My parents hate me. Am I a traitor?
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Anonymous
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I'd appreciate some objective advice on this. Basically - I am the oldest. I was the only academically oriented one, and I am much, much less attractive than my two (not so book smart) sisters. My parents both have blue collar jobs, and have only a high school degree. But they're both very good looking, willing to spend their money flaunting imaginary wealth (more like living paycheck to paycheck to afford the BMW and 3 carat diamond), and think they're the best. Both of them are hardcore narcissists.
My entire childhood I was called fat, ugly, pizza face, you name it. My parents didn't care about any of my school achievements, but didn't miss a single soccer game of my sisters. When the time came to go to college, I rejected my dream school in favor of a state school where I had a full national merit scholarship because my parents had spent all the college funds on a mercedes benz and a luxury trip to Europe. Really. This all worked out fine, and I got into a prestigious grad school, racked up a million loans, and finally have a great career. I met my husband, who is wonderful, and we finally had our first child. We both have terrific jobs, live in a gorgeous house, and have wonderful lives. However, my parents have done their best to screw everything up at every single juncture. When I graduated from grad school, my parents had a falling out with my aunt. My aunt had been super kind to me, and when I was briefly jobless, had really stuck her neck out to get me a job. I ended up getting a job on my own, but she had always been there for me (she lived in the same town where I went to school), driving by with food, offers of help, etc. She ALWAYS was there for me, even helping me during an abusive relationship while my parents opted instead to go on a second luxury vacation to Europe (raiding my other sister's college fund). The source of my parent's fight was that my aunt sided with her brother in a dispute with my dad. My aunt didn't do anything directly. I should also mention that my dad called her a bigtime whore. He disputes this. Because of this fight, my parents have done the following: My dad ruined my wedding, making an enormous scene. He left me waiting at the alter to change his shirt because he didn't want to look sweaty. We had to pay thousands in fees as he delayed the wedding an hour plus. My mom refused to help me plan my wedding because I invited my aunt. They never gave me a wedding gift. They never offered to pay for our wedding, but criticized it heavily as being too cheap and informal. THey also showed up with a list of guests and were angry when we couldn't afford to invite them (did I mention my zillions of loans?). My dad called me on my honeymoon night to say he didn't love me anymore, he was tearing up my baby photos, and my aunt was my true mother now since my parents were rejecting me. My mom begged me to apologize to my dad the next day, which I am ashamed to say I did. I will always regret this. I had a miscarriage, my dad and mom called to say it was my fault. I got sued because they forged my signature on some documents during my miscarriage. My dad and mom didn't speak to me for months because of my "angry tone" when I found out. my mom broke into my email account, did a search for my aunt's name, forwarded all the emails she found to herself. my dad threw a fit when i refused him entry into the labor and delivery ward when I finally had my daughter. my mom sided with my dad and said he'd never forgive me (UM I DON'T WANT MY DAD TO SEE MY VAGINA!) My mom has frequently called me to scream at me when she's angry at my aunt they ruined my graduation, blaming my aunt for their foul mood, and me because I refused to stop seeing her. they allowed my sister to cut my husband out of all her wedding photos- and insisted he not participate in the family shots - because he is nice to my aunt. they talk about us behind our backs, VICIOUSLY. They constantly call us cheap (because we have savings and don't go into debt to flaunt imaginary wealth), ugly (whatever), and pathetic. I still talk to them, but not really. No one has ever apologized to me for anything, and they think that I've wronged them by insisting they ruined my wedding, graduation, etc. I finally screamed at my mom when she sent me a nasty email trashing my aunt, where she was blaming me and calling me a traitor. I told her she was yelling at the WRONG PERSON. She continues to trash me to my sisters. My dad I speak to occasionally, basically so our daughter will know them. I am not like angry on a daily basis, but it hurts to know they don't love me and love my sisters. Am I in the wrong for not disowning my aunt when they got into their tiff? I am at a bit of a loss here - but this has gone on for 10 years. I kind of want to cut them out of my life but I can't seem to be able to do that. Help? Sorry for such a long missive. |
Anonymous
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I think OP you are lost in the chaos. if you have portrayed this somewhat accurately then you are so used to their dysfunction then you no longer see how dysfunctional it is.
I think you need a break from your parents. Don't call it cutting them out as you may want to send Christmas cards etc but you need to stop contact for a year or two to regain a sense of what is a healthy relationship with them and do you really want their dysfunction around your kid(s). In a couple years when you have distance and insight then you can decide if you want to reestablish constant. You can tell them you are taking a break to look after yourself and if in a year of two when you re-establish contact (if you do), and they decide to disown you....you have your aunt, your sisters, your DH's family (maybe) and others who can more than fill that role of loving family. You have lost perspective. You are not going to regain it while in regular contact with them. |
Anonymous
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WOW. First, I am sorry for what you have gone through and nobody should be treated like that (especially from parents)! Without hearing the other side or knowing the whole story, the non-bulleted snapshot doessn't do this justice. This has been going on for WAY to long OP. Please, forgive your parents. And. Move. On. You need to focus on YOU and YOUR nuclear family now. You say you have a husband, car, child, house, all these things to be proud of with a fabulous life? Focus on that. Ignore their phone calls.
In fact, I would tell them point blank- I'm sorry mom & dad, but this behavior is no longer acceptable. You may not make me feel this way/talk like that to me and I wish you the best in the future. Love you, ect yada yada *hang up* And let it go. You are better than that. They don't hold the authority on trashing people, no matter who they are. It hurts when it is your family that does this...I've been there. They are not going to change. AND it wouldn't surprise me if they are 'trashing' you because they are in fact jealous of your lifestyle and the fact the you live x,y,z. That's their problem to figure out. OP, forgive and let them go IMHO. Best of luck. |
Anonymous
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"But they're both very good looking, willing to spend their money flaunting imaginary wealth (more like living paycheck to paycheck to afford the BMW and 3 carat diamond)"
"Living paycheck to paycheck". How did they manage to have college funds for you and your sister? |
Anonymous
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You have lost perspective. You are not going to regain it while in regular contact with them.
I agree. If what you say is right your parents are deeply dysfunctional and troubled. I would minimize contact for a year or two and then see how you feel. |
Anonymous
They didn't. Time to re-read, PP. |
Anonymous
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WHY are you still in close contact???
It. is. not. worth. it. Your children will NOT miss grandparents such as these, and indeed you probably should not expose them to such misguided and violent persons. Send a Christmas card, by all means, just so they have your address and phone number in case they need to contact you urgently - as in, one of them is on their deathbed. But do not visit them. Do not invite them. Do not call them, unless maybe to wish them a happy birthday, but of course expect only abuse in return ("Too snobby now to call your own parent except once a year? Don't you dare wish me a happy birthday!"). And please go to therapy! You have been deeply hurt, and need to work through this with an experienced unbiased person. As for your sisters, if they are sane and rational, you can perhaps meet with them if you do not talk about your parents. That way, your children can have a relationship with their aunties. Invite them to your house perhaps, so that they can see how well you function in your nuclear family and by contrast how twisted their childhood was. As an adult, your real family can be comprised of very good friends, not necessarily blood relations. That is what DH and I have done, in part because our families live in Europe, and in part because my mother is similarly crazy. |
Anonymous
Not the PP, but you should re-read. OP talks about a college fund for her and for a sister, which her parents raided and spent. |
Anonymous
Really. You got a free education instead of one that your parents had to pay for. Boo too. |
Anonymous
No, pp is right, she says they had a college fund for her and her sister. Even though she says they live paycheck to paycheck. People who work blue collar jobs and live paycheck to paycheck cannot waste their money AND save up college funds. This OP is iffy. |
Anonymous
| Hate to tell you this OP, but you sound a little narcissistic yourself. Lots of us had crappy childhoods, but we don't dwell on them as adults. I hope you can put it behind you. |
Anonymous
I must be crazy. I read that she Didn't have a college fund because her parents spent all their money on themselves=no fund.
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Anonymous
I think she was saying they didn't do both, hence her full ride scholarship. But I get what you are saying. My parents lived paycheck to paycheck and could never afford to save for a BMW or a vacation to Europe! Damn. |
Anonymous
| Did they steal your bouquet at the wedding? |
Anonymous
| I don't know any blue color workers who have 3 carat diamonds, luxury trips to Europe and Mercedes Benz. OP's post screams troll. |