For those of you whose parents divorced when you were 20+, if one of your parents started a second

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Always feel relieved that my husband and I both agreed to get fixed when we had our last kid. No matter what happens our kids will not be second fiddle.

My spouse and I agree our two kids are the only ones we want. And it’s laughable to us the men that start an entirely family once their first set of kids reach college. Ohmygod hell no! We are 3 years to empty nest and have all kinds of trips and fun plans lined up. He also got a vasectomy.

Blended family drama - no thanks. And having to go back to preschool, and teacher conferences and kids sports and busy weekends and worry …no way!

So, you think its ok women move on and get remarried and have more kids but men should just stay divorced and hand over their entire check to their ex?

What 50 yo women are having more kids?

[Anonymous]

Because it's gross, creepy and awkward when your dad married someone your own age.

Because the new wife usually wants to pretend the original children don't exist, and when your dad dies or divorces her, you'll probably lose touch. Or the first wife wants to play Happy Family so you're expected to put on a command performance, otherwise she gets mad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

That's what you think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, why not be happy for them. How is it affecting you?

It affects you because you are very rarely still treated as your parent's child. They are focused on a toddler and you're "all grown up". Men are not good with this.

How does it not:
-additional heirs to your dad's estate, reducing your future share
-future estate also reduced by the education, college and overall cost of those children-- this affects grandchildren too since there will be more of them
-possible total disinheritance if the 2nd wive comes sole heir after he passes
-kids who may have better lives than you ever did bc he is wealthier now and also more available
-reduced loyalty since you are "done"
-dividing up the holidays
-stigma and reduced ability to attract desirable mate since one's parents are no longer married to each other
-graduations and weddings become occasions where you have to keep mom and step mom away from each other

It truly sucks.

But one very big plus is he has a younger wife to care for him when he’s old and dying so it’s not your responsibility.

[Anonymous]

Because it's going to go badly. The kids will be spoiled and entitled. The new wife wants to pretend she didn't marry an old man with baggage, but she did, and she's going to resent the time he spends with his original children and, eventually, his grandchildren. She might not get to have as many of her own kids as she wanted. The older he gets, the more she'll hate what she chose for herself, because she'll have to do most of the parenting as well as deal with his aging, and a long widowhood starts to seem like a real thing. It's not an easy thing for a wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sure, why not be happy for them. How is it affecting you?

It affects you because you are very rarely still treated as your parent's child. They are focused on a toddler and you're "all grown up". Men are not good with this.

How does it not:
-additional heirs to your dad's estate, reducing your future share
-future estate also reduced by the education, college and overall cost of those children-- this affects grandchildren too since there will be more of them
-possible total disinheritance if the 2nd wive comes sole heir after he passes
-kids who may have better lives than you ever did bc he is wealthier now and also more available
-reduced loyalty since you are "done"
-dividing up the holidays
-stigma and reduced ability to attract desirable mate since one's parents are no longer married to each other
-graduations and weddings become occasions where you have to keep mom and step mom away from each other

It truly sucks.

But one very big plus is he has a younger wife to care for him when he’s old and dying so it’s not your responsibility.

Sometimes it goes that way, other times they divorce and the first marriage kids are left to do the eldercare with a significantly reduced estate. It sucks.

[Anonymous]

OP, you can be happy if you like. Personally I enjoy babies and toddlers. But your father is about to have a lot less time and energy for you and your children, and for that I am sorry. I hope the new wife makes him happy and takes care of him for the long haul.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Because it's going to go badly. The kids will be spoiled and entitled. The new wife wants to pretend she didn't marry an old man with baggage, but she did, and she's going to resent the time he spends with his original children and, eventually, his grandchildren. She might not get to have as many of her own kids as she wanted. The older he gets, the more she'll hate what she chose for herself, because she'll have to do most of the parenting as well as deal with his aging, and a long widowhood starts to seem like a real thing. It's not an easy thing for a wife.

She also wants to have authority over wife #1’s kids.

[Anonymous]

My father was a grandfather at 57. He is 67 now and has zero patience for my 3 kids. He could never fully take care of them. He is still working so not senile and in decent health.

I am sorry OP. Perhaps your relationship will change and you will become friends more than dad-daughter relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because it's going to go badly. The kids will be spoiled and entitled. The new wife wants to pretend she didn't marry an old man with baggage, but she did, and she's going to resent the time he spends with his original children and, eventually, his grandchildren. She might not get to have as many of her own kids as she wanted. The older he gets, the more she'll hate what she chose for herself, because she'll have to do most of the parenting as well as deal with his aging, and a long widowhood starts to seem like a real thing. It's not an easy thing for a wife.

She also wants to have authority over wife #1’s kids.

Yes. And she wants them to show up and do a command performance of Happy Family, but not for too long, and never need help with anything. And they have to pretend to care about her relatives sometimes, and love the baby, and accept that their father just isn't going to be much of a grandfather because he's too busy keeping his wife happy so he doesn't end up with another divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Wow. I hope he divorces you someday and you will see your error.

Sorry but what did she say that warrants that nasty response from you. Also second wife here. 18 year age gap between SD and my kids. She acts like they do not exist. Don't be an a*$hole like her. Make an effort

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Wow. I hope he divorces you someday and you will see your error.

Sorry but what did she say that warrants that nasty response from you. Also second wife here. 18 year age gap between SD and my kids. She acts like they do not exist. Don't be an a*$hole like her. Make an effort

Did you make an effort?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Wow. I hope he divorces you someday and you will see your error.

Sorry but what did she say that warrants that nasty response from you. Also second wife here. 18 year age gap between SD and my kids. She acts like they do not exist. Don't be an a*$hole like her. Make an effort

Did you make an effort?

Maybe this thread will help you understand why distance can be the best approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does it matter as you are grown? I am the second wife. We have kids and they are 20 years from the youngest and no big deal. Kids were adults so it did not impact their lives.

Wow. I hope he divorces you someday and you will see your error.

Sorry but what did she say that warrants that nasty response from you. Also second wife here. 18 year age gap between SD and my kids. She acts like they do not exist. Don't be an a*$hole like her. Make an effort

Did you make an effort?

Are you making an effort, new wife? Are you encouraging your DH to spend time with her and her kids like he would have been able to do if he didn't have more kids? Or are you expecting her to eat sh*t with a smile and coo over your baby as if she isn't losing anything?

[Anonymous]

It's super weird. That said, your Dad is old. His wife will be doing everything. I'd probably have a frank conversation about the estate but I would also assume that by the time he dies, she'll convince him to give her everything so whats the point? As far as the kids - if we were geographically close I'd have interactions with them. They are innocent in the mess of people being selfish and stupid.