For those of you whose parents divorced when you were 20+, if one of your parents started a second

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the first wife in this scenario. I was going to grow old with my husband, one kid, good jobs, stable home life, life was good. Until we hit our mid-40’s when our kid was in high school and an affair destroyed the marriage. My now XH had a vasectomy when our son was young as neither of us wanted any other kids.

Within a year of the divorce he had remarried, gotten himself a full time step-kid (the other dad wasn’t in the picture) and his new wife was pregnant- apparently they had to get medical intervention to help. That baby was born around the same time our son was graduating from high school.

My son loves his half-sibling, has no use for his step-sibling and his relationship with his dad is very superficial, through no fault or action of his own. When he’s home from college on breaks he’ll split his time between houses but his dad never makes time for him one on one. My son is only around a few weeks a year and his dad can’t take one evening to have dinner, or a few hours to take a walk. My XH visited him at school freshman year (with his new family) but hasn’t been since. I try to go at least once a semester, and I cover all of the “parents weekend” type events. I know my sons friends, his fraternity brothers and some of their parents. My XH is completely uninvolved by his choice and really has no interest in my son. He’s moved on and has a new life. I’m not keeping my son from his dad, I’ve never said a bad thing about him and our son thinks we divorced because we grew apart. I fully encourage their relationship and sit on the sidelines while he asks his dad to participate in his important events before me. I stand by ready to go when his dad says no.

My son knows he can’t count on anything in terms of inheritance from his dad and I’m doing everything I can to try and maximize my own estate for his benefit.

Who had the affair? Lots of parents don’t visit their kids in college. Mine never did except for a medical issue.

Just because your parents suck doesn’t mean it’s okay.

Why would you frequently visit? That is not normal.

It’s sad you had such $hitty parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does 92 year-old Rupert Murdoch hang out and parent his kids with Wendi Deng? Those girls are now in college.

What a twisted scenario.

You’re acting like Murdoch is some average working class Joe who personally changed all his other kids’ diapers. 😂

[Anonymous]

It’s interesting how many people had no relationship with parents as an adult.

Their parents never visited them at college, never did weekends away with their dad, never had them visit for the weekend to just help out with a house project, didn’t have their parents help when they were sick/surgery, or just spend the weekend to bond.

This really is telling about why some people are so f’d up/daddy issues.

[Anonymous]

Second wives, is "Adult Children Get Nothing" really the precedent that you want to set? Are you so sure that your kids will never need their father's time and attention as adults? They'll never have an illness, they'll never lose their job, they'll never have a difficult pregnancy or a child with special needs or anything for which they might want their family to stand behind them? When they see their father, they'll travel *to* him-- he'll never see their home, he'll never see their children's school play or piano recital or 8th grade graduation. Is this really, truly, how you want things to be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.

They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.

[Anonymous]

Yes, my dad started a second family. In my case, his new wife really did not want me to be a part of his new family, so while I have a good relationship with him personally, I am not a part of his "life", if that makes sense. I'll always love my dad and I cherish our time together when I was younger, but I have had to accept over the past ten years that my previous relationship with him is gone and has been replaced by his current family. Hopefully your stepmom is not as selfish as mine, and your father has a bit more perspective and grip than mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does 92 year-old Rupert Murdoch hang out and parent his kids with Wendi Deng? Those girls are now in college.

What a twisted scenario.

You’re acting like Murdoch is some average working class Joe who personally changed all his other kids’ diapers. 😂

Succession is a documentary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.

They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.

Are you married? Presumably you understand that when you get married, there is no "his" money, especially with regard to earned income. It's "our" money. In marriage, one person doesn't make unilateral decisions about the couple's money, especially when a couple has young, dependent children at home. If there's not enough money to financially support adult children and care for young children, then obviously something has to give, and it's not the young, dependent children. That's just the nature of parenting. If you have young children of your own, then surely you wouldn't choose to finance another adult over providing for your young children. If someone is uber wealthy and can still spread their money around to their adult children indefinitely, that's great, but that like 0.1% of the population.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.

They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.

Are you married? Presumably you understand that when you get married, there is no "his" money, especially with regard to earned income. It's "our" money. In marriage, one person doesn't make unilateral decisions about the couple's money, especially when a couple has young, dependent children at home. If there's not enough money to financially support adult children and care for young children, then obviously something has to give, and it's not the young, dependent children. That's just the nature of parenting. If you have young children of your own, then surely you wouldn't choose to finance another adult over providing for your young children. If someone is uber wealthy and can still spread their money around to their adult children indefinitely, that's great, but that like 0.1% of the population.

Don’t have a second family. Problem solved. Unless you have a breeding fetish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.

They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.

Are you married? Presumably you understand that when you get married, there is no "his" money, especially with regard to earned income. It's "our" money. In marriage, one person doesn't make unilateral decisions about the couple's money, especially when a couple has young, dependent children at home. If there's not enough money to financially support adult children and care for young children, then obviously something has to give, and it's not the young, dependent children. That's just the nature of parenting. If you have young children of your own, then surely you wouldn't choose to finance another adult over providing for your young children. If someone is uber wealthy and can still spread their money around to their adult children indefinitely, that's great, but that like 0.1% of the population.

Don’t have a second family. Problem solved. Unless you have a breeding fetish.

Maybe you were the mistake, not his second set of kids that he had with a spouse he actually loves? I'm a child of a second marriage. My dad's older kid and baby mamma have caused a lot of problems in our lives. My parents have been married over 35 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.

They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.

Are you married? Presumably you understand that when you get married, there is no "his" money, especially with regard to earned income. It's "our" money. In marriage, one person doesn't make unilateral decisions about the couple's money, especially when a couple has young, dependent children at home. If there's not enough money to financially support adult children and care for young children, then obviously something has to give, and it's not the young, dependent children. That's just the nature of parenting. If you have young children of your own, then surely you wouldn't choose to finance another adult over providing for your young children. If someone is uber wealthy and can still spread their money around to their adult children indefinitely, that's great, but that like 0.1% of the population.

Don’t have a second family. Problem solved. Unless you have a breeding fetish.

Maybe you were the mistake, not his second set of kids that he had with a spouse he actually loves? I'm a child of a second marriage. My dad's older kid and baby mamma have caused a lot of problems in our lives. My parents have been married over 35 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.

They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.

Are you married? Presumably you understand that when you get married, there is no "his" money, especially with regard to earned income. It's "our" money. In marriage, one person doesn't make unilateral decisions about the couple's money, especially when a couple has young, dependent children at home. If there's not enough money to financially support adult children and care for young children, then obviously something has to give, and it's not the young, dependent children. That's just the nature of parenting. If you have young children of your own, then surely you wouldn't choose to finance another adult over providing for your young children. If someone is uber wealthy and can still spread their money around to their adult children indefinitely, that's great, but that like 0.1% of the population.

Don’t have a second family. Problem solved. Unless you have a breeding fetish.

Maybe you were the mistake, not his second set of kids that he had with a spouse he actually loves? I'm a child of a second marriage. My dad's older kid and baby mamma have caused a lot of problems in our lives. My parents have been married over 35 years.

Your parents are POS’s.

[Anonymous]

This happened to my DH. My FIL had twins with his second wife, there’s a 23 difference between him and his half siblings. There is very little relationship due to age difference. His stepmother is lovely and we all like her. My SIL however has major issues with her father’s new family but that’s not my circus to attend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Typical second wife trying to disappear the kids from the first marriage.

Not np. I am a second wife and I tried desperately to have one big family, even settled for not always happy if I could. I love my DH and know how much ALL his DC mean to him, it was his kids from his first marriage who became magicians and disappeared, that is a fact. But I'm sure they'll magically turn back up as soon as he or I are on our deathbeds. Funny enough, their mother was the one who had all the money and pissed through it, we live a middle class life with two working people and very few vacations if any. Pretty normal I think, at least in our neighborhood. I suspect we lost some of the financial shine my step children needed/wanted, but that was their choice. They are always welcome in our home and in our lives, but I will not be blamed for their adult choices.

Nicely said. The adult kids and their kids are always welcome in our home but we will not be funding their adult lives as they are adults. If the relationship is only about money, then it’s not a relationship worth us chasing and forcing.

It’s your husband’s money, second wife.

It crazy how the 2nd wives are like… my h can spend his money any way he wants as long as it’s on me and my kids and not his adult children.

They keep saying “they are adults they don’t need his money” but they are also adults and need his money.

Are you married? Presumably you understand that when you get married, there is no "his" money, especially with regard to earned income. It's "our" money. In marriage, one person doesn't make unilateral decisions about the couple's money, especially when a couple has young, dependent children at home. If there's not enough money to financially support adult children and care for young children, then obviously something has to give, and it's not the young, dependent children. That's just the nature of parenting. If you have young children of your own, then surely you wouldn't choose to finance another adult over providing for your young children. If someone is uber wealthy and can still spread their money around to their adult children indefinitely, that's great, but that like 0.1% of the population.

Yes, i'm married.

Actually legally the money you earn is yours and your spouse has nos rights to earned money (after food and shelter, they can't starve you or kick you out). If you divorce your savings is split 50/50 but earnings is not.

"our" assumes the he can spend it any way he wants, it's his money, right.

When you marry somebody with children you immediately know that some of his earnings and savings will be used for his children adult or not... college/rent/food/weddings/vacations/visits/grandchildren/etc. It's not for you to decide how he will spend his money. That is not how a healthy marriage works.

If there is not enough then the wife should work more or have less children. People only have 2 kids all the time due to resource issues. If you choose to have kids with somebody who already has kids you have already decided your children will get less resources than somebody who does not already have children.

Providing... food/shelter sure... but after that really it's just a money grab.

The reality is that you need to understand some of his money will go to his adult children and his time and his love and his attention. If you can't share that, you should not be a 2nd wife/ or 3rd or 4th to somebody with children.