SAHM with kids in school? Dealing with judgement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care what y'all do but the #1 reason BY FAR that I do not SAHP is because my spouse would even further check out and even further be unappreciative, unthankful, and ungrateful for everything I do running the house, raising the children, managing the sitters, planning sports/vacations/ECs, and bonding with the kids. He literally just tags along and works on his iPhone.

Interesting. This is my situation too except it’s a big part of why I continue to stay home. If I have to do everything anyway, I don’t also want a job too. How do you feel like your having a job makes your DH better?

how do you live like this? Sounds awful. And you depend on him financially too?

Yes. It didn’t start out this way. He had a less demanding job and was more hands on when the kids were toddlers/preschoolers. He has done progressively less and less around the house and now I just feel frustrated. I can’t make an informed choice about if I could go back to work or not because I have no idea what if anything he’d do to help me. He says he’d help but I have a hard time believing him.

This is such BS! I have an idea, go back to work and don't do any of the stuff except where it involves the children. Let him clean up, cook and whatever else he needs for himself. I bet he'll figure it out. BS on your wanting to go back to work, you like it just the way it is. No judgement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope you're volunteering or otherwise doing something to contribute positively to the world.

If you don't want/need to work, that's fine, but to sit on your butt all day and do nothing is pretty unacceptable.

I commend anyone devoted to making sure their kids become responsible, principled adults, whether WOH or SAH, so save the sanctimommy.

Hard to promote that while sitting on your ass living on someone else’s dime.

Ugh, no, not in this case. We purchased our first home together because of the equity I earned from my first home. I am the ONE who singled handedly purchased every home we have lived in increasing our investment in each house in ridiculous amounts, thereby causing the majority of our wealth. I found those sites, I had the vision for those neighborhoods and I purchased what I thought would be the best investment. We then took those profits and invested in stocks and such, and there you have OUR wealth. I was a realtor in my former life (HATED IT!) but was good at it, so I am grateful he was a good boy and just stood back and shut up while I rolled the dice. That is MY MONEY, not just his and I have never sat on my ass spending anyone's else's money. But I get, you are a little green with envy. So do not care.

I have a gorgeous home i own outright, so not sure who you’re talking to.

Sure you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I hope you're volunteering or otherwise doing something to contribute positively to the world.

If you don't want/need to work, that's fine, but to sit on your butt all day and do nothing is pretty unacceptable.

I commend anyone devoted to making sure their kids become responsible, principled adults, whether WOH or SAH, so save the sanctimommy.

Hard to promote that while sitting on your ass living on someone else’s dime.

Ugh, no, not in this case. We purchased our first home together because of the equity I earned from my first home. I am the ONE who singled handedly purchased every home we have lived in increasing our investment in each house in ridiculous amounts, thereby causing the majority of our wealth. I found those sites, I had the vision for those neighborhoods and I purchased what I thought would be the best investment. We then took those profits and invested in stocks and such, and there you have OUR wealth. I was a realtor in my former life (HATED IT!) but was good at it, so I am grateful he was a good boy and just stood back and shut up while I rolled the dice. That is MY MONEY, not just his and I have never sat on my ass spending anyone's else's money. But I get, you are a little green with envy. So do not care.

I have a gorgeous home i own outright, so not sure who you’re talking to.

Sure you do.

Uh, ok, nut job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care what y'all do but the #1 reason BY FAR that I do not SAHP is because my spouse would even further check out and even further be unappreciative, unthankful, and ungrateful for everything I do running the house, raising the children, managing the sitters, planning sports/vacations/ECs, and bonding with the kids. He literally just tags along and works on his iPhone.

Interesting. This is my situation too except it’s a big part of why I continue to stay home. If I have to do everything anyway, I don’t also want a job too. How do you feel like your having a job makes your DH better?

how do you live like this? Sounds awful. And you depend on him financially too?

Yes. It didn’t start out this way. He had a less demanding job and was more hands on when the kids were toddlers/preschoolers. He has done progressively less and less around the house and now I just feel frustrated. I can’t make an informed choice about if I could go back to work or not because I have no idea what if anything he’d do to help me. He says he’d help but I have a hard time believing him.

This is such BS! I have an idea, go back to work and don't do any of the stuff except where it involves the children. Let him clean up, cook and whatever else he needs for himself. I bet he'll figure it out. BS on your wanting to go back to work, you like it just the way it is. No judgement.

He won’t do any of these things. He doesn’t clean anything. And he’d just make himself dinner and leave all the dishes. I don’t like it just the way it is, not at all. But yes I’m afraid my house will fall apart if I go to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care what y'all do but the #1 reason BY FAR that I do not SAHP is because my spouse would even further check out and even further be unappreciative, unthankful, and ungrateful for everything I do running the house, raising the children, managing the sitters, planning sports/vacations/ECs, and bonding with the kids. He literally just tags along and works on his iPhone.

Interesting. This is my situation too except it’s a big part of why I continue to stay home. If I have to do everything anyway, I don’t also want a job too. How do you feel like your having a job makes your DH better?

how do you live like this? Sounds awful. And you depend on him financially too?

Yes. It didn’t start out this way. He had a less demanding job and was more hands on when the kids were toddlers/preschoolers. He has done progressively less and less around the house and now I just feel frustrated. I can’t make an informed choice about if I could go back to work or not because I have no idea what if anything he’d do to help me. He says he’d help but I have a hard time believing him.

This is such BS! I have an idea, go back to work and don't do any of the stuff except where it involves the children. Let him clean up, cook and whatever else he needs for himself. I bet he'll figure it out. BS on your wanting to go back to work, you like it just the way it is. No judgement.

He won’t do any of these things. He doesn’t clean anything. And he’d just make himself dinner and leave all the dishes. I don’t like it just the way it is, not at all. But yes I’m afraid my house will fall apart if I go to work.

My dad was like this. He would provide lip service to wanting my mom to return to work, but in reality he just didn’t live up to it.
Eventually my mom did go back when we got older. And my dad just recently sold the little law firm he started when we were kids to move to NYC for my mom’s big job. So he is definitely supportive. But he couldn’t multitask and he was too much of a procrastinator by nature to really pull off full time work and providing real and meaningful help around the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't care what y'all do but the #1 reason BY FAR that I do not SAHP is because my spouse would even further check out and even further be unappreciative, unthankful, and ungrateful for everything I do running the house, raising the children, managing the sitters, planning sports/vacations/ECs, and bonding with the kids. He literally just tags along and works on his iPhone.

Interesting. This is my situation too except it’s a big part of why I continue to stay home. If I have to do everything anyway, I don’t also want a job too. How do you feel like your having a job makes your DH better?

Having a job keeps me sane and able to easily identify his lying and BS. Plus I love the field I work in and the pay and hours are good. I frequently tell home to Go get a job like mine for $300k and be present in the house and for the family. He refuses. He big plan is to retire at 50 when the kids are grown and do God’ knows what. All the hard work will be over then with the kids and I’ll go get my C level job. He can continue to tag along and make messes in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s a wack job. Don’t mind her.

Depending on the audience I say I’m retired and not going back to work (which is true for the moment) but in all honesty, it doesn’t even make financial sense for me to work bc any amount I would bring would make us pay more in taxes than what I’d end up so just say that...that it doesn’t benefit you financially for you to work.

Or I say DH travels too much so it makes sense for me to be home but really it’s nobody’s business. Anyone who questions you is either insecure or jealous or is too cheap. I’ve heard people say it’s a complete waste of my education etc but I just ignore it and don’t let it get to me.

That's not how taxes work.

NP - Of course she won't pay 101% in taxes, but most people do not count the true cost of working. When I quit to stay home, years ago, I was making something like $70,000. Because of my husband's income, it was taxed (between local, state and fed) at almost 50%. Add in child care costs, mileage and gas on second car, lunches, pantyhose, all of those restaurant dinners because I was too tired to cook, housecleaning service, etc. and I would have been working for $0 except the retirement contribution. Yes, it makes sense to figure out whether it is worth it to work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:But seriously, OP, what do you do all day? Do you have some sort of hobby or volunteer gig that takes up your time?

I’m a PP and I’ll repeat what I wrote above. Why is that anyone’s business how she chooses to spend her days?

Because it contributes to the patriarchal society that we all live in and sets a terrible example for children. but SAHMs are selfish by nature, so they don’t care. ME ME MEEE!

Surprised it took that many pages to lay bare what is really behind the animosity towards SAHMs. Its a betrayal of the so-called sisterhood. Note these same folks applaud religious women who put on hijabs as an empowered choice.

The real resentment is also because their staying at home allows their husbands careers to take off which is a big advantage over working women with no such luxury.

Sad thing is I think you really believe this.

My CFO recently said at a Board dinner that “the secret to my success is my stay at home wife.”

He literally doesn’t do anything but work and socialize with work and industry people. Yet maintains a father figure, married with a house and three kids image despite not knowing anything about what’s going on at home.

There is absolutely no way this is true. No one would say the phrase “stay at home wife” at a board meeting. Nice try.

I hope those of you defending this don’t have daughters. And if you do, I hope you realize how hypocritical you are if you push them to succeed.

Of course we have daughters and push them to succeed! I want them to have all the choices in life that I did and that choice includes being a SAHM like me, wanting a full time job and a partner with equal hours, or having a SAHD as a partner. Feminism is about choices not constraints.

Actually feminism is about having the same rights a man does, it has nothing to do with a choice to stay home. I mean stay home if you wish but feminism isn't a part of this conversation.

You must be young. Were you sentient in the 1970s?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She’s a wack job. Don’t mind her.

Depending on the audience I say I’m retired and not going back to work (which is true for the moment) but in all honesty, it doesn’t even make financial sense for me to work bc any amount I would bring would make us pay more in taxes than what I’d end up so just say that...that it doesn’t benefit you financially for you to work.

Or I say DH travels too much so it makes sense for me to be home but really it’s nobody’s business. Anyone who questions you is either insecure or jealous or is too cheap. I’ve heard people say it’s a complete waste of my education etc but I just ignore it and don’t let it get to me.

That's not how taxes work.

NP - Of course she won't pay 101% in taxes, but most people do not count the true cost of working. When I quit to stay home, years ago, I was making something like $70,000. Because of my husband's income, it was taxed (between local, state and fed) at almost 50%. Add in child care costs, mileage and gas on second car, lunches, pantyhose, all of those restaurant dinners because I was too tired to cook, housecleaning service, etc. and I would have been working for $0 except the retirement contribution. Yes, it makes sense to figure out whether it is worth it to work.

No one pays a 50 percent tax rate. We make close to 500k and our effective tax rate is in the low 30s including state.

I assume you still had a second car and ate lunch even after you quit your job. You maybe saved a little bit on prepared foods, restaurant meals and house cleaning but that’s hardly worth quitting your job.

Put it this way - being out of the workforce for five years = losing $350k in income. Not to mention any raises you would have earned. You also lost on around $100k in retirement contributions. Unless your husband is a VERY high earner this money still matters.

Would you suggest a man should quit working because of the high tax rate and cost of a cleaning service? I doubt it.

[Anonymous]

Nobody know what you do during those hours. I have a similar friend who is always sending me job leads despite telling her that I have a very full day. I do a lot for my husband and kids that if I worked they would have to do. I am glad it allows my husband to focus more on his career (we are a team) and my kids focus on school and their activities. I am happy with this and she doesn't get it.

[Anonymous]

plus I like my own version of independence. I don't need to scrape around for playdates on snow days and school holidays and half days or make 20 phone calls trying to set up a carpool to get my kid to soccer practice. So that is what works for me.

[Anonymous]

I am not saying one is better than the other, but this makes my happy and content.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nobody know what you do during those hours. I have a similar friend who is always sending me job leads despite telling her that I have a very full day. I do a lot for my husband and kids that if I worked they would have to do. I am glad it allows my husband to focus more on his career (we are a team) and my kids focus on school and their activities. I am happy with this and she doesn't get it.

Like what? You know working parents also take care of their house and school-age kids' needs, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:plus I like my own version of independence. I don't need to scrape around for playdates on snow days and school holidays and half days or make 20 phone calls trying to set up a carpool to get my kid to soccer practice. So that is what works for me.

If being completely financially dependent on someone else is what you call independence...

[Anonymous]

Why are people so defensive about the choices they have made? As the cliche goes - “you do you” and don’t worry about what others are doing.