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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP my husband can be like this but it has gotten better in the last two years. My breaking point came when our kid, who was 5 at the time, was diagnosed with ARFID which is an eating disorder that presents as "picky eating" but is actually serious -- she would gag on food or throw it up due to the smell or texture of it, and she was not trying to be picky but could not control her aversion. It was and still is a very hard thing to parent through, but DH made it much worse because he'd blow up at her for not eating even after she'd been diagnosed and we'd learned that conflict and confrontation over eating would only make it worse. When he did this I'd feel so abandoned because I was also very frustrated but working really hard to control it so I could give her what she needed, and he wasn't even trying. So my efforts were for nothing and she was getting more and more stressed about food anyway.

Here's what helped:

1) I point it out, but do so later when things are calm. So if he blew up at her at dinner, in the moment I would either ignore him or just say "I'll handle it," address DD's needs, and move on. But then after the kids were in bed, I'd turn off the TV and explain calmly that it sucks for me to have to be the functional parent in those moments, and that what I really want is a partner to go through it with me, instead of another person whose emotions I have to manage. I really worked to not get overly critical or blaming in these talks. I used lots of "I" statements and explained why the situation was hard for me or what I wish I got from him, instead of saying "you do this, you do that." That helped him hear me better.

2) He went to therapy and worked on anger management. This is critical. It could be therapy, a meditation practice, a parenting class. Just anything to show he's working on it. I remember at one point talking to my DH about this and he said "I just don't handle stress well," and I pointed out that there's no way for me to eliminate stress from our lives and that it's unfair for him to expect to be exempt from the stress of being a working, middle class parent while I take it all on. That helped him realize that every time he just can't deal with a situation, that's yet another thing I have to do. That's when he started to realize this was a problem he needed to solve and not a "take it or leave it" situation. I didn't threaten divorce, but I did tell him that it was very hard for me to imagine spending the next 40-50 years of my life with someone who simply cannot handle stress, because I expect there to be some stress during that time.

3) As my kids got older, I got them involved. I guess this could be controversial, but the truth is my kids are pretty emotionally intelligent and good at naming their feelings and talking through how to deal with them. But my older kid definitely struggles with blowing up when she gets frustrated, and IMO that has to be addressed head on. So as I worked with her to build up her tolerance for frustration or distress, I used situations with DH and I as examples and she started calling out DH when he did exactly the thing she was working on getting better at. This was hard at first but then great. Sometimes DH and DD will get upset with each other and have a little mini tantrum (not as bad as they once were) but then they will come together, apologize, and talk about what the each could have done better. Without any prompting from me. It was great.[/quote]

Oh hey there, fellow ARFID mom here!!! So so so hard. We have a variety of other SN and medical needs in the mix and this has been one of the most exhausting and challenging, in a way I could never have dreamed.

My husband was really great actually in listening to the therapist and following the plan for food for our ARFID child but had some really hard power struggles and intense reactions to both kids over other things. Getting woken up was one actually, though he would not have cursed at our child, no way.

The only thing that actually helped us was working 1:1 with a psychologist through an official parent training program. It was honestly life changing for us all. I think my DH (who I now suspect also has ADHD as well, in addition to his actual anxiety diagnosis) really needed a third party to write it down and say hey this is what really works for kids like yours. Otherwise it was just well you have your way and I have my way so they are both somehow valid. I had done a ton of reading and working with our child’s professionals so it was pretty much my approach but what ever. I just cared it worked.

It took a lot to get him there but I’d do it all again. [/quote]

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