I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another option. Put it up for adoption. There are plenty of loving families that would love to raise that baby. They will generally cover healthcare costs during pregnancy/delivery too.

If she got pregnant on purpose, there's no way she'll go for adoption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the most pulled together guy that I know, Colonel W.,
got his girlfriend pregnant when they were both 18. He joined the army to pay the bills. He said he knew there was no other way. They got married at 18. Neither family thought it would work. Family financial support was not an option as they were both from large families in Detroit. Colonel W and wife are still together several decades later.

OP here - I wish my story will have a happy ending like this.

Colonel Ws notwithstanding, how many of you are still with your high school boyfriends? I was “in love” with mine for a year but we broke up after graduation and never looked back. Chances are that OP’s daughter and her bf will not stay together. Most college guys would not have considered an unmarried single mother to be marriage material.

+1. I think a lot of posters are making a huge assumption that a teenage boy is going to (i) stay with OP's DD and (ii) want to raise a child.

A lot of 18 year olds enlist and it would take the burden off of OP. OP, I would ask your daughter if the boyfriend has talked to the recruiters at the different services
so that he gets a guaranteed paycheck and learns a trade to support her and the little one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the most pulled together guy that I know, Colonel W.,
got his girlfriend pregnant when they were both 18. He joined the army to pay the bills. He said he knew there was no other way. They got married at 18. Neither family thought it would work. Family financial support was not an option as they were both from large families in Detroit. Colonel W and wife are still together several decades later.

OP here - I wish my story will have a happy ending like this.

Colonel Ws notwithstanding, how many of you are still with your high school boyfriends? I was “in love” with mine for a year but we broke up after graduation and never looked back. Chances are that OP’s daughter and her bf will not stay together. Most college guys would not have considered an unmarried single mother to be marriage material.

The baby has a father and the father happens to be a teenage boy. He is just as much a parent to this baby as the girl is. He is just as responsible for this baby as the girl is.

In fact, his parents might be telling their son right now that he and Op's daughter should live with them after the baby is born. Not all guys are complete jerks. Paternal grandparents can be just as involved as maternal grandparents if not more so.

Op's daughter also has a father who has allowed her to come live with him. Certainly the care of one little baby can be worked out. This is not all, nor should it be all, on Op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

The baby is covered under the mothers healthcare until released by the hospital then carried under medicaid.

And the "mother's healthcare" is coming from...where?

Is OP providing it, atm? Who is going to pay the out of pocket expenses for prenatal, delivery, and post-delivery care? What happens if there are complications and OP gets a honking bill?

OP TOLD this girl not to get pregnant - and she ignored it. It's time for this young adult to face up to the fact that choices have consequences. Maybe I'm heartless - and that's fine if that's the perception - but there is no way I would deal with having a screaming infant and all of the attendant time/energy/financial responsibilities on me because my DC were just choosing to be ill-advisedly willful.

OP has heath care, the daughter stays on it until 26. Do you not know how health care works?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

Do you guys not know any poor people? Do you think everyone has insurance and/or thousands in the bank. You get medicaid, you get WIC, you get food stamps.

PP here.

And - sorry if this comes across as judgment - choosing to have children under those circumstances is pretty damn irresponsible, IMHO. Children are expensive - that is a known fact going in. Having them with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it.

So, poor people shouldn't have kids. Interesting look, PP.

Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids. Correct.

You think that only "teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money" use medicaid, WIC and food stamps?

Why are you putting words in my mouth? No, I don't think that "only" teenagers use emergency assistance. But this thread is about THIS teenager, and I agree with the PP that it's irresponsible to intentionally get pregnant when she clearly cannot afford to take care of herself, much less a baby.

You literally said that "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it." You didn't limit it to teenagers. I asked you if you meant all poor people. You then said that you meant just "Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids." So then I asked if you thought the two phrases were the same thing, since you were using them interchangeably.

I'm not putting words in your mouth. It's all right up there. My point is, if you want this thread to be about "THIS teenager," then stop making sweeping generalizations about the people who have children using "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps." We have those programs for a reason -- it's so all people, even if they're poor, can eat, access heath care, and provide for their kids. That's a good thing. Don't sh!t on the poor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

Do you guys not know any poor people? Do you think everyone has insurance and/or thousands in the bank. You get medicaid, you get WIC, you get food stamps.

PP here.

And - sorry if this comes across as judgment - choosing to have children under those circumstances is pretty damn irresponsible, IMHO. Children are expensive - that is a known fact going in. Having them with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it.

So, poor people shouldn't have kids. Interesting look, PP.

Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids. Correct.

You think that only "teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money" use medicaid, WIC and food stamps?

Why are you putting words in my mouth? No, I don't think that "only" teenagers use emergency assistance. But this thread is about THIS teenager, and I agree with the PP that it's irresponsible to intentionally get pregnant when she clearly cannot afford to take care of herself, much less a baby.

You literally said that "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it." You didn't limit it to teenagers. I asked you if you meant all poor people. You then said that you meant just "Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids." So then I asked if you thought the two phrases were the same thing, since you were using them interchangeably.

I'm not putting words in your mouth. It's all right up there. My point is, if you want this thread to be about "THIS teenager," then stop making sweeping generalizations about the people who have children using "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps." We have those programs for a reason -- it's so all people, even if they're poor, can eat, access heath care, and provide for their kids. That's a good thing. Don't sh!t on the poor.

In fairness, the PP did say that having that be your PLAN is a bad idea. Which it kind of is, having a planned pregnancy under these circumstances isn't a great idea. I think we need a much much larger safety net in this country, esp. for parents. But I'd hope that parents would not plan for that to be their saving grace. Its not functionally different if a teen plans vs ends up pregnant- but it definitely goes to the mentality and decision making ability of that teen and/or adult person already struggling

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the most pulled together guy that I know, Colonel W.,
got his girlfriend pregnant when they were both 18. He joined the army to pay the bills. He said he knew there was no other way. They got married at 18. Neither family thought it would work. Family financial support was not an option as they were both from large families in Detroit. Colonel W and wife are still together several decades later.

OP here - I wish my story will have a happy ending like this.

Colonel Ws notwithstanding, how many of you are still with your high school boyfriends? I was “in love” with mine for a year but we broke up after graduation and never looked back. Chances are that OP’s daughter and her bf will not stay together. Most college guys would not have considered an unmarried single mother to be marriage material.

+1. I think a lot of posters are making a huge assumption that a teenage boy is going to (i) stay with OP's DD and (ii) want to raise a child.

A lot of 18 year olds enlist and it would take the burden off of OP. OP, I would ask your daughter if the boyfriend has talked to the recruiters at the different services
so that he gets a guaranteed paycheck and learns a trade to support her and the little one.

PP here and I enlisted at 17 so I know the deal but my point is that it's a huge leap to assume this boy is going to be willing to upend his entire life for the new child. Whether he should or shoudn't isn't really my point but rather that OP's daughter is making what is probably an unrealistic assumption that things with this kid are going to play out the way she wants them to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

Do you guys not know any poor people? Do you think everyone has insurance and/or thousands in the bank. You get medicaid, you get WIC, you get food stamps.

PP here.

And - sorry if this comes across as judgment - choosing to have children under those circumstances is pretty damn irresponsible, IMHO. Children are expensive - that is a known fact going in. Having them with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it.

So, poor people shouldn't have kids. Interesting look, PP.

Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids. Correct.

You think that only "teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money" use medicaid, WIC and food stamps?

Why are you putting words in my mouth? No, I don't think that "only" teenagers use emergency assistance. But this thread is about THIS teenager, and I agree with the PP that it's irresponsible to intentionally get pregnant when she clearly cannot afford to take care of herself, much less a baby.

You literally said that "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it." You didn't limit it to teenagers. I asked you if you meant all poor people. You then said that you meant just "Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids." So then I asked if you thought the two phrases were the same thing, since you were using them interchangeably.

I'm not putting words in your mouth. It's all right up there. My point is, if you want this thread to be about "THIS teenager," then stop making sweeping generalizations about the people who have children using "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps." We have those programs for a reason -- it's so all people, even if they're poor, can eat, access heath care, and provide for their kids. That's a good thing. Don't sh!t on the poor.

In fairness, the PP did say that having that be your PLAN is a bad idea. Which it kind of is, having a planned pregnancy under these circumstances isn't a great idea. I think we need a much much larger safety net in this country, esp. for parents. But I'd hope that parents would not plan for that to be their saving grace. Its not functionally different if a teen plans vs ends up pregnant- but it definitely goes to the mentality and decision making ability of that teen and/or adult person already struggling

News Alert: Teens make bad decisions.

Later in the news ... water is wet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the most pulled together guy that I know, Colonel W.,
got his girlfriend pregnant when they were both 18. He joined the army to pay the bills. He said he knew there was no other way. They got married at 18. Neither family thought it would work. Family financial support was not an option as they were both from large families in Detroit. Colonel W and wife are still together several decades later.

OP here - I wish my story will have a happy ending like this.

Colonel Ws notwithstanding, how many of you are still with your high school boyfriends? I was “in love” with mine for a year but we broke up after graduation and never looked back. Chances are that OP’s daughter and her bf will not stay together. Most college guys would not have considered an unmarried single mother to be marriage material.

+1. I think a lot of posters are making a huge assumption that a teenage boy is going to (i) stay with OP's DD and (ii) want to raise a child.

A lot of 18 year olds enlist and it would take the burden off of OP. OP, I would ask your daughter if the boyfriend has talked to the recruiters at the different services
so that he gets a guaranteed paycheck and learns a trade to support her and the little one.

PP here and I enlisted at 17 so I know the deal but my point is that it's a huge leap to assume this boy is going to be willing to upend his entire life for the new child. Whether he should or shoudn't isn't really my point but rather that OP's daughter is making what is probably an unrealistic assumption that things with this kid are going to play out the way she wants them to.

Whether this boy stays with Op's daughter, marries her is not really the issue. The issue is that he is just as responsible for this baby as Op's daughter is. Ideally these two young adults will work together to raise this child but regardless of how their relationship pans out, that boy is responsible for providing for his child, too.

I do think the odds are stacked against their relationship with each other lasting. But you never know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

Do you guys not know any poor people? Do you think everyone has insurance and/or thousands in the bank. You get medicaid, you get WIC, you get food stamps.

PP here.

And - sorry if this comes across as judgment - choosing to have children under those circumstances is pretty damn irresponsible, IMHO. Children are expensive - that is a known fact going in. Having them with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it.

So, poor people shouldn't have kids. Interesting look, PP.

Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids. Correct.

You think that only "teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money" use medicaid, WIC and food stamps?

Why are you putting words in my mouth? No, I don't think that "only" teenagers use emergency assistance. But this thread is about THIS teenager, and I agree with the PP that it's irresponsible to intentionally get pregnant when she clearly cannot afford to take care of herself, much less a baby.

You literally said that "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it." You didn't limit it to teenagers. I asked you if you meant all poor people. You then said that you meant just "Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids." So then I asked if you thought the two phrases were the same thing, since you were using them interchangeably.

I'm not putting words in your mouth. It's all right up there. My point is, if you want this thread to be about "THIS teenager," then stop making sweeping generalizations about the people who have children using "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps." We have those programs for a reason -- it's so all people, even if they're poor, can eat, access heath care, and provide for their kids. That's a good thing. Don't sh!t on the poor.

In fairness, the PP did say that having that be your PLAN is a bad idea. Which it kind of is, having a planned pregnancy under these circumstances isn't a great idea. I think we need a much much larger safety net in this country, esp. for parents. But I'd hope that parents would not plan for that to be their saving grace. Its not functionally different if a teen plans vs ends up pregnant- but it definitely goes to the mentality and decision making ability of that teen and/or adult person already struggling

News Alert: Teens make bad decisions.

Later in the news ... water is wet.

Adding: They didn't kill anyone. They haven't committed a crime. No one is being sent to the slammer.

They are having a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One of the most pulled together guy that I know, Colonel W.,
got his girlfriend pregnant when they were both 18. He joined the army to pay the bills. He said he knew there was no other way. They got married at 18. Neither family thought it would work. Family financial support was not an option as they were both from large families in Detroit. Colonel W and wife are still together several decades later.

OP here - I wish my story will have a happy ending like this.

Colonel Ws notwithstanding, how many of you are still with your high school boyfriends? I was “in love” with mine for a year but we broke up after graduation and never looked back. Chances are that OP’s daughter and her bf will not stay together. Most college guys would not have considered an unmarried single mother to be marriage material.

+1. I think a lot of posters are making a huge assumption that a teenage boy is going to (i) stay with OP's DD and (ii) want to raise a child.

A lot of 18 year olds enlist and it would take the burden off of OP. OP, I would ask your daughter if the boyfriend has talked to the recruiters at the different services
so that he gets a guaranteed paycheck and learns a trade to support her and the little one.

PP here and I enlisted at 17 so I know the deal but my point is that it's a huge leap to assume this boy is going to be willing to upend his entire life for the new child. Whether he should or shoudn't isn't really my point but rather that OP's daughter is making what is probably an unrealistic assumption that things with this kid are going to play out the way she wants them to.

Ha! This is great way to get the boys parents to hate you. The odds of some privileged kid deciding to enlist to help out his girlfriend are next to zero. You guys are engaging in the same type of magical thinking as OP’s daughter...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

Do you guys not know any poor people? Do you think everyone has insurance and/or thousands in the bank. You get medicaid, you get WIC, you get food stamps.

PP here.

And - sorry if this comes across as judgment - choosing to have children under those circumstances is pretty damn irresponsible, IMHO. Children are expensive - that is a known fact going in. Having them with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it.

So, poor people shouldn't have kids. Interesting look, PP.

Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids. Correct.

You think that only "teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money" use medicaid, WIC and food stamps?

Why are you putting words in my mouth? No, I don't think that "only" teenagers use emergency assistance. But this thread is about THIS teenager, and I agree with the PP that it's irresponsible to intentionally get pregnant when she clearly cannot afford to take care of herself, much less a baby.

You literally said that "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it." You didn't limit it to teenagers. I asked you if you meant all poor people. You then said that you meant just "Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids." So then I asked if you thought the two phrases were the same thing, since you were using them interchangeably.

I'm not putting words in your mouth. It's all right up there. My point is, if you want this thread to be about "THIS teenager," then stop making sweeping generalizations about the people who have children using "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps." We have those programs for a reason -- it's so all people, even if they're poor, can eat, access heath care, and provide for their kids. That's a good thing. Don't sh!t on the poor.

There is more than one PP you are responding to. My statements are in bold. I never said that poor people shouldn't have kids. I agree with the PP that deciding to get pregnant on purpose with no job, no money and expecting to rely on emergency assistance, which is a PITTANCE, is a shitty and stupid plan. For someone who is barely out of childhood themselves to handicap themselves right out of the gate with a child, who will be born into EVEN WORSE circumstances is morally reprehensible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

Do you guys not know any poor people? Do you think everyone has insurance and/or thousands in the bank. You get medicaid, you get WIC, you get food stamps.

PP here.

And - sorry if this comes across as judgment - choosing to have children under those circumstances is pretty damn irresponsible, IMHO. Children are expensive - that is a known fact going in. Having them with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it.

So, poor people shouldn't have kids. Interesting look, PP.

Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids. Correct.

You think that only "teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money" use medicaid, WIC and food stamps?

Why are you putting words in my mouth? No, I don't think that "only" teenagers use emergency assistance. But this thread is about THIS teenager, and I agree with the PP that it's irresponsible to intentionally get pregnant when she clearly cannot afford to take care of herself, much less a baby.

You literally said that "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it." You didn't limit it to teenagers. I asked you if you meant all poor people. You then said that you meant just "Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids." So then I asked if you thought the two phrases were the same thing, since you were using them interchangeably.

I'm not putting words in your mouth. It's all right up there. My point is, if you want this thread to be about "THIS teenager," then stop making sweeping generalizations about the people who have children using "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps." We have those programs for a reason -- it's so all people, even if they're poor, can eat, access heath care, and provide for their kids. That's a good thing. Don't sh!t on the poor.

PP here. Actually, I am the not the one who posted about teens with no education, specifically - that was someone else. You are confusing two posters.

I DO NOT believe - regardless of whether it is an unpopular view - that people without adequate means should be having children. That is not shitting on the poor. That is taking responsibility for one's self. For the life of me, I cannot understand WHY someone who can't afford to eat, and can't afford health care - and likely can't afford other basic necessities - would think it is a good idea to bring another human into this world that they can't support. Oh, wait? It's because there are programs that will do that for them? What an excellent plan.

How about getting your own life straight, first, instead of perpetuating being on the dole, as a plan?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

PP here.

I'm so sorry, OP.

One thing that I forgot to mention: my sister and her DH started their lives in the hole financially - I think it was something like $10k - because of the cost of just the pregnancy...

This is from webMD: https://www.webmd.com/baby/features/cost-of-having-a-baby#1. Obviously there are many more resources that can help you and everyone involved understand the financial implications of her choice to keep this baby. Not doing so is 1000% irresponsible.

"The cost of having a baby can really add up at the hospital. You should make sure you are well-prepared financially for this part of pregnancy, especially if you don't have health insurance. The costs of childbirth can be steep. The charge for an uncomplicated cesarean section was about $15,800 in 2008. An uncomplicated vaginal birth cost about $9,600, government data show. Women who have individual health insurance policies often find that maternity care coverage is completely excluded, says Carol Sakala, PhD, director of programs at the nonprofit Childbirth Connection."

And those figures are from 08. Do they have health insurance?

I know you have kicked her out, and said you are done - but maybe the role you can play (along with setting really firm boundaries about the physical/financial support you are willing/able to offer) is to be the voice of reason and reality. Root out the costs that people don't think about/pay attention to and share this information with DD, BF, exH and BF's parents.

Just a thought...

That’s a really good point. Theoretically OP’s daughter and the baby's father could still be on their respective parents’ health insurance until they are 26, but would that cover the pregnancy? And then what would cover the baby?

Do you guys not know any poor people? Do you think everyone has insurance and/or thousands in the bank. You get medicaid, you get WIC, you get food stamps.

PP here.

And - sorry if this comes across as judgment - choosing to have children under those circumstances is pretty damn irresponsible, IMHO. Children are expensive - that is a known fact going in. Having them with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it.

So, poor people shouldn't have kids. Interesting look, PP.

Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids. Correct.

You think that only "teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money" use medicaid, WIC and food stamps?

Why are you putting words in my mouth? No, I don't think that "only" teenagers use emergency assistance. But this thread is about THIS teenager, and I agree with the PP that it's irresponsible to intentionally get pregnant when she clearly cannot afford to take care of herself, much less a baby.

You literally said that "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps as the plan is just so ill-informed and entitled. If you want a child, you should make sure you have the wherewithal to pay for it." You didn't limit it to teenagers. I asked you if you meant all poor people. You then said that you meant just "Teenagers with no education, no work experience, no skills, no job, no money should not have kids." So then I asked if you thought the two phrases were the same thing, since you were using them interchangeably.

I'm not putting words in your mouth. It's all right up there. My point is, if you want this thread to be about "THIS teenager," then stop making sweeping generalizations about the people who have children using "Having [children] with medicaid, WIC and food stamps." We have those programs for a reason -- it's so all people, even if they're poor, can eat, access heath care, and provide for their kids. That's a good thing. Don't sh!t on the poor.

In fairness, the PP did say that having that be your PLAN is a bad idea. Which it kind of is, having a planned pregnancy under these circumstances isn't a great idea. I think we need a much much larger safety net in this country, esp. for parents. But I'd hope that parents would not plan for that to be their saving grace. Its not functionally different if a teen plans vs ends up pregnant- but it definitely goes to the mentality and decision making ability of that teen and/or adult person already struggling

News Alert: Teens make bad decisions.

Later in the news ... water is wet.

Adding: They didn't kill anyone. They haven't committed a crime. No one is being sent to the slammer.

They are having a baby.

Correction: they are having a baby THEY CAN"T AFFORD.

[Anonymous]

There’s no guarantee the young man will make it in the military. I wish people would stop suggesting it as a catch-all for screwups.