My parents hate me. Am I a traitor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I read your post with a sense of knowing and trepidation, because I come from a similar kind of family. I was fascinated by the people who thought you must be a troll - how nice it must be to think these sorts of dynamics do not really exist. You and I have been through many similar dramas. Hang in there.

People who have never been around a parent with a personality disorder (narcissism, borderline, anti-social) don't know how bad it can get. They don't understand how the corruption and abuse runs through the entire parent/child relationship. They blame the child for complaining, rather than the parent for being abusive.

OP, the suggestion of therapy is a good one. Not because there is something wrong with you, but because your parents have injured you terribly and talking to someone who gets it might help you heal those wounds.

[Anonymous]

Op here again. You don't know how much these past few posts mean to me. I've never had the courage to tell anyone this stuff, and my sisters are all afraid to be in my shoes (altho they get their share of abuse too).

I've started reading toxic parents and it looks very helpful so far. And yes, its hard to explain the situation to others. No I don't feel sorry for myself for having gone to a "lessEd" (it was still great) school because my parents spent all that money. But trust me, it sucks when you explain to your
grandpa, etc why you turned down dream school. And no I
never told him that my parents spent the money. Trust me,
he was blue collar too, and every dime he had he earned
from sweat and hardship. This is why you never write checks directly to parents!!! (the memo part said "my
college fund" qnd it was given to my on my birthday c/o my parents every birthday).

Anyway, it is sort of funny that you focused on that part when the far more traumatizing bit was how he embarrassed me in front of all my friends qt my wedding and disowned me on my wedding night. But I think that's so terrible it's sort of too bad to dwell on and picking on the college fund thing is more fun.

But thanks also for the support with my aunt. My parents say she's manipulating me and she wants to be my friend to use me. I don't know what she can do to use me, but I guess they're alluding to the fact that everyone in the family hates my parents and seeing me with my aunt is proof my parents are the bad ones. I think you're right about her because she is super kind to me- has been before my parents' stupid fight.

[Anonymous]

Just to chime in again - obviously some of us get it. I have friends as well with similar dynamics. Been there. The more space you make, and time away from them, you will feel better. At least it worked for some of us! Cheaper than therapy. But that may be right for you - no one size fits all solution.

[Anonymous]

Having come from an even worse situation than yours, my advice is to quit dwelling on the past. Cut them off and be glad you escaped.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I am thinking of not cutting them out of my life totally (this would start a huge battle), but keeping it distant. Like Christmas Cards, Birthday Cards, but no more phone calls, no emails, etc.

The thing is that I send photos of my daughter to my parents, inlaws, and my sister. I update like once a day and write a little story (ie - Today X learned to stand up on her own! WE went to the park with her friends and celebrated!). And yes, these types of emails are boring, but my inlaws and sister claim that they are the "best part of their days" etc. It would feel surprising and sudden to stop sending these emails to my parents, but at the same time, it's not like they respond. They have said stuff like "we save the emails up for dinner time and look at them together". However, it's not like they respond to them or anything.

SHould I stop sending these emails too? I don't personalize them to my parents and they are BCC'd.

[Anonymous]

If the money was given to others and the parents were caretakers, then yes, that was pure theft.

If the parents kept talking about contributing to a college fund year in year out through the MS/HS years, and then, "oops, we need our European vacation," then yes, that is a shitty thing to do.

BUT, the kids are not entitled to dime one of parents' money for college.

I will say, reading OP's first post, I was wondering if her parents' blue-collar trade was "tying up young women on the railroad tracks while Dad twirled his handlebar moustache."

I don't know why OP is trying so hard to please the parents.

I will say this -- if OP's aunt really did screw over the parents those many years ago (e.g. ripped off her mom or dad of an inheritance, etc.) then OP's aunt liking OP may just be one more scheme. (Not saying OP's aunt did do that, just saying it is a possibility.)

[Anonymous]

Taper off the daily emails. Maybe do a blog instead. I definitely would stop emailing them daily (bccd or not)

[Anonymous]

Your aunt sounds amazing, and more like a real parent than your biological parents. It would have been wrong for you to cut her out of your life. I agree with the PPs who have said that you need a significant break from your toxic parents. If you get nothing out of your relationship with them, then why continue it? Your aunt, on the other hand, is a keeper!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hate to tell you this OP, but you sound a little narcissistic yourself. Lots of us had crappy childhoods, but we don't dwell on them as adults. I hope you can put it behind you.

Don't listen to this jerk. Yes, plenty of us had crappy childhoods. And plenty of us got PLENTY OF THERAPY to get over it. Your parents were/are emotionally abusive. Get thee to a therapist ASAP. Seriously. You didn't deserve that treatment, and nothing you can do or say will fix it. You can only move on with your life. It sounds like you did really well for yourself despite their horrid selves.

[Anonymous]

If you're not a troll, then cut all contact, now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am thinking of not cutting them out of my life totally (this would start a huge battle), but keeping it distant. Like Christmas Cards, Birthday Cards, but no more phone calls, no emails, etc.

The thing is that I send photos of my daughter to my parents, inlaws, and my sister. I update like once a day and write a little story (ie - Today X learned to stand up on her own! WE went to the park with her friends and celebrated!). And yes, these types of emails are boring, but my inlaws and sister claim that they are the "best part of their days" etc. It would feel surprising and sudden to stop sending these emails to my parents, but at the same time, it's not like they respond. They have said stuff like "we save the emails up for dinner time and look at them together". However, it's not like they respond to them or anything.

SHould I stop sending these emails too? I don't personalize them to my parents and they are BCC'd.

You're in an abusive relationship. You don't just cut back on seeing the guy who beats you black and blue. YOU CUT OFF ALL CONTACT NOW.

Change your phone number and email, and there won't be any huge battle. When they email, don't respond. When they call, hang up. If they visit, call the cops.

Make the bolded statement above true for you. Because it's not yet.

[Anonymous]

if you're not a troll, then you should cut them out... they sound like complete NPD psychos.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I rejected my dream school in favor of a state school where I had a full national merit scholarship because my parents had spent all the college funds on a mercedes benz and a luxury trip to Europe. Really.

Really. You got a free education instead of one that your parents had to pay for. Boo too.

+1. It was never your money OP.

That does not matter. Not the OP, but I grew up being told that school loans are bad and my parents were paying for my college. I was completely unprepared when there was no money in the end. Parents spent 20k on a divorce my senior year. Took me a few years to accept that I had to get loans. I would have taken a much different path should that support have been there. I had a half scholarship to study music at a school that cost double what the state school cost. By the time I got back around, that opportunity was gone. I love my field now, too, but I was really good at music. I do not dwell on it, and I have long since made peace, but I still feel like I need to honor my gift. Join a community band or something.

[Anonymous]

Agree with the previous posters. Cut them off completely and don't look back. Why would you want to expose your child to these crazy people?

[Anonymous]

I am a PP from upthread who said I can relate to your experiences. I am going to gently disagree with some of the other posters here and say that I'm not sure going cold turkey is a good idea. If you cut them out 100%, with no tapering down, just imagine what kind of stunt they could pull. At least my family members could.

I could be wrong, but this is just my gut feeling. Food for thought.