Reply to Disgusted by Wife’s Obesity But Don’t Want a Divorce

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Wife is about 40 pounds overweight and short. She’s obese. I’m not really attracted to her anymore. Weight gain mostly started 5 years after last kid—this is not kid related. She just stopped working out and started eating more and more sweets and drinking more and more wine.

She doesn’t seem to care about looking good for me. Also a terrible role mode for our kids.

But I don’t want to hurt our kids with divorce. (The rest of our relationship is ok—not amazing or terrible.)

Any suggestions *from women* about how to talk to wife? [/quote]

This post is a joke right?? This can't be real. Divorce because of weight gain? Seriously?  I mean first of all, why does she need to look good for YOU? What about looking and feeling good for herself? How can you say this is not kid related? Have you ever been pregnant, birthed a child, breastfed, then been responsible for said child after going through all of those events?  It's exhausting even 5 years after you give birth.  Who's registering the kids for school, arranging doctor's appointments, figuring out childcare/camp arrangements, facilitating playdates, checking to make sure homework is done, coordinating for school events, finding extracurricular activities, and then worrying about all the constant check list running through her head that isn't getting done?  Maybe she feels overwhelmed and doesn't have an ounce of energy to workout anymore. Does your kid have special needs? Add that to the heap and it becomes even more overwhelming.

Have you even asked her why she's not working out anymore? Did something change along the way? Is she turning to food and wine to cope for something else? Did something change with friends? Her family? Lose a parent? I mean this is your WIFE we're talking about. The mother of your children! Give her a freaking break and find out what's driving her to stop taking care of herself. I promise you it's not because she doesn't want to look good for YOU.

And why are we all jumping to assumptions that she's an alcoholic, or even a functioning alcoholic? What does "more and more wine" even mean? A bottle a day or did she used to drink a glass or two on weekends and now she's kicking back a drink every night?    Heck there are DCUMers on here who admit to drinking a bottle a day, which sounds gross, but does that make you an alcoholic? The bottom line is you need to find out why she's turning more and more to wine, and to food. She's using these things to cope for something and you need to be an empathetic, caring husband and find out why because these are not healthy habits.

When did +40lbs equal obese? Did she tell you she's 40lbs overweight or are you just estimating?  I'm 5'5" and used to weigh 120lbs in college. I was a size 2 and was probably underweight. I got up to 160lbs after kids and yes, that wasn't a good look on me, but I wasn't obese. Flabby? Yes. Obese? no. I worked it off and am now 140lbs.  I'll never get back down to 120lbs.  We all can't get back to our old bodies after kids--for some of us, it's just not possible no matter how strict we are with diet and working out.  My body has changed since kids. I have diastasis recti--the washboard abs I took for granted in college aren't coming back.  But, what is most important to me, my husband, my kids is that I feel good and that I'm healthy.  The ONLY thing I agree with OP is that being a good role model for your kids is important when it comes to our health.  My kids see me working out and they cheer me on and that makes me feel great. Also, my husband understands how important it is to work out and feel good about YOURSELF.

You said you wanted to hear *from women* (whatever that is supposed to mean) so I'll give it to you straight--for women, the connection between our bodies and physical fitness is deeply rooted in how we feel emotionally. If something isn't working in the emotional/mental health department, it's not going to work in the physical fitness department either.  If she's feeling overwhelmed about the kids, she may not be able to get herself off that couch to go for a run or hit the weights.  If she's depressed about the way she feels or feeling sad that she downed a sleeve of cookies the other night, going for that walk or that run may seem insurmountable to her to get back to where she was 5 years ago.  You need to help lift her out of this funk. Find ways to encourage her to work out--maybe set the example yourself. you could go for a walk together, take the kids our for a hike, simple things that you can do as a family. And if nothing else, find out if she needs some therapy. Someone to talk to who can help her cope with whatever she is feeling so she doesn't have to turn to food.

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