted in him changing his attitude toward taking care of his body and keeping our sex life alive.

I don’t have any answers for you. Just wanted you to know that I understand where you are coming from and think this is a legitimate concern. Your wife is disrespecting you and your relationship by refusing to take care of herself and her weight issues.

For what it’s worth, I have had 4 kids and always returned to my prepregnancy weight.

If I could go back in time, I would pick a partner that cares about being physically in tune with his body and valued having an active sex life. But, I have kids and we have been married for 16 years. He’s a good father and provider. Am I going to divorce him because he’s fat and we have no sex life and are basically child rearing partners? It would seem completely unrealistic to me. I have thought about trying to find a sexual relationship on the side, but that seems so risky and complicated.

When my husband was addicted to IV opiates, I went to work so he could quit his job, go to rehab, and focus on his mental health and wellness for a couple of years. Could you do something like that? I know there are "weight loss retreats" that are essentially rehab for weight loss. And I am sure that he could meet with a counselor and wellness coach to help him through lifestyle choices.
I am aware that it isn't ideal, but it's better than divorce, right?
My own spouse has been off opiates for 7 years, and our marriage has never been better.

[Anonymous]

I'm disgusted that my husband's erection isn't as hard at 45 as it was at 25, but I don't want a divorce either. I'm not really attracted to him anymore because of it, but I also don't want to hurt my kids. How can I talk to my husband about letting me find a 20-something side piece who can get really good erections so I can have real orgasms again?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I just wanted to tell you that I am in the same boat. My husband has gained 40-50lbs since we have been together and I find him repulsive. I have tried every method possible to help him lose weight. I make healthy meals; I am very supportive about any efforts on his part to work out. I have tried talking to him about it. I have tried not talking to him about it and giving him positive feedback. We have tried counseling. I have tried to ignore it for years. I love sex and regularly have it with him (even though I find him sexually disgusting...and resent the fact that his girth impacts our sexual positions, etc). He has every excuse in the book: I’m too stressed to work out; it’s my fault he doesn’t have time to work out; I’m superficial for wanting him to be as thin as he was or healthy. I just feel disrespected and sad. I want to have a relationship where I am still sexually attracted to my husband and am attracted to him. But, nothing has resulted in him changing his attitude toward taking care of his body and keeping our sex life alive.

I don’t have any answers for you. Just wanted you to know that I understand where you are coming from and think this is a legitimate concern. Your wife is disrespecting you and your relationship by refusing to take care of herself and her weight issues.

For what it’s worth, I have had 4 kids and always returned to my prepregnancy weight.

If I could go back in time, I would pick a partner that cares about being physically in tune with his body and valued having an active sex life. But, I have kids and we have been married for 16 years. He’s a good father and provider. Am I going to divorce him because he’s fat and we have no sex life and are basically child rearing partners? It would seem completely unrealistic to me. I have thought about trying to find a sexual relationship on the side, but that seems so risky and complicated.

BINGO

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
He didn’t say that he lost sexual desire. In fact, he says that part of their relationship is “ok.”
He just says that he feels disgusted. He can choose to feel a different feeling.

This must be the difference between men and women . He feels "disgusted" by her, yet he is still able to get it up to have sex with her? As a woman, I can't have sex with a man who disgusts me.

Woman here. My husband has told me before that he is not attracted to me, but he is still “sexually” attracted to me. I can’t really even comprehend what that means.

He can still tolerate banging you. For now.

Well, he isn't anymore. I told him that he can wait until he is actually attracted to me. As was said earlier in this thread...it shouldn't be a big deal. It's just NOT doing something.

Your original question was unclear that you had cut him off. The revised answer then is it means he is banging some one of the 1.5 Billion attractive women who are not overweight. As you said, no big deal to NOT do that with you.